Authors: Dianne Venetta
And the sounds. Screaming, shrieking. Like a trapped animal trying to free itself. Sam shuddered. Usually one to attempt interpretation of her dreams, she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to
know
what this one meant.
Whatever it was hadn’t been positive, of
that
she was certain. But it was neither here nor there. Cursing the late hour and the fact that she was awake, Sam tore the blanket from her body and headed for the bathroom.
“Sam!”
Lightning split through her heart. “Jess?” she called out in the darkness, then bolted from the room before she had a chance to think. She raced down the hall and followed the light spilling into the hall from the bathroom.
Clad only in nightshirt, Jessica sat hunched over the toilet, head clutched between her hands.
“Sam!” she cried out again.
“I’m here,” she reassured. “What’s wrong?” The hammering in her chest threatened to explode. “Are you okay?”
“Oh Sam...help me.”
That’s when she saw it. Blood. Bright red stains against the dark pink of her panties crumpled around her ankles, the overflow smearing across the white marble floor.
“It’s coming out in clumps—I’ve never had so much.”
Panic clamped down on Sam,
hard
. “Oh my God...” Sam rushed to her sister. She wrapped both arms around her in an instant need for consolation, but then released her with the sudden realization something had to be done. “Jess,” she commanded as she pulled her sister’s hands from her face. Brushing the damp tangle of hair from her eyes, Sam’s heart leapt to her throat. Shocked fear stared back and pierced her to the core. “Punk, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
“No, no,” she stammered, “no...” She tossed her head about. “It’s not! I’ve never had this much blood before and it’s coming out in pieces! Sam—”
The name choked in her throat.
“Listen to me,” she said and held the girl’s face in her hands. It was pale. Too pale. “Are you okay—does it hurt?”
“No...it...cramps...” she whimpered, eyes swimming in tears.
“Is it like cramps? Is that what you’re saying?”
Jess latched on to Sam and gave a few rapid nods.
“We have to call the doctor,” Sam said, more to herself than Jessica. “Everything will be okay, don’t worry. You’ll be okay, punk. You’ll be okay,” she whispered, willing it to be true. But the sheer amount of blood concerned her. That couldn’t be good—for her or the baby.
Wash cloth. She needed a wash cloth. Leaving one hand with Jess, she shot the other over to the sink and whipped on the faucet. Grabbing a towel from the bar to her side, she shoved it under the running water until it was soaked. With the one hand, she wrung as much water free as she could, then folded it in half and brought it to her sister’s forehead. “Here, this will make you feel better.”
“I’m losing the baby.” Fear took a desperate hold as Jessica cried out, “I’m losing the baby, aren’t I?”
The baby
. Ambivalence sliced Sam’s insides wide open. Deep in her heart, Sam felt an instant regret.
Losing the baby
. The unexpected baby. The unwanted baby. The one she most likely would have aborted. “I don’t know, I don’t know…” Sam shook her head and silenced her mind. There was no time for what ifs or second-guessing. There was only time for action.
“What do I do now?” Jessica asked, her voice small and pleading.
Sam didn’t know. She glanced at the blood smeared floor, the young woman sitting before her with her insides gushing free… She didn’t know anything about babies!
The sheen of sweat around her neck and shoulders began to build. The thumping in her chest picked up its pace. She didn’t know what happened during a miscarriage. She didn’t know what happened to the woman’s body, the baby—she simply didn’t know!
Sam held the cloth to Jessica’s cheeks. She rubbed her back. She cut off the doubts. She worked to gain clarity. “Everything’s going to be all right.” It had to be. “I’m going to call the doctor and—”
“Don’t leave me!” Jessica clutched Sam’s arm. “Please,
I can’t do this alone
.”
It was a grip that stopped her short. Drawn to the naked fear staring back at her, Sam realized that if she didn’t do something quick, the kid may lose more than the baby. She placed a hand over Jessica’s and gently squeezed. “Yes you can. You will get through this and I will help you.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lying on the stiff hospital bed, propped up to a reclined sitting position, Jessica stared at the ceiling. Outside dawn was making its arrival, seeping in through curtain seams with bright determination. Dr. Anderson told her to rest but she couldn’t. Her mind wouldn’t stop. Her body ached. He told her she could expect some cramping after the D & C but she disagreed. It felt more like her uterus had been punctured, stabbed. Her pelvis felt stunned. He prescribed pain medication but she wanted none of it. For some reason, she felt the need to experience what her body had gone through, what her baby had gone through.
