Making Marriage Work (14 page)

Verse I says,
If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion
, [notice this next part]
such as is inspired by God’s love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal
.

If I don’t have love in me, I can’t give it to somebody else. That love is inspired by God’s love in and for us. That is why it’s impossible to love others until we know God loves us and puts love in us to give away.

Verse 2 says,
And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

If we don’t have love in us, we can’t give it to somebody else. That love is inspired by God’s love in and for us.

I have God’s love in me because I receive God’s love on a regular basis. I now have a reservoir of love in me that I can give out to other people because I receive love from God all the time. I hope you understand when I say, “I like myself.” Someone once wrote an unkind article about me, pulled that statement out of one of my tapes and used it to make me look like I was being selfish and self-centered. I don’t like myself in me, but I like myself in Christ. There’s a big difference in the two statements. I like the person that I am when I walk in God’s love for others.

Verse 3 says,
Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing.

The Amplified Bible
brings out truth that other versions don’t communicate in quite the same way. Verse 4 reads,
Love endures long
. … Love doesn’t write somebody off because they don’t straighten up right away.

Verses 4 and 5:

Love endures long and is patient and kind, love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, it is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. …

How would “please” and “thank you” sound in your home? Would heads turn to see who was asking? Good manners should be a normal part of our relationships.

“Honey, would you please bring me something to drink?”

“Thank you, sweetheart!”

“Would you please take out the trash?”

“I appreciate you.”

Many couples give out orders to each other and to their children without ever showing any appreciation. In fact, we often treat worst the people we ought to love the most. God is never rude or demanding, and we should love others the way He demonstrates love toward us.

The rest of verse 5 says:

… Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

If you have ever acted like an emotional bag lady or bag man, who carries your collection of favorite grudges around with you everywhere, I challenge you to unload your bag and leave it in the trash. If you have a habit of taking account of all the evil that’s ever been done to you, just be rid of it. Leave it behind you. When you look up from reading this book, don’t take those old memories with you. Leave them behind, and look at your spouse — all your family — and home through the eyes of God’s love: …
it [love] takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]
. Wow!

There are still times, although they are more infrequent, that I start allowing my feelings to be hurt. When this happens, God reminds me of that Scripture love
pays no attention to a suffered wrong
. I am able to respond the way the verses in I Corinthians 13 instruct us to do. Verses 6-8 continue:

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, it is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose all its value and be superseded by truth].

But love will never, ever, ever pass away. All things are temporal, except faith, hope, and love — these will remain. Verse 13 says the greatest of all is love. If only our love remains, shouldn’t we try to make larger deposits of it wherever we can? Our ability to love others is the only success that we will carry with us into eternity.

I want to be successful at loving God, and Dave, and you. Nothing else that I will ever do will be remembered. If love isn’t a part of my memoirs, there is nothing that will be worth remembering of my life here.

THEREFORE, SUBMIT YOURSELVES TO EACH OTHER

There is a sacrifice in marriage. The husband is to love his wife as
Christ loved the church
. The wife is to love and admire her husband, exceedingly.

That is not just any old, ordinary kind of love; it is the
agape
love that we just reviewed in the eight verses of 1 Corinthians 13. The Bible says that the husband is to honor his wife as the physically weaker vessel, defending that she is not physically able to do some of the things that men do. The Bible says a man should dwell with his wife with understanding. Women are not like men, and men usually don’t understand their wives, but God says to ask Him for wisdom, even concerning her.

Verse 4 says,
Love endures long and is patient and kind. … The New King James Version says, Love suffers long
. … We all need to suffer long, be long-suffering, with each other. Just the sound of the word “long-suffering” is strong. We don’t pay enough attention to the wording in this description of love. We are supposed to suffer lo-o-o-ong, and have understanding.

Some days a woman wakes up and decides to cry all day for no reason. Her husband needs to be especially long-suffering on that day. She wants her husband to understand and just tell her everything is going to he all right.

We women have hormones that go in all different directions. Some mornings I get up and one goes left, one goes right, and one stays in bed. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel that day but I just tell Dave, “Well, my hormones aren’t all doing what they’re supposed to do today, honey. So you are just going to have to be a little long-suffering today.” Love gives warnings when danger is near [author’s paraphrase].

First Corinthians 13:4 continues, …
love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy
. … It is a dangerous thing to be jealous of one another. When Dave and I were first married, I was used to jealousy. It was a natural part of every relationship I was ever in. Even trying to make your spouse jealous was part of the game. Dave was stable, born again, and a Spirit-filled man who wasn’t interested in playing silly games with me. He wanted us to have a good marriage.

One time I was trying to make him jealous and realized that he wasn’t at all concerned. Later, I said to him, “Well, you’re not even jealous of me!”

He said, “Joyce, if I have to worry about whether or not you are running off with somebody else, then really, to tell you the truth, you’re not worth having.” He said, “I’m not about to spend all my life worrying about what you are going to do with somebody else. If you don’t want me, then I’m not going to make you stay with me anyway.”

