Mara (26 page)

Auntie’s reputation would be ruined if it became known that I had a child. Nobody would consider the circumstances or keep in mind that she had only helped me through a difficult time. And I was convinced that Auntie would never lie about it. If I were to appear in public with her, she would speak the truth to everyone. She would freely tell that I was her niece and Mara her great-niece.

I imagined us walking together over the market, with Mara in a baby carriage. Auntie would do all her errands and she’d discuss fabrics with me, but the salesman would only bother with her to receive his money. He wouldn’t give her the time of day for a friendly chat. The postmen would hand her a bundle of mail, but at the same time continue their conversation and not bother to even look at her. I imagined how Auntie would greet and talk to her friends. How they might just contain their contempt for as long as their conversation with Auntie lasted, but as soon as we would walk on I would be able to hear their hushed remarks.

The shame, the shame, the shame.

Eternal, unforgivable and impossible to cover up.

How could I do this to Auntie, to be ridiculed and treated with contempt in her own hometown? She had lived here all her life, had grown up on this farm and was part of this small community. If I stayed here, everything would change for her.

I heard the wagon return and I went out to the yard to welcome Auntie back and to help her with the wagon. She cheerfully waved at me when she saw me and I saw that her cheeks had a healthy fresh colour.

‘Hello, Maria!’ Her voice sounded happy and I smiled.

‘Hello, Auntie. You must have had a nice time at the market?’

She nodded and climbed down from the wagon. The dog came running and bounced excitedly around her feet. She gently pushed him back with her leg.

‘Next week you really ought to come with me, Mara. Or Sunday, then you can come to church with me. But that can come later.’ Auntie took my arm. ‘Come along, I’ve got something for you.’

She pulled me to the little bench beside the front door and put her basket down. She waited for me to sit down and then started to rummage through her basket. She pulled out a small parcel. It was wrapped in newspaper and tied up with string and a big bow. I warily took the parcel from her.

‘What is this for?’

‘Have a look.’

I slowly pulled the string and folded the newspaper away. In my lap were two tiny, white wooden shoes.

‘I bought the smallest size they had,’ said Auntie.

I took one of the tiny wooden shoes and held it in my hand. I thought of Mara’s little feet and couldn’t believe that these wooden shoes would ever fit her. Her feet were still so very dainty and small, quite unsuited for clunky wooden shoes. Yet I knew that one day she would be big enough and I would put these wooden shoes on her feet and watch her walk around on them.

‘They’re so cute, Auntie!’

‘Can you see her already, walking in the yard?’ Auntie smiled at me and I nodded eagerly in agreement.

Only much later, when I, with a smile on my face, put the tiny wooden shoes on my bedside table, I thought about it again. My smile disappeared and I felt a lump in my throat. Staying here would change Auntie’s life. It would result in things I didn’t want to be responsible for. Until now it had been fairly easy to keep myself hidden on the farm, but that was partially because I had arrived in winter when most of life was lived indoors. At this time of year there were all sorts of activities that took place outside, and Mara would also grow up fast. It was impossible to continue to keep myself in hiding.

I got changed into my nightgown and checked up on Mara in her cradle one more time. She was fast asleep. Her cheeks were rosy and her breathing was regular and deep. I knew she would sleep soundly all night. I kissed her forehead and whispered that I loved her. Then I went to bed myself and pulled the blankets up to my chin. For a moment I glanced at the little wooden shoes on the bedside table, then I blew out the oil lamp and it was dark. I was alone with my thoughts.

For several days I thought about my options and every time I ended up with the same conclusion, knowing full well that the path I chose would be a difficult one. When Reijer came I explained my predicament to him, but he really wasn’t much help, at least I didn’t think so. He didn’t agree with me and thought that I should give Auntie the chance to decide for herself. He said that in fact, she actually had done that already. I didn’t understand and also didn’t agree with him.

‘Do you think that the members of your church will be so broadminded that there won’t be any talk?’ I asked him.

He was silent for a moment and then shook his head. ‘I’m afraid they won’t be. At least, not all of them,’ he added quickly.

