Authors: Anne Leigh
Zander had his right ear to his phone when I saw him on the living room couch. Tanya must have let him in and left. I didn’t hear any sounds coming from her bedroom.
He really was a handsome guy. His eyes flickered when he saw me but he didn’t smile.
“Alright, thanks Matt. Just keep them updated. Thanks for all your help, man. I really appreciate it” he was addressing his lawyer.
I went up to him and reached up to kiss him on his lips as soon as he hung up.
He kissed me quickly and pulled away.
Something was up.
His eyes flickered, his expression, undecipherable, “How was group study?”
I looked away, pretending to be interested at the news on TV.
“It was ok.”
“Yeah?”
I gulped, “Yes. By the way, I heard Brennan dropped the charges.” Shifting the conversation to the main thing that occupied our attention the whole day.
“Yes. Matt said his charges won’t stick anyways.”
I smiled, “That’s great news, right?”
Why was he stand-offish? He was sitting away from me and his mouth was held in a tight line when he said, “Yes, it’s good news.” The look on his face belied the happy news.
“You don’t look happy,” I observed.
“I am happy that dick wad dropped those charges because they’re baseless. Plus, they won’t stick.”
I repeated myself, “Alright. Why don’t you seem happy about it?”
He handed me his phone with a stoic expression on his face. A picture message was on the screen. It was of me holding Brennan’s hand at the Café.
I gasped.
“I asked you twice, Sedona. Twice you lied to my face!” His voice, dripping with anger, “You said you were in a group study and all this time, you were holding hands with that dickhead!”
Lies, no matter how small they were, have ways of seeping into the surface. I knew I would not be able to say anything to appease him. He had warned me to steer clear of Brennan.
“Do you know how angry I feel right now?! I just learned that my girlfriend, who I’d protect from anything in this world, was holding hands with this motherfucker who was charging me with fuckin’ assault! Oh, and all this time, I was thinking she was in a safe place, that she was in a freaking
group study!” His breathing was harsh as he unleashed his fury. His hands shook on his sides, his fists were clenched, and I didn’t dare move.
I honestly did not know how or what to say to make it better. I sat there, cringing with each word that came out of his mouth.
I scooted into the corner of the couch, pulled my legs up to my chest, and burrowed my head in my arms. The damning silence hung in the room. He paced for a couple of minutes and stopped in front of me. I was unable to lift my head to meet his eyes. There was silence. The last thing I heard was the door latch clicking in place.
I was exhausted. My mind couldn’t take in anymore. My heart was so heavy. I wanted to make things better but I ended up messing everything up with Zander.
Zander was probably going to leave me. He had every reason to. I lied to him. Not once, but twice in one day. I slumped my shoulders in defeat and clutched my arms around my waist. Tears slowly streaked down my face. I deserved this. I lied twice. I knew how he felt about lies. He absolutely hated them.
Zander
I didn’t know how long I’ve been in this bar. All I knew was that there was no way I could drive. I couldn’t even operate a cellphone. I texted Xavier and within minutes, he was calling me, “What’s ‘mmgrry’, dude? Is that a code for something?” His voice was loud on my ears.
I stuttered all the way through but managed to say, “Pick me up at Hudson’s.”
He said, “No prob. Be there in 20.”
Thank god for friends you can rely on. Not like girlfriends. Especially girlfriends who lie and meet with their ex-boyfriends when their boyfriend was being sued.
How the hell could she do that?! She was smart. When it came to that shithead, her actions were idiotic.
I thought she was in a group study! I should’ve known something was not right when she was evasive about it. Why did she have to lie?! Oh, that was right. Because that was her stupid ex-boyfriend who she had to cover up or help or whatever the fuck up!
A few girls approached me at my corner. Oh, how easy it would be to take them with me and drown whatever hell I was in into them. But I couldn’t even move a muscle in my mouth to talk to them. They were not HER. My body recognized the difference and it knew the distinction between her touch and other females!
A woman actually had the nerve to touch my shoulder and I coiled away from her. I was mad. I was upset. Angry and livid. But Sedona was still my girl. My lying girlfriend. I didn’t know what hurt more – the fact that she lied to me or the fact that it was because of him she was lying to me. What kind of hold did that asshole have on her? After 3 beers, 4 shots of my friend, Jack, and a couple more of rum shots, I stopped counting.
“Celebrating?” Xavier was here.
I ignored him and tried to stand up. He caught my arm before I plastered myself on the floor, “Whoa. Easy, Superman” I snatched my card from my wallet but Xavier stopped me, “Let’s go, buddy. All’s taken care of.”
Once we were inside his car, he warned me, “I will not forgive you, if you throw up and piss in my car.”
I had no urge to puke or piss. When the car moved though, I wasn’t sure if that was still the case. I climbed out of his car as soon as we hit the front of our apartment. Xavier asked if I’d be ok to reach our apartment or if I wanted to wait for him to help me up. I shook my head, “No. I’m cool dude.”
