Marie Sexton - Coda 02 - A to Z (7 page)

“I’d still like for you to come,” I said quietly.

 

“No fuckin’ way. Not if he’s goin’.” His voice was gentler now. “I’ll cover the store so you don’t have to close.”

 

“Are you still coming over tonight?” I knew he would leave before Tom showed up. If he showed up.

 

“Sure. I got the perfect movie picked out.”

 

The “perfect movie” ended up being
American Beauty
. “I don’t get it,” I said at the end.

“It’s about desire. Sometimes what you think you want isn’t what you
really
want.” He glanced over at me, and a blush started to creep up his cheeks, but he kept talking. “See, the cheerleader just wants to be wanted. And the daughter wants to be loved for who she is. But Kevin Spacey, that’s who
you
should think about. ’Cause he thinks he wants his wife to respect him, but what he really wants is to respect himself. And he thinks he wants the cheerleader, ’cause of who he thinks she is. But then he finds out she’s not what he thought, and that means what he wanted wasn’t real, either.”

I was impressed. I hadn’t realized he was going for specific themes. “Trying to tell me something, Angelo?” I asked lightly. He didn’t answer. He finished his beer and sat looking down at the empty bottle in his hand.

“How old are you, Ang?”
He looked up at me in surprise. “Twenty-seven.”

That was actually older than I thought he was, and I realized it was the fact that he seemed to not have to shave that made him look younger than he was. Still seven years younger than me. It seemed like a long time since I had been twenty-seven. He had been supporting himself for more than ten years. I thought back to when I was his age—I had only been a few years out of college.

“Stop it,” Angelo said reprovingly.
“Stop what?”
“Thinkin’ that I’m so young and you’re so old.”

I had to laugh at how he magically seemed to know what I was thinking. “I specifically remember
you
making a reference to my ‘long, lost youth’.”

His eyes met mine and they weren’t laughing at all. “You’re not old, Zach. You gotta quit actin’ like your life is over.”

Was that how I acted?
He glanced at the clock. It was almost nine. “I gotta go.”

I knew he wanted to leave before Tom showed up. “You can stay longer. I’m sure he’ll be late.”

 

“I’m sure he will too. The fuckin’ stupid thing is, you’re not even pissed about it.”

 

“Ang—”

 

“See you tomorrow, Zach.”
…Angelo
T
OM
’
S
comin’ over tonight, which means I’ll definitely leave early.

No way do I want to pass that guy on the stairs, knowin’ he’s on his way to be with Zach. I know it’s none of my business who Zach sleeps with. Still, makes me nuts to think of them together. Can’t stand to think of Tom touchin’ Zach or kissin’ him or fuckin’ him. I tell myself I only feel this way ’cause Tom’s an asshole and Zach is my friend. Can’t be more to it than that.

I’m headed for the door when I see the condoms. Brand new box of ’em sittin’ on the counter. I’m glad Zach’s bein’ careful, but at the same time, I feel some kind of madness buildin’ in me, knowin’ what they mean.

Why should that stupid fuckin’ box make me want to scream and cry and rage and stomp my feet on the floor like a goddamn kid? Why do I want to rail at Zach, bolt the door, and pretend none of it is real? Must be ’cause Zach’s gettin’ some, and I’m not. Truth is, it’s been a long time for me. A long time since I let anyone touch me. Before I have time to think about it much, I open the box, take two, and stick them in my pocket. Haven’t been to a club in almost a year, but I know I’m goin’ tonight.

Clubs are easy for me. I look younger than I am and I’m pretty small. Lots of guys seem to dig that. Always been able to take my pick.

Years ago I did this all the time. Almost every night. If someone handed me a drink, I drank it. A joint, I smoked it. A pill, I swallowed it. Ended up in lots of bad situations with all kinds of people. Woke up in places I didn’t recognize. Then one night I went home with a guy. He wasn’t the type I usually went for. He was a big jock type. Pushy. Knew in my gut it was a bad fuckin’ idea. He gave me that vibe—same vibe I get from Tom—but I was drunk and lookin’ to score. We agreed on oral before leavin’ the club, but once we got to his place he wanted somethin’ else. Didn’t want to take no for an answer, either. Things got pretty intense for a bit. In the end I got away, and I’m pretty sure that guy ended up with a broken nose and a sore sac. Still scared the shit out of me.

Didn’t go back to the clubs for a long time after that. Saved money for weeks to afford the tests at the clinic. Lucky as hell they all came back clean. That’s when I quit clubbin’.

Mostly.
Thing is, there’s times when jackin’ off just isn’t quite enough.

