Authors: Dianne Venetta
And it felt good.
Sam missed her yoga practice. It had been two weeks since she last closed herself away from the hassles of life, turning inward for quiet reflection. For peace; something she yearned for, needed. If she were to remain sane, anyway. But time and circumstance did not always allow for what
she
needed. Sometimes, it was about other people.
With practiced intention, she inhaled slow and deep and held the breath of life in her chest. Vic leaped to the front of her mind, squeaking past Jess and the miscarriage as the prime cause for the chaos in her heart. She expelled the breath in a rush.
Vic
. Her thoughts gathered around him. She missed him. After he left her office this morning she hadn’t seen him all day. Where he was or what he was doing she didn’t know, but a part of her had wanted him to return. Discuss the details of the case, toss back and forth ideas, smile at her in his knowing way, heavy with emotion, sharp with flirtation and the promise of things to come. But he had left her alone. To work, to sort through matters with Jess…
Sam didn’t know his reasoning. She only felt his absence.
The bleep from her phone made Sam jump. She whirled around and pressed the intercom, finger trembling. “Yes?”
“I have Raul on the line.”
Reality yanked her back to the present. Raul. Work. “Thanks, Mare.” Sam inhaled a quick breath of air and flushed thoughts of Vic from her brain. She plucked the phone from its base. Duty called.
This
is where her mind should be, not flitting off through the clouds of make-believe.
With a renewed sense of purpose, Sam pushed the button to connect them and clipped, “Raul, what’s up?”
“We’ve done it.”
“Done what?” she asked, feeling the idiot to the obvious.
“The DA will likely bring charges against Scaliano.”
A wave of sweet redemption poured into her. “Really...” She could hardly believe it. Vic would be thrilled! “That’s fantastic news, Raul. How’d you do it so fast?”
“I told you. I have a contact.”
“I guess so,” she replied, genuine admiration whisking through her veins. “Remind me never to doubt you, will you?”
“Why Sam, I didn’t suspect you ever did.”
Sam chuckled at his warm tease.
And it felt good. Allowing the change in energy—in focus—to flow through her, she welcomed the shift in tides. She needed to get back in the game, release the pressure and move forward with life, with work. This business of pining away for a man was doing nothing for her.
“I’m glad to hear it, Raul. This will make Vic a happy man.”
“I hope so. He’s worked long and hard to bring this man to justice.”
Raul’s fixation with Vic rolled into her mind, churning up old suspicion. There it was again, that vested interest on Vic’s behalf. It was almost paternal the way Raul seemed to look out for the man’s self-interest. But heart and mind tapped dry, Sam felt no desire to probe.
“Can you bring me up to speed on where we stand on the civil charges?”
Not willingly, Sam thought. She was too exhausted, her attention trampled. “Listen, I plan to cut out early today. Can we touch base next week?”
“Of course. No problem, Sam. We’ll talk then.”
“Thanks.” She hung up the phone and for a moment, doubted her ability to stand and walk of her own volition. But she had to. She had to get home to Jess.
# # #
Swinging the red Mercedes off Brickell Avenue beneath the massive palms lining the round drive of her building, she slowed for the automatic gate to her garage. The breeze blowing in off the bay was pretty brisk for this late in the afternoon, Sam thought. Hope it didn’t mean a storm was brewing but one glimpse of the choppy inland waters told the tale. Rain was in her forecast.
She zipped up the two flights and pulled her car to an abrupt stop in the corner space marked with her unit number. Grabbing her briefcase, she headed for the eleva-tors. Not able to touch base with Jess she was concerned. She hadn’t sounded good this morning and with no contact since, Sam’s mind was veering in directions she’d rather not travel. Riding up to the twenty-first floor, she wondered if Jess was sleeping. Dr. Anderson told her to get some rest. Could it be she was taking his advice?
With a ding, the doors slid open and she hurried into the hall foyer. Keys in hand she opened the door to her unit and stopped. There behind the sofa sat Jess’ duffel bag.
What was this
?
“Hey,” Jess said.
Sam looked up to see her standing by the refrigerator with a glass of water in hand. Dressed in a faded blue T-shirt and jeans, her hair brushed long and loose, car keys on the kitchen counter, she appeared to be on her way out. “What are you doing?” Sam asked, closing the door behind her. Casting a glance back toward the duffel bag on the floor she walked over to Jess. “Are you leaving?”
