THE DEVIL None, my friend. You think, because you have a purpose, Nature must have one. You might as well expect it to have fingers and toes because you have them.
DON JUAN But I should not have them if they served no purpose. And I, my friend, am as much a part of Nature as my own finger is a part of me. If my finger is the organ by which I grasp the sword and the mandoline, m y brain is the organ by which Nature strives to understand itself. My dog's brain serves only my dog's purposes; but my brain labors at a knowledge which does nothing for me personally but make my body bitter to me and my decay and death a calamity. Were I not possessed with a purpose beyond my own I had better be a ploughman than a philosopher; for the ploughman lives as long as the philosopher, eats more, sleeps better, and rejoices in the wife of his bosom with less misgiving. This is because the philosopher is in the grip of the Life Force. This Life Force says to him “I have done a thousand wonderful things unconsciously by merely willing to live and following the line of least resistance: now I want to know myself and my destination, and choose my path; so I have made a special brainâa philosopher's brainâto grasp this knowledge for me as the husbandman's hand grasps the plough for me. And this” says the Life Force to the philosopher “must thou strive to do for me until thou diest, when I will make another brain and another philosopher to carry on the work.”
THE DEVIL What is the use of knowing?
DON JUAN Why, to be able to choose the line of greatest advantage instead of yielding in the direction of the least resistance. Does a ship sail to its destination no better than a log drifts nowhither? The philosopher is Nature's pilot. And there you have our difference: to be in hell is to drift: to be in heaven is to steer.
THE DEVIL On the rocks, most likely.
DON JUAN Pooh! which ship goes oftenest on the rocks or to the bottomâthe drifting ship or the ship with a pilot on board?
THE DEVIL Well, well, go your way, Señor Don Juan. I prefer to be my own master and not the tool of any blundering universal force. I know that beauty is good to look at; that music is good to hear; that love is good to feel; and that they are all good to think about and talk about. I know that to be well exercised in these sensations, emotions, and studies is to be a refined and cultivated being. Whatever they may say of me in churches on earth, I know that it is universally admitted in good society that the Prince of Darkness is a gentleman;
en
and that is enough for me. As to your Life Force, which you think irresistible, it is the most resistible thing in the world for a person of any character. But if you are naturally vulgar and credulous, as all reformers are, it will thrust you first into religion, where you will sprinkle water on babies to save their souls from me; then it will drive you from religion into science, where you will snatch the babies from the water sprinkling and inoculate them with disease to save them from catching it accidentally; then you will take to politics, where you will become the catspaw of corrupt functionaries and the henchman of ambitious humbugs; and the end will be despair and decrepitude, broken nerve and shattered hopes, vain regrets for that worst and silliest of wastes and sacrifices, the waste and sacrifice of the power of enjoyment: in a word, the punishment of the fool who pursues the better before he has secured the good.
DON JUAN But at least I shall not be bored. The service of the Life Force has that advantage, at all events. So fare you well, Señor Satan.
THE DEVIL [
amiably
] Fare you well, Don Juan. I shall often think of our interesting chats about things in general. I wish you every happiness: Heaven, as I said before, suits some people. But if you should change your mind, do not forget that the gates are always open here to the repentant prodigal. If you feel at any time that warmth of heart, sincere unforced affection, innocent enjoyment, and warm, breathing, palpitating realityâ
DON JUAN Why not say flesh and blood at once, though we have left those two greasy commonplaces behind us?
THE DEVIL [
angrily
] You throw my friendly farewell back in my teeth, then, Don Juan?
DON JUAN By no means. But though there is much to be learnt from a cynical devil, I really cannot stand a sentimental one. Señor Commander: you know the way to the frontier of hell and heaven. Be good enough to direct me.
THE STATUE Oh, the frontier is only the difference between two ways of looking at things. Any road will take you across it if you really want to get there.
DON JUAN Good.
[Saluting Dona ANA]
Señora: your servant.
ANA But I am going with you.
DON JUAN I can find my own way to heaven, Ana; but I cannot find yours
[he vanishes].
ANA How annoying!