Sam sat by her side and held her hand, but said nothing. She was waiting. Waiting for her sister to begin the conversation. A shiver raced across her shoulders. It was a conversation she could no longer avoid. She had lost the baby.
Despite the lightweight blankets draped across her body, Jessica felt a chill deep in her bones.
She lost the baby
. Luke’s face appeared in her mind’s eye. He had been crushed when she told him about Brad. After she told him, he asked her why but when she replied she didn’t know, he simply hung up the phone. The dial tone sounded, but she held on. He would come back. He had to come back.
Jessica rolled her head to face her sister. The red of her shirt seemed to accentuate the white in her com-plexion, the blue beneath her eyes. Her hair was loose and uncombed. Her gaze burned with concern, question. “Why?” she murmured.
“Why what, punk?”
Why did you make me call him? Why did I lose the baby? Tears pricked at her eyes. The dull pain pulsed low in her belly. “Why did this happen?”
Sam’s eyes darkened to near black as she shook her head. “I don’t know...”
What did it mean? Jessica wondered. Where did she go from here?
“I’m sorry.” Sam took Jessica’s hand and held it between her two. “I’m sorry I made you call him.”
Jessica stared at her older sister. She had always looked up to her. Always valued her opinion. Had she made a mistake?
“I should have kept out of it. I just wanted to help, I wanted you to see that telling the truth was best but…” her words drifted into the space between them.
Yes. Her first thought was yes, you should have. But in her heart of hearts Jessica knew it had to happen. Would have happened. Eventually, Luke would have learned the truth. Whether he learned it from someone on campus or he learned it from her, he would have found out. Lying always caught up with someone.
Isn’t that what Sam said
? And it killed a part of your soul. “It’s not your fault.”
But Sam’s sullen gaze clearly believed otherwise.
“I’m the one who cheated on Luke, not you.” She thought saying it aloud helped, as though the admission would free her from the lie. “It was my fault.”
Sam reached over and brushed the wisps of hair near her face, then ran the back of her fingers lightly along her cheek. “You made a mistake. We all make them.”
She looked at her sister and felt a twinge of resentment. We don’t all cheat.
You made that quite clear
.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like a dead weight.”
Sam frowned and clasped her hand again. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“No.” There was nothing anyone could do.
“You’ll get through this, Jess.”
“I know.” A fresh wave of tears pushed behind her eyes. The baby was gone but she would survive.
“Dr. Anderson said you lost quite a bit of blood but with a little rest you’ll be fine.”
Jessica nodded and allowed the tears to fall.
Sam’s eyes shone. “Do you want me to call Luke?”
“No,” she replied firmly.
“He’ll want to know.”
Jessica doubted that but said nothing. Sam didn’t know how their conversation ended. She didn’t know she had told Luke she was thinking of having the baby. And she should. Taking a deep breath, she summoned her strength and looked directly into Sam’s eyes. “I wasn’t going to have an abortion.”
“What?” Sam’s grip on her hand went slack.
“I couldn’t go through with it.”
“What do you mean? You were scared?”
“Scared, confused, unsure…”
Jessica looked away. She didn’t know exactly. She only knew the thought of going through with the procedure didn’t sit well and she couldn’t bring herself to make the call.
“What were you planning on doing then?”
It was an obvious question and one for which she didn’t have an answer.
“Did Luke know?”
She turned to face her sister and nodded. “He wanted to make a go of it. Until I called him.”
“Oh Jess…” She dropped her head forward and shook it slowly back and forth.
Behind her, a nurse walked in and with a tender smile asked, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
Sam looked up, tears glistening in her eyes.
“Any cramping?”
“A little.”
“Can I still take her home this morning?” Sam asked.
“Yes. Dr. Anderson said so long as she checks out okay then you can begin the paperwork and have her out of here within the hour.”