Jealousy is just like a disease. It causes suspicion and vain imaginations that are not true. If you entertain jealousy as part of your relationship, you are playing with a dangerous spirit. The devil will exaggerate your concerns and hide implications in innocent circumstances as he did in the following example.

One weekend, I went to the country to visit my grandmother. When I came back home, I saw an eyebrow pencil down in one of the cold air vents in the floor of our old apartment. Having already entertained suspicion and jealously, immediately I thought. He had a woman here this weekend! He had somebody here this weekend!

I bolted to find him and started “reading” him off my list of questions: “Who did you have here this weekend?”

Puzzled, he asked, “What?”

I said, “Who stayed here with you this weekend?”

He said, “My brother stayed here with me.” His little brother, Don, was about ten or twelve years old at that time. “Donny stayed here with me this weekend, Joyce. What is your problem?”

“Well, I don’t suppose Donny uses an eyebrow pencil, does he? I found this eyebrow pencil! Look! Just look! I found this thing down here in this floor grate.”

“I don’t know how the thing got there,” he said. “I’m telling you right now: I did not have a woman here!”

But my mind was convinced that he had, had a woman in that apartment while I was gone. I didn’t trust him, was jealous, and suffered constant torment for about a week until Dave asked his little brother, “When you were here, did you drop anything down the vent? Or did you have anything to do with the cold air vent?”

Donny quickly admitted, “Oh, yeah, I dropped some money down there, and I got down there to find it,” Then he added, “While I was looking for my money, I stirred up all kinds of stuff.”

That eyebrow pencil had been there probably for years hidden under all the dirt that gets collected in something like that. When he dropped his money down there and opened it up, he stirred up all that stuff. My imaginations were just that, vain deceptions and outright lies. Don’t be jealous of each other.

Rehearse the list of what love is, but don’t focus on what it isn’t.

Love endures long.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love is never envious nor jealous.

Love is not boastful or vainglorious.

Love is not haughty.

Love is not conceited, arrogant, and inflated with pride.

Love is not rude and unmannerly nor acts unbecomingly.

Love is not insistent on its own rights or its own way.

Love is not self-seeking.

Love is not touchy or fretful or resentful.

Love takes no account of the evil done.

Love pays no attention to a suffered wrong.

Love rejoices when right and truth prevail.

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes.

Love is ever ready to believe the best of every person.

Love’s hope is fadeless under all circumstances.

Love endures everything without weakening.

Love never fails.

Love never fades out.

Love never becomes obsolete.

Love abides forever.

Love is the greatest of all things.

Christ loved the church in all these ways when He was on earth. This means He loves you and me with that kind of love. He doesn’t love us selfishly. He demonstrated His love for us by dying on the cross. He loves us with our needs in mind. With this understanding, the following verse should have a deeper impact on how we should treat each other.

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

Ephesians 5:21

Husbands who want their wives to submit to their authority should have their wives’ interests in mind when they make decisions. Decisions made based on their own selfishness are not made in keeping with the way Christ would treat us. The approach of “You have to do what I want because that’s the wife’s position” was never found in the attitude of Jesus toward the people in the church.

Our decisions should always have the other spouse’s interests in mind. No marriage is going to be even a mediocre marriage without sacrifice. It is important to understand that true love gives of itself.

Sacrifice means you are not going to have your way all the time. This means both the husband and wife are called to love each other with unconditional agape love. There has to be sacrifice of selfish desires if couples are going to enjoy a triumphant marriage. Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

Husbands are to give themselves up for their wives, and wives are to return that love as unto Christ. She should be happy to do nice things for him when he comes home just as if the Lord had returned after a long day. The husband should embrace her and reassure her of her worth and value to him just as Christ reminded us that He died so that we might live.

SET YOUR MIND ON HAVING A GOOD MARRIAGE

Every day when I get up, I purpose to have a good marriage. I’m not going to accidentally have a good relationship with Dave. I love to do things for Dave. He is a difficult person to buy things for because he doesn’t really want anything. Dave’s basically a satisfied guy. He says, “I have you, honey. What more could I want?”

I say, “Well, I know that’s right. But it’s your birthday, and I want to do a little something for you.” Many times I have to pray and ask the Lord to give me a creative idea for a way that I can bless Dave.

Love listens to the other person and searches for clues on ways to serve, bless, and lift up that person.

Love listens to the other person and searches for clues on ways to serve, bless, and lift up that person. Listen to your spouse. Search out the needs of the one you love. God told me a long time ago, “If you will listen to people, they will all tell you what they want and what they need.”

It comes falling out of our mouths! Listen with the attitude that you are going to be a “need-meeter.”

9

I PROMISE TO LOVE YOU, BUT …

…
but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.

Philippians 3:13

Forgiveness is the core ingredient to every successful relationship. So many people carry exceptions to their offer of love. “I love you, but you really hurt my feelings yesterday.” Or “I love you, but I’m too tired, too busy, too distracted, too annoyed, too angry, too unhappy to be nice to you right now.”