Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (14 page)

Similarly, if you hold on to a story that men don't find you attractive, you'll miss noticing subtle romantic advances or displays of interest from men. While out with friends, you may be talking with a man and be completely unaware that he's interested in dating you because it's counter to your "I'm so unattractive" story. Let's take a look at how one woman's story instantly destroyed her irresistibility.

Ronnie is forty-two and single. He has a fiery personality, a strong athletic body, tan skin, and deep, dark eyes. One evening at a swanky lounge in downtown NYC, he met Sheila, a stunning brunette with dark eyes and a killer body—what many would consider a perfect 10. Sheila and Ronnie hit it off immediately. They danced and felt an undeniable attraction for one another. After about twenty minutes of casual flirting and fun, Ronnie glanced at his watch and realized it was much later than he had thought. He needed to get back to Brooklyn to walk his dog.

Disappointed, Ronnie told Sheila he had to leave but he'd love to see her again. To his delight, she, too, lived in Brooklyn and offered to join him on the late-night dog walk. Ronnie was ecstatic. This beautiful woman he had just met was actually going home with him to walk his dog!

Ronnie and Sheila closed out their tab at the bar and jumped in a taxi. Ronnie was psyched. "She's so great," he thought. "Sweet, gorgeous, lives nearby, and likes dogs." He had been single for a while and was excited at the possibility of a new relationship. What happened next was shocking.

During their cab ride to Ronnie's place, Sheila began to tell him her story. From her troubled childhood to her laundry list of not-so-nice ex-boyfriends, Sheila systematically told Ronnie every sordid detail from her past in hopes of creating an instant, personal connection with him. Between horror stories, she managed to squeeze in how unattractive
she felt and repeatedly solicited Ronnie's opinion of how she looked.

Ronnie, initially overjoyed about "a perfect 10" coming home with him was now scrambling to figure out how to get as far away from her as possible. He couldn't believe that such a beautiful woman could become so downright nauseating in a matter of minutes. Things got worse. As soon as they arrived at Ronnie's apartment, Sheila insinuated that she wanted to have sex. Ronnie felt bad and uncomfortable. He was so turned off by her stories that he turned her down and politely asked her to leave.

"It was unbelievable," he said. "This absolutely stunning woman became the biggest turnoff I'd ever seen in a matter of minutes. I had
zero
interest in having sex or ever seeing her again because of how much baggage she has."

Bottom line? Unleash your irresistibility by dropping your story. That includes your history (ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, ex-childhood) as well as self-limiting ideas you tell yourself (you know—that you're not very attractive, you're not good enough, and so on).

If you're a chronic storyteller, practice letting that go and notice what's happening in your environment. Talk about the food, the decor, music, mutual friends, movies, or current events. Share what you're passionate about. Let men experience who you are now as opposed to your well-rehearsed story of your past. When you do talk about your past, do it from a place of self-awareness. Don't victimize yourself or recount tragic events as though they mean something (because they don't). Realize that every experience
you ever had has brought you to this moment and has served your own personal and spiritual evolution. The past is gone. Dead. Done. Your life is now. When you drop your story and allow yourself to simply be who you are right now, you instantly become more alive, more engaged, and—all together now—"more irresistible."

One important note: dropping your story does not mean you can't talk about the past. Just become aware of how you do it. Don't complain, whine, or victimize yourself. Express who you are in a way that is free from drama and blame.

Irresistible Action Challenge

What's your story? List the ideas, beliefs, and theories you have put together over time that, up until reading this chapter, you believed to be true.

Now take a look. Is it possible you've been telling yourself a tall tale? How about stories like Sheila's? Do you have a set of past grievances you trot out to prove how much you've overcome or how hard you've had it in hopes of creating intimacy or admiration from a man? How irresistible would you be if you left the past alone? How much more authentic and grounded would you feel? Without your story, how much easier will you make it for a man to really, genuinely want you?

Copyright © 2008 by Marie Forleo. Click here for terms of use
.

What you are aware of you are in control of;
what you are not aware of is in control of you.

—
Anthony De Mello, Jesuit preist and author

Have you ever noticed how much time you waste complaining (either aloud or in the privacy of your thoughts) that either you're too busy or you don't know where to meet more men? Here's a big secret: you miss opportunities every single day to meet quality men and you don't even know it.

There's a law in physics that no two things can occupy the same space at the same time. In other words, either you can be complaining about your life and how you have no time to meet men or you can be living your life and meeting men. You cannot do both at the same time.

When you are consumed with the conversation in your mind about what's wrong in life, your irresistibility level takes a noticeable nosedive. It doesn't matter what you complain about: the weather, traffic, your job, a bad hair day, men, women, your parents, the president—any subject matter will do, and all have the same tragic effect.

Here's what happens. When you complain internally, you are lost in thought. When you're lost in thought, you miss what's happening in your environment. Rather than having your attention outward to see who's around and what's going on, you are preoccupied with your internal mental conversation (read: "complaint fest") and miss countless opportunities to meet men.

Energetically speaking, when you are lost in your thoughts, you are a closed system that's emitting "I'm not available" vibes. You reduce the probability of meeting someone because spiritually, you're not open for business.

