We watched Jack play on the slide, climbing over the top like a monkey, not an ounce of fear on his grinning face even when he’d reached the top.
It jarred a memory, of another perpetually smiling blond boy that feared nothing, the man who, now dead, had left behind the very image of himself as a child.
The holidays had always been tough for me.
I’d been the older, bastard boy in the house, and Jared’s dad had never let me forget it.
One Christmas, when I was ten, I’d run off to the neighborhood basketball court in a fit.
Jared’s asshole dad had been tearing into me again, calling me a punk, and worse, and I’d reached my limit.
Sometimes I thought the only thing that kept me in that house at all was Jared.
I was feeling particularly sorry for myself; the boy without a dad, and I’d even worked myself up into a rare bout of silent tears when I saw the skinny form of Dean running my way like someone was chasing him.
He grinned when he saw me, sprinting straight to me.
The entire left side of his face was red, one eye swollen closed.
It looked like someone had taken a bat to it.
I quickly wiped away my tears.
Dean was the smallest in our group of friends, but he was always the most relentless with the teasing.
If he’d noticed me crying, I doubted I’d ever hear the end of it.
He had noticed, but he shocked me by just patting my shoulder as he took a seat on the bench next to me.
“Jared’s dad is an asshole,” I explained.
Though to two ten year old boys, there was never a good excuse for crying, it was the best I could do.
“Yeah man, he’s a jerk, but at least he’s nice to Jared.”
That was true.
He elbowed me playfully until I looked at him.
He pointed to the battered side of his face.
His eye was swelled nearly closed.
“Don’t worry about never meeting your dad, man.
It could be worse.
He could show up every once in a while, beat the shit out of you, and do much worse things to your mother, right in front of you.
Trust me, I’d trade places with you in a
heartbeat
.”
I held up a fist.
It was a big fist.
I was oversized for my age.
I towered over our group of friends, and was bulky enough to take any and all of them on.
“Want to go kick his ass?
Is he big?
I bet the both of us can take him.”
Dean shook his head, but he patted my shoulder again.
It was a rare gesture of affection from him.
“Naw.
He’s already gone.
He ain’t that big, but he carries a gun, so we should steer clear of him anyway, yanno?”
I nodded solemnly.
“You know I’m here though, if you ever want to try.”
“I know you are, man.
That’s why you’re my best friend.”
How had that smiling, fearless boy turned into that stranger of a man that had deceived me so easily?
I’d never have the answer, but the question haunted me nonetheless.
If I hadn’t been so blind to what he’d become, so many horrible things could have been avoided.
I knew Dean had fathered Jack, no one could look at the boy and not see it, but we’d never talked about it directly.
Considering what I knew he’d done to Danika, though, I had my suspicions.
Finally, painfully, one day I had broached that dreaded subject with Dahlia.
“Did Dean…I mean, what I mean to ask is,” I stammered.
I couldn’t help it, the very question still horrified me, thought I’d had years to stew about it.
“Was whatever happened between you consensual?”
I couldn’t even look at her when I asked it.
What may have happened right under my drugged out nose made me
ashamed
.
I felt responsible enough for the boy already.
From the day Dahlia had called me and told me she was pregnant and that the baby had no father, I’d taken her and her child under my wing.
A sense of duty drove me in that.
She was, after all, my kid sister by law.
Divorce hadn’t changed that for me.
That divorce hadn’t changed any part of my heart, except to break parts of it.
As the baby had grown into a little blond boy that I couldn’t fail to recognize, my sense that this was my responsibility had only grown stronger.
“He drugged me.
I wasn’t sleeping with anyone when it happened, so you can imagine my shock when I found out I was pregnant.”
I flinched.
“I’m so sorry for that.
I wasn’t myself at the time, but I would have tried my best to prevent that, if I could have.”
“I know.
You did try.
Every time you saw him so much as talk to me, you took him to task.
I’m grateful that you tried to protect me.
No one besides Danika has ever done that for me before.”
“Well, I failed, and I’m sorry for that.”
“But you tried, with the best of intentions, and I needed that, needed someone to be protective of me.
It meant a lot.
Tristan, I—“
I stopped her, because I knew what was coming, and some things were better left unsaid.
“Dahlia—“
She ignored the warning in my voice, plunging ahead.
“I’m in love with you.
I’m sure you already knew that, but I needed to say it out loud.
And what you’ve done for Jack, how you’ve been there for him, helping us financially, how you come to visit without fail, it means so much to me.
To us.”
“Dahlia, I’m in love with your sister,” I said, my tone flat.
It was best to handle this once and for all, now that it was out in the open.
“I always will be.
I’m very sorry.
You will find someone, someone that can love you back, but it is not me.”
She threw her arms around me, held on tight, and kissed me, her skinny body rubbing against mine.
