Authors: Sarah Elizabeth Ashley
James has set the alarm to wake us
early, for a Saturday anyway and by ten we’re strolling along Bond Street
visiting various beautiful jewellers who all offer the most exquisite
collection of diamonds in various colours and shapes.
“What’s it going to be Blossom?”
James asks as we sit staring at an array of the most beautiful jewels in one of
the jewellers we have ventured into.
“I have no idea,” I say so
quietly, “I love the diamonds and I like the square cut.”
“The princess cut?” the
assistant asks.
“Yes, like that one,” I point to
a simple single princess cut diamond set in white gold, it’s simple,
understated.
“You definitely want white gold
or platinum?” James looks at me, a questioning look.
“Yes. I like the white gold, or
platinum very much, and it matches my pendant.” I place my hand on the Tiffany
diamonds that James gave me a few weeks ago.
“Would you like to try this one
on?” The gentleman assisting us asks, removing the diamond from the cushion.
“I think we would.” James
answers for me. He picks the ring up and slips it on the third finger of my
left hand. I hold my hand out to admire the diamond, I shaking feeling so very
excited, loved and cherished, so emotional. “It’s stunning,” I smile at my
incredibly handsome lover. He bends towards me and kisses me gently, I swear the
assistant blushes slightly, but then I expect he’s seen this many, many times
before.
“Shall we have this one?” He
whispers, our noses touch, such an intimate moment yet so public. I look up at
the unruly curls, the dark eyes and the beautiful face.
“Yes,” I whisper, “Yes.” I throw
my arms around his neck and pull him to me so tightly, “It’s perfect,
absolutely perfect!”
“We’ll take this one then,”
James laughs, looking at the assistant, “and I think my fiancée will be keeping
it on!”
“Are you sure the sizing’s
okay?” The jeweller asks, he’s also smiling broadly.
I wiggle the ring around on my
finger. “Its fine, it’s just like it was waiting for me, it’s perfect.”
James reaches for his wallet and
pulls out a bank card.
“James,” I whisper “Can I have a
quick word?”
He steps away from the counter
and takes a step towards me, bending forward he places an hand on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t expect you to pay for
this, not yet anyway. Let me buy it…please.” I keep my voice hushed.
His face turns hard, angry and I
know instantly that I’ve offended him. Panic courses through me, “Sorry, I’m
sorry!” I whisper quickly. I hold my head down looking at the ground. Thoughts
of Lewis crowd my mind. The look on James’ face reminds me of how Lewis would
look before he launched into a rage. I find myself backing away, putting
distance between us, I’m expecting a blow, to be slapped, if we weren’t in a
shop I’d be cowering in the corner. I quickly take the ring off and lay it on
the velvet pad, the assistant looking confused.
“We’ll take it.” James says
firmly and proceeds to hand over his card. His payment is processed and we
leave the shop with the ring in its box and in a thick paper carrier with
ribbon handles.
I wait for him as he turns away
from the counter, he takes my arm so gently and we walk out of the jewellers
and towards the car. I think he knows what’s wrong, in fact I’m sure.
“I’m sorry,” he says, there’s
panic in his voice. “The look on your face, the sheer panic in your eyes, I am
so sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. Alex, I’m sorry!” He pauses,
looking down, “Alex, I would never deliberately hurt you, you have to know
that.” He thrusts his fingers into his hair. “ Shit, Alex!”
I don’t say a word. I know that
if I speak I’ll sob. I feel choked, my mind’s a mess, my heart’s beating
rapidly. This was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life and I feel
like shit, whatever I do Lewis is haunting me, lurking in the back of my mind,
the only way I’m going to be free of Lewis is if I was dead. Instantly, like
someone has turn a switch on I’m thrown back to my previous life, a life full
or heartache, hurt and pain. I try to calm myself, keep myself in check.
We both climb into the car and
sit in silence. James has the ring in its bag. “Fuck, I’m sorry – I don’t know
what else to say.” He reaches for my hand as I break down. I sob my head hung
forward. He leans over to me and puts his arms around me as best he can whilst
we’re sat with a gear lever, hand brake and various bits of dash board between
us, “Alex, oh hell, what can I say? Fuck, I haven’t ruined it have I?” He
sounds distraught, absolutely wrecked.
