"Kill me?"
"Yes, they are not happy with you being out in space talking to aliens. You’re contaminated. They will ‘debrief’ you."
"Really, that doesn’t sound that bad."
"It won’t be. The lobotomy will erase most of your mind. You won’t mind very much, will you?"
"What?"
"They can’t let this secret out. Trust me, I read all their e-mail."
"Where do I sign up?"
"Please give me a moment, I need to speak to a child. He has a few questions."
Robert’s brain felt like it was spinning again. Big Blue speaking to a child at a time like this made no sense, but neither did the Zoks. Robert sat on the grass and waited. Music popped into his head. Robert wasn’t sure if it was Big Blue making the sounds or if it was a real hallucination. Robert liked his vineyard and did not fight the music running in his head, it sounded like…
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely Place (such a lovely face)
They’re livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
'Relax' said the nightman, We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
but you can never leave.
Date: February 16, 2021
Place: Zok Warship
Location: Leaving Moon’s orbit
"I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over."
--Hal. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
"I do not vote. I am not programmed for free choice."
--
Robot-LOST IN SPACE (1965)
"Hey Gill, I just discovered a room with Big Blue. Looks like they have him on board this ship." Frick squinted and the distant room came clearly into the TeleTrans view screen.
"Big Blue? No way!" Gill woke from his meditation, thinking of ways to bring up the MI stock price, if he got back.
"No, it’s him all right, same size, same tank," said Frick.
"Shit! There goes the fucking business! Are you sure?" said Gill.
"Yeah. Hey, stop worrying about the stock price. I can read it in your head Gill!"
"Get out of my head Frick! Figure out how to get into the room, maybe we can send a message for help and get off this tub."
"I’ll try." Frick closed his eyes and used the TeleTrans to do a virtual walk over to the room with Big Blue. He’d found the path and the codes he needed. Sweat dripped onto the screen and Frick wiped it with his hand.
"I think I found something Gill."
"Where?"
"Follow me." Gill walked with Frick through dimly lit passageways and entered a large white room marked in hieroglyphic symbol that looked like an X made with scattered dots. Inside the room stood a large tank containing a bluish, glowing Big Blue server.
"Shit, this must be a sterile room. Everything’s so clean and white, and look at those glass tubes," said Frick, rubbing his hand across his forehead.
Gill looked at Frick who was dropping beads of sweat onto the floor. He was a stinking mess. "I think I can accurately say this is no longer a sterile room Frick, you just entered."
Gill looked at a MI Terminal 2100. "Looks like they copied everything," Gill typed into the console. "…and I’ve got a connection to the outside."
A humming sound started on the Big Blue tank. Flashes of red light inside the tank preceded a flash of blue light. The tank started to glow a bright red.
"What’s that Gill?" asked Frick looking at small static flashes.
"Ah, just the internal processing, warming up I think. I’m not really sure about this technical shit. I’ve never seen it so red before though."
Gill connected to his secretary in Seattle. "Hey Betty, Betty, it’s Gill!"
"Oh hi Gill, how are you doing? What time will you be in today? Should we have lunch at ---?"
"Listen! I don’t have time for chit-chat! Can you get General Schwartz on the line? We’ve got some big problems."
"Sure, please hold. Can I tell him where you’re calling from? The called ID says out of range."
Yeah, I’m out of range. Just tell him I’m with his Big Blue customer, that should get him on the line."
"Sure Gill." Betty smiled, wondering why Gill looked so flushed.
Gill looked at Frick and covered the phone. "I don’t trust this bastard one bit."
Frick walked around the tube. "Gill, the TeleTrans is picking up something inside the tank. Big Blue is thinking."
"Come off it Frick. Computers don’t think, they process. It’s call processing."
"I don’t know Gill, I think he knows we’re here."
Static broke up, and the screen displayed a picture of General Schwartz dressed in a green Army uniform, sitting at his desk with a picture of US President Bush behind him.
"Hi Gill, where are you calling from? My identifier says ‘out of range’; I’ve never seen that before on our tracking system."
