Marie Sexton - Coda 02 - A to Z (23 page)

“Why the hell else would I ask for it?” I snap. Know he doesn’t deserve it, but the whole thing has me tied in knots. He understands, though. ’Course he does. He just looks at me, searchin’, like he might be able to understand what’s goin’ through my head if he looks hard enough. Want to tell him not to waste his time. I don’t even understand it, and it’s
my
head. No way anyone could expect
him
to sort it out.

“Do you want me to stay?” he asks. I’m glad, too, ’cause I was worried he’d be upset when I asked him to leave.

 

“No. Need to be alone.”

 

“Anything you want, angel.” He kisses me on the forehead. “I’ll go to the store. We’re out of coffee anyway.”

He leaves, and I sit there for a long time, just starin’ at that stupid fuckin’ number in my hand. Just the thought of callin’ makes me a mess. Have to sit with my head down, between my knees, and concentrate on breathin’ for a long time.

Finally get myself together enough to pick up the phone. Can’t believe how fuckin’ nervous I am dialin’ the number. Twice I get halfway through and hang up. The third time it starts to ring and I’m ’bout to hang up again when she answers.

“Hello?”

I was so worried ’bout just makin’ the call, never really thought out what I was gonna say once she answered. I almost say, “Mom?” Almost. But turns out I can’t make that word come out of my mouth, any more than I can tell Zach I love him. Can’t call her by her name, either. For a second I just sit there, sayin’ nothin’ at all.

“Hello?” she says again.
A heartbeat, and then I manage to say, “It’s Angelo.”

Now it’s her turn to not know what to say. I hear her gasp in surprise and then “Angelo? Is it really you?”

 

Seems like a stupid question. Don’t know who the fuck else would call, claimin’ to be me, but I say, “Yeah, it’s really me.”

“Oh, Angelo,” she says, and then she bursts into tears. She just cries for a few seconds, and I wait. But then she takes a couple of deep breaths and says, “I’m so glad you called! I want you to know that I’m sorry about that day at your apartment. That wasn’t the way I wanted it to go.”

“Didn’t figure it was.”
“I’ve been thinking about you.”
“Don’t know why now, after all these years.”

“Angelo, I
never stopped
thinking about you. I understand if you don’t believe me, but I swear that it’s the truth. I’ve thought about you every single day of my life since I left you.” There’s another pause, like she has to get her nerve up, but then she goes on. Her voice is real quiet now. “You don’t have children, so you don’t know what it’s like when they’re little, and they call for you in the night. After I left, I would wake up thinking I heard you call for me. It went on for years. Not every night but often enough. And then one night it happened, I thought I heard you call, and I realized—” she has to stop for a second. She’s cryin’ hard now, and I’m tryin’ not to break down and do the same thing. “I realized it had been six years. You were twelve years old, and you probably hadn’t bothered calling for me for a very long time.”

I’m startin’ to lose it, and I swore to myself I wasn’t gonna let this happen. “
Stop!
”

“Angelo, I could try to explain why I left—”
“Don’t!”
“I know it was wrong—”

“
Will you shut up, already
?” She gasps a little, like I’ve slapped her. I have to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath to calm down, then I say, gentler this time, “Don’t wanna talk ’bout any of that.” Because what’s the point, really? Don’t see any reason for diggin’ up a buncha shit that’s twenty years old.

“Okay.” She sounds confused by that but a little bit relieved too. Guess I can’t blame her. “What would you like to talk about?”

This is the one part I thought about ahead of time. I know exactly what to say. “Me and Zach.” ’Cause we might as well hang up now if we can’t get past this.

“Okay.” Her voice is hesitant. That one word is almost a question.

“I’m not leavin’ him.”
“I would never ask you to, Angelo. But—”
“Stop,” I say, interruptin’ her. “Let me finish.”
It takes her a second, but then she says, “I’m listening.”

“I’m queer, and I can’t change what I am. Just the way it is. You want a chance to get to know me, that’s the first thing you gotta deal with. Second thing is, I’m with Zach. And I don’t plan on changin’ that either. Not ever. And I’m not listenin’ to any lectures ’bout God, or ’bout how it’s a sin, or nothin’ like that. So you gotta decide right now, and you better be sure. ’Cause I’m never talkin’ to you ’bout this again. Whether it’s now or a year from now, the minute you start tryin’ to tell me it’s wrong, I’m hangin’ up the phone for good.”