I was far from cool. I just wanted to climb onto my bed and sleep for a decade. The elevator ride up to the 3
rd
floor was of no help. Within minutes of reaching my room, I stumbled into bed and darkness engulfed me.
The next morning was a bitch. I woke up with a huge hang-over that a couple of aspirin and Xavier’s mix of ‘hangover cure’ barely relieved. I turned my phone on and I expected a call or a text from her but there was none. I had the urge to call her during the day and I fought that urge. I had to give myself time to simmer down.
Three days. It took three days for me to contain my anger into a manageable degree. My anger was still there, lingering, reined in. Now, I was ready to speak to her. She was giving me space. I knew that. She did not call or text. It was time for me to talk to her.
At 2 PM, I texted her, “Can we talk?”
She was probably in class. Sometimes, she didn’t answer when she was in class.
By 7:30, she still hadn’t answered. I called and it went straight to voicemail. Worry crept through me. What if something had happened to her during the past 2 days? Kieran would call me. That was for sure.
Right, Kieran
. He would know. I called him.
He answered on the third ring, “Hey.”
“I was wondering where Sedona was.” I went straight to the point.
“Oh,” A long pause followed.
Unease settled on my stomach.
“Is she ok? Did something happen to her?” I asked. Now, I was worried.
After what seemed like a minute or two, Kieran said, “She’s ok but she’s not here, Zander.”
“Ohh-kaay. Mind telling me where she’s at?” My heart was racing and my head was starting to throb.
Kieran took a long breath, “She left yesterday.”
Left? In the middle of the semester? Sedona would not do that. She was too obsessive of her grades. Plus, she wouldn’t leave without telling me. Or, would she?
“Where is she, Kieran?” My voice came out harsh and urgent.
“She left to see her dad. In Costa Rica.” Her dad was on assignment in Costa Rica.
“What about school? Isn’t she going to miss class or clinicals?” I managed to ask. My chest was constricting. She did leave. Without telling me.
“I believe she talked to her professors. She did her clinicals ahead of time.”
There was only one thing left to ask, “When’s she coming back?”
Kieran’s silence scared me. Then, he said, “I’m not sure.”
I hung up the phone in complete disbelief. My girlfriend just left. To another country. I had no means of communicating with her. She probably wouldn’t read my emails. She sure hadn’t called me or texted me before she left. I felt so lost.
She left me. Without an apology. This time, my anger was replaced with panic.
Chapter Eighteen
“There is never a bad time for a well-intentioned apology.”
Sedona
Kieran picked me up at the airport. After 4 days of being with my dad, I had a clearer perspective on things.
When Zander left my apartment almost a week ago, my mind and emotions were all jumbled together and mixed up. I wanted to go to him; he needed time. I wanted to beg forgiveness; I had to give him space. I wanted to apologize; he had to process my lies in his head.
Instead of moping around, that same night, I planned on getting out of the city. I needed to process my own emotions, thoughts, and cloudy judgment on things. I messed up big time. So I talked to my professors the next morning and I was able to do back-to-back 12 hour clinical days in advance. Luck was on my side this time around. One of the students filed a leave of absence so I took her spot for those clinical days. I concentrated on nothing but school. Nalee, Tanya, and Kieran all tried to soothe me. I talked to them and it helped. But at night, when I was lying alone in bed, I missed him. Terribly. I figured that running to my dad would help. It did. My dad didn’t ask me why I was there. He must have heard the misery in voice when I called a few nights ago, because he said, “Sweetie, I know you have school. You just sound so exhausted. Can you leave for a couple of days and visit me here?” I took him up on his offer.
Four days of being in Costa Rica - well, technically, 3 days, since travel took almost a day roundtrip – did nothing to alleviate the longing for Zander. I did not tell my dad about what happened. He just knew me so well. While we were having breakfast at a local Costa Rican eatery, he stared at me and said, “If he broke your heart, he’s not worth it. No one is good enough to break your heart.”
My dad was a very clever man. He knew nothing would have kept me from school. Unless it was something that I couldn’t handle. Something big.
I could not tell another lie, I smiled weakly and told him, “No, dad. He didn’t break my heart. I think I may have broken his.”
He was my dad so he would defend me. But Zander had no fault in this. It was mine and mine alone. My dad wanted to talk more about him but I asked him not to. I was in Costa Rica with my dad. I wanted to enjoy my time with him. This was not his cross to bear.
I had gone to Costa Rica to see things under a different light. Isaac Newton’s third law of motion came into mind, ‘For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.’ I lied to my boyfriend with my ex-boyfriend. Zander’s reaction would be anger, frustration, and he was right to have those emotions. I could not control the outcome of the events past the lie. But I could try. For Zander, I could try. I came to two conclusions.
One - I still wanted to be with him.
Two - I was definitely in the wrong.
*****
After Kieran dropped me off at my apartment, I checked my wall calendar. The time difference between Costa Rica and the United States was quite huge. I was still getting my bearings after landing in U.S. soil but I knew I couldn’t wait long. I turned on my cellphone. It was still in the same place where I left it 4 days ago. On top of my bed.