I held perfectly still, letting her carry on for a solid minute.
All the while, I felt nothing.
Not a stirring, not even the vaguest tendril of interest.
This is what it’s like to have your sister kiss you, I thought.
Finally, she pulled back, panting.
I could see by her hurt eyes that I’d made my point.
There’d been no clearer way to show her that I could not be interested in her, of all people.
“You’re a beautiful girl.
Sweet and kind.
You need to let go of this idea.
It will never be what you want it to.
It’s holding you back.
I’m here for you, as a brother, as a friend, and you know I’m here for Jack.
I love that boy like he’s my own blood.
But I can’t be more for you.
I hope you understand now.”
She nodded, her lips trembling.
“How can you still love her so much?
She won’t even talk to you.”
“Because that’s how love works.
It doesn’t die, even when you don’t feed it.
That’s just the way it is.
I wouldn’t change it, even if I could.
Loving her has become a part of who I am.”
“It’s so unfair,” she said sullenly, taking a big step away from me.
That it was.
I found myself calling Adair that night, though the thought never fully formed of what I was doing before it blurted out of my mouth.
“You know Dahlia’s kid, Jack?” I asked him without even a greeting.
I hadn’t talked to him in ages, and the band had been broken up for years.
“Dean’s kid,” he mused back, unfazed by the rude start.
“Nice to hear from you, Tristan.
I was just talking to Kenny the other day.
We talked about the four of us meeting up again, seeing if we still had it.”
That gave me pause, but I continued.
“I’ve had my suspicions, but I just found out that Dahlia wasn’t a willing participant in the conception.
Did you know anything about this?”
“God, no!” he answered quickly and with conviction.
I believed him instantly.
He was a good guy, though he suffered from addiction, as well.
He’d done his own stint in rehab about a year after I had.
As far as I knew, he’d stayed sober, too.
“That fucker.
I should have known, but I honestly thought he’d suckered her into hooking up with him.
I didn’t know he was a rapist, man.
I wouldn’t have worked with him if I’d had a fucking clue, you can be sure of that.
I always knew she was too fucking innocent for him.
Fuuuuck, that messes me up.”
“Yeah, it’s hard to take, that we were there and didn’t stop it.”
“Yeah, it is.
I can guarantee Cory and Kenny were clueless, too.
None of us would have let a thing like that slide.
You have to know that.”
I had.
I’d just needed to hear it out loud.
“Ignorance is no excuse.
We owe that poor girl, Adair, and that kid doesn’t have a father.
The least we can do—“
“I couldn’t agree more.
I’ll call her today.
I just, I don’t know, I thought there was something between the two of you.
I know she always had a thing for you, right from the start.
Didn’t want to step on your territory.”
“She’s like a kid sister to me.
I have no claim there.
Not my territory.”
“So you don’t mind if…?”
“You can ask her out.
But treat her right.
I would take it real personal if you put her through more pain that she’s already been through.
You understand?”
“Yes.
I’m not how I used to be, man.
I’ve grown up.
I’ll treat her right, if she’s interested, I swear.”
That suited me fine.
Dahlia needed to find a new focus for her infatuation.
THREE YEARS AFTER THE ACCIDENT
DANIKA
The stars had aligned, and Bev threw a huge neighborhood BBQ in her backyard during one of my business trips to Vegas at the same time that Dahlia was visiting her least favorite town on the planet.
I got to spend the afternoon in the pool with Mat, Ivan, and little Jack.
It was a charmed day, and so rare that I knew to savor every second of it.
The boys were nine and eleven now, and I still saw them often, but every time I set eyes on them again, I couldn’t believe how much they’d grown and changed.
They hadn’t seen much of Jack, but they went out of their way to be nice to him, and spend time playing games with him.
They were darling boys, and they loved me almost as much as I adored them, and since Jack was my family, they treated him like their family.
Bev and Jerry did it too.
It was heartwarming.
Dahlia hung back a bit from it all, but I knew that it was rare for her to get a break from caring for Jack, and so she enjoyed an afternoon of sunbathing, headphones keeping her from even so much as hearing the loud pool party going on around her.
I didn’t mind a bit.
I was only too happy to get in all the time I could and grateful that she trusted me to care for Jack amidst the chaos.
I played pool games for hours with my three boys and several of the neighbor kids.
I was still good in the water.
Better than I was at walking, in fact.
My knee, with all of its lost cartilage, was lighter there.
I had a blast with those boys.
More fun than I’d had in ages.
And all the while, I had to keep my mind from agonizing over the fact that I’d never get to have any of my own.
I’d always loved kids, always had such a knack for caring for them.
I tried not to rage against the unfairness of it all.
The dark thoughts never lasted long, as the boys were always pulling me back into their games.
It was such a wonderful day, but it was ruined by the most unlikely source.