Within the hour? Jessica thought. She’d barely had the procedure!
“May I?” the nurse motioned she wanted to begin.
Sam stood and moved out of the way to allow the nurse room to place a blood pressure cuff around her upper arm. She began pumping an oval-shaped rubber ball attached by a black tube and the cuff tightened. “Do you have any questions for me?” she asked Jessica while looking at the small dial on the band.
Jessica shook her head as she felt the pressure on her arm pulsate and release.
“The doctor gave her a prescription for pain medicine,” Sam said. “How long should she expect to need it?”
The air hissed noisily from the cuff. “Depends on the patient,” she said more to Jessica than Sam. Unwrapping the cuff she asked, “Are you feeling any discomfort?”
“Some,” she lied.
“Everyone is different, but usually the cramping lasts for only a day or two and you may experience some spotting but don’t worry, it’s all normal.”
Normal. Jessica wished she wouldn’t use that term. Nothing was normal about passing blood clots the size of plums. Nothing was normal about having your insides scraped clean. A profound sense of sadness overwhelmed her. Nothing was normal about losing your baby.
“If the bleeding is heavy or the cramping becomes severe call Dr. Anderson right away. Also call him if you run a fever or have any unusual discharge.”
“What does that mean?” Sam asked.
“It could be signs of infection.”
Jessica noted Sam’s expression shifted from fact finding to mild alarm as she asked, “How common is that?”
“Not very, but it’s still a possibility.” She turned to Jessica and smiled. “Dr. Anderson doesn’t anticipate any problems. The surgery went well and you’re in good health. Within six to eight weeks your menstrual cycle should return to normal. If you do have any bleeding in the next week, avoid using tampons. A light pad should be sufficient.”
Grateful for Sam’s capable presence, Jessica watched her eyes dart between her and the nurse as she asked, “Anything else we should know?”
“Presuming all goes well, she should be able to return to her regular activities within a day or so, though I would hold off on sexual intercourse and swimming pools for a couple of weeks.”
Jessica groaned inwardly. Swimming and sex were the last things on her mind.
“I need to take your temperature,” she said and pulling a thermometer from her pocket, she gently placed it in her ear. With a click, she pulled it free and read the results. “Ninety-eight point seven. Wonderful.”
Sam watched as she took hold of Jessica’s wrist and recorded her pulse. She jotted down some notes in her file, closed it and said to both of them, “I’ll let Dr. Anderson know everything looks great and you’ll be out of here before you know it!”
While Jessica appreciated her enthusiasm, she couldn’t quite join in the sentiment. Going home meant what, returning to Tallahassee? Hanging out at Sam’s, living with herself and the loss of her baby? Her mood sank.
Where did she go from here
?
“Thank you,” Sam said and walked the nurse out into the hallway. Probably getting the paperwork signed for discharge.
Discharge. Jessica thought about the potential for infection and closed her eyes and thought, please don’t let that happen.
Please
. Haven’t I got enough to worry about without the complications of an infection?
An image of Luke came to mind. She had to tell him. Whether he wanted to talk to her or not, he had to know about the miscarriage. He couldn’t go on thinking she was carrying his baby—or Brad’s.
Jessica folded her arms across her midsection. Maybe he’d be relieved. Tears pushed beneath her lids at the thought. Maybe he’d be relieved she lost the baby so he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore—or think about her. He could move on with his life and away from her.
Jessica opened her eyes and they filled with moisture. Her heart ached. Her pelvis ached. Sam walked in and seeing the tears, hurried to her side. “Jess, what is it?” She glanced at her stomach and placed a hand to her arms. “Are you hurting?”
Hurting wasn’t the half of it! “Luke is going to be relived I lost the baby.”
“No he isn’t,” Sam said and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“Yes he is.” She squeezed her body. “Now he won’t have to have anything to do with me.”
“No,” Sam hushed her. “That’s not true. Luke loves you. He cares about what happens to you.”
“Not after I told him about Brad he doesn’t and I don’t blame him.”
“He wanted to marry you, Jess. He wanted to take care of you and the baby.” She placed a hand to her shoulder. “You told him you were going to keep it, didn’t you?”