She’s quiet a long time. So long, I start to think maybe she hung up, and I missed the click. But then she says, “Can I ask one question first?”

That surprises me, but I say, “Guess so.”
“Are you happy?”

That surprises me even more. Not sure what I was expectin’, but not that. It’s not hard for me to answer, though. “Happier now than I’ve ever been.”

“That’s all I really want, Angelo—for you to be happy. I was shocked, at first, and a little upset. But if you’re truly happy—”

“
I am
.”
“—then I can accept it.”

I almost don’t believe it. Truth is, I didn’t expect her to agree so fast. “Are you sure?”

 

But she says without hesitation, “I’m sure.”

 

Two tiny words, but the weight that lifts off my shoulders when she says ’em is enormous.

“You and Zach live in Coda now?” she asks, and I can tell she’s tryin’ real hard to make things feel normal between us. Whatever “normal” is for a mother and son who don’t know each other one bit.

“Yeah.”
“Do you like it there?”

“Love it,” and I’m almost surprised to realize how much I mean it. “Have some good friends here. Matt and Jared. Jared’s family’s here too. Feels kinda like I have a family now too. First time ever.” I hear her breath hitch, and I stop short, realizin’ what I said. “Didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

“It’s okay,” she says gently. “I’m happy for you, Angelo.”

It goes quiet for a while after that. Guess neither of us knows what to say. Finally she takes a deep breath, like she’s gotta get up her nerve again and says, “Angelo, I have time off for Christmas. Would it be okay if I came up to see you?”

“No!” I say, harsher than I meant to. I hear her make a little hiccup sound, like she’s cryin’ again, and I say softer, “Not this year. I’m not sayin’ never. But not yet.”

“Okay,” she says. She’s still snifflin’ but she sounds hopeful too. “Maybe…?” she stops, like she’s afraid to say it but finally does. “Do you think maybe next year?”

“Rather just deal with one year at a time,” I say.
“Can I call?”

I’m startin’ to feel a little overwhelmed now. Feel like I made a pretty big step already. Not sure I’m ready for any more than that. “I don’t know. Gotta think ’bout that first, okay?”

“Okay.” But she sounds happier now. “Angelo, I want so much for us to try to be a family again. I know it’s a lot to ask after all this time. But anything you’re willing to give me, I’ll take it.”

“Not sure how much I can deal with right now.”
“I understand.”

“I’m not very good at this kinda thing. Zach could tell you.” I stop short. Not really sure why I said that.

“You’re doing great, Angelo.”
“Don’t really know what to call you.”

She’s quiet again, then says in a real sad voice, “You can’t call me ‘Mom’?”

 

“No.” I know it hurts her when I say it but nothin’ I can do ’bout that.

“You can call me Nita.”
“That seems wrong too.”
“I’m not sure, then,” she says uncertainly.
“I’m not, either.”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, Angelo. You don’t have to decide right now.”

 

“Guess not.” And for some reason, at that moment, I want to give her
somethin’
. Can’t really explain it, but I do.

“Maybe I can call on Christmas,” I say. It comes out pretty quiet. I think maybe she won’t hear it at all. Almost hope she doesn’t. But she does.

“That would be wonderful!” she says, and she’s cryin’ again, even harder than before, but I can hear that she’s smilin’ too. I can hear in her voice how happy I’ve made her. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. Happy or relieved. Or angry and resentful. So many emotions I can’t possibly sort through them all. It feels like more than I can handle. I feel like I’m drownin’. I need somethin’ to hang onto.
Anything
.

No.
Not
just anything. I need Zach.

Suddenly more than anything, I want him here. I want to call him on his cell and tell him to come home. ’Cause even though he said he was just goin’ out for coffee, I know he’ll want to give me time and space. Probably wander ’round the grocery store all fuckin’ night if I let him. Makes me smile a little, thinkin’ ’bout it.

“I gotta go,” I say.

 

“Okay.” I can tell she’s a little disappointed, but just like Zach, she’s tryin’ not to let it show. “I’m so glad you called, Angelo.”

And I don’t even have to lie when I say, “Me too.” “Goodbye.”
“Bye.”

I’m just about to hang up when she says, “Angelo, wait! Are you still there?”

 

“I’m here.”

