Authors: Suzan Battah
“Taking everything? What are you talking about?”
“Taking my love.” He glared at her. “Wasn’t that what the other night was about? I heard you say it, Julia! I heard you whisper by my ear you love me. But instead, you’re just like all the rest of them.”
Her face flushed with hot
color
. The accusation fell with a loud thump in the thick steamy air around them. “What was that supposed to mean?” she murmured quietly.
“You know what it means, Julia. You’re not stupid.” When he turned away, she grabbed his arm, making him stop so he could explain.
“Enlighten me. What are you implying? That I’m having a relationship with you just for sex?” Her voice rose when she spelled out clearly what he was thinking.
Chris wouldn’t look at her at all, and she wondered if it was true, that he actually believed that she had used him for sex. That felt
worst
than anything. She took a step back.
But Chris wasn’t done yet. “You didn’t try, full stop. Forget the sex, you held back from me. I can see it now, playing me for a fool. Yeah, Chris, I’ll do it your way. Just so you could get a good fuck!”
She tried to remain calm. Her lips trembled and she had to clench her fists to keep from lashing out at him, she wanted to slap him for hurting her. That wouldn’t make her feel any better. He tried to reach for her, but she couldn’t look at him.
“Get out!”
“Julia.” He tried again to embrace her.
She refused to let him hold her, comfort her. She swallowed the hot lump sitting in her throat. “Don’t.”
“I should never have said that, Julia. I was angry. I’m sorry. I don’t think that.”
“I never cheated you. I gave you everything I could.” Tears rushed down, no longer able to hold back the pain and hurt. “I’m sorry if I can’t be more in tune with your passion. I’m not like you, Chris. I do the best I can with what I have, and it’s not easy for me. My life is not on the same level… I can’t just be free with my emotions the way you are. When I gave my everything in the past, I got hurt. So don’t you tell me that I didn’t try, because that’s a lie and you know it. Things don’t get put on a silver platter for me, so excuse me if we’re a bit different. I warned you. You’re used to having whatever you want, whatever it takes. I’m not like that.”
They remained silent, conscious of the other’s intense emotions, sensing the high charge in the small living space. He rubbed his cheek. She cringed at what she had said, as the angry
color
slowly faded from his face.
“Different? What is the problem, I earn too much? What? I work hard to get to where I am, Julia. It isn’t all roses and sunshine on my end. There is so much that I do that I keep separate from my home life. I don’t bring it into our lives because it’s too stressful.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” she muttered. “I’m not criticizing your money.”
“You’d be a hypocrite if you did, when you’ve inherited your late husband’s wealth. So we’re equals when it comes to that. You’ve got it, I’ve got it – who cares.”
She whipped around to look at him, surprised. She had never spoken about Carlos’ estate being passed on to her.
“Yes, I know about that. Another secret you kept from me.”
Julia wouldn’t apologize for what she couldn’t tell him. He had to know that she didn’t lie to him, though.
More quietly he spoke, “You’re the first woman I’ve been with that’s backing away from commitment. All the others before you would have done anything to get me to propose.”
She felt cold, clammy, and she swallowed hard; the thought of Chris with another woman made her heart thump hard. “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I guess your other women seemed to love you more.”
“Damn it, Julia! What’s wrong with you?” He thumped his fist against his chest. “Missing the target a bit, honey, my heart is right here. Thrust the knife a bit harder. That’ll kill me.”
Chris’ face darkened, he pointed a finger at Julia. “You’re afraid of being loved. You can’t admit it, but it’s the truth. We all fear being hurt and you’re doing a fine job of stabbing me in the heart.” He looked over at Julia as if she had ripped his heart out and stomped on it. He took a deep breath. “You’re not a quitter. Make your own choices, Julia, but don’t make my choices,” he accused hotly. “We don’t just give up when there’s a crisis.”
Julia wasn’t surprised by the anger and pain in his voice. She felt it tearing at her heart. But what could she do? Staying with him wasn’t fair.
“We moved too fast, too quickly. That’s why we fell apart,” she snapped abruptly. “You don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand? I’m the one who doesn’t understand? You are way off mark there. You still care. You might be trying to hide it, but I can tell.” He urgently took her hand, his thumb rubbing sensually against her finger.
“We can’t be together. It’s not right. We have to break it off. Otherwise if we stayed together, I’d be lying to you.” She could feel the angry heat of his gaze.
“Say you don’t love me.”
Julia recoiled from the force of his emotion. She felt close to breaking point, taking a few calm breaths.
The massive lump in her throat was making it hard for her to look at him. Her lip trembled, just the tiniest bit.
Julia couldn’t believe this was happening. He knew exactly what he wanted and she didn’t. “I’m sorry. I’m no good, I’m so sorry.” She started shaking, her body shivering as she attempted to take in some breaths. She loved him so much, but she couldn’t be what he wanted her to be.
Seeing her agitation, Chris took a step back. Quickly he went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water for her, offering her the cup. “Drink, relax.”
He waited patiently as she swallowed a few gulps and slowly calmed down.
“I think about Carlos still. That’s not fair on you.” She closed her eyes against the intense look on his face.
Chris cringed, turning away from her. His voice cracked with emotion when he asked, “You can’t let him go?”
She shook her head in denial of the obvious. “I don’t know. This feeling, it’s not right. There are times when you look at me and the love in your eyes makes me want to hide, as if I’m betraying his memory. It’s my fault. Carlos is still always there and I can’t just let him go. He’s not here, but he still is. It’s not fair on you or me.”
Chris went to stand by the window, looking out. He was shaking his head before lifting his eyes toward the ceiling. She could see the muscles in his back stretching beneath his shirt. She wanted to ease his hurt, but she knew all she was doing was increasing it.
