Loving Heart (The Broken Heart Series Book 3) (2 page)

“You don’t know how much I regret everything I’ve done…especially to you…but especially…
for
him. I never touched a hair on the head of any of those women. They meant something to me…a friendship…someone to talk to…to spend time with.  I was repulsed by what he did, but he was my father, the only father
I’ve
ever known. Even though he did what he did, he cared for me.” I walked towards the kitchen window looking out of it contemplating whether or not to punch a hole through it or jump out of it. I glanced over at her as I leaned my hands against the window pane. “I had a top notch education. I had everything. The little 6-year-old boy who saw his mother’s head get blown off by his father graduated from Yale.” I shook my head reliving the moment he pointed the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. Her head exploded like a Halloween pumpkin being thrown out of a window and landing on the hard concrete sidewalk. Her brains splattered against the wall and all over my face. When she fell to the floor, she fell on top of me. The amount of blood that spilled from her head and all over me, covered me in seconds. He grabbed me and lifted me into his arms with one hand. I held on to him tightly.
I had no one else to hold
. I looked out of the window again, too hurt to even look her way. “He was intelligent and could even sell you the Brooklyn Bridge then make you sell it back to him for… free.” My palms were sweaty and I felt my heart beating hard against my chest. I needed to get through to her, but I could see it in her face she didn’t care what I said. “He got away with murder and it was easy, really easy for him, and I couldn’t win. He never let me visit my grandmother…his mother.
He knew
. He knew the life he led and he didn’t want that for me.” My lips quivered as the pressure in my hands made them ball into a fist. I took a deep breath. One of the deepest breaths I could. My anger was taking control of me. I didn’t want her to see this side of me. I never wanted her to see this side of me again.
I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t help it.

“Did he really kill your mother?” she glanced up at me quickly, then I looked away.

“He did…right in front of me…but he told me she was a whore and cheated on him. She deserved to die. I was six years old. 
Six. Fucking. Years. Old.
I believed him.” All of these feelings; the pregnancy, my mother, Jenesis being raped was all trapped in my head.
I wanted to punch something.
Anything. But not her. I wanted to hold her. Kiss her. Fuck away this pain that lay dormant in my heart. If I could I would kill Dave again…for killing my mother, killing those women, killing the people that I loved and for raping my wife. She didn’t understand. I couldn’t save my mother and I lived with that guilt all of my life. The tears surged at the corners of my eyes. I needed her to believe in me again. “Don’t you see? He’s all I ever had. It took me years of sitting in the school’s counselors office as a kid, then endless drunken nights of puking with my best friend Eddie to overcome all of this shit when I got older. Eddie never liked Dave…and now,
he’s
dead…because of
me
.” I lowered my head in disgrace. Feeling the pain of Eddie’s death in the pit of my stomach and knowing that I could never say I’m sorry to him was a pain in my heart that I lived with every day.

“My God
… Eddie, Margaret, Carl…Vivian, my best friend…
Michael? I can’t…” She had to get up and walk around. I knew what she was feeling. I walked over to her slowly, turning her around to face me and cupping her face in my hands.

“You see,
I
didn’t know any better, and
I
trusted him. Who else did I have? I had no one else, no one.” I whispered. I wanted to touch her lips with my tongue. I wanted to invade her mouth and swallow her whole. There was nothing that hurt me more than not touching the woman I loved. My fingers slowly traced the line of her cheek bone.  Her beautiful eyes shedding tears because of me. I hurt her so much. It’s been so long since I’ve touched her. I released her beautiful face from my hands and my heart sank into my stomach. I stood there standing in front of her, then she reached out for my hand.

“Here…feel.” she whispered as she placed her hand over her stomach.

“This baby is innocent Michael. He’s you and me…that’s it. He’s not Dave’s. He is nowhere inside of me Michael. Please…I need you…I need you to love me
unconditionally…
the way that I love you. No matter what you thought about doing to me and no matter how you helped Dave…I forgave you…because I can… and I know that you truly love me.”
I placed the palms of my hands on her stomach and then fall to my knees. I lifted her blouse and kissed her belly gently.