I don’t answer, because I can’t.
“We need to go and get Anna.” He
pulls away from the kerb and heads out of London towards Heathrow.
I look out of my window as he
drives to the airport, I know I must look a mess with my red puffy face, I take
a deep breath, “It wasn’t what you said James,” I say quietly as I begin to sob
again, “It… it... was the look!”
I see him glance over at me, he
moves his hand to my thigh, “I am so sorry Blossom.” He squeezes my thigh
lightly as I struggle to pull myself together. We drive the remainder of the
journey in silence. I think we’re both so desperately upset and sorry with and
for each other.
We arrive at Heathrow and
straight into a space near the arrivals hall for Terminal five. Pulling the
vanity mirror down in the sun visor I try put my face right, I look a state! He
reaches over towards my thigh again, “I really am so sorry, I never meant to
upset you. It’s just, well I wanted to buy that ring for you, you know I don’t
want to be kept!”
Looking up at him I can see that
he looks genuinely horrified, shocked and concerned, he leans forward and
kisses me gently on the cheek, “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how
to make it right!”
He reaches for the jeweller’s
bag and pulls out the tiny ring box, “Will you wear it…please?” His voice is
deep and has an almost sad tone.
I look at the box, and then away
from him. Inside I still feel shattered, totally. Yes, I love him with all of
my heart, but have I seen a side of him today that I hadn’t seen before? I
don’t know what to do! He just looks at me “Alex, please!”
“I don’t know if I can do this
anymore!” I’m exasperated, “I’ve got too much baggage, too much going on, and
you’re, well you’re so nice, such a lovely man who wants to do no more than
care for someone, you should be with someone your own age James, not an old
woman with a fucked up head!” I don’t know how else to put it, he looks down at
the steering wheel, shaking his head, his fingers in that hair again.
I open the car door and walk
towards the arrivals hall to meet my daughter. Her flight is scheduled to land
in the next ten minutes I know I’ve not long to wait. I’m aware of James
following me quickly, I can hear his footsteps picking up pace, “Alex,
Alex….wait!” He calls, catching me up he grasps my arm and spins me around
looking down at me.
“It’ll break my heart Alex, if
you go, if you leave me, you’ll ruin me!” He voice is so soft, I think he means
it. His curls fall forward around his temples, his eyes bore into me, so
intense. “What have I got to do to make it up to you, all I wanted to do was
pay for the damn thing!”
“It was the way you looked
James, not what you said. I know how you feel about the money, but it was the
way you looked at me, nothing else. I saw Lewis, the anger in your face, it was
Lewis before he flew into a rage. I don’t know if I can go back there James? I
don’t know. I love you too, more than I ever loved him, much more. But you talk
about me ruining you if we stop, this, this
fling
now, if I marry you
and you turn into Lewis you’ll do more, much more than
ruin
me, you’d
kill me because I can never, ever go back there, I can never live like that
again.” I pause, looking down, taking a deep breath and composing myself before
looking back up to him. “I’d kill myself first James. I’ve waited over twenty
years to get away from that bastard, and I refuse, totally refuse to go back to
any sort of relationship like that, ever again!” The words tumble out as James
just stands, his hands on the tops of my arms, listening to each and every word
that spews from my mouth.
“Fuck!…How do I put it right?
What can I do?” He’s desperate. He shoves his fingers back into his hair. “What
do I have to do Alex? What?” He raises his voice at me.
I throw him a look, “Well not
shout at me, that’s for sure! You think I’ve left one bloody psychotic bastard
to get landed with another?” I move away slightly and start to move towards the
terminal building, after only a couple of steps I turn back towards him.
“James, you showed a side of you just now that I’d never seen before. All I did
was suggest that I pay for the damn ring and I’m sorry if that hurt your pride
but I was prepared to share what’s mine with you. I thought we were a team, you
know what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, but the way you acted in
that jewellers it was just how Lewis behaved when he was about to lose control.
I could see the anger, the rage in your face and I
refuse
to go there
again? I can’t live with that again.” I turn away from him, “I need to meet
Anna.”