He declared, “We can work through this, Julia. You’re leaving me without even a good enough reason. I know you love Carlos. It’s hard for you to let him go, I know. But you love me too. I am here, alive. You can’t deny you love me, even if you’ve never said it. I know it. Breaking up, you made the choice for both of us. It’s not even what you want. Now, give me one good reason why I should let you go? Say it, and it’s over.”
Julia threw her hands up in the air. He had spoken the truth all too clearly. He could read her so well, sometimes. Frustrated, she cried. “You’re free! I can’t be with you. Just leave, Chris.”
“What are you talking about?” He turned toward her, confused.
“Find someone else, Chris, because I’m not willing to let Carlos go. I can’t marry you.”
Chris, too stunned, didn’t immediately respond. He was watching her close before he said in a calm voice, “I heard you. Just tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away. Say the words and it’ll be over and done.”
“I… I…” She couldn’t say it. She did love him. That would never change. She turned her head and remained silent. No matter how much she hurt him, he knew she loved him and that was what kept him strong.
Chris headed for the door, his back tense and in an oddly calm voice, he declared into the silence, “We’re not over.”
The electrifying intensity enveloped her through the core of her body, radiating in the atmosphere surrounding her. It got darker somehow, yet the space remained pumping hot, thick, and smothering.
She hated herself for being so weak.
Chapter Twenty-Four
It only took a few days for the media to pick up on their break-up. Julia refused to answer any calls from the media. They soon got tired of no response and stopped pestering her, instead making up their own story from apparent sources close to them.
Outside of work, she rarely saw him over the next week. He was never around. She was too embarrassed to ask Ben what was going on with him. She cared too much, even apart from him. He hadn’t called her, messaged or tried to see her since that night. She was too confused. How did their lives turn into such a hurtful mess? He believed she didn’t love him. Or he was waiting for her to say it to him before he would believe it. She was in pain, hurting so bad she couldn’t speak to anyone about it.
“What did he do?” Boric came right out and asked her while preparing dinner.
“It’s not your business,” Julia snapped, hating being the brunt of everyone’s curiosity.
“Boric, shut up, she doesn’t have to explain.” Randy shook the strainer full of freshly washed lettuce.
“Oh yes she does!” Boric waved his newly manicured nails in the air in a dramatic display. “He treated you like a queen, baby. You don’t know how lucky you are. He loves you from his soul, not many people find that in this life.”
Julia burst straight out. “You think I don’t know that! He did nothing wrong, it was me. I told him to go because of me. I screwed up, it was my fault. There’s someone else and he knows that. Carlos will always be there. That’s not good for a relationship.”
Randy gave Boric a warning look, but there was no stopping Boric when he wanted to say something. Julia could see the intensity in Boric’s eyes, he was serious, no joking around. He was angry.
“So you ended it, just like that. Why hold on to Carlos, honey? He can’t give you what Chris can.”
“What are you talking about, Boric.”
“Life! I’m talking about life. Lovers, soul-mates live for each other. Carlos may love you from the grave, but you
dishonor
him by not living. Say goodbye, make your peace with God, and move on with Chris. Second chances don’t come along a third time.”
After speaking his mind, Boric sashayed away, slamming the front door behind him. Julia wiped at the tears that were now sliding down her cheeks.
“I’m trying.”
Randy scattered the lettuce leaves onto the chopping board. “I know you are.”
***
Julia did everything in her power the next day to make sure she needed to get to the Augustine. She sent her office into complete chaos. But before she could manage to find a valid reason, an unexpected phone call interrupted her thoughts.
“Chris?”
“He’s gone, Julia. He’s gone.”
The sorrow in his voice tore at her heart. “Is it Dylan? What’s wrong, tell me?”
“My father passed away.”
“Chris, baby, I’m so sorry.” Her lips trembled as tears spilled down. She limped over to a chair, sitting down heavily. “Where are you, Chris, I’m coming to see you.”
“I’m at the airport, on my way to New York.”
“I’m so sorry, he’s at peace now. I’ll…”
She could hear the distress in his breathing. She tried to say something else, but he cut her off abruptly. “I just needed to tell you. I don’t expect anything from you. I’ve got to go.”
That Friday, Julia, supported by her brother Michael, flew to New York for the funeral of Ryan Augustine. They got lost on their way to the church, so were late for the beginning of the service. The church was so crowded. She had to take a seat at the back with Michael. It was a sad moment and Julia felt deeply for Chris’ loss. He looked truly shaken. She wanted to offer him comfort, as she understood the sorrow of grief all too deeply.
Later in the afternoon, a select number of family and friends were invited for a small gathering at the Augustine in Manhattan. Chris was nowhere in sight. Julia had desperately wanted to see him, but scanning the crowd of people, she had no luck. Then Ben spotted her and came over quickly.
“Julia,” he said, giving her a warm hug, his eyes red. “Thank you for coming. How is your knee?”
Julia held him close for a moment. “I’m okay, Ben… I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Ben ducked his head, his eyes softening as he thought of his father. “He was strong right up until the end.”
“I haven’t seen Chris. Is he around?”
With everyone wearing immaculate black, Julia thought Chris was immersed in the crowd. “He’s taken Dylan up for a rest. Go up, I’m sure he won’t mind. Regardless of what happened between you too, he needs you now. Please go see him.”
Julia felt a swish of relief as she headed up to Chris’ room. She held up her hand to knock on the door, stopped herself looking up at the ceiling and, taking a deep breath, she tapped on his door, hearing the low hum of the television inside. A few moments later, she could hear the approach of footsteps and the door opened wide. She gasped with the force of her emotion, taking a step back on her crutches.