Authors: Raven St. Pierre
“It could be worse,” I whispered.
I felt her take a deep breath and then her eyes found mine. “I’m listening,” she said solemnly.
“The minister could’ve screwed up and recited the Pledge of Allegiance.”
To my surprise she laughed, no doubt remembering when I made a fool of myself at our siblings’ wedding by doing that very thing when I forgot what to say. That wasn’t so much my fault as much as it was theirs for letting a rookie perform their ceremony, but I digress.
“Stop it,” she said, sniffing back what I realized were tears. “I’m supposed to be upset.”
“Says who?” I asked, wondering who’s damn business it was that we’d done this, drunk or otherwise.
She shrugged. “This was just so… so reckless.”
“Come back. We’ll take care of it,” I assured her.
She swiped away another tear and nodded her head.
I wasn’t in a rush to let her go and she didn’t seem to mind being held. There were things about Brook, hidden things that made her tick, but she seemed determined to keep those experiences under lock and key. She was always so hard on herself, though. This, her reaction to what we did, was an example of that. She was disappointed that she deviated from her own insanely strict set of rules; rules that made her feel safe, in control maybe.
While I partially agreed with her statement about this being reckless—it’s
never
wise to make major life decisions under the influence of alcohol—I also felt like there was more to it than just two friends who made a drunken mistake. Granted, had we been sober, no, there definitely wouldn’t have been a wedding to speak of, but we were clearly drawn to one another. All the alcohol did was hold our inhibitions hostage for a night, exposing the undercurrent that pulls us toward one another, exposing the extremes of what our hearts were truly after…
each
other
.
*****
The entire day had practically passed and Brook spent most of it in her room. We both had hangovers to sleep off, but even now, I stood in the front hall completely dressed for the premier, pacing back and forth, wondering what she was doing. The driver would be here any minute and I wasn’t even sure if she was dressed or not. For all I knew, she changed her mind about going altogether, and was planning to stand me up. The occasional noises coming from inside her bedroom were the only indication that she might be getting ready.
A few seconds later, her door creaked open at the end of the hall and I breathed a sigh of relief. However, that relief was short-lived. When she came around the corner wearing pajamas—shorts and a t-shirt—instead of a dress, I knew I was being stood up.
“Unbelievable.”
As soon as the word left my mouth, Brook took a deep breath. “Don’t be mad,” she started.
“I knew you were gonna do this,” I said, more so to myself than to her. I’m reasonable, so I really did try to keep a cool head. The
marriage thing
freaked her out—I got it. But you may as well say it didn’t even happen. All we had to do was file some papers and wait to get the all-clear that it was annulled. What happened last night had nothing to do with tonight. My patience was running very thin. I made more excuses for this woman than I made for anyone else and I was tired.
She was on my heels explaining after I brushed past her, already unbuttoning my shirt as I headed back to my room. “I just… I just don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be together tonight. Not after what happened, after what we did; it’ll be… weird, and…”
“And what, Brook? Scared you might have to own your feelings?” My voice was louder than I intended for it to be, but hell… even
I
had a breaking point.
She didn’t speak, just stared. Her request for me not to get mad had clearly been a waste of breath. Damn right I was mad. I mean, here it was, time to walk out the door for the event and she was springing this on me now, at the last possible minute. However, judging by the fact that her makeup was done and the scent of her perfume in the air, she’d been planning to go with me at some point. But the part of her that’s scared to death of intimacy had talked her out of going.
Inside my room, I pulled off my shirt and tossed it to the bed.
“You’re upset with me,” Brook acknowledged, causing me to look at her.
“Two years, Brook. I’ve waited for you to see me for two… damn… years. I’ve been patient as hell with you. All I asked you to do tonight was be with me while I made an appearance at this event. That’s all. There were no strings attached. There was no commitment clause. All I wanted was for you to be with me. That’s it.”
After getting the words out, I disappeared in the bathroom, shutting her out while I changed into a pair of sweats and nothing else. And while I was thinking about it, I shot the driver a text to let him know his services wouldn’t be needed tonight after all.
When I came back out, Brook was still there. She lowered her head, speaking softly. “You were right; we should’ve talked last night,” she started, saying something I already knew. “We’ve needed to talk for a while, actually—long before what happened yesterday.”
For as long as I’d known Brook, she never came across as timid, but that was the only way I could describe her demeanor at the moment.
“You knew I was hesitant to come here with you, and this…” she explained, using her hands. That was always an indicator that she was upset. “…this was exactly what I was afraid of.” She got flustered and took another breath. “Not specifically what we did last night, of course, but just…”
Looking at her, seeing the vulnerability behind her eyes, some of my anger began to subside. I couldn’t help it. I admit to having a soft spot for her, especially seeing as how I know she has a hard time expressing herself. Me being angry wouldn’t help her open up.
Her throat moved when she swallowed. “All those excuses I gave,” she said, shaking her head. “None of that was real.”
Finally… some honesty.
“I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but now, after being here, after being alone with you like this...”
My mouth was dry and I could feel my pulse throbbing in my fingertips as I stood there, vowing not to say a word until she was finished speaking.
Brook ran her fingers across the back of her neck beneath her hair and left them there. “Matt, I…” she paused and I thought I’d die while the last syllable hung in the air. I wanted to grab her and shake the words loose, but I forced patience as I stood there, motionless, quiet.
“I have…” she breathed, forcing me to strain in an effort to hear her. Still the last part of her sentence got away from me. It wasn’t even loud enough to qualify as a whisper.