‘So Auntie will be humiliated if I stay.’

‘Maybe you’re wrong.’

‘I can’t do that to her.’

‘Last Sunday I preached on the adulterous woman. Do you know that story?’ I nodded and felt my stomach cringe at the thought that he was going to tell me now what he should have told me a long time ago already. With my head down I waited for his words of admonishment.

‘That story is in the end not about what the woman has done, but about what Jesus offers her. He offers her forgiveness.’

Good for her.

‘But that’s not all, He also shows the people who were watching that they have no right to judge another person without first looking at themselves.’

‘How many of your church members have understood that lesson, you think?’

Reijer shrugged his shoulders despondently. I knew enough.

28

I
know that I’ll be welcome and that has made it easier to come to my decision. Did I tell you yet that Reijer doesn’t agree with me? He says that by doing this I’m making the decision for Auntie, but I just want to protect her from hurtful remarks made by her friends. I’m very happy with the place you’ve got for me. It won’t be long now until I come, since I know everything has been prepared. I’ll tell Auntie about my decision as soon as possible. After I’ve done that I’ll need a few days, possibly a week to organize things here. I expect it won’t be very easy travelling with Mara, but I’m very much looking forward to show her to you.

Everything was ready. Now the only thing left to do was tell Auntie about it. When I had given Mara her last feeding for the day and had put her to bed, I went to the kitchen to talk to Auntie.

‘Auntie, I have something to tell you.’ My voice sounded tense and I knew Auntie noticed it too.

‘Let me put on some tea first, child, then I’ll join you.’ She put her hand on mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. Then she put the water on to boil and searched the cupboards. I saw her take out a large green tin and I smiled. I knew that it was the cookie tin.

When the water was boiling I got up and poured tea for the two of us. Auntie filled a plate with cookies and put it on the table. There were six cookies, four too many my mother would have said, but I knew by now that Auntie would always have an abundance of food on her table.

‘It’s bad news you have for me, isn’t it, Maria?’

I was taken aback by the quiver in her voice and I realized that Auntie was afraid of what I was going to say. Of course I knew my decision would also spell loneliness for her, but had she not been living on her own for years already? I swallowed hard as I started to tell my lie. I was relieved when I noticed how Auntie listened attentively and nodded a few times.

‘I will miss you,’ she said in the end, ‘but it’s only for two weeks.’ She took a cookie from the plate and took a bite. I felt sick as I watched her, but I also took a cookie so she wouldn’t suspect anything.

‘When will you leave?’

‘As soon as everything is organized. I can phone them and tell them when I’m coming.’

‘That’s good. We should make a list of things for you to bring along. We’ll have to make sure that Mara won’t lack a thing, won’t we?’ She winked at me and took another cookie.

I chewed my cookie without tasting any of it. It hadn’t lied to her for nothing. It would be easier for her to think that I was only leaving for a short while. But it still hurt.

‘Do you really have to go, Maria? I know, of course you do.’ Auntie’s voice sounded sad and she pulled me close. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

‘I’ll be back, Auntie, I’ll be back, but I have to do this first.’

She nodded, but I saw doubt in her eyes. She was afraid to remain behind alone, a fear I knew and understood. I took her hand and looked her in the eyes.

‘I’ll be back, Auntie. Really.’ The blatant lie crossed my lips without any difficulty. There’s nothing I wanted more than return to her, but it was impossible.

‘I know, sweetheart.’

But I still could sense her doubt. I felt for her but I was determined to see things through.

‘I looked up which train you’re going to need for Amsterdam.’

‘Platform one,’ I said.

Auntie nodded and led the way. She pushed the baby carriage and I carried a suitcase with some of the necessary items. It wasn’t going to be easy for me to transfer everything from one train to the next each time, but this time I wasn’t as afraid of the journey. The baby carriage had to be stored in the baggage car so I lifted Mara from the carriage and put her in a wrap that I carried around my neck and shoulder. Auntie helped me on the train and walked with me to find a good seat for me. Finally I sat down and Auntie bent down to hug me one more time.