Since that night I got rules. First rule: I never take anybody back to my place. Won’t go to their place either, unless they live within walkin’ distance. Don’t want to have to rely on anybody for a ride home. I’ll go to their car, if they have one. Best bet is to pick one of the guys who work at the club, ’cause they can get us to one of the back rooms.

Not tonight, though. Tonight I got a guy picked out. He’s sittin’ with some friends lookin’ way out of place. The club’s almost industrial. These guys look like they just wandered in off the fuckin’ golf course. They’re all starin’ around with huge eyes and nervous smiles. Slummin’, I guess. What the fuck ever. My guy’s got dark brown hair. Like Zach’s. But I’m not thinkin’ ’bout him. Wearin’ one of those stupid fuckin’ shirts with the little horses on it. Like Zach. I’m still not thinkin’ ’bout him.

I lean against the bar and just stare at him. Know it sounds stupid, but it always works. Doesn’t take long for him to see me. When he does, he actually turns around and looks behind him, to see if I’m lookin’ at somebody else. I smile and wave him over. He’s probably in his late thirties, and he’s gettin’ a little heavy around the middle. Don’t matter. Not like I’m gonna be lookin’ at him.

“Hey,” he says when he gets to me. Then he stops, ’cause he obviously has no fuckin’ clue what he’s supposed to say next. “We don’t gotta bullshit,” I tell him. “Want to go for a little walk with me?”

 

His eyes get big. Brown eyes. Not like Zach’s. That’s good. ’Cause I’m not thinkin’ ’bout him.

 

“Sure.” He glances back at his friends, who are just starin’ at us like we’re the fuckin’ main event. “Let me tell my friends—” “Don’t bother. You’ll be comin’ right back.”

I can’t tell if he’s disappointed by that or not. Don’t really care. He follows me out of the club. I take him down the street to a coffee shop. Never much business this time of night. The bathrooms are big and clean and not the type with the stalls. These are meant for one person at a time and the doors lock. For a nice tip, the baristas will look the other way and leave you alone as long as you want. I know a bathroom ain’t exactly romantic, but nobody here’s lookin’ for romance. The girl workin’ tonight has blue streaks in her hair and lots of metal in her face. I slip her a twenty, and she winks at me.

My guy follows me in without a word, and I lock the door. He leans against the wall and looks at me like he just won the fuckin’ lottery. Guess maybe he did. He’s waitin’ for me to tell him what to do. I like that. Not that I want to be some kind of domineerin’ asshole, but I won’t let guys push me around when it comes to sex. I gotta call the shots.

I know instinctively Zach would let me. But I’m not thinkin’ ’bout him.

More rules now. I don’t let them kiss me. Never let them fuck me. Won’t tell them my name, even though they always ask. They usually tell me theirs, but I don’t listen.

Right on cue, he says, “What’s your name?”

 

“Dave.” I pull a condom out of my pocket and hand it to him. “Gotta wear it.”

“Sure. Okay.” Poor guy’s so nervous, he’s startin’ to sweat a little. He just stands there lookin’ at the little foil package like it might blow up in his hands.

I make myself smile. I push close to him and start to undo his pants. “It’s okay, man. Just relax. I’ll take care of everything.”

He’s not exactly relaxin’, but I can see the anticipation in his eyes. Arousal is startin’ to win out over nervousness. I get his pants out of the way. He’s already completely hard. I stroke him a few times with my hands, ’til he quits bein’ freaked out and starts to roll with it. His eyes close and his breathin’ starts to speed up. Then I put the condom on.

“Hey.” I wait for him to open his eyes and look at me. “You touch my head, I’ll leave you here with a bad fuckin’ case of blue balls. Got it?”

He nods. Good enough.

I get down in front of him and start. I’m good at this. Don’t ask me why, ’cause I don’t know. I can swallow a guy pretty deep. Guess that’s part of it. Seems like that can’t be all of it, but like I said, I don’t know. This guy definitely likes it. As soon as I start, he says, “Holy fuck!” He actually starts to reach for my head, too, but then he catches himself and puts both of his hands behind his back.

I do my best to make it good for him, especially since he didn’t argue with me about the condom. I don’t take him to the edge right away. I let him get real close a couple of times, then back off. Even use my fingers on his rim a little bit. When he finally comes, he cries out and grabs my shoulders so hard, I think I might end up with bruises. I don’t mind. He didn’t touch my head. That’s all I really care about.

Afterward I rinse out my mouth while he’s still catchin’ his breath. Finally he looks over at me, and if he thought he’d won the lotto before, now he looks like he just found out the payout is twice what he originally thought.