“I am,” she nodded and took a sip of water.
“What happened?” She gazed at Jess and noted the girl was wearing makeup, a leather bracelet cuff on her wrist. “Is everything all right?”
“Yeah,” she replied, but there was no enthusiasm in her voice. It was dull, much like it had been over the last several days.
“But I don’t understand.” Sam placed her briefcase on the barstool. “You didn’t say anything about leaving.”
She shrugged. “Just decided today.”
“Just like that?”
She nodded. “Pretty much.” She pulled another sip from her glass which accentuated the hollows of her cheeks.
Sam noted her color was improving, but still… She was a long way from healthy and healed. “But Jess—you can stay as long as you want. You don’t have to go back now.”
“I know, but there’s nothing for me to do here and I need to get back to school, to get organized and all.”
Sam wanted to remind her it was mid-semester and there wasn’t much for her to do there either, but the kid was making an effort and for that she was glad. Hopefully it was a sign that she was rebounding and not sinking into depression. “Sure you don’t want to hang out with Craig a while longer?”
Jess smiled faintly. “Nah. He’s busy and besides, I think I’m going to get a job. Keep me busy until next semester.”
“Mom and Dad know?”
The brief light in her eyes extinguished. “No.”
“Nothing they need to know,” Sam said, quickly realizing Jess was trying to find some peace—something the mention of their parents didn’t help. “You could use the extra cash, I’m sure.”
The smile returned. “Totally.”
“Can I help with anything?”
“No.” Her gaze mellowed and Jess managed a small smile. “But I do want to say thanks.”
“Thanks?”
“Yeah.” She brushed long bangs behind and ear and said, “I know I made a mess of things but I want you to know I appreciate everything you did for me.”
Sam’s tension loosened its stronghold on her neck and shoulders, the words a welcome relief. For a while there she feared the pregnancy and miscarriage would form a permanent scar on their relationship, irrevocably change the bond between sisters. But peering at her from across the kitchen, thankfully it appeared her fears were for not. “You know you’re welcome here any time.”
Jessica’s expression remained sober. “I know, but I shouldn’t have come. But when I found out I was pregnant I just freaked. I should have told Luke instead of running home.” She paused and held Sam’s gaze for a quiet moment. “I should have told him about everything.”
Sam’s heart went out to her. Jess had accepted her lot. She was picking up the pieces, preparing to move on with the business of life, the business of school and while it may prove tough, she deserved respect. “Hey,” Sam walked over and pulled her sister into a hug, inhaling the sweet fresh perfume as it swirled around her. “I should have let you handle it your way.” She squeezed her tight, regret pouring through her as she recalled the negative scenes too prevalent over the last weeks. “It was none of my business.”
“You were only trying to do what was right.”
Sam pulled away and held Jessica by the arms. “I was Jess. I really was. I only want what’s best for you, you know that right?” She needed to clear the air between them, to remove the film from her own conscience because truth be known, it was the disagreement with Vic over the very same subject that set her off so hot and angry and she had taken it out on Jess. Remorse trickled into her soul. And she had lost the baby.
The baby she had decided to keep
. “I was too hard on you and I’m sorry. I feel like it’s my fault you lost the baby.”
Tears welled in Jessica’s eyes, softening the brown to near golden. “It wasn’t. Like you said, doctors don’t know why it happens, it just does.”
A tear spilled onto her cheek and Sam brushed it away. “Stay, Jess. Give us some time to be together.”
She smiled but shook her head, her gratitude plain and unrestrained. “I appreciate everything you’ve done, but I’ve gotta go. No offense, but I’ve gotta sort my stuff out by myself if you know what I mean.”
Sam nodded and squeezed her arms. So that was it. She was leaving as quickly as she had arrived. “I do,” she replied, and eased into a smile. “Better than most.”
“But I want you to know, I don’t blame you. I know you do, but I want you to know...” Jess’ eyes clung to Sam’s, her voice soft but firm as she said, “I don’t. The miscarriage wasn’t your fault.”
Tears pricked at her eyes.
