Manslations (5 page)
Authors: Jeff Mac
This guy wanted to do you, and if you did it, you likely won't hear from him again. Well, maybe in another few weeks if he thought he could get away with it again.
I'm not trying to depress you. I just want you to be able to spot a douche when you see one. And that's how you do it.
But what if the guy isn't a douche? (Hey, it happens.) Same rules apply. Let's look at another example—this time, one based on a question I got at manslations.com.
A woman wrote to me concerned that her man wouldn't tell her how he felt about her. When they met, they lived in separate countries, but soon they were calling, emailing, and even making regular international visits. He asked her to be his girlfriend, and they became exclusive. He asked her to move to his country when she finished grad school.
All this, but he would not talk about his feelings for her, even when she asked. He said that he was a “very private person” and didn't like “being probed for information.”
*
She didn't want to consider moving to be closer to him unless he was in love with her, so she wrote to me for help.
How do we manslate this situation? First, the Golden Rule. Are his words and actions contradictory? Yes, they sure seem to be. So let's forget all about what he does or doesn't
say
for a moment and focus on what he's doing:
- Contacting her all the time (calling, emailing, etc.)
- Visiting her from another country
- Asking her to date exclusively and not pursuing any other women
- Trying to get her to move in with him when she graduates
Now, the Two Big Questions:
- Might he think this is going to get him laid? Yep. (And as a side note, I bet he's absolutely correct.)
- Might he think this is going to get him some more time with her? Yes, it is. He's doing everything he can to spend as much time with her (and only her) as humanly possible and to make sure that she's not seeing other men.
Verdict: Even though this guy doesn't like to talk about his feelings, we all know exactly what they are. He's with her for real. There's no other great explanation for all the behavior.
I understand that she might really want or need him to talk about his feelings for her at some point. And of course there's nothing wrong with that. Totally reasonable desire. She's just going to have to teach him why that's important. (See Chapter 7, “Having ‘The Talk.’”)
I know that you don't believe it's this simple, but I promise that's all you need to know. If you can really grasp the Five Supreme Laws of Manslation, you'll go a long way toward understanding all the men in your life. And if you choose to ignore those things, hey, no skin off my nose, you know? It works with global warming, right? Oh… wait…
__________________
Technically, it's Three Principles, a Golden Rule, and Two Big Questions. But you can't introduce that with “Behold.”
Not literally, you understand. I'm just saying that we're going to talk about it. Believe me, if I could actually transport us back through time, I'd be so rich I wouldn't even have to be an author. Plus I'd be too busy running around, stopping Hitler, righting wrongs, betting on sporting events of which I already knew the winners, and making sure my parents met at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance in time to get the DeLorean to the old clock tower.
Regarding the “brilliant minds in this field” of manslations theory, I can say two things definitively. One, I am the only mind in the field, and so I can claim to be the most brilliant one. And two, for any kids who want to grow up and work in the manslations field, I'd say you're better off renting office space. It gets cold, manslating in a field.
The Jack Bauer Principle is why men are so jealous of firemen. First of all, they're actually doing all the stuff that we wish we were doing. And second, we know that women look at firemen in the same way that men look at…well…all women.
It was on these occasions that I realized my legs are mobsters from 1928. That's a tough day in any man's life. But I handled it with aplomb, people.
I wouldn't recommend asking your dog those questions. I'm not an expert on dogs, but I'm pretty sure that your dog's not famous, so who cares what his favorite curse word is?
Please remember that I've added in the concept of what he “might think” in both of the Two Big Questions. We're looking for his motivation here, but we are not necessarily saying that he knows what the hell he's talking about. It's entirely possible that there is some man somewhere who thinks that by pouring motor oil in your hair, he's going to convince you to sleep with him. (And if that's your boyfriend, congratulations!)
I realize that the metaphor at this point involves the launch of nuclear weapons. I'm sure most relationship situations aren't quite to that level. Most.
Totally metaphorical trenches here. I don't recommend dating in actual trenches. Then again, if you've got a World War I fetish or something, hey, who am I to stop you?
Most men don't like to be probed at all. Just ask any alien abductees you know.
CHAPTER 2
of myths and men, or stuff
you don't even know
you don't know
L
et's look at some of the main myths that women believe about men, shall we? I really think we should, or else the chapter title won't make any sense at all.
*
Ready? Let's go!
MYTH: Men Are Afraid of Commitment.
