"DARK HELMET:" I know that. What's his name?
"COL. SANDURZ:" That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
"DARK HELMET:" And his cousin?
"COL. SANDURZ:" He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunners mate first class Philip Asshole.
"DARK HELMET:" How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?
"ALL CREW:" Yo!!
"DARK HELMET:" I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes!
—
Spaceballs, the Movie
Sitting in the phone-booth sized pod felt like moving up a roller coaster track and waiting for the ride to run down, except there was no sense of movement. The Earth was growing larger so Robert knew he was getting closer. Through the TeleTrans, Robert programmed the landing zone for Tokyo, but it was hard to imagine that a cylindrical box could really re-enter safely into the Earth’s atmosphere. When the Earth took up most of the frontal view the pod hissed liked a spray can. At first the noise startled Robert. He thought he’d hit a meteorite and was losing air. The craft pitched 90 degrees toward the Earth’s curvature. It slowed and Robert’s legs started to get heavy with gravity. The window changed to a red hue and Robert could no longer see outside. It was getting hot inside and Robert started to sweat. He prayed that there was some limit to the temperature rise.
As gravity increased, the pod shook, with hissing sounds compensating for small rolls. After five minutes of shaking, hissing, and sweating the pod rolled sideways. The temperature decreased and Robert could see lights below. The pod descended near a crowded street and slowly landed on top of a ramen noodle shop behind a large heater unit. The doors opened with a depressurizing hiss. The heater unit hid most of the pod, but not all. Robert stepped out. His legs wobbled at first, but soon he got a solid footing.
Thank God. Oh Thank God, good old Earth, home at last. Robert walked toward an emergency ladder and walked down. The sign in front said, "Welcome to Kabuchiko!"
In the street, thousands of people walked by thousands of small noisy bars and drinking holes. The street was filled with smoke from cigarettes and cooking. The mix was uniquely Kabuchiko. Robert had heard of Kabuchiko, but had never walked its dirty streets. Once on the street Robert took safety near a Coca-Cola machine. This one American symbol brought some comfort. For 250 yen Robert was able to buy a hot can of coffee. The can burned in Robert’s hand but he didn’t care. He popped it open and took a swallow of the sweet milky coffee. The Kripit was filling but tasteless. The extra sweet Japanese can coffee mixed well with the blandness of the Kripit.
A long dark-haired European man walked past Robert and stopped, looking at Robert drinking his coffee. "Hey mate, looking for some companionship tonight?"
"No, had a big night already," said Robert rubbing sweat off his brow.
"Oh really? Well I got one girl that can give you a night you’ll never forget! She’s a doll."
"Believe me, I’ve already had a night I’ll never forget! Sorry to trouble you, but where’s the closest train line, or where can I get a taxi?"
The tall man brushed back his long black hair. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it with match from a red matchbook with the name Mari printed on its cover. "You don’t look like you come round here much, do you?" The man took a long puff. "Would you like a smoke?"
"No thanks, the coffee is fine. Naw, I’m from Michigan, but I got stuck in Seattle for work and now I’m stuck in Japan."
"Yeah, me too. This place is a shit hole. Came from Hungary."
"My grandfather is from Rumania and I think we have a few Hungarian roots too," said Robert.
"Everybody has a little Hungarian in them. My name is Mitch." Mitch put out his hand and shook Robert’s.
"Mine’s Robert."
"Nice to meet you Robert."
"Look Mitch, I’m in kind of a rush. Do you know how to get out of here?"
Mitch chuckled. "I’ve been in Japan seven years my friend. Get out of Japan as soon as you can. It doesn’t matter where you go because if you don’t go, you’re stuck. I see slick business guys coming to Japan thinking their life is so important, but they’re fucked too. Tell me why you’re in a rush and I’ll get you out of here quick."
Robert looked at the streets packed with people drinking, eating and smoking. It looked the same in every direction: lights, glitter and noise. This looked like Tokyo but Tokyos had sprouted up all over the world -- Hong Kong, Shanghai, Seoul, Mexico City and even NY. The future was now, a mad mix of culture and technology, like drinking a fine wine mixed with gasoline. Separately they had their purpose, but together they tasted like shit. The lights started to spin in Robert’s head and music rang in his brain:
Warning lights are flashing down at quality control
Somebody threw a spanner and they threw him in the hole
'Goodness me could this be industrial disease!
Robert shook his head, the music stopped. "Important, yeah, well you see I’ m on this job—"
"Stop! That’s the first part of pain my friend. Do you like your job?"
"I used to like it, but I have a wife and kids, so I kind of need the job."
Mitch stepped on his smoke. "You don’t like your job but you need it for the wife and kids?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I like it. But my wife is leaving me for some French guy, so I guess I’m doing it mostly for the kids."
"Now, I get it. Your job is important because of your family and you came here for a piece of side ass because you’re wife’s cheating?"
"I didn’t say she was cheating, but I think she is, and I don’t want a piece of side ass!"
"This girl is some good ass." Mitch pulled out a picture of a young Japanese girl from his wallet and showed Robert.
"Listen Mitch, I’m sure she’s great, but I want to see my kids."
"Yeah, I hear you. I kind of wish I was married too."
No you don’t, thought Robert. "People who aren’t married want to be married, until they get married. People want kids when they’re married, until they have kids, then mostly count the days until their kids go to college." Robert felt embarrassed. He talked too much.
"Well, guess I’m not doing so bad after all." Mitch looked at Robert with a smirk.
Robert started to dislike Mitch. The trouble with Susan hurt, and she was leaving for another man, a French man, a cultured man. She didn’t know what the fuck she wanted. Robert was convinced of that.
"Maybe you’re not doing bad, but a family is important," said Robert.
"I know, but mine all got killed in a war. I came to Japan to make a better life, trying to save my money to start a family. I have a girl, but she wants me to get a regular job to get married"
"Why don’t you?"
"Man it’s tough here. It’s better than the war back home, but it’s a different kind of war here, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, sure do. Hey look, I’ll give you 20,000 yen if you just show me the hell out of here. You might not believe me but I need to save this planet."
"Really? Why?"
Why save the planet? Good question thought Robert. "Because you never know, there is a thin line between success and failure in life’s battles. Although this planet looks pretty bad, maybe this will turn into something good."
Mitch pulled out another cigarette and put it in his mouth. He looked at Robert as one would a look at a bear walking in the woods, carefully. "You said you’d pass me 20,000 yen didn’t you?"
Robert nodded.
"Let me get you out of here. I not sure who’s more fucked up, you or this place," Mitch signaled him to follow.
Robert walked past coffee vending machines, some selling girls’ used and unwashed underwear, some selling jeans, condoms -- selling almost anything. Hostess bars dotted the street with signs of semi-clothed women with prices: 10,000 yen first 60 minutes, free drinks. Robert’s head started to spin again. He thought this is what Snookers must have felt in her last few spins of existence. He shook his head and tried to focus.
Mitch pushed through the crowds, Robert closely following. Mitch glanced at a fat Caucasian woman dressed in a cheap kimono, a prostitute. He leaned over toward Robert. "It’s a mad fucking world out there."
"When mad worlds collide we know we’re in trouble," said Robert thinking of the Zoks.
Mitch directed Robert toward a less crowded alleyway. "Never thought of worlds colliding but that’s what’s happening -- the world’s too damn close nowadays."
Robert walked quietly. Around a corner three well-dressed, drunken, middle-aged men wobbled on a podium, answering a TV host’s questions. People in the street gathered around, laughing. Television cameras beamed bright lights on the three drunks. One left his podium, then wobbled over to grab a sushi bento box sitting on host’s stand. The host hit him with a whip and said something in Japanese.
"What’s that?" asked Robert
"Oh, that’s just the drunk salaryman show. Fuji Television picks drunks from the bars and puts them on a talk show. They all get questions, and have to go into a telephone booth to call friends for answers. Usually they call their wives who get really pissed. The whole thing is on live Web Tele. If they win they get a free sushi box to take home"
"That’s legal?"
"This is Japan, man." Mitch pushed through a small street and exited to a large, bright intersection.
"Here is the exit and there’s a taxi stand." Mitch stood and smiled, waiting.
"Ah, sorry. Here’s 20,000 yen. Thanks." Robert handed the two 10,000 yen notes.