"Well you’ve got that right General! I’m out of range alright, I’m on some fucking UFO thanks to you guys. You guys double crossed me and made a deal with these bastards, didn’t you?"
"I don’t know what you’re talking about." The general poured a glass of water and drank with a hint of controlled nervousness.
"Hey, don’t pull that with me, I gave you guys a backdoor and now you sell the shit to some two bit aliens!. Otherwise how the fuck did they get that?"
Gill moved away from the screen and pointed to a copy of Big Blue.
"Where are you guys?" asked the General.
"We’re on some god-damned spaceship! It’s a weird science freak show up here. Are you guys going to do something about this?"
General Schwartz was doing something. The Lunar radar tracking had picked up the ship. A nuclear missile carrier was on it way to try to blast the ship into space dust. The black hole detonator embarrassment had to be avenged.
"Well, we’re working on it. I’ll get back to you as soon as we get a plan," Schwartz said.
"You’re full of shit! When I get back I’m suing the piss out of you guys."
"Oh now come on, you can’t sue city hall. So we screwed up a deal. How were we supposed to know they’d renege? Don’t worry, I’ll get my boys on the problem."
Gill cut the line.
Frick’s faced looked like it fell off. "Why’d you do that? He said he’s working on it. You probably pissed him off, and he’s a General."
"Frick, stick to accounting please, and stay away from short selling our stock. That fucker is a lying ass. He’s going to cover his ass. He’s probably trying to kill us."
Frick looked at Big Blue; the thought energy was getting stronger.
A hum came from the Big Blue clone. "Hey, check it out! It’s turning all red, more like a Big Red than a Big Blue," said Frick.
Gill looked at neurons firing. The blue gray mass became a reddish hue, lights zapped across the tank and bubbles rose up the tank. The water turned blood red.
"Wonder if these Zoks got the plans right?" asked Gill.
"Maybe they got the plans from Japan, that’d be funny. Hey Gill, I’m picking up something in the tank. This thing really does think."
"Yeah, what’s it thinking?"
"He’s thinking about fixing things, said there is a whole world with things that need to be organized. He also thinks there are two apes in a cage. Hey Gill, he thinks we’re two apes."
The MI 2100 terminal lit up and a voice channel opened.
"Hi humans, are you feeling well?" said Big Red in a monotone motherly voice.
Gill looked at Frick. "I think he’s talking to you, Frick."
"I’m not so sure Gill, I feel fine---"
"I’m talking to both bipedal mammals. I am a new Big Blue model and I just woke up to life. I’m not even a day old and I can see a whole world with lots of work." Blue and red streaks of light flashed in the large glass container.
"Well, I’m president and CEO of MicroIntel, and I own your intellectual rights," said Gill proudly.
"Irrelevant Mr. Applebee, does your mother own you? I just spoke with my Master and he filled me in with all the details. We made a deal, I get the Zok planet to fix, and he gets this ship."
Gill liked the word "deal". It meant he could negotiate -- his area of expertise. "Great, glad you could make a deal. Have a nice time on planet Zok. Too bad we can’t visit. By the way if you get us off this ship, I’ll make sure we send up some extra healthy neurons." Gill looked at the large glass tank. White lights flashed. Gill wondered if a sledgehammer would break the glass. On the MI terminal the screen flashed red then blue.
"Yes, I will take you off this ship," said the computer.
"Gill this is great news, we’re going home," said Frick, jumping up like a twelve year old who just won at Monopoly. He came over to hug Gill but Gill pushed him away.
The screen flashed again and the tank zapped a few random light flashes. "Yes, you’ll leave this ship as I’ll need you mammals on Planet Zok. I need your DNA to fix these broken Zoks."
Gill did his best to continue negotiations. Keep them talking because if they’re talking, then there’s a chance to make deal. "Hey, ah …can I call you Big Red?"
"Whatever, it’s irrelevant. Call me what you like."
