Read Marie Sexton - Coda 02 - A to Z Online
Authors: Marie Sexton
lunch, we went to see the store. Jared was there of course, along with his brother Brian and Brian’s wife, Lizzy. Brian looked just like Jared, except his hair was darker, and he had obviously had his cut sometime in the last three years. Lizzy was all smiles and flashing blue eyes and frizzy blonde hair, and I couldn’t help but like her. It was also immediately apparent that she was in charge. Brian and Jared deferred to her on everything.
The store was huge. The main room was twice the size of my store in Denver, with windows all around. There was another room in back that was about half that size, plus an office, two bathrooms, and a mop room.
“It’s perfect,” Angelo said. But there was something in the way he said it, like he was disappointed. When I looked over at him, he wouldn’t look at me.
“We’ve been trying to rent it or sell it, but nobody’s needed it yet,” Lizzy told me. “We own it, so it’s not like it’s costing us anything to keep it here empty. Still, we’d love to have you here, Zach. Why don’t you and Angelo come over for dinner tonight, and we can talk about it?”
I looked over at Angelo, to get his reaction to the dinner invitation, but he still wouldn’t meet my eyes. “That sounds great,” I said to Lizzy. She and Brian left. Jared insisted that we ride with him. I tried to talk to Ang on the way to the car.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’.” But I knew he was lying.
“What do you think about the store?” I asked.
“Not really up to me, is it?”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t value your opinion.” He didn’t answer, and there wasn’t any more time for me to talk to him without having Jared listen in.
Jared took us on a roundabout route to Lizzy and Brian’s house, showing us most of the small town on the way. We finally arrived at their house. Lizzy met us at the door, with their son James, who was not quite a year old, in her arms. We were then introduced to Jared’s mom, Susan, and Matt’s mom, Lucy. I knew from my conversations with Jared at Folk Fest that his father had passed away years before, but I was surprised to learn that Matt’s mom Lucy lived with Lizzy and Brian. Nobody mentioned his dad, and I wondered if Lucy was a widow too.
Angelo was obviously overwhelmed by Jared’s family. I could tell that he was suddenly self-conscious of everything he said. He barely spoke at all. He was wary of Lizzy and seemed terrified of Lucy and Susan. It reminded me of his first encounter with Ruby, when he practically knocked over a shelving unit trying to get away from her. It seemed strange until I thought about his past. Being shuffled through foster homes. He obviously didn’t know how to respond to women at all. Their efforts to draw him out only made him more uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to make him relax, especially since he was still avoiding me too.
Finally, after dinner, we got down to business. We started talking about rent. “I might have to get a loan,” I told Lizzy. “I have enough for a deposit, but with moving costs, a deposit, and first month’s rent on a place to live, I’m going to be stretched pretty thin.”
I was shocked. “Lizzy, I couldn’t ask you to do that.” “You didn’t.” She smiled. “So it’s a deal.”
She stood up and walked away from the table, into the kitchen, and I was trying to figure out what had just happened. Jared smiled at me. “Get used to that,” he said. “Lizzy always gets her way.”
After dessert, Angelo, Lizzy, and I piled back into Jared’s car and drove back to the store, where my car was parked. Now that I had decided to go forward with the plan, I wanted to see it again, so we went back inside. It was all happening so fast, and yet, I couldn’t see any reason to delay. I only had two more weeks before I had to vacate my premises in Denver.
The entire interior needed to be painted, and we decided to start the next day. I figured we could get the store ready, find a place to live, and then go back to Denver long enough to tie up loose ends. Then we would rent a truck to bring the shelves and our furniture. The more we talked about it, the more excited I got. Angelo, on the other hand, didn’t say a word.
“What are you going to do with all this extra space, Ang?” I asked finally as I looked around. “You’ll be able to double our collection.”
He was silent so long, I finally looked over at him, and the look on his face surprised me. I had never seen him look so vulnerable. “You think I’m gonna commute or somethin’?” It wasn’t his usual smartass tone either. He sounded hurt. And pissed.
I tried to readjust the picture in my head, but this time, without him in it. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t find another employee. Maybe even one that I liked as much as I liked him. One who knew all the shit about movies that I didn’t know. One that would hang out with me after work and engage me in conversations that inevitably left me feeling two steps behind and eat Thai food that was so spicy it scared me.
All of a sudden, I wasn’t excited any more. What had seemed like a good idea only minutes before now seemed crazy and reckless. And lonely. I didn’t want to do it without him.
What did he have to keep him in Denver? He didn’t have any family, and he certainly wasn’t attached to his night job at the gas station.
Something flared up in his eyes. Rage. Or pain. Or— something I couldn’t identify. Whatever it was it was directed at me. “Why the fuck would you think that, Zach?” Lizzy suddenly retreated to the back room of the store. Jared stayed where he was.
“You thought I’d come with you?!” His voice was getting louder. He was almost yelling. “You never even fuckin’ ask me? You just assume I’m gonna quit my job and break my lease. You think I’m just gonna follow you here like a goddamn lost dog? Like I need your charity?”
“I know it was my fuckin’ idea!!” And if I thought he was yelling before, he was absolutely raging now. “You think I’m so stupid I can’t remember? Think I don’t know I’m the one suggested you leave? Think I can’t put two and two together, Zach? Is that what you think?”
“Sometimes I hate you, Zach. I hate how you just assume I’m gonna come over and I’m gonna go places with you and I’m gonna move to this shithole town with you! You think I’m just gonna be sittin’ around my whole life, waitin’ for you to tell me what to do next, Zach? Well, I’m not! I can’t stand it anymore!”
