Mara (30 page)

‘Shouldn’t you be at your shop counter, Mrs. Kleut? It’s not like you to be walking about town at this time of day. I won’t keep you any longer.’ I smiled at her and then turned my gaze back to my daughter.

‘Come along girl. We’ve got business to attend to today. Goodbye Ma’am.’

I ignored her and quickly walked on, my nose in the air with pride. No longer did I let my shoulders hang. Everyone was allowed to know I was here, with my daughter.

From the corner of my eye I could see that several little groups of people gathered in the street. Behind me I could hear Mrs. Kleut’s shrill voice and I knew she would have assembled a little crowd around her and was giving them the full details of her encounter with me. She’d say that, yes, it really was me, Maria, the pastor’s daughter. And that - oh, but keep this hush-hush! – I carried a child in my arms. She would talk in a hushed voice, yet loud enough so everyone who wanted to could hear every word.

I ignored it all and walked past the little white church I hated so much. The small ornamental ship over the entrance door still looked so ridiculously small, but I quickly looked ahead of me again. I could see the manse, diagonally behind the church.

I took a deep breath and stood still with my eyes closed. My hand once more checked my pocket to make sure I still had the envelope. My fingers curled around it. I knew the letter must by now look crumpled and creased, I had held it in my hand so often. Only a few more yards separated me from my mother. I hesitated as I was about to step onto the path leading to the house. There was a very small chance that the Reverend would be home, but I was fairly sure he wouldn’t be. Wednesday mornings were always dedicated to home visits. I stood, contemplating what to do, when I felt a raindrop on my cheek, and then another, followed by more.

Without more a-do I opened the little gate and followed the path to the backdoor. Even if the Reverend was home, it wasn’t likely that he would see me here. The study was at the front of the house, beside the frontdoor, and Mother’s domain was the kitchen at the back of the house. That’s where I was most likely to find her. Mara suddenly seemed to weigh much more than usual and my feet also felt heavy. I almost tripped when my foot got caught behind one of the uneven stones in the path.

I had reached the backdoor.

The wind had started to blow and the rain was coming down hard now and it blew against the window. Wet streaks washed the windows and made it impossible for me to see what was going on inside. I tried to keep Mara sheltered from the rain by leaning over her while I ran the last few yards. Out of habit I simply pushed open the backdoor, without knocking. And there I stood in the warm kitchen.

I was gasping for air and needed a few moments to catch my breath. Then I looked up.

Mother was sitting at the kitchen table with some mending in her hands. She stared up at me in shocked surprise. Her mouth fell open. Her hands fell limply on the table and the thimble rolled away, it just stopped at the edge of the table.

I could only hear the sound of my hurried breathing. I turned and closed the door, locking the rain out. Now I my ears picked up another sound, that of the rain hitting the window. Slowly my senses returned and I could smell the familiar aroma of Mother’s kitchen, I could feel Mara’s little body, still weighing me down. Water had soaked through my clothes and I shivered.

‘Maria?’ Her voice was no more than a whisper and I wondered if I had heard her correctly.

Before I could respond, Mara stirred and made a loud wail that echoed around the kitchen. I realized how strange it was for me to stand there, in the house where I was raised, in the same room as my mother, but with my back against the door, on the mat, like an uninvited guest.

‘Mother.’

‘What are you doing here, you’re not supposed to be here, not with that child.’

Her words were like the sharp knife stabs. Her voice was indifferent and there was rejection in her eyes.

‘Mara. Her name is Mara.’ I held on to the daughter I had fought for, and I didn’t know what else to say.

‘You’re not supposed to be here, he won’t stand for it. Not with the child.’ Her eyes seemed to look straight through me, her lips moved and shaped the words but she didn’t seem to be really talking to me.

I pulled the letter from my skirt pocket. The envelope was rumpled, and to make it even worse, two wet drops fell down my face onto it the paper.

‘This letter… It is for you. I came to deliver it to you.’

‘Letters are delivered by the postman.’

‘It would mean so much to me if you would read this letter, Mother.’

Her eyes seemed to glance at the envelope in my hand, but I wasn’t sure. She still gazed in that odd, remote way.

