Making Marriage Work (8 page)

The next focus after our attention to God ought to be the goal to make each other happy. But most of the time we are trying to get them to make us happy. The Bible says if you give, you will receive.

Jesus came as a servant to those He loved. It’s a new twist to think, Oh, I’m supposed to make you happy? I thought you were supposed to make me happy. We have to change our thinking.

For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]
(v. 16). That’s pretty interesting, isn’t it? He said to,
… Keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit]
. … In other words, if we are controlled by the Spirit of God, we are going to always do what love would do, right?

So we are to keep a watch upon our spirit that it may be controlled by the Holy Spirit. If we let our flesh control us, we will deal faithlessly and treacherously with our mate. But if we will let the Holy Spirit control us, we will be surprised how many times we set out to do a certain thing then are quickened by the Holy Spirit to go another way. We must not shut off our ears to the way of God or we will take a selfish route that will lead to loneliness instead of union.

It is virtually impossible to have a good marriage and always get your own way Realizing that has helped me a lot. Learning to be adaptable, choosing not to make a big deal out of petty things, and being on my guard against selfish behavior on my part have all played a big part in bringing me to the point where I can truly say today: I have a great marriage!

5

COUNT TO TEN BEFORE YOU SPEAK

And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude].

And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:23,24

Children are sometimes taught to count to ten before they speak if they can’t think of something nice to say. That’s good advice, but it won’t help if the old resentment is still inside after reaching the number ten. As believers, we are to speak life into situations just as the Lord did, but the old, defensive nature too often blurts out its selfish viewpoint. Without help from the Holy Spirit it is difficult to control our tongue. Ephesians 5:18 tells us to be filled and stimulated with the Holy Spirit. To do this we are to ask the Holy Spirit to give us the power that we need to build godly marriages and relationships.

In earlier chapters, I pointed out that marriage is more than a legal institution that binds the property accumulated by two people to an equal right of ownership. Marriage is a promise of companionship and provision for the needs between two people. Marriage is symbolic of God’s promise and provision to us. Therefore, to keep the promise of marriage, we need to be full of God’s Spirit. We need to let God empower us with His faithfulness and selflessness so that we can attend to the needs of our spouses.

God will fill us with His Own nature. John the Baptist taught that after we are baptized with water, Jesus would come and baptize us with the Holy Ghost and with fire. (Matthew 3:6,11.) As I began studying the Word, I read about this baptism of the Holy Ghost, and because of my ever-increasing desire to have more of God in my life, I asked God for this experience.

Jesus said in Acts 1:5-8 that we would receive power, ability, efficiency, and might when the Holy Spirit comes upon us. This power would cause us to be a witness to Jesus. The book of Acts shows several occasions when the disciples had the power to do what seemed impossible when the Holy Spirit came upon them. When we believe in Christ, His Spirit comes to live in us, but the baptism of the Spirit comes upon us to empower us with the ability to live the Christian life and serve God according to His will.

Many couples try to have a Christian marriage by following the laws of God’s Word to generate love, but they need a “Spirit-filled” marriage where love generates the laws that operate between them. When we are filled with God’s Spirit, we have the power and strength to love the way He does.

When we are filled with God’s Spirit, we have the power and strength to love the way He does.

As I share in my book entitled
The Most Important Decision You’ll Ever Make
, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit in my car in February 1976, as a sovereign move of the Lord in my life. I had cried out to God asking for more of Him. I said, “God, there has to be more to Christianity than I am experiencing.” I wanted victory over my problems, and I did not have it. I had been a Christian for many years prior to this time, but my life was still full of frustration and unhappiness.

That same evening, Jesus baptized me in the Holy Spirit. I did not speak in tongues right away as the accounts in the book of Acts mention, primarily because I knew nothing about such things at that time. It probably would have frightened me since I had never had teaching on it, but I did receive much power, ability, determination, and understanding from that point on. During the next several weeks, God led me to radio programs and books where I learned more about the baptism in the Spirit.

Later, I learned that the gift of tongues is given to believers as a prayer language to communicate with God and to edify and improve oneself. If teaching about the baptism of the Holy Spirit is new to you, I encourage you to read the Scripture references that I added at the end of the book. You can read about the purpose of tongues in I Corinthians 14:1-4. If you are struggling with your life, your marriage, and you need power, ability, strength, and miracles in your life and have never asked God to baptize you with His Spirit, I encourage you to stop and pray now. I include information on how to do this in the appendix of this book.

If you have received your prayer language, then praying in the Spirit is much more effective than counting to ten before you speak. But if you will at least ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right words when expressing your heart to your spouse, you will see His power begin to make positive changes in your marriage. He will give you wisdom on how to deal with the conflicts that threaten your unity, and show you ways to build up your love for each other.

If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given to him.

James 1:5

We don’t have to try to make our marriages successful on our own. God promises to help us, and we should go to Him on a daily, even moment-by-moment, basis and ask for help. I did not know to go to God and I was caught in my old nasty habit of selfish gratification, even though it wasn’t gratifying. Dave, who was Spirit-filled, did know to take our struggles to the Lord, and when I finally received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, our relationship took a turn toward God’s better plan for us.

Prayer changes us from the inside out. As I spent time with God, praying in the Holy Spirit, I could hear God speak wisdom to me concerning our marriage. I learned that a house divided against itself cannot stand. I had to learn to walk with Dave and not against him all the time.