FACT: I have no idea what this one even means. It's nonsense. Total nonsense. I'll admit that men are afraid of committing to someone they don't want to be with. But, um, isn't everyone? Seems like sort of a healthy fear, like the ones we have of “fire” or of “getting stuck in a conversation with your friend's boring grandfather.”
Men want to be with someone they want to be with. And if we are with the right person, well, of course we're going to want to
stay
with her. But if we aren't sure we want to be there (which usually ends up meaning that we don't), yeah, that's when you'll get some “fear of commitment.” This is sometimes also known as “not liking you.”
I can remember a relationship I was in many, many years ago. I could feel the “commitment heat” coming off of her. She wanted to talk about moving in together. I was a little panicky about the whole thing. And for a minute there, I thought that there was something wrong with
me
because I was afraid to commit to her. I actually had the following thought:
“Oh, man. I guess I'm with the woman I'm going to be with forever, and I don't really like her. This blows.”
And so it did.
It was only later when I was in a good relationship that I realized, “Hmm. Weird. I have no problem committing in this situation—one that I want to be in. Odd, huh? Probably just a coincidence.”
I promise there are no men who think, “This situation is perfect. I'm with the perfect woman for me. I love spending time with her. But I am afraid of commitment, and so I will leave her.” Honestly, that doesn't happen in the real world, where we live and work and pay bills. If a man wants out, it's because he wants out. It's not because you're too perfect for him.
Remember the Manslator's Golden Rule: if he's backing out the door but saying how perfect you are… er… which one of those things do you think you should believe?
Our Wedding, He Isn't Truly Committed.
FACT: If a man isn't psyched about
being married,
he isn't truly committed. But planning the wedding ceremony itself? Most men aren't going to be all that psyched about that whole day. Why not? Well, weddings aren't very manly, are they? No. Can you picture Jack Bauer at his wedding? Come on, he'd look like an idiot. So even if a guy wants to be married to you, the ceremony is still going to feel a lot like spending a day looking like a dork.
Face it, ladies—at your wedding,
you
are the badass. He looks and feels like the accessory. That's how the guy has appeared at every wedding I've ever been at. (That guy up there doesn't look like he feels like a ninja or a Jedi or anything of the kind. He looks like he's at his First Communion in his big-boy clothes.)
Also, remember that men see things for what they
do.
A wedding is all about what it
means.
So that ceremony is always going to make more sense to you than it is to him. What does a wedding ceremony
do
? For the guy, it forces him to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and parades him around in front of people.
Does this mean that he doesn't want to be with you? Nope. Does it mean he doesn't want to marry you? Not that either. All it means is that you'll both be much happier if you acknowledge (if you don't know it already) that your wedding day is about you getting what you, as the woman, want. Well, you and any maiden aunts you have who love to go to weddings. (We'll talk about how to get your man psyched about the wedding a little later.)
Scare Him Off.
FACT: Unless you are dating a small woodland creature or someone with a serious anxiety disorder that makes him poop himself every time his phone rings, this is just flat-out not true, and it never, never happens. Ever. If he doesn't like you after you contact him, he didn't like you before, either.
I know, I know. You don't believe me. And so we'll talk more about this one in Chapter 4, “First Date Dos and Don'ts.”
FACT: You only have to tell him what you're thinking if you want him to ever,
ever
know.
Men want badly to read your minds. We really, really do. I swear, if we could gain the power to read your mind by cutting off a randomly selected toe, we would all give it serious consideration. But we never will. (And to save you some time, I already looked into it, okay? No one is offering that trade.)
Let's take flowers, for example. If you were paying attention to the “What it DOES vs. What it MEANS” section in Chapter 1, you can guess how most men feel about flowers. They don't really register for men, because they don't
do
anything, so most men sort of forget they exist. But if, like many women, you enjoy getting flowers from time to time for no reason at all (i.e., when he's not in big, big trouble—even the dopiest of men knows to buy them for you then), do you know how you're going to get them? No, no, not by giving him flowers for no reason and hoping he gets the hint. He doesn't want flowers. How is giving him something that he does
not
want going to train him to give you something that you
do
want? You get your flowers by telling your man exactly that information—if he knows what you want (elk), he'll get it (stab).
I can hear you. I know, I know. You don't
want
to tell him. You want him to just
know.
I don't know what to tell you. Date the Amazing Kreskin.
FACT: Not unless you're talking about his diaper (in which case, you are very correct). This isn't Barbies, okay? He's not a Ken Doll. You don't want Ken, anyway. First of all, you want a guy you really want—as opposed to a guy you don't want but are pretty sure you can somehow Frankenstein into a guy you want. (Don't you have enough to do throughout the day?)