THE STATUE [
calling after him
] Bon voyage, Juan! [
He wafts a final blast of his great rolling chords after him as a parting salute. A faint echo of the first ghostly melody comes back in acknowledgment].
Ah! there he goes. [
Puffing a long breath out through his lips
] Whew! How he does talk! They'll never stand it in heaven.
THE DEVIL [
gloomily
] His going is a political defeat. I cannot keep these Life Worshippers: they all go. This is the greatest loss I have had since that Dutch painter wentâa fellow who would paint a hag of 70 with as much enjoyment as a Venus of 20.
THE STATUE I remember: he came to heaven. Rembrandt.
THE DEVIL Ay, Rembrandt. There is something unnatural about these fellows. Do not listen to their gospel, Señor Commander: it is dangerous. Beware of the pursuit of the Superhuman: it leads to an indiscriminate contempt for the Human. To a man, horses and dogs and cats are mere species, outside the moral world. Well, to the Superman, men and women are a mere species too, also outside the moral world. This Don Juan was kind to women and courteous to men as your daughter here was kind to her pet cats and dogs; but such kindness is a denial of the exclusively human character of the soul.
THE STATUE And who the deuce is the Superman?
THE DEVIL Oh, the latest fashion among the Life Force fanatics. Did you not meet in Heaven, among the new arrivals, that German Polish madmanâwhat was his name? Nietzsche?
THE STATUE Never heard of him.
THE DEVIL Well, he came here first, before he recovered his wits. I had some hopes of him; but he was a confirmed Life Force worshipper. It was he who raked up the Superman, who is as old as Prometheus; and the 20th century will run after this newest of the old crazes when it gets tired of the world, the flesh, and your humble servant.
THE STATUE Superman is a good cry; and a good cry is half the battle. I should like to see this Nietzsche.
THE DEVIL Unfortunately he met Wagner here, and had a quarrel with him.
THE STATUE Quite right, too. Mozart for me!
THE DEVIL Oh, it was not about music. Wagner once drifted into Life Force worship, and invented a Superman called Siegfried. But he came to his senses afterwards. So when they met here, Nietzsche denounced him as a renegade; and Wagner wrote a pamphlet to prove that Nietzsche was a Jew; and it ended in Nietzsche's going to heaven in a huff. And a good riddance too. And now, my friend, let us hasten to my palace and celebrate your arrival with a grand musical service.
THE STATUE With pleasure: you're most kind.
THE DEVIL This way, Commander. We go down the old trap [he
places himself on the grave trap].
THE STATUE Good. [
Reflectively
] All the same, the Superman is a fine conception. There is something statuesque about it. [
He places himself on the grave trap beside THE DEVIL. It begins to descend slowly. Red glow from the abyss].
Ah, this reminds me of old times.
THE DEVIL And me also.
ANA Stop!
[The trap stops].
THE DEVIL You, Señora, cannot come this way. You will have an apotheosis. But you will be at the palace before us.
ANA That is not what I stopped you for. Tell me: where can I find the Superman?
THE DEVIL He is not yet created, Señora.
THE STATUE And never will be, probably. Let us proceed: the red fire will make me sneeze.
[They descend].
ANA Not yet created! Then my work is not yet done.
[Crossing herself devoutly]
I believe in the Life to Come. [Crying to the universe] A fatherâa father for the Superman!
She vanishes into the void; and again there is nothing: all existence seems suspended infinitely. Then, vaguely, there is a live human voice crying somewhere. One sees, with a shock, a mountain peak shewing faintly against a lighter background. The sky has returned from afar; and we suddenly remember where we were. The cry becomes distinct and urgent:
it says Automobile, Automobile.
The complete reality comes back with a rush: in a moment it is full morning in the Sierra; and the brigands are scrambling to their feet and making for the road as the goatherd runs down from the hill, warning them of the approach of another motor. TANNER and MENDOZA rise amazedly and stare at one another with scattered wits. STRAKER sits up to yawn for a moment before he gets on his feet, making it a point of honor not to shew any undue interest in the excitement of the bandits. MENDOZA gives a quick look to see that his followers are attending to the alarm; then exchanges a private word with TANNER.