“I’m sorry baby…I’m. So. Sorry.” She slid her fingers through my hair as I cried softly against her stomach, kissing her belly button and grabbing on tightly around her waist. This child was the most important person in her life right now and I…just couldn’t accept that.

     I stood on my knees in the hallway of the apartment thinking about how this pregnancy might tear us apart. She slid down against the wall and sat on the floor with me. For the first time in months…
I had hope and she finally let me touch her
.

    
I sat in the chair across from her with as she lay in the bed getting ready to sleep. She closed her eyes and let the stress of the day fall behind her as she clutched her pillow tightly then slowly released as she fell into a deeper sleep. She seemed to be dreaming all night long, twisting and turning in the bed; Reliving the nightmares she had before we met or the new nightmares I created for her…about me and Dave. I got up and sat on the windowsill wondering where this relationship was going. How I fucked up her life. How I destroyed everything she believed in…including my love. Now, she was pregnant. Two prospective fathers, one a rapist and murderer, the other…the accomplice.  I couldn’t force her to be with me. I needed to think of a way to gain her trust; to make her love me again. I just didn’t have a clue how.

                                    Jenesis     Chapter 2

     I woke up staring at Michael sleeping in the chair across from my bed. His head was leaning on his shoulders and his heart shaped lips were puckered up like a fish. I remember how I would kiss his beautiful lips in the morning. This was so hard for me, but right now there was something even harder I needed to confront and that was Dr. Joe.

     I got up and took a quick shower. I grabbed my sweat pants and sweat shirt from the dresser and got dressed. I didn’t want to wake up Michael to tell him where I was going. This was something I needed to do myself. I grabbed my purse and went downstairs to hail a cab. It was a rainy day. The day already started off somber and somehow the rain just added to the darkness. I placed the hood of the sweatshirt over my head and waved my hand. The cab stopped and I got in quickly.

“Mount Sinai hospital, please.” I said

“Sure. Rainy day” he smiled through the rear view mirror. “I hate when it rains.” The cab driver said. He pulled out a cigarette from a cigarette box. “Do you mind?” he glanced at me through the rear view mirror again.

“Sorry. I’m pregnant.” I smiled.

“Oh…congrats. I don’t need to smoke anyway. This stuff will kill you.” He chuckled then slipped the cigarette box back into his pocket.

We pulled up to the hospital.

“Thank you.” I said as I gave him a twenty-dollar bill.

“Sure thing. I can pick you up when you get out. Here’s my card.” He pulled out his business card and handed it to me. I grabbed it casually and nodded as I stepped out of the cab.

“Your change!” he shouted.

“Keep it.” I was feeling generous and thankful he didn’t smoke in the cab. He reminded me of Dave a little and it kind of broke my heart.

     I walked through the automatic doors of the hospital to see Dr. Joe at Mount Sinai.  I needed to speak with him and I knew if I didn’t, the stress would cause me to miscarry again. I asked security to page him and before I knew it, he was standing behind me.

“Jenesis?” he asked softly.

“Hi.” My heart immediately dropped and when I looked into his eyes…I automatically felt sick.

“Are you okay? What are you doing here?” he asked with concern.

“I’m pregnant and I need to speak with you.”   I was a nervous wreck and he noticed. I couldn’t look him straight in the eyes. My hands were trembling and I walked quickly towards the elevator.  He glanced at his beeper as it vibrated on his belt buckle.

“Did you have security page me? He asked.

“Yes…please, can we go to your office?” I asked nervously.

“Of course, come.”  He placed his hand on my back and continued to escort me to the elevators. He pressed the number six and we headed to his office. The closer we got the more nauseous I felt. He unlocked the door and I entered into a huge conference room. “Please, sit.” he remained standing and seemed nervous as he placed both hands on the top of the leather seat.

