Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (15 page)

Breaking plans with your girlfriends to be with him (especially if you lie to yourself or your girlfriends about it)

Getting to work late and/or leaving early

No longer working out because it's easier to stay in bed and cuddle

Quitting activities (classes, organizations, workshops) for which you have a passion

Dropping off the radar with family and friends

Failing to make time for anything else but him

Letting yourself go to pot

Remember, you are a unique individual. You have a purpose on this earth. Twisting yourself up like a pretzel to fit some idea of what you think he wants is not it. Trust me, I know how exciting and intoxicating it is when you meet someone you really like. You want to spend every waking moment with him. While I'm not suggesting you
suppress yourself, restrain your passion, or arbitrarily say no to spending time together, I am suggesting that you consider another possibility.

Try including your new romance into your already existing life. Expand your world. Don't shrink to fit his. Trust that when you spend time on your own without him, everything will be fine. (And if it's not, it's probably not the kind of relationship you want anyway.) Time apart between two mature and complete adults only fuels deeper conversations and hotter sexual passion.

The bottom line is that you can have a full life including a successful career, close friends and family,
and
a great relationship. In fact, that is the only way a good relationship will blossom into a magical one. But please understand that getting a life and keeping it is not the same as playing hard to get.

Many dating books over the years have encouraged the tactic of playing hard to get to manipulate men into being interested and attracted. This is dishonest (read:
big
turnoff) and reinforces the false idea that a relationship will somehow save or complete you. If you play hard to get, it may work for a while, but it will never produce the type of long-term, authentic, and satisfying love you really want. Sooner or later, things will start to shift. You'll begin to
pressure him, in one way or another, to spend more time with you. When he declines, you'll feel lonely and hurt and wonder what's wrong with the relationship.

Then you'll begin feeling jealous and insecure. You'll become analytical and spend much of your time scheming up ways to get him to prove how much he cares. He'll feel confused and turned off. Rightfully so, he'll wonder what happened to his "hard-to-get" gal who used to have a life. That's about the time he'll pull away, act distant, and give less and less of himself until it blows up into a big fight and you'll wonder why he's changed.

This is a new idea you might want to write down. Having your own life is authentically irresistible because it keeps you (and him) from losing yourselves in the relationship. If you imagine that people are like rechargeable batteries, having your own life keeps you fully charged. When you focus all your time and attention only on him, there's no possibility for you to get naturally recharged by life—by other friends, activities, adventures, nature, the universe. Your energy depletes; this is apparent in how you look and feel. You start pulling on him for all of your energy, and he feels exhausted and resentful. The conversations get dull. You begin to nitpick and nag. "What do you want to do?"
and "I don't care—whatever you want to do" is all you ever seem to say to each other.

When you devote all of your time, energy, and attention only to each other, it drains both of you and slowly erodes what could be an otherwise wonderful relationship. Having your own life is a natural way to keep yourself centered so you have more to contribute to your partner and the other important people in and aspects of your life.

Let's be honest. Success is sexy. When you live an inspired and energized life, men naturally find you irresistible because you
are
irresistible. Invest in your health, create community, make a difference, learn new skills, have fun, and share yourself with others. This is what will keep him wanting more, more, more.

Men are no different from women in this respect. They want to be with someone who is expressive, engaged, and active in life. They want a woman who can introduce them to new things and is both interested and interesting.

One way to get a life and keep it is to put energy into being an S&M (success and money) queen. I first heard this term in Karen Salmansohn's fabulous book
The 30-Day Plan to Whip Your Career into Submission
. Here's how to do it: be a star at work. I don't care if you flip burgers at McDonald's or run a Fortune 500 company. Do everything with totality
and excellence. Show up on time, all the time. Do what you say you will do. Contribute ideas. Take care of the people around you. Solve problems. Be an agent for change. Invest in being the best in your industry or the best in the world!

If you've been thinking about changing professions, that's even more reason to be a star at your current job. Operating with excellence now will get you back up to speed mentally and energetically so you can hit the ground running in your new position. It will also create good karma. When and if you finally do leave, your current employers will be happy to support you with a great reference and often leave an open door for additional work in the future.

If you're an entrepreneur, look at ways to enhance your business. Is there a new product or service you've wanted to offer? How can you create raving fans by making your customer service sparkle? How can you reach more people with your product or service? Can you impact thousands or even millions more?

Let's not forget the
M
in S&M. Getting a life and keeping it includes having strong financial health as well. This area is crucial because many women delay taking charge of their financial lives as they believe (or have been culturally conditioned to believe) that a man will come along and take care of it for them. This is a setup for disaster. You are an intelligent and capable woman. If you want to fully unleash your irresistibility, invest in your financial health now and don't stop once you get involved in a relationship.

If money management is a challenge for you, I highly recommend my favorite financial coach: David Bach. He is the bestselling author of many books, including
The Automatic Millionaire
,
Smart Women Finish Rich
, and
Smart Couples Finish Rich
. His advice is clear-cut and straightforward, and, most important, it works.

Remember, every relationship is an opportunity to either discover more of your individuality and expand as a human being or do the pretzel dance and twist yourself into a smaller version of you based on who you think your partner wants you to be. Despite what your mind tells you, your partner is attracted to the real you—the authentic you that he first met—not the twisted version you think he wants.