MENDOZA Did you dream?
TANNER Damnably. Did you?
MENDOZA Yes. I forget what. You were in it.
TANNER So were you. Amazing!
MENDOZA I warned you. [
A shot is heard from the road
]
.
Dolts! they will play with that gun.
[The brigands come running back scared].
Who fired that shot?
[to DUVAL
] was it you?
DUVAL [
breathless
] I have not shoot. Dey shoot first.
ANARCHIST I told you to begin by abolishing the State. Now we are all lost.
THE ROWDY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT
[stampeding across the amphitheatre
] Run, everybody.
MENDOZA
[collaring him; throwing him on his back; and drawing a knife]
I
stab the man who stirs. [He blocks the way. The stampede is checked].
What has happened?
THE SULKY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT A motorâ
THE ANARCHIST Three menâ
DUVAL Deux femmesâ
MENDOZA Three men and two women! Why have you not brought them here? Are you afraid of them?
THE ROWDY ONE
[getting up]
Thyve a hescort. Ow, de-ooh lut's ook it, Mendowza.
THE SULKY ONE Two armored cars full o soldiers at the ed o the valley.
ANARCHIST The shot was fired in the air. It was a signal.
STRAKER whistles his favorite air, which falls on the ears of the brigands like a funeral march.
TANNER It is not an escort, but an expedition to capture you. We were advised to wait for it; but I was in a hurry.
THE ROWDY ONE [
in an agony of apprehension
] And Ow my good Lord, ere we are, w y tin for em! Lut's tike to the mahntns.
MENDOZA Idiot, what do you know about the mountains? Are you a Spaniard? You would be given up by the first shepherd you met. Besides, we are already within range of their rifles.
THE ROWDY ONE Batâ
MENDOZA Silence. Leave this to me. [
To TANNER]
Comrade: you will not betray us.
STRAKER Oo are you callin comrade?
MENDOZA Last night the advantage was with me. The robber of the poor was at the mercy of the robber of the rich. You offered your hand: I took it.
TANNER I bring no charge against you, comrade. We have spent a pleasant evening with you: that is all.
STRAKER I gev my and to nobody, see?
MENDOZA
[turning on him impressively]
Young man, if I am tried, I shall plead guilty, and explain what drove me from England, home and duty. Do you wish to have the respectable name of Straker dragged through the mud of a Spanish criminal court? The police will search me. They will find Louisa's portrait. It will be published in the illustrated papers. You blench. It will be your doings remember.
STRAKER
[with baffled rage]
I don't care about the court. It's avin our name mixed up with yours that I object to, you blackmailin swine, you.
MENDOZA Language unworthy of Louisa's brother! But no matter: you are muzzled: that is enough for us. [He turns to face his own
men, who back uneasily across the amphitheatre towards the cave to take refuge behind him, as afresh party, muffied for motoring, comes from the road in riotous spirits. ANN, who makes straight for TANNER, comes first; then VIOLET, helped over the rough ground by HECTOR holding her right hand and RAMSDEN her left. MENDOZA goes to his presidential block and seats himself calmly with his rank and file grouped behind him, and his Staff, consisting of DUVAL and the ANARCHIST on his right and the two Social-Democrats on his left, supporting him in flank.
ANN It's Jack!
TANNER Caught!
HECTOR Why, certainly it is. I said it was you, Tanner. We've just been stopped by a puncture: the road is full of nails.
VIOLET What are you doing here with all these men?
ANN Why did you leave us without a word of warning?
HECTOR I want that bunch of roses, Miss Whitefield.
[To TANNER]
When we found you were gone, Miss Whitefield bet me a bunch of roses my car would not overtake yours before you reached Monte Carlo.
TANNER But this is not the road to Monte Carlo.
HECTOR No matter. Miss Whitefield tracked you at every stopping place: she is a regular Sherlock Holmes.
TANNER The Life Force! I am lost.
OCTAVIUS
[bounding gaily down from the road into the amphitheatre, and coming between TANNER and STRAKER]
I am so glad you are safe, old chap. We were afraid you had been captured by brigands.