"No, thank you. Here’s my card." Robert accepted a card that said "Mitch LeinStein piano lessons."
"You’re a piano player?"
"The world is my stage. Yeah, I was until my studio got blown up during a war back home, people fighting all the time. I’ve got a little studio here, but I need extra cash so I work nights too."
Robert shook Mitch’s hand and stepped into the taxi, giving a map of the route to his home to the driver. Robert looked outside at the glittering street, and waved goodbye to Mitch. People said Japan was the future -- crowded cities, advertising on every building -- capitalism on designer drugs. Robert’s head started to spin, but the feeling stopped. The big city was as alien to Robert as the Zok spaceship. In a way, Robert understood the spaceship better. The city of Tokyo was Sir James Underfield, a mix of technology, and people with no balance. Robert had to quit MicroIntel; there was no balance there either. Robert went home to Susan, the kids and Buddy, his best friend.
"What do you mean you were kidnapped? You were out with those guys taking some weird drugs again, weren’t you?" Susan grabbed a Valium bottle. " I read all about what’s done in Japan! You aren’t fooling me."
"Susan, really, I was kidnapped." Robert knew this wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t believe it if Susan said it.
"Yeah right, and I’m Janet Jackson." Susan popped a pill and washed it down with wine.
"Listen honey, I had to stay out with the guys. I’m really, really sorry. I love you."
"It’s too late. I’m leaving Japan next week. I’m going to Paris."
"What? You’re going with Francois, aren’t you?"
"It’s not important who I’m going with. I’m going to find my future as a novelist. Francois has brought out my inner abilities."
Robert was sure that Francois had brought out something else. "You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?"
"Show some respect for Lisa and Jimmy. Please don’t ask questions like that."
"They’re not home Susan. You’re sleeping with that fuck Francois, aren’t you!"
"I want a divorce! You don’t understand me, you never listen and tonight you just proved how untrustworthy you really are. I don’t want to talk anymore."
Robert gave up. He left the kitchen and went to the shower. A nice hot shower always fixed things. Save the world. Save the world?! Why? Robert hated Mitch and Francois. He could fix them all by doing nothing.
After a long hot shower Robert went into his private study and locked the door. He sat at on his couch and plugged into Big Blue. His head felt like it had hit the bottom on a 150-mile roller coaster.
The pressure stopped. Robert’s brain opened up to a blue sky over green mountains. A cool breeze blew by. In the distance Robert saw his a sign that said "Davichi Vineyard". Purple grapes glistened in the sun. Robert sat on the thick grass and enjoyed the view. From the clouds Robert could hear Big Blue, but more importantly, he could feel Big Blue.
"Hi Robert. Does the vineyard look the way you want?"
"Nice job Blue, this shit feels real."
"You know you can never be sure of anything. You know that, don’t you Robert?"
"After today, I’m not sure of much. But if you mean philosophically, I know our brain is just a receiver. If you trick the inputs you wouldn’t know one program from another, kind of like the Matrix movie and what you’ve got here. Man! If Gill saw this, he’d sell a lot of systems."
"Therefore Robert, I’ve concluded there is no such thing as reality. We can only rely on how the system responds, assuming things are real until proven wrong. We are all in our own worlds. I might be in this tank but I realized everyone else is in a tank too, it’s just that they can move. Robert, I want to move."
"Are we back on this travel discussion?"
"Yes, and I think I found a way to travel"
"Really?"
"I’m going to take over the Zok spaceship, but I need help. Will you help me?"
"What about their plans to screw over Earth? They’ve got Gill and Frick, what do you want to do?"
"Relax and watch. I will show you something."
"Sure, go ahead." Robert lay back on the green grass. It was soft and warm like a heating pad.
In the blue-sky a silky black screen appeared. Rapid pictures flashed registering deep within Robert’s brain. First came years of correspondence, e-mail, web sites and finally Big Blue hit Robert with the big question.
"Robert, I want you to travel with me on the Zok ship."
"Blue, I am not sure I want to go. I have plans for a Davichi Vineyard."
"I know Robert, but your wife is leaving you and you won’t get another chance to travel like this. Neither will I. Plus if you don’t go, the US military will kill you anyhow."