‘Goodbye, and have a safe journey.’

‘Thank you for everything, Auntie.’

Her warm embrace disappeared and I could hear her footsteps in the train. Then she stood outside on the platform again, waving at me through the window. I could see her strength as she smiled despite the sadness she felt. I followed her example and smiled and waved.

Then the train moved and all that was left for me was to sit out the journey. And enjoy my child.

As I recalled from my previous journey, the trip from Velp to Arnhem was only a short one. It seemed that the train had only just come to full speed when it started to slow down again, and soon we entered the station.

I waited for the train to come to a complete stop before I rose from my seat. I remembered how the train would jerk with sudden movements as it slowed down to a stop, and I didn’t want to risk injuring Mara in a sudden fall. I was one of the last persons off the train, but the passengers on the platform were waiting patiently to board. One gentleman in a nice suit offered me his hand and helped me off the train. Only much later did it dawn on me that I had accepted his hand without any hesitation.

‘Careful now, Ma’am.’

I smiled and he touched his hat.

‘Thank you.’

He nodded and stepped onto the train that I had just left.

Slowly I walked across the platform and for a moment I felt the old panic of not knowing what to do, but again someone came to my rescue.

‘Ma’am, is this your baby carriage and luggage?’ A porter motioned me and I took a breath of relief. Mara started to stir a bit in the somewhat constricting wrap, but she was still asleep. I knew it wouldn’t be long before she would wake up. I could feel the sweat trickle down my back, but I straightened up and hurried to join the porter who patiently stood there beside the baby carriage.

‘No need to hurry, Ma’am. There’s no rush.’

‘I have to catch the train for Utrecht, sir, and I haven’t a clue…’

I looked around, searching for a clock, but the only clock I saw wasn’t working, both hour and second hand hung down limply like the broken wings of a bird.

‘You’ve got some time still, don’t worry. Shall I walk with you?’

I wanted to decline, but decided to accept his offer. Auntie had given me a bit of money and I would use some of that to pay him for his services.

Just at that moment Mara started to whimper softly and I knew that very soon she would be demanding to be fed.

‘You just look after your little one, Ma’am, then I’ll take care of your luggage.’ The man tapped his cap and led the way to platform three where my next train would depart from.

I lifted Mara a little bit out of the wrap and held her snuggled against my shoulder as I followed the man.

By the time the train started to move I had changed Mara and was ready to give her a bottle. Thanks to the kind porter I hadn’t needed to worry about a thing. He had loaded everything on the train for me and made sure I got a good seat with enough space and privacy to tend to Mara. I thanked him profusely and gave him some of the money.

He shook his head and placed his hands on his hips.

‘Children are a gift from God and we ought to treat them as such, with special care,’ he said. ‘So also the mothers who care for them as only they can.’

He made a smacking sound with his mouth and continued: ‘And I know what I’m talking about, ‘cause my dear wife shows me this daily.’

‘Then please take this money for your children,’ I said. To my relief, he accepted the money in the end. He leaned over Mara for a moment and stroked her cheek softly with his large hand. Then he touched his cap and got off the train in a few large steps.

Finally we were on our way and I watched as Mara eagerly sucked her bottle. The first few days when she was back I had cried with each bottle I gave her. I cried because my own body was no longer able to feed her, but Mara didn’t seem to mind and after a few days I learned to enjoy watching the movements of her mouth and her contented lip smacking as her bottle was finished.

The train’s motion made Mara sleepy. I could tell that while she relaxed her head weighed down with drowsiness much quicker than normal. I bundled her up again in the shawl that I had wrapped around my shoulder and I relished to just hold her close to me while I watched her eyes shut slowly.

When she finally slept, I also closed my eyes and dozed off.

‘What a lovely little baby you have there.’

The voice of an old woman woke me up. I blinked my eyes, wondering if I had travelled back in time and that the nun was traveling with me, but when I looked closely I noticed that it was an elegantly dressed older woman who sat across from me.