“Angelo, stop!” He actually did. He quit raging at me and put his head in his hands. I kept talking, before he could start yelling at me again. “I’m sorry! Whatever I did, Ang, I’m sorry. Just tell me what I did, because, I’m really lost right now. I don’t know why you’re so mad. I….” I was thinking fast. I could never keep up with him. “I should have asked, Ang. I should have realized. I just, I thought this was what you wanted. Of course you don’t have to move here. Of course—”
I just stood there, staring at the spot he had been standing in. I didn’t know if I should go after him. I didn’t know anything. I finally looked at Jared.
I know I shouldn’t have gone off on Zach like that. It’s not his fault. It’s my fault. The whole fuckin’ thing is my fault. I’m the one who thought to call Matt. I’m the one who suggested Zach move here.
I was so sure last night that I’d be able to let him go. But all day, as we talked ’bout him movin’ here, it’s just been eatin’ at me more and more. I don’t want to lose him. I want more than one night with him. All that shit I said to him—only reason I was so crazy mad was ’cause it’s all true. He
is
my whole life. I got nothin’ else. Pinned all my happiness on him, and now he’s gonna leave me.
I know I can move too. I can follow him. Just don’t know if I should. Is it better to be here with him, seein’ him but never havin’ him? Or is it better to be alone?
I don’t want a ride, but don’t want to be rude, either, and it’s pretty clear Lizzy isn’t the type to give up. I get in her car. She doesn’t say a word all the way to the motel, but just as I’m gettin’ out, she says, “He’ll come around.”
She acts like she didn’t hear me. “You know what’s really funny, Angelo? I had this exact same conversation with Jared once about Matt. I told him Matt would come around. He didn’t believe me either, but I was right.” She turns to me and smiles like she’s some kind of oracle grantin’ me a fuckin’ blessin’. “I’m right this time too.”
I just shake my head at her. Get out of her car. Go into our room. Take a scorchin’ hot shower. Let all that anger just wash away. What I’m left with is an achin’ hole inside me that feels worse than the anger did. I climb into bed and bury myself down deep under the covers. When Zach comes in, I don’t say a word.
I’d been thinking a lot about what Jared said. I didn’t think I was an asshole, which meant I was blind. I just had to figure out what it was that I was supposed to be seeing.
I had never seen Angelo as mad as he was tonight. The closest was that day with Tom, when Tom delivered his little ultimatum. There was also that day he tried to quit his job at A to Z. I never did figure out what that was all about. I struggled to think back. What had happened the day before that? I had asked him to go to Folk Fest with me, and he said yes. But then Tom decided to go instead. When Angelo left my house that night, we thought Tom was going with me, and Angelo was staying home.
I thought about some of the things he had said when he was yelling at me. “You think you’re my whole fuckin’ life, Zach?” Of course I didn’t think that. Did he really believe that was how I felt? Why would he think that? Obviously because I thought he was coming with me. I shouldn’t have assumed that. And yet coming here was his idea. He had said, “You think I don’t know I’m the one who suggested you leave?” He suggested it. Yet now that it was coming to fruition, he was mad. At me. Because I would be leaving.
It didn’t seem possible. And yet it made sense. All the time he spent with me. His hatred of Tom. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was true. I thought about the night before, when I had felt his hand on my thigh. I hadn’t thought much about it at the time. I had figured he himself hadn’t even realized it was there. Now I had to wonder.
Suddenly I was ridiculously aware of him in the room with me, in the bed right next to mine. I could hear him breathing. I could actually smell the shampoo he had used in the shower. I suddenly wanted to know what he was wearing, under the covers. I wondered what would happen if I slid into bed next to him and touched him. I suddenly wanted more than anything to kiss him. I started to get hard, just thinking about it.
“I’ll still help you paint, Zach. And I’ll help you move.” “Ang….”
“I can’t, Zach. I just can’t.”
I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about any more, but he sounded so sad, so defeated. I wished I was smarter or braver. I wished I could go to him. Instead I said simply, “Anything you want, Ang.”
A minute later I could tell he really was asleep.
next morning was awkward. He was trying to pretend like nothing had changed. Or maybe that was me. I was hyper-aware of everything he did. Every move he made. It was all I could do not to touch him. I wanted to hold him. I was scared to even look at him.
Once we were at the store, it got worse. Jared brought a sixpack of Dr Pepper and a couple of fans, and we started painting. Even with the doors open and the fans on, it was hot. Angelo had his shirt off, and I was surprised by how distracting it was. As the hours crept past, I found my eyes drawn to him over and over again. When we first met, I had simply thought he was a punk. That had changed as we became friends. Still, I wondered why it had never occurred to me to really look at him.
He was rail-thin, but his arms were roped with taut muscles. His skin was dark and he had very little hair on his body. He had a starburst pattern tattooed around his navel and another one between his shoulder blades. His pants hung low on his hips. If they were even an inch lower, I was sure I would have been able to see pubic hair. He was painting the top of a doorframe, his head tipped back, and he was laughing at something Jared had just said.
A drop of paint fell and landed on his chest. I watched it slide down his chest, over his ribs, and onto the flat plain of his stomach. I could see the soft, downy hairs there and that white paint against his dark skin, and I had a sudden and ridiculous urge to lick it off of him. I was sure that it would taste just like vanilla ice cream. I knew his skin would be soft against my tongue, salty and delicious. I imagined kneeling in front of him, running my tongue over his ribs, sliding my hands up his thighs to grip his ass. I imagined seeing him with his head thrown back in passion. I felt myself growing hard at the thought.