Marching Bands Are Just Homeless Orchestras (3 page)

At my daughter’s cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories.

If a mime performs in the forest, and nobody is there to see him, it’s all for the best.

If I were a drug dealer, I’d brand mine “No” and explain to kids that their parents told them to ask for it by name.

I didn’t realize my life was the director’s cut. I don’t need all this extra crap.

The best time to start applying heat and pressure to coal in order to make diamonds is 300 million years ago. The second best time is now.

Life would be easier if I could just breathe coffee. Except for the astronaut helmet full of scalding hot liquid, I guess.

When you order your Thai food extra spicy you are, in essence, giving someone permission to murder you from the inside out.

I accidentally saw a little bit of daytime television. The eye wash station is already paying for itself.

People in movies always seem like they’re having way too much fun when they’re at the movies.

Scientists are close to creating three-parent babies. This is exactly the kind of breakthrough that could save the sitcom.

The problem with throwing a Hulk tantrum at work is the inevitable walk to the parking garage without a shirt.

Business idea: Richard Gere lookalikes wearing white, naval uniforms who pick you up and carry you wherever you want to go.