Marie Sexton - Coda 02 - A to Z (11 page)

’Course I’m right. At the end, he looks over at me and says, “I liked that one.” He sounds amazed.

“I picked it for you. It’s all ’bout standin’ up for yourself. ’Course there’s more to it than that. It’s about tyranny and what happens when people give up freedom for security. But it’s also ’bout decidin’ to fight for what you want.” I look over at him. Look into those amazin’ blue eyes. “You gotta decide what you want to fight for, Zach.”

Zach…

L
IFE
went on, for a little while, at least. Business at the store had picked up over the last few weeks, and I knew I had Angelo to thank for it. He knew everybody’s name and what kind of movies they liked. They always asked for suggestions, and he always gave them. The fact that people could actually find what they were looking for didn’t hurt either.

Tom called once. I saw his name on the caller ID and didn’t answer. He left a message. “Hey, baby. I’m drawing up leases this week. I want to give you one more chance. Just give me a call, and we can work everything out. I promise.”

I didn’t call him back.

Two weeks later, I received a new lease in the mail. My rent had almost doubled. Failure to sign meant I had to quit the premises by the end of the month. That gave me about three weeks. There was a sticky note on top which said:
We can still fix this. Call me.—T
.

“What happens now?” Angelo asked when I showed it to him. “I have no idea.”
Ruby and Jeremy came in at the same time.
“What’s wrong?” Jeremy asked.
“I’m being evicted.”
He looked shocked, but Ruby just nodded. “Me too.” “You’re not, Jeremy?”

He shook his head. “No. Tom mentioned the rent might go up. But the lease that came today is for the same amount as always. Sensei said his went up a little but not too much.” I had to wonder if it was coincidence that the two straight men were the ones not being evicted. Or maybe it was more a matter of Sensei’s black belt and Jeremy’s seat on the city council.

“You gonna fight that asshole?” Angelo asked Ruby.

She smiled at him. “No reason to, dear. I was planning to retire after Christmas and move to Florida with my sister. This just means I’ll move a little sooner.”

We barely talked the rest of the day. It was like we both felt some dark, ominous beast dogging our steps, just waiting for us to let our guard down. At the end of the day, Angelo showed up at my door. He had been coming over almost every night. I didn’t even ask him anymore. It just seemed to go without saying that he would be there.

“Thought you might like company.”

 

“You thought right.” He blushed and turned away. “What are we watching tonight?”

 

“
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
. Wanted to find somethin’ happy, but,” he said with a shrug, “this one seemed appropriate.”

I vaguely remembered reading the book in high school, but all I could really remember was a nurse with blond hair and big boobs. “What’s it about?”

“How people will do bad stuff to get control over you. But I think maybe it’s about hope too.”

“It’ll be great, Ang.” I had an urge to hug him, but I knew he would never tolerate that. Instead I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed the side of his head. He turned red and pushed me away, which made me laugh. “I’ll order pizza.”
“Get jalapenos.”

“Only on your half.”

He was in an unusually somber mood. He wasn’t laughing or joking at all as we watched the movie, and I had no idea if I should try to talk to him or just leave him alone. Finally he looked over at me and said, “What you gonna do, Zach?”

“I have no idea. I imagine I’ll have to close the store.” “Can’t just move?”

“I guess I could. But I’ll never find another location as cheap as that place was. My profit margin is pretty small. I’m just not sure it’s worth it.” He looked more upset about it than I was. “It’s true what I told Matt. It’s amazing I’ve managed to stay in business this—”

“Matt!” he suddenly said.

The way he said it, I actually thought for half a second that Matt had walked into the room. I barely managed to stop myself from turning around to see if he was behind me. “What?”

He was really getting excited now. “Matt! And Jared! They have a location. Remember? We should call them! You should go check it out. Jared said it’s just sittin’ there. His family owns it. They might give you a good deal. And they said there’s no movie rental place in Cobra. Or Cola. Or whatever fuckin’ town they live in!”

“Coda?”
“Yeah!”

His excitement was infectious. I couldn’t help but smile. “Are you serious?”

“Why not?” He pulled his wallet out, dug through it, and finally pulled out a coffee receipt with Matt’s number on it. “I’m gonna call him right now.”