“Angelo, I….” She stops, and I know what’s comin’. And more important than that, I realize I wouldn’t stop her from sayin’ it, even if I could. “I love you.”

All I can say is, “I know.”
Zach…

A
NGELO
called me sooner than I expected and told me I could come home. I could tell by his voice that the phone call must have gone okay. When I got there, he was laying on the couch, with Geisha on his chest. She bolted, of course, the minute I came near. He moved his legs enough for me to sit down, and then stretched them out again across my lap.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.

 

He thought about it for a second, then said, “Maybe tomorrow.”

 

“Okay.”

He started watching whatever was on the TV. I wasn’t paying attention. I was looking at his bare feet and the little bit of ankle I could see before the hem of his jeans blocked my view. It still amazed me sometimes how every single inch of him turned me on.

“Ever noticed how in movies and TV shows, everybody’s always carryin’ ’round empty coffee cups?” he asked suddenly, his voice full of amusement.

“No.” I let my fingers brush over the tops of his feet, then up to his ankles.

“Drives me crazy. So fuckin’ stupid. Like you can’t tell watchin’ ’em that the cup’s empty. They’re wavin’ ’em all over the place instead of holdin’ ’em careful, like you do in real life.”

“Uh-huh.” My fingers moved farther up his ankle, then around to the smooth, soft skin of his calf.

“You’re not even listenin’ to me,” he said, but he was smiling at me. I could see in his eyes that he was starting to respond to my touch.

“I am listening.” My fingers were behind his knee now, and his eyes drifted closed. Thank goodness his jeans were so baggy. “I’m just distracted.”

“You’re distractin’ me too,” he said, and I laughed. “Good.”

I moved up then, took his hand, and kissed his palm, then his wrist, then the soft skin on the inside of his elbow. He always thought it was funny, the places I kissed, but I could never get enough of his smooth, dark skin against my lips. I took my time, slowly letting my fingers and my lips explore. Then I moved to the other arm.

He head was back, his eyes closed. He was quiet of course, only his quickened breathing to give away his arousal. But I knew him so well by now. I knew what he liked.

I pushed up his shirt, just barely brushed my lips against his stomach.

“How do you it, Zach?” he asked breathlessly.
“Do what?” I asked as I started to unbutton his pants. “Make me like this, without even really touchin’ me?” I smiled and kissed his stomach. “Like what?”

“So fuckin’ turned on, I’m gonna lose it the minute you touch me for real.”

 

“I don’t know,” I said as I moved my lips lower, “but I like it.”

He laughed a little, but then I pulled his jeans down, and his laughter died out and turned into something that was almost a moan. I pulled his boxers down, too, so his erection was free, but I still didn’t touch it. I teased him as long as I could, kissing him everywhere else, sometimes barely brushing his groin with my hand, until he hissed at me, “Zach!”

I ran my tongue up his shaft and felt him shiver. My lips barely brushed his head. Before I could do anything else he grabbed my hair with both hands and pushed down. His hips thrust up, and that was all it took. His orgasm hit him so fast—much faster than usual—and I let him hold me there, as far down his shaft as I could go, until it was over. When he finally let go of me, I kissed his stomach and said jokingly, “I thought you were kidding when you said you’d explode the minute I touched you for real.”

He looked down at me in surprise, and for a split second, I thought I had offended him. And then, without any warning at all, he burst out laughing. It took me completely off guard. It was something I had never really heard from him—the kind of laughter that you can’t control, no matter what. The kind that comes from way down deep and somehow changes everything. He put his head in his hands and laughed hysterically, without explanation. It went on so long that I started to worry. It seemed like he was only laughing because it was the only thing he would allow himself to do. When he finally stopped, there were tears in his eyes. He lay back on the couch trying to catch his breath.

“Everything okay?” I asked lightly.
He sighed and said, “Man, I needed that.”
“The blow job or the laughter?”

“Both.” I laid my head on his stomach, and his fingers started to comb through my hair. “Neither.”

“What does that mean?”
“I just needed you, Zach.”
He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I

could only tighten my arms around him and kiss his soft stomach. “There’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for you, angel.” “I know.”

For a while we lay like that: me with my head on his stomach and him staring wordlessly at the ceiling. I was actually halfway asleep when he suddenly sat up, which caused me to sit up too. He pushed me backward on the couch, so our positions were reversed. Now I was on my back, and he was halfway on top of me. He started to unbutton my pants.