As I spent time with God, praying in the Holy Spirit, I could hear God speak wisdom to me concerning my marriage.

When I became Spirit-filled, I was more vocal about it than Dave had been, and we were put out of the Protestant church we attended. We lost almost all our friends who attended there. When we started listening to charismatic faith teachers, our previous friends thought we were crazy. God led me to have a Bible study in my home. That was when I started spending so many hours a day reading God’s Word.

I had so many personality problems, and after receiving the baptism in the Holy Spirit, God started confronting me with truth. Truth always brings freedom from bondage and despair, but it was a long, hard battle because I was rebellious, full of fear, and terribly insecure. I acted as if I didn’t, need anybody, but I knew I did. I acted tough, but I really wasn’t. I had rough and grumpy mannerisms, and there was a lot to overcome. But from the minute I started studying, I had a teaching gift. God just put in me the desire and ability to make His Word clear to others.

I have always had a strong gift of communication in both written and oral expressions. Once I was Spirit-filled, I was able to stop communicating rebellion, fear, and insecurity and express agreement, love, and confidence. My gift wasn’t worth much until God changed my nature.

WHO CONTROLS YOUR SPIRIT?

Malachi 2:16 tells us to keep a watch on our spirit and be controlled by God’s Spirit. We cannot expect a thing to work right if we are not going to listen to God. If we do not listen to God, we are not going to have a good marriage. It’s pretty straightforward and simple, isn’t it? But, if we will listen to God, we will have a great marriage. Therefore be controlled by God’s Spirit. Now, let’s read verse 17 of Malachi 2:

You have wearied the Lord with your words. Yet you say, In what way have we wearied Him? …

God will tell us, and tell us, and tell us, and tell us what we are doing wrong, then we’ll go back to Him and ask, “Well, what am I doing wrong?” In answer to our question of how we have wearied Him, God says, …
[You do it when by your actions] you say, Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the Lord and he delights in them. Or [by asking], Where is the God of justice?
(v. 17). We weary the Lord with our words and the way we act.

In other words, He’s saying, “It wearies Me when by your actions you act as if what you are doing is all right when My Word has already told you that it’s not all right.” That wearies the Lord and He gets tired of it.

When we tell our children what to do, it really makes us happy if they just go do it. If they happily obey, we want to bless them. But if they are rebellious and continue on their own way acting as though everything is O
K
even though we told them not to do what they are doing, we get tired of that, too.

Some people’s perception of God is that He is perfect; therefore, He can’t be tired. Yet He says that we have wearied Him with our words. Imagine that if we weary our patient and loving God with the things we say, how much more are we wearing out each other? God wants spouses to serve each other, to be a light in a dark world where the divorce rate is incredibly high, to be a light set on a hill and to nurture a marriage that can literally be an example to other people of God’s love.

I believe that Dave and I have a marriage that is an example of God’s love between two people without us ever standing up and telling others that we have a good relationship. People who watch us can tell that we love each other. When couples get involved in our ministry, it doesn’t take long to tell if they’re putting it on or if they really love each other. You can’t hide true love. It doesn’t take long to see if somebody’s selfish and self-centered, or if they’re really pouring out love.

If we love people, it will show as an expressive outpouring of who we are. When we are “in Christ,” our actions will demonstrate love. When we are “in ourselves,” our actions will demonstrate greed and self-preservation. The words, “I love you,” can be expressed to someone whether you are in Christ or outside of Him, but there will be a vast difference in the impact and power of those words if you are not in Christ. True love cannot be felt or expressed without Christ present in the heart that both gives and receives affection.

The words, “I love you,” can be expressed whether you are in Christ or outside of Him, but there will be a vast difference in the impact and power.

Yes, it is in giving that we receive, and Christ even gives us the love that we need to give to others. If we want love to fully bloom and bring its manifold blessings to our homes, we must submit ourselves to the work of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.

Ephesians, chapter 5, supports that women are to be equally good to their husbands, as husbands are taught in Malachi to be faithful to their wives. Verse 21 begins,
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)
. We are to subject ourselves to each other out of respect for Christ. Verse 22 says, Wives,
be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord
. All the men in the room say “amen” when I teach this to couples at weekend advances. They hear what they have been trying to get us to hear from the beginning. Adapt! Submit!

But, you see, this “submitting and adapting thing” is two-sided. It is so clear to me. It’s been several years since Dave asked me to sit down and listen to the revelation he had received out of Ephesians. Sometimes when one person gets understanding on a particular subject, no matter how much they tell it to somebody else, the next person doesn’t get it. And, when Dave first told me what I am about to share with you, he was all excited about what God had shown him, but I didn’t quite get what he was seeing. I just nodded my head and looked at him with a blank expression on my face.

But now I understand what he was so excited about. Dave said, “This is it! The perfect union in marriage is for a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church.” We are not talking about a man loving his wife like the guy next door loves his wife. We are talking about a man loving his wife as Christ loved the church. Obviously it will take some time to expound on that fully, but one thing I have learned is that a man loving his wife as Christ loved the church does not mean that she gets her way about everything. I believe Dave’s revelation was hard for me to grasp the day he shared it because I was still stubbornly wanting my way all the time. I thought if Dave really loved me, he would want to make me happy. Obviously, I was so caught up in thinking about myself that it never occurred to me to make him happy by letting him have his way. I don’t know who I thought was supposed to make him happy, but I certainly wasn’t considering that it should have been me.