He disappeared into the kitchen for a bit, and when he came back out, he was smiling. “Hope you don’t have any plans this weekend.”

T
WO
days later, we put the top down on my old Mustang and took the winding mountain road to Coda. We left early. It was a gorgeous day; the sun was shining, the sky bright blue. As we climbed higher into the Rockies, we saw patches of aspen, their leaves just starting to turn.

Angelo was obviously thrilled. Partly I thought it was because he wanted to see Matt again, but it also seemed that he was excited just to be leaving Arvada. We were almost to Coda when he suddenly asked, “How far to Rocky Mountain National Park from here?”

“Maybe thirty minutes,” I told him. “Why?”
He shrugged, smiling at me. “Never been there.”

I was stunned. “You’ve lived in Denver your whole life and never been to Rocky Mountain National Park?” I asked in shock.

I regretted it immediately. His smile disappeared, and even though he turned away from me, I could see the blush creeping over his cheeks.

The truth is, the park isn’t something locals bother with often. We take out-of-state visitors there, but other than that, we tend to forget about it. I hadn’t been there myself in more than ten years. When I thought about his childhood, growing up in foster homes, it wasn’t any wonder that nobody had bothered to take him there.

“Do you have cell phone reception here?” I asked him. He looked over at me in surprise. “Think so. Why?” “Call Matt and tell him we’ll be late.” The smile he gave me made the whole day brighter.

We didn’t have time to drive all the way through the park, but we did the lower section. I tried not to laugh at Angelo’s face when we saw a herd of elk. “Never knew they were so big,” he said in awe. Then we walked around Bear Lake, and he marveled at how cold the water was.

“It was snow not too long ago,” I reminded him, and he laughed. He was having so much fun, like a little kid, that I hated to break the mood. “We should go,” I said to him finally.

He nodded but didn’t look at me. “Like to come back and see the rest someday,” he said quietly.

“We will,” I told him, and he smiled at me.
“Thanks for bringin’ me, Zach.”

We took the twisted road back to Coda. It was a nice little town, a mile off the highway, tucked in between two pine-covered slopes. We checked into a motel—sharing a room with two beds— and then I called Jared.

“Perfect timing!” he said. “The game starts in twenty minutes. Come on over.”

 

“What game?” Angelo asked me when I told him. I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I don’t pay any attention to sports. “Baseball, maybe?”

“Is it baseball season?”
“I think so. Isn’t the World Series usually around Halloween?” He shrugged back. “It’s hockey season, too, right?” I had no idea.

Jared was in the shower when we got there. Matt let us in the front door. He was sweaty and covered in dirt. He clapped me on the back hard enough to knock my breath out and actually hugged Angelo, who practically disappeared in his huge arms.

“What the hell happened to your leg?” Ang asked him. Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. “Crashed.”

“Crashed what?” Angelo asked.
“My mountain bike. We just got back.”
“You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?”

He laughed. “Something like that, actually. It’s not a successful ride if you don’t bleed.” He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic, “You guys ride?” Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a “no.” “Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer’s in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff’s in ten minutes.”

“Football?” Angelo asked.

Matt looked at him like he had just asked if the sky was really blue. “Yeah! First game of the regular season!” We just stared blankly at him, and he laughed and disappeared down the hall.

Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. “Four fags watchin’ football. Must be pretty fuckin’ cold in hell right now.”
…Angelo

M
ATT
and Jared take the couch across from the TV. There’s another couch, too, but Zach and I do what we always do—sit on the floor in front of it. Matt and Jared are completely engrossed in the game. It’s the Broncos and the Chargers. Lived in Denver my whole life, so ’course I know ’bout the Broncos, but never really cared ’bout them one way or the other. Don’t know who the Chargers are, at all. Jared’s a huge Broncos fan. Matt claims to hate both teams, ’cause they’re both in the AFC West. I don’t bother to ask what that means or why it makes him hate them. Despite hatin’ ’em, he’s cheerin’ for the Chargers ’cause he and Jared have dish duty for the next week ridin’ on the game. They’re razzin’ each other and throwin’ shit at each other, and I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten we’re there at all.

