Making Marriage Work (16 page)

“Why are you going this way?”

“Because it’s the way to the hardware store.”

“Well, which one are you going to?”

“I’m going to the one in South County.”

“What? That is a lot further away than the one in Lindbergh. Go to the one in Lindbergh!”

“It’s not further, Joyce. South County’s closer.”

“No, it’s not, Dave! Lindbergh is closer.”

“No, it’s not, Joyce.”

“Well, if I got in the other car and went to the one in Lindbergh, and you went to the one in South County, and we clocked the amount of time it took us to get to each one, I’d bet you that I’d get there before you did!”

What difference does it make? I have learned to let the man go where he wants! If he wants to drive all over St. Louis to get one nail, let him! God has shown me the many times I question Dave’s integrity on silly trivia like that. I don’t like it when Dave constantly challenges me over insignificant decisions I made, yet I was trifling with him over unimportant details.

“Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” “Why are you doing that?” “Why are you doing it that way?” “Now why did you say that?”

God has been telling me, “Joyce, be still. Just be quiet. If you are trying to make your husband feel significant, a good way to do it is to not question his integrity all the time.” It is an important lesson that can take some time to learn.

Dave and I had an outstanding argument about Henry Fonda that lasted for years. Dave had this little thing — he thought that every actor that came on television was Henry Fonda. We would be watching television and he would say, “Oh, that’s Henry Fonda.”

I’d say, “Dave, that isn’t Henry Fonda.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No-o-o, it’s not”

“Ye-e-es, it is.”

Once we’d started that conversation, we didn’t even pay attention to the rest of the movie. We would stay up half the night just to read the cast of characters so I could prove to him that the actor was not Henry Fonda. We went through that routine for a number of years! It was our favorite argument.

One night after I had been preaching a few years and had obtained a little “spiritual maturity,” the Lord stopped me just as I was ready to retaliate. God said to me, “What difference does it make if it’s Henry Fonda? Who cares?”

You see, God cares about families and how we get along together. If you have never stopped to listen to the voice of God, I encourage you to ask Him for His opinion the next time you are ready to repeat a behavior that never gets you anywhere. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives. He teaches and instructs us in the will of the Father. He is full of love and grace and will give us advice that will make our relationships rich with cohesive power. The Lord may tell you to be willing to be wrong, even if you are right.

Listening to and following the Holy Spirit’s advice will make your relationships rich with cohesive power.

Sometimes even now Dave will say, “Oh, that’s Henry Fonda.”

When he does, I say, “M-mm, could be! I never knew he looked like that. But, who knows, maybe he had a little plastic surgery.”

Far be it from me to say it isn’t good old Henry. I’m just glad to have some time to sit with Dave and watch one of those old good movies again! It’s amazing how much peace compliance affords you. Don’t inspire trifling, ill-informed, unedifying, stupid controversies over ignorant questions that start quarrels and breed strife.

If you want to have peace in your home, you have to be willing to sacrifice your pride.

DON’T TAKE OFFENSE

The third thing you have to be willing to sacrifice is touchiness — the ability to be easily offended.

I’ve had to learn not to let my feelings get hurt if Dave doesn’t want to do something for me. For example, when we go out to eat, after I say, “No, I don’t think I want one of those,” about a particular item on the menu, and Dave gets one, many times I want to eat it after all.

I’ll say, “Just let me have one bite — I just want one bite.”

I always get a small-sized frozen yogurt because it makes me feel as though I’m not overdoing it by eating too much. Dave usually gets the giant size, and as soon as I finish mine, I realize I can eat another small portion, only I want it out of his cup. For some reason, Dave doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like me eating his food.

When he stops at a drive-through, he will say, “Do you want a hamburger?”

“No, I don’t want one.”

“You’re sure you don’t want one?”

“No, really, I don’t want one.”

“Ok, you don’t want one?”

“No, I don’t want one.”

