Making Marriage Work (7 page)

Once that thing or “someone” belongs to us we act a different way than the way we acted before it belonged to us. It’s sad, isn’t it? I exhort you to treat your spouse as if you were still courting because, in effect, you are. If you don’t work at your marriage, you are not going to have a good one.

We are to hold marriage in honor, esteem it as worthy and precious. Think about that for a minute. Marriage is precious. It’s honorable in the eyes of God, and it is to be esteemed worthy. Keep that fact in your mind’s eye.

Avoid getting a loose attitude toward marriage. We begin to treat each other like some old throw pillow tossed in the corner somewhere. We get it when we want to be comfortable, but otherwise ignore it. According to God’s Word, we need to esteem marriage as worthy, precious, of a great price, and especially dear.

According to God’s Word, we need to esteem marriage as worthy, precious, of a great price, and especially dear.

One morning I was praying because I didn’t know what God wanted me to teach at an upcoming couple’s advance. I asked the Lord for guidance and found Malachi, chapter 2, confirming that God cares how husbands and wives treat each other. If we would stop treating each other the way we feel like treating each other, and start preferring one another the way God tells us to, we would see God’s blessing come into our lives.

We need to understand that if we are not going to follow God’s way, then we are opening up doors for the devil to come in to kill, steal, and destroy. But if we’ll do it God’s way, then we are going to have God’s blessing. A good marriage is a tremendous blessing, but a bad one is a curse. There is nothing worse than living in a house with somebody whom you hate and despise and resent. If you are always nit-picking, fighting, and arguing with each other, you will wear each other out. Even when you are not outwardly arguing, you let thoughts constantly run through your head about all these things they do to you that you wish they wouldn’t do. I know because I have lived like that, and my marriage was sick. But God can do a tremendously beautiful work in our relationships if we will let Him. But we have to live out our marriage God’s way.

It is amazing to me how many Christians think that their home and their lives are going to be blessed while they continue to live in strife. It won’t work that way.

The only thing that stands between us and our ability to do what God tells us to do is our flesh. Our hearts are right, or we wouldn’t be seeking God for answers or reading books on marriage. We obviously want something to be better than it is now, but our flesh stands between us and doing the perfect will of God. Pride rises up and keeps us from making the first move. That soulish realm blocks us from the perfect will of God. What we want, what we think, or what we feel is not the issue.

The issue is the Word of God. What does the Word of God say about our marriages? The Bible has a lot to say about how men should treat their wives. It also speaks of how wives should treat their husbands. This Scripture in Malachi 2:10-14 addresses the husbands first:

Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then do we deal faithlessly and treacherously each against his brother, profaning the covenant of [God with] our fathers?

Judah has been faithless and dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah [that is, Jewish men] has profaned the holy sanctuary of the Lord which. He loves, and has married the daughter of a foreign god [having divorced his Jewish wife].

The Lord will cast out of the tents of Jacob to the last man those who do this [evil thing], the master and the servant [or the pupil] alike, even him who brings an offering to the Lord of hosts.

And this you do with double guilt; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears [shed by your unoffending wives, divorced by you that you might take heathen wives], and with [your own] weeping and crying out because the Lord does not regard your offering any more or accept it with favor at your hand.

Yet you ask, Why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows.

Now, the issue here is not whether you are Jewish or not. The point God is saying is, “Listen, you have divorced the wife of your youth, and you have married somebody else, and I am not pleased with it.” It’s pretty simple.

Yet they asked, “Why does He reject our offerings?” It’s amazing sometimes how foolish we can be in our thinking. The men of Judah had blatantly disobeyed God, and now God was rejecting their offerings, and yet they come back to the altar saying, “Well, God, why are You mad at us? Why are You rejecting our offerings?” And God just simply says, “Because you didn’t do what I told you to do.” It’s pretty simple.

I am not saying here that there is never a reason to get a divorce. Of course there are cases where divorce is the only option, but certainly not in as many cases as we see and deal with today in our society. Many marriages end in divorce today simply because people are not willing to go through what it takes to make a marriage good. God hates divorce. He does not hate the divorcee, but we should under no circumstances have a loose view of divorce.

As I already mentioned, I was divorced when I was twenty-three years old, after a five-year relationship with a man who was unfaithful and broke the law. He also regularly deserted me for long periods of time. He simply disappeared with no word at all concerning where he was. Then, after several months, he would reappear, begging for another chance, telling me how much he loved me. My hunger to be loved caused me to be deceived by him for a long time, but after giving birth to my first son, I knew my life and his could no longer be subjected to that kind of unstable behavior. My life proves there is “life after divorce,” but once again let me stress that marriage is to be held in honor and highly esteemed. We should never pursue divorce without biblical grounds and without having done all we possibly can to make the marriage work.

If you are already divorced, or perhaps even divorced several times, there is no point in spending the rest of your life feeling guilty. Make up your mind from this point on that marriage is intended for a lifetime. If you are married again now, make the marriage work; if you are not, don’t get married until you know for sure that you are ready to make a lifetime commitment.

Having a happy life and being blessed is not nearly as complicated as we make it. All we have to do is do what God says to do. It’s not really that hard. We get our thinking all fouled up. We are self-centered and self-willed, but there is not a better way than God’s way. We don’t have a better idea than God has, and we can’t come up with a better plan than His. For years, I thought I knew better than God when it came to my own happiness. It took God the better part of twelve years to convince me that my idea was not better than His.

Having a happy life and being blessed is not nearly as complicated as we make it.

Notice why the Lord rejected their offerings. In verse 14 of Malachi 2 it says, …
Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage]
. … When you got married, were you aware that God was there? He saw it, He watched it, and He calls your union a covenant. It was not just some ceremony you went through with a couple of witnesses. God participated in your marriage.

… Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously
. … Now, we are going to get into some pretty serious language here in a minute. The Bible says if a man deals treacherously and faithlessly with his wife, God does not take it kindly. …
And to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows]
.

And now, watch carefully as verse 15 points to God’s purpose for marriage.

And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One (being God) make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union]. …

Now, I think this is interesting. Why did God make the two of you one? Because. He sought a godly offspring from your union. Now, I believe that’s talking about children, but I believe it’s talking about a lot more than that. I think it’s talking about godly fruit.

God makes two people, one, in marriage because He seeks a godly offspring from the union — children and godly fruit.

WHAT KIND OF FRUIT ARE YOU BEARING?

I believe that it glorifies God when Dave and I do nice things for each other. We have a little routine in the morning. The first thing we do is I hug up to his back for five minutes. And then I turn over and he hugs up to my back for five minutes. And we set our clock fifteen minutes early because we enjoy that time so much.

That’s a personal thing, but married couples need to love each other. We can’t just come to each other when we want something. We need to be in the habit of loving each other and being sweet to our spouse. We once had a waterbed, and it was hard to get out of it. So Dave usually got up before I did, then came to help pull me out of the waterbed. Sounds comical, doesn’t it? I just kind of fell into his arms and hung there for another few minutes. We’ve had a housekeeper in recent years, but at one time, Dave used to go off and make the coffee, and I took a shower.

Yes, my husband made the coffee! I needed to wash my hair and allow it time to dry, so he wasn’t ashamed to go do that for me. That was a blessing for me, and he did it happily. I believe that is all part of the godly offspring from our union.

God is looking for things in the earth that are going to glorify Him. He’s looking for things that are going to give Him praise. And I believe it gives God praise when we love each other. That’s why the Bible says that we in the body of Christ should become one. That’s why God wants us to love, exhort, and edify each other and not be jealous or envious of each other. That unity and oneness is the presence of His power that gives God glory.

Why did the Lord make you two one? Because He wants a godly offspring from your union. …
Therefore take heed to yourselves
… (v. 15). God is saying, “You have to watch yourself. Let’s be serious about this thing. It’s not just going to automatically happen.” …
And let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth
. I looked up that word “treacherous,” and it means to pillage, to deal deceitfully. There is so much deceit in marriages today because there is a lack of straightforward truthfulness and honesty.

Women buy things and hide them from their husbands. Husbands go out and do things and don’t tell their wives. The Bible says we are not to deal deceitfully, unfaithfully. We are not to offend or to depart from each other. Verse 16 says,
For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation
. … You see, God hates it.

As I have already said, I realize that there are people who are in situations where they feel as though God has told them to get a divorce. My main purpose is not to deal with the issue of divorce. I do believe there are times when that is the only answer. As a matter of fact, I think there are times when people do stay with a mate and it ends up ruining their life and the lives of their children. I believe there are proper grounds, even though God hates divorce.

No one should have a loose attitude toward divorce, but we should do everything we can to avoid it. If you have had a loose attitude toward marriage and divorce in the past, I strongly suggest a time of serious repentance of asking God to forgive you. The attitude may have been the result of a lack of knowledge, but starting from now with a clean conscience and a fresh attitude is very important.

Marriage does require that both partners yield to God, but one may have to put forth more effort in the beginning. Eventually, there will have to be sacrifices from both people. There will have to be giving in and change of heart from both people if their marriage is going to work.

For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence
… (v. 16). Now, that’s an interesting thing to me that the Bible says that a man’s garment is his wife. The Bible teaches in both Ephesians and I Peter that the wife is the man’s glory. How the wife appears to other people reflects on the husband and his headship of the household. When the husband is good to his wife, it shows and makes him look good to his community. He is bearing good fruit.

When the husband is good to his wife, it shows and makes him look good to his community. He is bearing good fruit.

Dave and I have to eat out a lot because of the nature of our work, and we get tired of eating in the same places. I saw an advertisement for a restaurant while flipping through a magazine and I said, “Oh, why don’t you take me to this restaurant sometime?”

And all of a sudden, he whipped a piece of paper out of his wallet and said, “Give me the phone number; let me write it down.” I thought, My goodness, he’s going to do it!

How many times do you tell your marriage mate what you need? How often does your spouse tell you what he needs? Is it possible that you just aren’t hearing it? Are you truly paying attention? You must learn to listen to each other. Do you have any idea how happy you’ll be if you’ll set yourself to meet that other person’s needs and quit worrying about getting your own needs met?

The name of the game throughout the Bible is give, give, give. The very principle of love is to forget about yourself, ignore yourself and all your own interests, and get into the relationship to make the other person happy. Your primary goal when you enter marriage should be to make that other person as happy as you can make them. My goal in life is to make Dave happy, and Dave’s goal ought to be to make me happy. I’m talking about other than my relationship goals with God.