Zach and I start out at opposite ends of the couch, but we figure out quick that our constant chatter is annoyin’ to Matt and Jared, so I move over and sit next to him. As the game goes on, we end up closer. Don’t know if it’s me movin’ closer or him. Our legs are touchin’. His arm’s on the couch behind me. He leans over to say somethin’ in my ear, and I feel his hand on my shoulder, pullin’ me closer to him.

I want him so much. He’s talkin’, but I’m not even hearin’ him. All I can think ’bout is his hand on my shoulder, his thigh against mine, his lips almost touchin’ my ear. He smells so good. I want to kiss him. It would be so easy to just turn my head and put my lips against his. My hand is on my knee, and I slide it over an inch or two, onto his thigh. He doesn’t seem to notice. Can I move it higher? Will he notice then? Will he tell me to stop?

“
Touchdown!
” Jared yells suddenly, then turns and pounces on Matt. Zach and I haven’t been watchin’ the game, and we both jump.

Just like that, the moment’s over. Zach’s laughin’ at Matt and Jared, and I take my hand away. Move an inch or two away from him. Try to make my heart stop racin’. Try to make my erection go away. Try to make myself stop lovin’ him.

Two outta three ain’t bad, right?

We get back to the room, climb into our separate beds. He falls asleep almost immediately, his breathin’ slow and regular. I lay awake for a long time. Can’t stop thinkin’ ’bout him. Wish I had a way to show him how much it meant to me, what he did today, takin’ me to the park. I know he thinks it was nothin’. But nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before. It just makes me want him more.

I could go to him. Get out of my bed. Take two steps and get into his. Just kiss him, push my body against his, move my hand down his bare stomach, and I know he’ll respond. I know he won’t say no. Two small steps and he’ll be mine.

For tonight, that is.

The question is, what happens tomorrow? Will he laugh it off as a one-time fuck? Will he give me the let’s-just-be-friends speech? Will he pretend it never happened and spend the rest of the trip refusin’ to make eye contact? All of those things seem equally possible. And equally unbearable. If I didn’t love him, it would be so simple. A few nights together in this room, sharin’ a bed, and then on with my life. He’d move to Coda. I’d go back home….

And suddenly, it hits me.

 

We’re here in Coda so Zach can decide if he wants to move here. And if that happens, I’ll probably never see him again. I have to force myself to keep breathin’. Try to force my heart to beat again. How can I live without him?

There’s still a chance he won’t decide to move to Coda after all. I hold on to that thought. But if he does? We could spend our last nights in Coda as lovers. But will that only make it harder when I have to let him go?

I think about it a long time, but in the end, decide to stay in my own bed. If I only get a couple more weeks with him, I don’t want to ruin them by makin’ things weird between us. But I don’t intend to let him walk out of my life without ever touchin’ him or kissin’ him or havin’ him either. If I have to give him up forever, I will. But I intend to make sure that our last night together is worth rememberin’.

I sleep late the next mornin’. When I wake up, Zach’s just comin’ back in the room with donuts and coffee. Jared’s family can’t meet with Zach ’til later, so we waste most of the mornin’ loungin’ ’round the motel room, watchin’
Jaws
on TV, then eventually meet Matt and Jared for lunch.

“You’re out with your department?” Zach asks Matt. “Yes.”
“That doesn’t cause trouble for you?”

He shrugs. “A little at first, but it’s fine now. One of the older cops still won’t talk to me, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone else is cool.”

“What about the rest of the town? I imagine it’s hard being gay in a town this small.”

Jared shakes his head. “Most people here are okay with it. I’ve lived here my whole life, except the years I spent in college. I think they’re all used to it by now. Don’t get me wrong—you’ll be the talk of the town for a week or two. But they’ll get over it.”

We finish lunch, and Matt says he has to go to work.

“See you two tomorrow,” he says to Zach and me, and then he turns to Jared. He doesn’t kiss him when he leaves. Instead he reaches over and grabs a handful of Jared’s hair, tugs on it a little while they smile into each other’s eyes. The contact between them only lasts a second. Yet I see a lot in that little gesture: possessiveness, desire, tenderness, and love. It’s incredibly intimate, and I have to look away.

I hate them both so much at that moment.