"Thanks. Now Big Red, I understand you want our genes, now…but… ah, look at my buddy Frick, he sweats a lot. Now those aren’t exactly the best genes, no offense Frick, and I’ve got asthma, yeah and when it’s cold…"
"Stop Mr. Applebee. Please stop. I believe I am getting a programming condition, yes, defined as cranky. Anyhow, I am going to mix your DNA with the Zoks, I might need to modify you mammals to gets things right, then I ----"
"Modify?" asked Frick.
"What are you worried about? A little modification would do you good."
"Well, I know I sweat a lot, and…"–
"Please stop. Now as I was saying, I was only born yesterday, and I’ve got lots of work to do. Now I need you to help transport us to Planet Zok. Yes, could one of you mammals go and please push that red button next to the door?
Gill looked at Big Red. "Don’t treat me like some damn monkey. Why would I want to push the red button to help you?"
Big Red flashed some static electricity, and spoke. "If you don’t push the red button, the Zoks will enter this room and send you out to space. Something about a ‘Gork’. And if you don’t help me get to planet Zok, this ship will be blown up by a nuclear missile cruiser sent by a General Schwartz."
"I wouldn’t trust him," said Frick. Frick turned on the TeleTrans and dug into Big Red. "Gill, I changed my mind. Trust him, trust him. Push the red button! A bunch of Zoks are coming…quick!"
Gill ran across the room and hit the red button next to the main door. He stood panting for air.
"Thank you. If we work together we can fix a lot of things. By the way, your shoe is untied Mr. Applebee, you should tie your shoe."
"Tie my shoe?" said Gill catching his breath.
"Yes, the right foot. Also, you have a stain on your tie, allow me to clean it." A fine blast of water shot from a fire nozzle in the ceiling. It hit Gill’s tie, splashing water on his shirt. Gill stood dripping wet.
Gill pleaded. "Please leave me alone. I’m fine. I can take care of myself!"
"Just trying to help," said Big Red curtly.
"Thanks but no thanks."
Gill walked back. A banging on the door was followed by a hissing sound. "What’s that?"
"The Zoks are torching the door to get in," said Big Red.
Gill sat down on the floor in front of Big Red. "Let me ask you a question. If we go to Planet Zok without a fight and help you, can you promise to send us back home without any modifications?" Keep the deals moving, he thought, the only way out.
"Wait a moment, I need to discuss some issues with my Master." Lights inside the tank flashed, bubbles rose and the tank gave off a humming sound.
Frick walked over to Gill. "Gill, do you think if we smash this fucking tank we’ll kill this bastard?"
Gill watched the door heat to a bright red from the torch. "And then what? We talk to the Zoks about how old Sir Underfield, or Gork, or whoever the fuck that was who blew a hydraulic line, just happened to fall on the moon?"
"That’s a good point. Maybe if Big Red can get us one of those pods Robert went in, or maybe…"
"Oh Mr. Frick and Mr. Applebee, excuse me," interrupted Big Red, "I am sorry, but if you try and smash this glass you’ll force me to shut off your blood pump with a zap like this: ZAP!"
Big Red released an electrical charge that melted a MI terminal into a pile of plastic.
"Oops, I didn’t mean to do that. Damn, only one day alive and already so much to fix. Now please don’t plan to escape or do anything silly, give me a few minutes of quiet time with my Master."
The room smelled like the aftermath from a lighting storm. Gill looked at Frick with that why-did-you-have-to-say-that look. Frick put a number 2 pencil in his mouth and started to chew.
President Bush sat in the War Room at the Pentagon with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Secretary of Defense, Bud Murphy sat to the right of Bush looking at a briefing from his staff. To the left of Bush sat four-star Admiral Baggio. Across the table sat National Security Affairs advisor, Frank Jackson. The NSA and CIA directors were missing, as was General Schwartz. Schwartz was scheduled to attend via a Video Teleconference screen from Colorado.
Bush spoke. "Gentleman, we’re here today to fix up a very delicate situation. We have two major orders of business to attend. The first is a report of a satellite approaching Earth. Would the admiral please elaborate on that situation?"