Then he gets his and, invariably, after I watch him and he is about halfway through. I decide I want some. I beg, “Well, could I just have one bite?” It’s really all I want. If I buy a whole hamburger for the one bite I want, we would have to either throw the rest away or Dave would be tempted to overeat by taking the rest of my sandwich. It seems perfectly logical to me that he should just share one bite with me. Besides, I had seen our friends who work with us, Roxane and Paul, lovingly share food when we were with them, so I couldn’t understand any harm in asking for one little bite.

Paul and Roxane have done many things for us. When our children were still at home, they took care of them when we were out of town. They help keep the ministry operating smoothly through all the things they have done for us. I have never seen any couple who is as sweet to each other as they are. Their relationship is tremendously anointed. Roxane shared with me that even when she was a little girl she would pray that God would give her a husband to submit to. She said, “I don’t even know how I knew to pray for this, but I had an intense desire to submit to a husband.” And Paul is a chivalrous husband who can’t stand to see a woman mistreated in any way.

Roxane is like me in that she doesn’t want to order much to eat, but when she sees Paul’s food she wants some of it. And Paul is really sweet about it. He just gives it to her. Paul does not seem to mind Roxane eating his food. Dave does not mind my eating his food most of the time, but there are times when he would rather that I just get what I want. We cannot expect our spouse to do what someone else’s does. Dave and Paul are two totally different people with varying desires and approaches to life. Dave does not like it at all when I compare him with some other man I think is treating their wife in a way I would like to be treated. He reminds me that he does not compare me to other women and would appreciate me not comparing him to other men.

I once made a disastrous mistake and asked Dave for the last bite of his hamburger. If there is anything that is hard for a man to sacrifice, it’s the last bite of his hamburger. It’s easier for him to give somebody the first bite because he still has so much of it left. But when he is down to the last bite, I didn’t realize before how much of a test it could be, especially for Dave.

Our exchange began as usual, with his offer, “I’m going to stop here and get a hamburger. Do you want a hamburger?”

“No, no, no. I don’t want anything.”

“Are you sure you don’t want anything? Let me get you one.”

I firmly said, “Dave, I don’t want a hamburger.”

He said, “I’ll eat what’s left.”

I said, “I do not want a hamburger.”

“O
K
.”

He bought a hamburger, and I waited and waited, trying my best not to ask for a bite of that hamburger. But he got down to the last bite, and I couldn’t stand it.

I asked, “Do you suppose I could have that last bite?”

He became upset with me. He huffed, “Why didn’t you let me get you a hamburger?! I will buy you all the hamburgers you want. Why do you only want to eat mine?!”

“It’s only one bite!” I defended. “You don’t have to be so selfish! Maybe you need to read Mark 8:34 and forget about yourself!”

He said, “All right! Here it is.”

I said, “Nope, I don’t want it! I wouldn’t eat that hamburger now! You couldn’t pay me to eat that bite of that hamburger!”

He said, “You eat this!”

I said, “I’m not eating it!”

He said, “You eat it!”

I said, “I will not!”

“Well, I’m not eating it, so you might as well.”

So I took it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed it up.

I was upset not only because Dave had hurt my feelings, but because I had compared the way he treated me to the way I saw Paul treat Roxane. I said, “Well, every time Roxane wants to eat Paul’s food, he just gives it to her with no problem! I ask you for one stinkin’ bite of your hamburger, and you throw a fit!” I was mad for about an hour after that last argument.

It takes a little while for the Holy Ghost to get through to us when we are enjoying our vengeance and self-pity as I was. But finally, I started feeling the presence of the Lord deep within me saying, “Joyce, you are acting ridiculous. The man told you he would buy you a whole sack of hamburgers if you want them.”

Dave had offered to buy me a hamburger even if I just wanted one bite of it. He had clearly asked me in advance not to ask for his. It doesn’t matter that sharing food doesn’t bother Paul. As I said, everyone is different, and it does bother Dave. The person to whom you are comparing your own husband probably has some faults your husband doesn’t have that would drive you crazy and be just as difficult to accept. What’s the sense in pushing something on your spouse if it bothers them? Just don’t do it.