‘Don’t give the letter to the Reverend, Mother. Read it for yourself. That’s all I ask.’

Mother still hadn’t moved. She sat stiffly on her kitchen chair and didn’t seem to have any inclination to hug me.

‘Auntie Be sends you her love,’ I whispered.

I wiped my feet on the doormat, walked three steps into the kitchen and placed the envelope on the table. I quickly grabbed the pencil from my pocket. I turned the envelope over and hastily wrote with clear letters a short sentence on the back. I had trouble breathing and droplets of sweat were on my forehead. This was my last chance, the only thing left for me to do. I returned the pencil to my pocket and stepped back.

‘Please read this, Momma.’

Those were the words I had written. My voice halted, I tripped and turned around. I opened the door and stepped into the rain. Momma, that is what I used to call her. My Momma. How long had it been since I last called her that? And now, all of a sudden that word had found it’s way back into that cold kitchen.

I gasped for air and my side ached, yet another pain. The rain beat down on my head and body, and I wrapped my arms protectively around Mara’s little body. I was pretty sure she was still dry, but it wouldn’t be long for the rain to soak through the fabric and make her wet and cold. It was time to leave. I turned back slowly. I wanted to see her one more time and wave to her, the lonely woman at the kitchen table. But when I turned I was amazed to find her face pressed against the window, so close to me I could touch her.

The heavens wept for her with raindrops streaking down her face behind the window, distorting her features. Unsure, I lifted my hand to wave. I searched her face for a sign of life and I softly whispered one more time ‘Momma’.

Then I walked away with hanging shoulders. After about 10 yards I turned again to look at her. I was hoping for something, but I didn’t know what. I think I stood there for at east a minute before I finally turned away to continue walking. At the little gate I turned one last time. The rain was like a curtain between us and I couldn’t see much more than a now slowly moving shadow. She pressed her hand against the glass in a desperate gesture. To hold on to me? Or to ward me off?

I didn’t run into anyone on my short walk back to Harbor Street. I was half running, half walking, and I jumped over some large puddles that had formed. My biggest concern was that the blanket around Mara wouldn’t stay dry. Just as I was about to step on board, a loud voice called out.

‘Maria!’

His voice made me stop. Within me was a turmoil of words and memories. I took a deep breath and counted slowly to five, then I climbed on board, ignoring him.

‘Mr. Kannegieter!’ My voice sounded weak and couldn’t even be heard over the sound of the rain, so I called again. Then I saw Piet Kannegieter’s head appear from the forecastle and he hurried towards me, leaning his head and shoulders forward because of the rain.

‘Are we ready to go?’

‘There’s just one more thing I need to take care of. Would you mind holding on to my daughter for a moment, and keep her dry in the forecastle?’ I pleaded while I held Mara out to him. Piet Kannegieter nodded gravely and asked me no more. His hands were large but gentle as he took Mara from me.

‘I’ll take good care of the little one.’

‘Thank you.’ I watched them go and didn’t turn till I had seen them disappear into the forecastle.

I stepped onto the quay with my gaze steady on the Reverend. He was still a small distance away when I stood still. The Reverend stopped and we both stood there like two fighters in a ring, measuring each other up. With my chin up I met his gaze squarely, unwavering. I searched his face for signs of his God-given authority. My eyes swept several times over his black hair, the angry frown on his forehead, the black eyes and thin lips.

I couldn’t find a trace of the power that once had revolted me and that I had been unable to withstand. Instead I saw a man dressed in black, with wet and unkempt hair, and with a raindrop hanging of his nose that dripped down and kept returning.

My own clothes were also getting drenched by the constant downpour, and I could feel the cold fabric stick to me. But it wasn’t as cold as his fury. I watched him in silence. But the silence didn’t last. He put another step forward, lifted his finger in the air and started to shout.

‘You filthy whore! You disgusting wench! You have ruined my life by coming here with that… that…’ He halted and stammered. Even though I couldn’t see it in the rain, I knew that spittle was flying out of his mouth. ‘That thing!’

Thing.