I don’t look back but carry on
walking towards the arrivals lounge. He doesn’t follow me. As I walk through
the main doors into the terminal building I glance back and see James slumped
against a wall, his hands still firmly wedged in his hair, his head down, he’s
clearly distressed.
Have I been too tough on him?
Checking the arrivals boards I
see that Anna’s flight has landed. Glancing around I notice Rachel, Katie’s mum
and her husband Greg. I’m sure I must look a wreck and don’t really want to
talk to them but it would be incredibly rude not to, and the girls will
doubtless come through the exit together leaving me no option but to say
hello
at some point, so I go over to where they’re standing.
“Rachel, Greg.” I approach them.
They’re standing there looking like an older Barbie and Ken, all prim and
proper and look so very happy together, him dressed to kill, he’s far too
overdressed for an airport run and Rachel looks like she’s stepped out of some
shop window, God she’s even got new over inflated breasts!
“Alex, how are you?” Rachel
gushes as she leans forward and kisses the air at either side of my cheeks, “we
haven’t seen you for ages!” Greg just stands there and smiles.
“I’m well thank you, very well.
I think the girls have had a good time, from what I can tell anyway?” I make
polite conversation.
“It’s a pity we couldn’t have
sent her off as a
well done
trip,” Greg butts in, “If it had been up to
me she’d have been grounded for the holidays not sent off to
Cali-bloody-fornia. Failing her ‘A’ Levels in big style! You let her get away
with too much Rachel.” He glares at his wife.
“Oh come on Greg, it’s not that bad.
She can re-sit. It’s only twelve months she’ll be behind.”
“Exactly my dear, twelve months
behind…
be-hind!”
He snaps at her and then continues to focus on the
arrival of his daughter, oh maybe I had misread the signs that they were happy,
clearly the Barbie and Ken routine is just that, a
routine
for the
outside world to look upon!
Rachel shrugs her shoulders and
looks at me. She takes my elbow and guides me away from her husband, we’re just
out of earshot of him.
“He’s doesn’t understand Alex,
not at all. The pressure the girls have been under, he has such high hopes for
her and, well I don’t think she really wants to study medicine, I wouldn’t put
it past her to have failed deliberately!” Rachel’s voice is hushed.
“Really!” I am so surprised.
Katie seemed full of medicine and university when she stayed with us.
“Yes, really. She doesn’t want
to do medicine. I don’t believe she’s ever wanted to. It’s only what he’s
forced on her, bullied her to do in a way. Anyway, if I know Katie she’ll flunk
again, deliberately you understand and, well maybe then he’ll get the message!”
She explains, “Soooo, tell me about you! Katie says you’ve a real dish in tow!”
“Yes, well. He’s waiting
outside.” I look towards the car park.
“Call him in Alex, please let me
see.” She’s positively drooling. “You’re the talk of the village you know, Alex
Drake, the woman that proved that life
really
does begin at forty!” Shit
exactly what I didn’t want, what am I going to say “
sorry, I can’t we’ve
just fallen out with each other, maybe I could say I’ve just discovered he’s
also a bastard!”
“You’ll see him when we go to
the car.” I try and move the conversation on,
talk of the village, as if!
“So, Katie’s told me all about
your new house, how
big
it is. You’re so lucky Alex, you really are.”
“I don’t know about lucky.” I
frown. I may have a shed load of cash and it is nice not to have to worry about
anything, financially anyway, but it also has its problems.
“Oh, but you are, I mean coming
into all of that, landing a hunk, and a younger one at that. I best he lasts
longer than Lewis, you know what I mean?” She nudges me and winks. “You’ll have
to share your secret, you can’t keep that one hidden away!” She winks at me
again, I just stand looking at her, not quite open mouthed but nearly,
lasting
longer than Lewis, if only she knew!
“There is no secret Rachel, just
a series of events.” I don’t want this conversation to continue, I know Rachel
but not that well, we’ve never been closer than school gate mum’s, our link to
each other being the children. I don’t think she’s any links to Lewis, but I’m
on my guard and I don’t want to give her any information that she could
potentially pass on.