“Thanks.” I sat against the leather chair thinking about what I was going to say. It had to be quick because at any moment, I was going to fall apart.

“How far along are you?”  He asked apprehensively. It seemed as if he knew why I was there to see him.

“I’m not sure…two…three months, maybe.” I said reluctantly.

“Congratulations.” He said without looking at me. “Do you want me to do blood work?”

“Yes…and while you’re checking to see if I’m pregnant…Can you do a paternity test?” He glanced over at me. He was caught off guard by my question.

“A what?” His eyebrows furrowed. “We can’t do that until the baby is born; I mean, we can now, but I wouldn’t want to risk to a procedure like that on you while the baby is inside of you. You’ve miscarried twice already.” he said cautiously.

“No…” I whispered. “I mean a paternity test to see if…
you’re
my father.” His stare went blank. He immediately became stone-faced, his eyes widening before me…he knew he had to answer a question he couldn’t ignore.

“What are you talking about?” he said as he walked over to the large, rectangular window overlooking the street.

“You read what happened in the newspaper, right? Dave, the captain of the detective unit that I worked for was killed, everything was written in black and white in the papers. The cops shot and killed him and he died a hero, but that’s not what really happened…
at all
.” I stood with my hands in my lap clutched together. “And now that Dave is dead, everything that happened remains a mystery, including what he said before…before…he…raped me.” I said trembling. I turned face away from him as my insides churned.

“Jenesis…I didn’t know that happened to you. I’m so sorry. I wish I was there to protect you. I would have…killed him.” He clenched his fists on top of the leather chair as his lips tightened into a straight line. You could tell he was going to explode.  “Is Dave the father of the child you’re carrying?” I turned to look at him as he asked me with tears and rage in his eyes. He was devastated, but not because I was raped, but because he knew he was going to have to tell me something that I needed to forgive him for. I could feel it in my heart.

“The baby is Michael’s. Michael tried to protect me and killed Dave…but I was shot, too…right in my stomach, the bullet went right through Dave and into me. I was lucky I was able to get pregnant again. So, regardless of who’s the father right now, I’m going to have this baby.” At this point, I was a bundle of nerves.  “But I have to know…Joe…you need to tell me the truth. Are you my father?” I pleaded softly, the tears skating down my cheeks relentlessly. I stared at him, imploring with my eyes. He cleared his throat before answering me.

“What did Dave tell you?” he said softly, almost in a whisper.

“He said my mother was having an affair…with you and that you’re my father. You’re the reason my father hated me all of my life. Is it true?” The ball in my throat grew thicker and the nerves in my stomach got tighter.

“Jen, there’s nothing more that I want than to tell you the truth.” He took a deep breath before he parted his lips to speak. “Yes, I had an affair with your mother. But it wasn’t an affair; It lasted for 21 years…it was much more than that, I loved her…she was my life.” I inhaled deeply, got up from the chair and started to walk around. I lost my breath.
Twenty-one years…did he just say twenty-one years?

     He walked around the conference table giving me no eye contact at all.
I wanted to kill him
. Kill him because I knew he was going to tell me lots of things I couldn’t deal with, especially now.

“I couldn’t tell anyone because of your father. You know how small towns are, there’s always big gossip. Besides, she thought he would kill her… or you. She didn’t want to put you in more danger.” He walked over to me slowly. I could feel the tension thickening in the air. My heart pounded as he approached me. “I loved her more than anything in the world and when she told me that there was a possibility that you were mine, I was so overjoyed. All I wanted was to see your father dead. Dead and gone, so I could raise you and we could be a family.” He held both of my hands and I couldn’t say a word. I was speechless and stunned to say the least. I felt like my whole world had collapsed around me. He sat me down, then knelt before me. “Every beating that she took, she took for you and for me. I wanted to end the relationship, but I couldn’t stay away from her and to be honest, I couldn’t live without her.