‘Mara. Her name is Mara!’ My cry was lifted and carried off by the wind into the village, but he didn’t listen and continued his tirade.

‘You have ruined my life! Elder Kleut came to tell me that you were in the village with… with… that bastard! You deserve to be punished. I should punish you. It is your duty to honor your father and your mother. Maria, remember the fifth commandment.’ He wagged his finger back and forth, then made a fist and raised it to heaven to add force to his words.

Unwanted images that were linked to those words returned to me and I wavered unsteadily. What could I do? How could I stand up to him? He was always there, bigger and stronger. So powerful.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened up my eyes and looked at him again. The blood raced through my veins and, despite my cold wet clothes, I felt hot. Not today. Not ever again.

I thought of Mother. How she had sat there so lonely on her kitchen chair, ignorant of the pain she had caused me. How she didn’t know my child. These thoughts of the present mingled with memories, both good and bad ones. She would stay here with this man, forever yielding to him and obey his wishes, but not me. Not anymore.

‘God will punish you, and I will be the one who will first administer you his punishment.’

He moved forward and I felt the urge to step back in fear, but I didn’t. I stood firm. The God he served was not the same God as Auntie Be’s. If one of those gods existed, I wanted to put my hope in Auntie Be’s God. With my eyes closed I called out to him in a silent prayer. I held my faced lifted up to the dark skies while raindrops ran down my cheeks like tears.

‘Stop ignoring me!’

The holy silence was shattered by that pitiful servant. I cherished another moment of silence, still ignoring his words. The rain suddenly stopped and I wiped the last few drops from my face.

‘It’s over, Reverend.’

I turned around and left him standing there. I climbed on board and walked to the forecastle without looking back. I wanted to hold my daughter. For now and forever.

Epilogue

‘Come along now.’ Piet Kannegieter beckoned me and I walked toward him unsteadily.

‘I’ll start the engine and you sit down here.’ He helped me in and immediately picked up a warm woolen blanket, which he wrapped around me.

I reached out my arms and whispered her name. Kannegieter handed Mara to me and I held her close. I pressed my nose to her hair and her neck. I smelled her scent and I thanked God. I held her in my arm and gave her something to drink. It felt so comforting to feel the warm weight of her body against me. I watched intently while she drank and I saw how she closed her eyes and drank greedily, unaware of the world around her. She simply entrusted herself to the safety of my arms.

I had done everything I had set out to do here. Now it was up to Mother to decide what to do next. I could only hope and pray.

While Mara drank hungrily, I stood up carefully and wrapped my cloak around the both of us. I had to go outside, I had to look back one more time. Carefully, so as not to disturb Mara, I climbed up the little steps and stepped onto the deck. Kannegieter was standing at the helm and noticed me immediately. He nodded at me but said nothing.

I passed behind him and held on to the rail on the after deck. All that remained of the village were some blurred outlines. Only one clearly visible building seemed to say farewell to me in the distance. The white steeple of God’s house. I stood there until I couldn’t see anything anymore. Even after that I remained on the after deck for a long time. Mara started to coo and flail her arms about as if she was trying to catch the droplets of water that sprayed about, or the wind, or life?

I was on my way home, with my daughter.

Once more I had traveled many miles and again I was on the train between Arnhem and Velp. This time I was on my own, without a nun to help me. There was a chance that I would have to spend the night in Velp, since I hadn’t had an opportunity to notify Auntie of my arrival time. I wasn’t concerned about it though, I knew I was almost there.

The train slowed down and I started to walk toward the exit. I held on tight until the train had fully stopped. The doors slid open and I was the first passenger on the platform. I immediately walked along the train toward the baggage car. A few men were already busy unloading the baggage and I tapped my feet impatiently while I waited for the baby carriage and my suitcase.

‘Maria!’

I turned and my eyes swept over the crowds.

‘Maria!’

She was here!

‘Auntie Be!’

I started to run forgetting all about my luggage. People made room for me as I ran and we soon reached each other.

‘There you are!’

Auntie grabbed my hands and smiled at me happily.

‘Why are you here today? How did you come here?’