“What would you like?” he asks.

 

“Same thing.” I pull out a condom and offer it to him. “It’s up to you whether I wear this or not.”

He shakes his head. He’s already gettin’ down in front of me and undoin’ my pants. “You can grab all you want,” he says. “I don’t mind.” And then he starts. I close my eyes, and just let myself drift away with the feelin’ of his lips on me. It’s been so fuckin’ long, I almost forgot how good it feels. Can’t remember right now why I don’t let this happen more often. He said I could grab him, and I do. I hold on tight, feel that dark brown hair in my hands, and tell myself over and over again I’m not gonna think about Zach.

But in the end, I do.

I imagine it’s his dark hair tangled around my fingers and his mouth on me and his hands hangin’ on tight to my hips. I wonder how it would feel to let him kiss me. And then I come like I haven’t done in years.

“Fuck!” It comes out almost a yell, and I know I sound pissed as hell.

“What’s wrong?” I look at the guy, and I immediately feel bad. He looks embarrassed and a little bit sad. He thinks I’m disappointed.

I make myself smile again. After all it’s not his fault. “Nothin’ wrong, man.” I get my pants done up and make sure I keep smilin’. “Just really needed that.”
That makes him smile again.

We leave the coffee shop. Feels like I should say somethin’, so I say, “Have a good night.” Before he can say anything back, I turn and walk away. Not toward the club. I’m walkin’ the other way, headed for the gas station, where my shift starts in twenty minutes.

Now I really let myself think about Zach. Can’t let this go on anymore. Never goin’ back to that store. Not ever gonna see him again. I know that’s what I need to do. Just gotta stop now, before I fall for him so fuckin’ hard I can’t ever give him up.

I tell myself that’s what I’m gonna do.

 

I know I’m full of shit. I know it’s already too late.
Zach…

I
FELT
bad when Angelo left. I hated feeling like he was disappointed in me. And I had to admit, I was starting to wonder if maybe he was right. For better or worse, I ended up having extra time to think that night.

Tom was forty minutes late.

“Hey, baby,” he said as soon he was in the door. He kissed me, then started undoing my shirt. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“Don’t you want a drink or something?” I asked in annoyance, as he took off my shirt and started undoing his own. “I have wine.” He grabbed me and pulled me against him, his hands going to my ass and squeezing hard. “No, baby. I just want you.” “Do you have any interest in me, beyond sex?”

“Of course I do, baby. How can you ask that? I’m crazy about you.” He kissed me again. “I’m just so hot for you tonight, I can’t stand it. I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

I wanted to push the issue. I wanted to make him spend time with me out of bed first. But as he kissed me more, I couldn’t help but respond to him. He was so good-looking, and his body was amazing. I wanted him. Even now. I hated myself for it a little bit, but my body didn’t care about my pride.

He kissed me more as he unbuttoned his pants, then took my hand and placed it on his erect cock.

 

“Zach, please don’t make me wait. I can’t stand it tonight. I need to come.”

 

“Tell me what you want,” I said in resignation, knowing as I said it that I would never hear him say it back.

 

“Your mouth.”

I dropped to my knees in front of him and pulled his pants down out of the way. I ran my tongue up the bottom of his shaft and around his head. Then I took him in my mouth as far as I could. He was rocking into me, and he grabbed my head with both hands. “Baby, let me do it. Let me fuck your mouth.” I nodded. His grip tightened, and he started pumping in and out of my mouth. I kept one hand on the bottom of his shaft to keep him from gagging me. I got my pants undone, pulled my cock out with my free hand, and started stroking myself in time with his thrusts.

“Oh, baby. God, that’s good. You make me so fucking hot.” Of course he was talking, another endless stream of meaningless words. His grip on my head was tight, and even with my hand holding him, he was slamming into my mouth pretty hard. But it was working for me too. Knowing he wanted me that much was a wonderful aphrodisiac, and I gripped my cock tighter, kept stroking, feeling my own orgasm growing closer.

“That’s it, baby. That’s it. Oh God.” He was panting hard. When I glanced up at him, I could see a sheen of sweat on his face. “That’s it, baby. Goddamn, your mouth is so sweet. I love to see those blue eyes while I fuck your mouth.” The look on his face was a little bit vulgar, very arrogant, and not at all pleasant. I closed my eyes again, pushed it out of my mind. “I’m close, baby. I’m gonna come soon.” I thought undiplomatically how this was the longest he had ever lasted with me. Too bad we hadn’t actually made it to the bedroom.