I hated having to ask for clarity on something that was obviously so hard for her to admit, but did; I needed to know my ears weren’t playing tricks on me. Brook had just sealed our fate with the words she spoke. Either she’d damned me to the dreaded
‘friend-zone’
forever, or she’d opened the door for us to explore the other side of our relationship.
When I asked her to repeat herself, she took a deep breath, not out of agitation, but to find the courage to let the words leave her mouth again. “I
said
… I have feelings for you,” she admitted louder. “As in… I feel something for you beyond us being friends,” she added.
I wanted to be happy about that, wanted to discuss what that meant, but there was still so much tension, so much that needed to be worked out. For one, she was clearly upset with herself—either for admitting this to me, or perhaps for feeling it at all. Probably the latter. She let out a deep breath and tilted her chin to the ceiling and just stared.
“This is why I didn’t wanna do this. Don’t get me wrong; I miss hanging out with you, but I knew something would go wrong if—”
The sound of the cynical laugh I accidentally let slip made her stop talking and her eyes darted toward me. “I’m sorry,” I managed to get out. “You knew something would
‘wrong’
?” I asked, repeating her statement back to her. “Having feelings for me is your idea of something going wrong?”
She was still clearly frustrated with herself. “You don’t get it,” she said on the tail end of a sigh, now readying herself to walk away.
When I called her name, she stopped. Taking a chance on freaking her out even more than realizing we had so much potential, I grabbed her hand. To my surprise, she didn’t pull away. She even moved closer when I tugged gently. Her face was set in a pout that was too cute to turn away from, but I knew not to patronize her by calling attention to it.
“Tell me why this upsets you so much, Brook. Last night aside, because I get that part. We’re just talking about your feelings for now.”
She shook her head, probably thinking I’d never understand what she was feeling. “I just hate that we couldn’t keep the lines clear. Things were fine the way they were.”
She had a point; we made a good team as friends, but I couldn’t understand why, in her mind, this fact didn’t register as a
good
sign. To me, how well we got along, how well we complimented one another, only improved our chances of being good together as
more
than just friends.
Pressing a slender hand with black painted fingernails to her forehead, she let her eyes drift closed. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Again, I disagreed, but said nothing.
I stood there watching her go through a range of emotions, none of which were particularly positive. Then, all of a sudden, she turned to leave like she originally intended to do a moment ago, starting toward my bedroom door. “I’m just gonna go.”
I was confused, which seemed to be my general position in this conversation. “Go, as in, to your room?” I asked in disbelief.
She paused and turned around to face me when I stepped closer, poised to follow her down the hall if need be.
Why the hell was she acting like this?
“No… as in, I’m going home,” she clarified, confirming what I already assumed. “I’ll come back in a couple weeks when Lia leaves and we can take care of the other thing,” she said, referring to the annulment.
Another short laugh escaped, but only because I couldn’t believe how unreasonable she was being. “Are you freakin’ kidding me right now? You’re leaving because you like me a little more than you think you should?” I knew the way I worded that was leaning toward patronizing, but that didn’t stop me from saying it anyway. Irritated beyond belief, I raked my fingers over my scalp and stared at her. She could be so impossible sometimes, so hard to reason with. When she had her mind set on something, it may as well have been etched in stone.
“I’m leaving because I don’t want to mess things up, Matt!” she said loudly, just shy of yelling.
I couldn’t hold back with her anymore. If I did, she’d dominate this conversation and I’d never be heard. It was time I called her on her bull.
“Brook… what the hell are you so afraid of? It’s always some crap about messing up our friendship, but there’s more to it than that,” I accused, daring her to be straight with me for once.
My question shocked her into silence and I took advantage of those precious seconds before she spoke again.
“Listen to what you’re saying! We’re not children! God forbid that we, two adults who’ve known each other for two—
almost three
—years, realize that they want more than—”
“Speak for yourself,” she cut in hastily. “I
don’t
want more. I don’t want
anything
other than what we have now,” she lied. Even if she couldn’t say it, I saw it all over her—when I showed up at her graduation ceremony, when she first arrived here, when she almost kissed me last night, even now. No matter what she said, she wanted me, wanted
us,
just as badly as I did.
The power this woman had to infuriate me was unreal. I stared at her as she basically scowled at me. She rested her hands on her hips to drive home the fact that she’d already made this decision… for the both of us. However, unlike usual, I wasn’t in the mood to let her call the shots, which I typically allowed so she didn’t have to venture outside of her comfort zone. I tiptoed around her feelings and demands long enough, though.
“Why can’t you just accept th—”
I don’t know what happened… honest to God I don’t.
One minute I was standing there, listening to Brook getting ready to make yet another declaration and then the next, I had the taste of her lip gloss on my tongue. I breathed her in deep, hearing the air rush into my lungs as one hand gripped the back of her hair. The other clutched her waist. I couldn’t pinpoint the moment I leaned in and chose to own her, but I had. I pulled her body closer to mine until the deep intakes of breath she inhaled made her breasts press into my chest.
She parted her lips and surrendered to me more willingly than I ever imagined she was capable of. A woman like her didn’t give in to anything or anyone
easily, yet her body seemed to be following my lead. With every tug I gave, she let me bring her closer, and with one wordless commanded I now had possession of her tongue. I’d never seen her like this—defenseless. She had to know she could trust me, though; had to know I wouldn’t make her regret admitting what she felt. I’d spent our entire friendship proving that.