FORGIVENESS RELEASES THE POWER TO HEAL

The fourth sacrifice in marriage is to give up bitterness, which leads to resentment and unforgiveness. Learn to quickly forgive others for the things they do that hurt your feelings and even for the way they behave. This is an area that people don’t often think about, but sometimes we have a hard time accepting differences in our personalities and need to simply forgive when their mannerisms seem brash or abrasive to our own way of doing things.

If you like to talk and your spouse enjoys solitude, you may need to forgive him. Dave and I talk to each other, but Dave doesn’t like to have nonsense conversation. When he and I were first married, I wanted to talk whether it made any sense or not.

Sometimes I would want him to just stay up all night and talk. I would begin, “Let’s talk. We don’t ever talk.”

He’d say, “What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. You start.”

He would sigh and say, “Joyce, what’s the sense in talking if you don’t have anything to say?”

“If we’d just start talking, we’d come up with something. Let’s try.”

Some people thrive on conversations of any kind. We just love to pick a topic and see what everyone else thinks about it. But Dave was wise and didn’t want any part of pointless conversation. I learned after twelve years that talking when you have nothing to say gets you in trouble.

But I didn’t know what Dave knew when we were first married, so I would get upset if he didn’t want to “just talk.” Whatever causes you to harbor unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness needs to be sacrificed on the altar of love and left behind you.

Marriages are not as good as they could be when people hold onto little things that have hurt or offended them. It is difficult to completely open yourself up after being hurt because you are afraid you will be hurt again. Nobody can promise that loving someone won’t hurt. In fact, you can’t love without being willing to be hurt. It’s not possible.

You can’t have real love if you are not going to operate in forgiveness. Love keeps giving the other person another chance. Love keeps trusting them over and over again, expecting them to do the right thing the next time. I realize there are big hurts and also little things we deal with daily. We need to let go of strife. Sometimes we may not even know what is agitating us, but we need to decide to let go of its irritating hold on us.

You can’t have real love without operating in forgiveness. Love keeps giving the other person another chance.

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what it was that caused you to feel bitterness or resentment. You may be surprised what He drags up for you, but when you see the truth, decide to let go of that grief in the Name of Jesus. Decide to forgive the person who didn’t respond to you in the way you needed to be treated.

It took me several days to completely get over the bite of the hamburger. That’s the truth! My feelings had been hurt because Dave didn’t want me to have that bite of his hamburger. Don’t trade your happiness for a bite of hamburger!

Forget what lies behind, and press on to what lies ahead.

10

LET’S COMMUNICATE!

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (goodwill, kindness, and what is due her as his wife), and likewise the wife to her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:3

Communication is more important than talk. We can say one thing but communicate something quite contrary to what we are saying though our facial expressions, body language, and actions. We can recognize the truth of these familiar expressions in support of this theory such as, “Talk is cheap,” and “Actions speak louder than words.” Couples need to be sensitive to what they communicate to each other through their actions.

It may seem strange to some people to realize that sex is a form of communication in marriage, but I venture to prove that sex is the highest level of communication between a husband and wife because it was designed by God to bring new life into the world. The Lord consistently compels us to choose life, and within the sexual union is the seed and the incubator for new life to continue in your relationship.

I also want to show that sex between a married couple should never be withheld from each other as an act of punishment for disagreements or wrongdoing. According to God’s Word, the only reason a married couple should not unite sexually is if they both agree to devote themselves to prayer.

It may seem strange to some people to realize that sex is a form of communication in marriage.

If a woman tells her husband she loves him, but is always too tired to give him intimate attention, she is communicating to him that he is not a priority in her life. Yet, most every woman will admit to feeling insecure and lonely if her husband is not attentive to her needs. Tiredness is not an acceptable excuse for withdrawing from each other.