“They were my choices and well...” A smile peeked out from the gloom. “I think I was a little hard on you.”
“I’m tough. I can handle it.”
Jess chuckled and though it was faint, it was genuine. “True, but you shouldn’t have to be. Not on my account. Not when,” her expression sobered. “Not when you were only trying to help. Mostly I want you to know I’m sorry for all the grief I caused.” Her smile broadened. “And I love you.”
Sam hugged her hard. “I do too, punk. I do, too.” She was so young, so sweet and life was so tough. So damn tough that sometimes she wished she could just smooth the way, point out the landmarks, the best vistas and warn her off the steep cliffs and landslide dangers.
Jessica released and said, “Listen, I haven’t said anything to Craig about this so—”
“Done,” Sam said. “The man won’t hear it from me.” Though she didn’t say it, Sam could tell this gag order extended to Mom and Dad as well. “This doesn’t go any farther than here.”
“Thanks,” she said, visibly relieved.
“Eventually, you may change your mind.”
Round eyes pleaded for space. “I can’t face them right now.”
With an abrupt tug at her own intentions, Sam reminded herself not to push. “Does Luke know you’re coming back?”
She nodded.
Young and delicate, her expression reflected the pain, fresh and raw as though it happened yesterday. It pulled at Sam’s heart. “He needs time, Jess. He’ll come around, you’ll see.”
She blinked and tears caught in her lashes. “Doubt it.”
Resolve fired through her veins. “He loves you of
that
you can be sure.” Met with a skeptical gaze, she continued, “A lot of guys would have left the minute they learned of the pregnancy. He didn’t. He asked you to marry him. That’s a special kind of love. One with staying power, you can count on it.”
“Great. He’ll make someone very happy.” Her voice broke as she added, “It just won’t be me.”
And as Sam watched a swollen tear plummet to the blue cotton of her shirt, irony struck. It was exactly how she felt about Vic. Her breathing slowed. Deep down, in the core of her being, Sam wanted to be that woman, the one he cradled in his arms every night. The one he nurtured and protected. The one he came home to, dined with, made love to…
She quickly buried the desire. It was nothing more than a foolish distraction. Vic had been a wonderful experience but the two of them didn’t have staying power. He needed love and commitment. He needed safe and secure, a warm marital bed and a house full of children. Her breathing grew shallow as the reality anchored deep. None of which she could give him because marriage and family were not on her agenda. She had everything she needed, worked for years to achieve. She couldn’t let the distractions of her heart detour her from success simply because she missed the sign.
Soft shoulder up ahead.
Sam centered on her sister and embraced her with tender contemplation. This was a big moment in her life and she was proud of the way she handled herself, proud of the way she was moving forward. It hurt right now, but she’d be okay. They both would. Jess’ life may have been modeled after her own in some ways and mistakenly so, but decisions fed life, much like a river branched and channeled. It was a winding path, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always moving and with each new decision came a new and winding turn, some of them treacherous, some of them easy but all worth experiencing.
Sam thought about their lives, compared their choices. Jess could have been her. Fifteen years ago, she could have found herself with an unexpected pregnancy and what then? She dallied in the impossible world of what-ifs, lingering on an image of herself hitherto unimaginable. What would she have done? Who would she be today? Someone’s mother? Someone’s wife?
A shudder raced up her spine. Everything she worked for, strived for, and currently stood on the verge of attaining would have been at risk—if not entirely lost—had her life taken a different turn. Not that one was right and the other wrong, she reminded herself. Just different.
She’d leave the judging to a higher power.
“Give it time,” Sam said quietly. “Things will work out for the best,” she added, though not entirely sure she believed it. But with no choice, she let go and gently closed the lid on her doubts.
Chapter Thirty-Two
With Jess gone, Sam wanted only one thing. She wanted to be with Vic. More, she
needed
to be with Vic and invited him over for dinner. She wanted his touch, his nearness. She needed his affection, his embrace—his
love
even—and finally it was hers. Together in her bedroom, the meal long forgotten, the blinds pulled open to allow the sultry night in, Sam slid her arms around his neck. Outside the moon sat high in the sky, its light spilling onto the bay in a sheet of white while inside the silvery light cast her linens in a velvety glow.