Complaining, whether silently or aloud, is a major man repellant. When you complain, you are arguing with what
is; you're saying life is not how you think it should be. This victimizes you and creates stress and anxiety in your body. And that stress has a negative impact on your appearance: premature aging, a worsening of acne or psoriasis, and, my personal favorite, an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone that causes an increase in abdominal fat.

That being said, men are attracted to more than looks in a woman. They are attracted to the way you make them feel. Women who are complaint-free make men feel good because they themselves feel good.

Want to know the easiest way to meet more men? Quit complaining and start engaging. That's right. You can meet more men
everywhere
, starting today. It's your attitude that matters most. Rather than having a private pity party, practice redirecting your attention outward and start connecting with everyone in your environment, just for fun. It doesn't matter if they are men or women, young or old, married or single—simply start relating to people instead of being lost in your thoughts. Mail carriers, bankers, grocers, people behind the counter at Starbucks, fellow gym members, cops, teachers, and people in the crosswalk are all fair game.

Don't worry about what to say. A simple hello and a smile are all you need. Take the attention off yourself (and
your internal complaints), and redirect your irresistible energy out into the world. Make someone's day by smiling for no reason. Be of service. Kindly hold a door, offer a seat, or lend a hand. Silently bless people around you. You'll be shocked at what happens. You'll start meeting people all the time and feel dramatically more energetic and alive. Synchronistic events will happen more frequently. You'll be in tune with the universe and notice that life flows much more easily.

When you take the attention off yourself and your internal dialogue, people take notice. Casual encounters often turn into friendships, business connections, or even dates. You'll naturally become a better communicator and feel inexplicably more pleasant and relaxed.

Make it a habit to consistently engage with your environment rather than getting caught in an isolated mental loop of complaint. Keep bringing your attention back to what is happening right now, and you'll train yourself to be both expressive and alive—two qualities that are naturally irresistible. This is known as the art of full engagement. Full engagement means bringing your total presence—mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual energy—to whatever it is that you're doing. It doesn't matter if you're standing in line at the bank or hosting a dinner party; engage the fullness of your attention and intention. It means to live in the moment, not in your head. Think
participation
. Think being a "Yes!" Rather than wasting time lost in your thoughts, live your life with full-blown awareness and enthusiasm. When someone asks for a volunteer, raise your hand. When
music comes on, dance. When the dishes need to be done, wash them.

The secret to lasting irresistibility is to build a habit of being fully engaged, moment to moment, in everything you do. You can't pretend to be fully engaged as a manipulation to try to produce a date or meet more men. It has to be authentic. Practice for the simple joy and satisfaction that comes from being fully awake and enthusiastically involved in your life.

Being authentically irresistible is about being alive and engaged. The easiest way to do that is to stay out of your head and in your life. Talk with people regardless of their date-ability. Connect with everyone—animals, plants, old ladies, little babies. Share yourself. Be wherever you are with totality.

1. Do you often complain about things you have absolutely no control over, like the weather and traffic? Does it help?
   
2. Are you willing to look and see how much of your life is currently wasted on complaints? How many more men would you meet if you took your attention off your complaints and redirected it out in your environment?
   
3. What other kinds of relationships might you develop? Friendships, business contacts?
   

Irresistible Action Challenge

Become a complaint-free zone for a day. This game is a fun way to bring awareness to how much of your life you spend complaining. You can play by yourself or with friends. For one full day, don't complain about anything. That includes the weather, your body, men, work, coworkers, politics, or money. Anytime you catch yourself complaining mentally or out loud, just drop it.

Copyright © 2008 by Marie Forleo. Click here for terms of use
.

If you are waiting for anything in order to
live and love without holding back, you suffer.
Every moment is the most important moment
of your life.

—
David Deida, author

One of the biggest secrets to magnetizing men is to have, and keep, a full life. Not as a manipulation, but out of a genuine sense of self-worth and soul purpose. Here's what often happens when you start dating someone you really like. You are excited and feel the urge to see him all the time. Little by little, you find that you're
not spending as much time with your own friends or family or even at work. Going to the gym or participating in pastimes you would ordinarily enjoy play second fiddle to seeing your new man. In fact, your time together starts to revolve more and more around his interests than yours. For example, if he's a big sports fan, you'll find yourself spending increasingly more time in sports bars or at his friends' homes watching the games.

After a few short weeks, the relationship becomes the central focus of your life. At first it feels like a dream. But before long, you begin to notice some not-so-dreamy changes. Your friends have stopped calling (because you're never available), you've gained a little weight, and you don't feel as energetic or attractive. Work isn't as exciting as it used to be. Within a couple of months, you feel deadened and resentful, though you're not sure why. Sex isn't as great as it used to be. He's starting to act distant. Right before your eyes, this wonderful new relationship has somehow devolved into what is beginning to look like every other relationship you've had before.

Sound familiar? Many of us have found ourselves, within a few weeks or months of beginning a new relationship, feeling lost and confused, thinking, "What the heck just happened?" You lost yourself, woman, that's what happened. Instead of staying in your life and including your new relationship, you've made the fatal mistake of doing the pretzel dance and twisting yourself into who you think
he wants you to be in order to hold on to the relationship and keep him happy.

The pretzel dance approach never works. Altering your behavior or being someone different from who you are is a recipe for disaster. He is attracted to you—the real you—just the way you are, not to some woman who has no life except for him. Here are some more examples of doing the pretzel dance and not keeping your life: