Making Marriage Work (20 page)

A TIME TO SPEAK UP

Some people are such peace lovers that they will do anything to keep from causing a disturbance, even by allowing things to continue that they know God is telling them to confront. These individuals are like lambs who would rather resist any and all disputes. These lambs are so laid back and passive in their nature that the Holy Ghost has to prompt them to take a stand.

Then there are individuals who tear into confrontation with lion-like ferocity. These “lions” are the people who counter others in fleshly zeal, and woe be it if they decide to confront one of the timid lambs who are too shy or fear-based to defend themselves in danger. The lions actually stalk out their next victim of dissent.

Examine yourself to see if you are a lion or a lamb. If you generally don’t want to discuss things and you don’t want to deal with issues, then you are going to have to obediently speak up if God says to, whether you want to or not. If you automatically confront, then you will have to practice leaving things alone until God tells you if or when to pick them up again. Some people have to be pushed forward by the Holy Spirit, and then lion personalities, like me, have to be pulled backward.

Nearly half of the people in any given conference respond when I ask people to raise their hands if they are laid back individuals who would rather forget about problems than to deal with anything that might lead to an argument. The other half admit that they are more likely to jump right into the situation without a second thought. Of course, with half a room full of people who love confrontation and half a room full of those who despise it, many of them are married to each other.

Tragedy comes when one person always wants to confront and the other one is afraid of confrontation. Then the one who wants to talk all the time complains to the one who doesn’t, “You never talk to me.” The one who doesn’t talk thinks it is because the other one never shuts up! What we all need is balance and a commitment to be Spirit-led, not flesh-led.

Everyone needs to confront issues in their life and yet neither lions nor lambs emulate Christ’s example of making peace if they are out of balance. We are to be imitators of God as a light for unbelievers to see their way to the kingdom of God because they desire the life we live. One of the hardest characteristics of Jesus to imitate is His ability to be that lion-hearted Lamb. When confrontation was needed, Jesus always firmly followed through with love.

I want to have the humility that is manifested in Christ. We are to imitate His gentleness and meekness and still deal with certainty with whatever needs to be solved. As the leaders of a large ministry, we have to deal with conflicting situations all the time. I used to wish we could have at least one week where we didn’t have to deal with something. Dave and I finally understand that we will always have to deal with things, but we want to confront issues in a godly way.

Conflict is part of everyone’s life. How we deal with conflict is important. The more I have studied the Word, the more I have understood why Jesus is called the Lion of the tribe of Judah. It means that He had a strength that was characteristic to a lion that caused Him to deal with things in a majestic way, and yet He’s also called the Lamb of God.

The characteristics of the lion are totally different from those of the lamb, yet the Lord is recognized as having both qualities. Someone gave us a picture of a lion and a lamb lying down together, and it reminds me that I’m supposed to be a good, godly mixture of both qualities. I never had any trouble with the lion part, but I had a lot of trouble with the lamb part. When we need to communicate with someone, especially concerning confrontational issues, we should first pray for God’s grace and mercy to anoint us as lion-hearted lambs. Then we should wait until we have balance in our perspective and approach.

Hasty words spoken without giving any thought to them often cause tremendous trouble. Ecclesiastes 5:2 says,
Be not rash with your mouth, and let not your heart be hasty to utter a word before God
. … I believe we should not only be careful with our words to people, but also with our thoughts before God. There have been many times when I have thought out how I would handle a situation, and God has let me know that is not how He wants me to handle it. We should form a habit of asking the Lord what He would do before we do any speaking or planning about confrontation.

Hasty words spoken without giving any thought to them often cause tremendous trouble.

It is very easy to jump to conclusions, but Paul said in 1 Corinthians 4:5,
So do not make any hasty or premature judgments before the time when the Lord comes [again], for He will both bring to light the secret things that are [now hidden] in darkness and disclose and expose the [secret] aims (motives and purposes) of hearts. …
We should give God time to “come” into a situation with His wisdom and knowledge before we hastily make our own decisions. Only the Lord knows what is in a person’s heart, and He judges according to that, not only according to what He sees and hears. Abiding by these principles has helped me in a major way in my relationship with Dave and, I am sure, prevented countless arguments.

The Bible says,
Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour
(1 Peter 5:8). If we are not well balanced, our adversary, the devil, may find an opportunity to devour us.

Jesus demonstrated the balance between a lion and a lamb that we too need to emulate. In Revelation 5:5, Jesus is depicted as the Lion of Judah,
Then one of the elders [of the heavenly Sanhedrin] said to me, Stop weeping! See the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root, (Source) of David, has won (has overcome and conquered)! He can open the scroll and break its seven seals
.

Then in verse 6, the very next verse the Word refers to Jesus as the Lamb, saying,
And there between the throne and the four living creatures (ones, beings) and among the elders [of the heavenly Sanhedrin] I saw a Lamb standing, as though it had been slain, with seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God [the sevenfold Holy Spirit] Who have been sent [on duty far and wide] into all the earth
.

Throughout the New Testament, we see Jesus acting in two contrasting ways. He confronted the moneychangers in the temple, overthrowing their tables and firmly demonstrating God’s will to all those who watched Him.
He said to them, “The Scripture says, My house shall be called a house of prayer; but you have made it a den of robbers”
(Matthew 21:13). Yet in other places, we see Jesus standing falsely accused, without speaking one word in His own defense.

So what are we to learn from His communication patterns? He was a lion when He needed to be and yet always a lamb — He never sinned or failed to be excellent in speech. It’s a challenge not to defend yourself when someone comes against you. It’s difficult to ignore insults and shun retaliation.

Isaiah 53:7, says of Jesus,
He was oppressed, [yet when] He was afflicted, He was submissive and He opened not His mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so He opened not His mouth.

Sometimes I find that one of the hardest things God has asked us to do is to be Christ-like in our communication with others. When somebody is rude and tells you off, mistreats or insults you, it is hard to just stand there and look at them with godly love and just wait on God.

Thank God, He gives us the power to change and to become like Christ. I still feel the reaction of my old nature sometimes, but more and more I am learning self-control. The key to improvement is to learn to confront when God says to confront and to leave an issue alone when God says to leave it alone.

Learn to confront when God says to confront and to leave an issue alone when God says to leave it alone.

Our old nature reacts to conflict with:

“Let me straighten you out!”

“You are not going to treat me that way.”

“I don’t have to put up with that.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“Who do you think you’re talking to?”

Sometimes we even throw Scripture at them: “Touch not God’s anointed.” (1 Samuel 26:23.) But when Jesus was afflicted, He was submissive. God did not release Him to say anything, so He kept His mouth shut and took the blame for us.

Matthew 18:15 depicts that, “If your brother offends you, go to him privately and show him his fault.” Confrontation is not a public affair. Most of the time confrontation should be done privately.

Galatians 6, verses 1-5, explains how to approach confrontation through the love of God. Realizing that we have plenty of faults of our own, we are to be humble about the fact that we too can fall into the same faults that we want to criticize others for having. We are to be gentle in our approach with the purpose to build the other person’s understanding of God’s intense love for them, not to tear down his or her self-esteem. Read these verses while carefully giving thought to the way you have handled confrontations in the past or have planned to do so in the future.

Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.

Bear (endure, carry) one another’s burdens and troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and observe perfectly the law of Christ (the Messiah) and complete what is lacking [in your obedience to it].

For if any person thinks himself to be somebody [too important to condescend to shoulder another’s load] when he is nobody [of superiority except in his own estimation], he deceives and deludes and cheats himself.

But let every person carefully scrutinize and examine and test his own conduct and his own work. He can then have the personal satisfaction and joy of doing something commendable [in itself alone] without [resorting to] boastful comparison with his neighbor.

For every person will have to bear (be equal to understanding and calmly receive) his own [little] load [of oppressive faults].

Before confronting each other, we have learned to pray and wait for God to confirm the need and the timing. Then, a key to godly confrontation when we feel that we are to bring something to each other’s attention is to begin by saying, “Look, I know that I have plenty of faults myself. I know that I do plenty wrong myself. But this is something that I believe God wants me to share with you.” Humility and love express conflict in a totally different way than when we arrogantly stand before somebody with our list of everything that’s wrong with them.

12

YOU NEED WHAT?

… For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap. For he who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

Galatian 6:7,8

Everyone needs stability emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even verbally. We want to be assured that words spoken are sincere, that they will be followed through with action when needed. Words spoken are promises, and promises should not be broken. Our spouses need the same reassurance that we desire. The Spirit of God has promised to return to us whatever we sow in other people’s lives. The desire to be involved with stable people is fulfilled when we give to others what we expect them to give to us. A stable foundation in our life and surroundings gives us confidence to face the trials that come against us.

My husband has always been very stable; therefore, I always know I can count on him in times of difficulty to remain the same as he is in good times. His moods do not fluctuate — neither do his decisions or confession. I grew up in a very unstable environment, and Dave’s stability is part of what God has used to bring healing to my life. When we become like God in our actions toward others, then He can use us to bring to them healing and restoration. Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8); He is the Rock on which we firmly stand (see Psalm 62:1,2,5-7) — we should all strive for that same stability to manifest through us. Stability releases a sense of security, something everyone needs and desires, especially women.

We are encouraged by God’s Word to look for every occasion and opportunity to do good to all people (this includes our mates), not only by being useful and profitable to them, but also by doing what is for their spiritual good and advantage. We are to be especially mindful to those in the family of God with us. (Galatians 6:10.)

The sacrifice we are called to through marriage has a promise of great return attached to our obedience to it. For some reason women always enjoy hearing what the Bible says men are supposed to do for their wives. Likewise, men sit up straight and pay close attention when I talk to women about the way they should treat their husbands. But God’s Word validates that if we each continue doing right. He will reward us by a harvest of righteousness from all the seeds we planted first. So we should listen to what God tells us individually rather than pay so much attention to how our spouse is supposed to treat us.

One of the basic needs of women is security, while men instinctively need significance.

Bottom line, one of the basic needs of women is security, while men instinctively need significance. Both of these needs can be more readily fulfilled by their spouses than by themselves. A woman seeks security to know that her needs will be taken care of financially, physically, and through whatever surprises might come her way. One day, the electricity suddenly went out in one portion of our house. It makes me feel secure to know that Dave will take care of those things I would not know how to correct.