Me and Miranda Mullaly (8 page)

I'm especially excited to see Miranda at the library tonight because I'm going to talk to her about the Valentine's Day dance. Billy thinks it's a good idea to strike up a conversation about the dance so she won't be surprised when I ask her to go with me. I know it's still weeks away, but Billy says a girl like Miranda will have lots of guys lining up to ask her.

But here's what actually happens at the library.

I get there early before Miranda shows up, and I have all my stuff out because I know Miranda likes to get right to work. Then I wait for Miranda at the door so I can be a gentleman and hold it open and all that stuff.

Miranda's dad drops her off and I make small talk, which is not one of my strongest points. And of course I really can't remember what I said, because I was nervous. But I know I didn't say anything stupid because I always remember when I say something dumb.

Miranda leads the way (the librarian knows her name and says hello to her, which I think is awesome) and we take our seats at the table I saved for us. Duke Samagura is at the next table, and I say hi to him to be polite and show good manners, but Duke scurries away like there's a fire. He's a weird dude sometimes.

Then Miranda gets right to work. It's amazing. She's got the whole report on her computer and a rough draft with handwritten notes, and it sort of makes me feel like I haven't done a lot of work. So as Miranda's typing away, I pretend I have notes to read through and something to add, but I really just wait to mention the Valentine's Day dance.

I have no idea how much time passes as I sit there just trying to get the guts to even talk about the dance. It's much worse than standing at the free throw line. Finally I look up from my papers.

“Miranda,” a voice says.

But it's not my voice. It's Erica Dickerson's voice. And before I know it, Erica is standing right beside me talking to Miranda about who knows what.

And then they're laughing, but I don't know what they're laughing about, so I just go along and laugh with them and I really feel stupid. I don't know what's going on.

When it's all said and done, I don't say anything to Miranda about the dance, and the report is all finished, and there's nothing to do but say good night and go home. This really bums me out because now that the report is finished, we won't have any reason to go to the library, and I didn't say anything about the Valentine's dance.

What a terrible end to a terrible day.

Erica Dickerson is late meeting me at the library to work on our science report. Miranda is never late, so I end up having to watch her walk by with Chollie Muller and set up camp a few tables away. It just drives me nuts, seeing Chollie with her, especially after watching him look into Miranda's eyes at the basketball game today. And then lucky Chollie gets to work with her in the library tonight of all nights. I wish I had a thumbtack waiting on his seat.

To take my mind off this, I pull out a book I'm borrowing from my mom called
I Feel
Bad About My Neck
by Nora Ephron. It's supposed to be “thoughts on being a woman,” but I'm really not getting much out of it besides learning that New York City is expensive and most skin creams that women use to combat aging don't work. But my mom laughed out loud when she read it, so I thought I'd give it a try. To me, though, the book is very disappointing and not really funny. It's probably the kind of book Erica Dickerson would write.

“Thoughts on being a woman,” Erica Dickerson says, and before I know it, she has the book in her hands. “What, are you planning on becoming a woman someday?” If it weren't for her bad manners, she wouldn't have any manners at all.

“You know, that's really rude, taking my book out of my hands like that,” I say.

“Oh, I'm sorry,” she says with a lot of sarcasm as she takes a seat across from me.

I grab the book back and hide it in my bag.

“You know what's a really great book?”

“No,” I say. “What's a really great book?” And I'm being very sarcastic.

“
Twilight
,” she says, which is really nothing new to me because my sister Maureen has about fifteen copies of those books. They're everywhere in the house.

“
Twilight
, huh?” I say, and I take out all my yak stuff so Erica Dickerson gets the idea that I'm ready to finish this report and go home.

“Oh yeah, it's my favorite book. And Miranda's, too.”

This last piece of information really gets my attention.

“
Twilight
, eh?”

So I write “
Twilight!!!!!!
” on my list of things to do.

Knowing this energizes me. So now I'm ready to start this report so I can get home and start reading
Twilight
. But Erica Dickerson has other plans.

“I'll be right yak,” she says.

“What?”

“I'll be right
yak
.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Think about it, Dolan. I'll be right
yak.
”

Erica actually laughs at her own stupid joke. She also calls her backpack her back
yak
or
yak
pack. Just when I'm getting along with her, she has to go and say something unfunny like that.

Before I even get a chance to tell her as much, she runs off to talk to Miranda. And then I can hear them laughing and I have this terrible feeling they are laughing at me. Even Chollie Muller is laughing.

I can't wait for this day to end.

11

Picture this.
I walk into school just minding my own business, you see, because I'm in a bad mood. My book bag weighs about a thousand pounds because I have all the Twilight books in it, I have rehearsals for the musical after school, and I still have no idea how I'm going to move along my relationship with Miranda Mullaly. I'm a man with a lot on his mind.

But Lichtensteiner has finally had enough of the toilet paper tossing in the bathroom and decides to take all the paper from the boys' bathrooms. And then he goes around telling everybody to ask
me
about it. Like I've been saying all along, I'm not the one who's tossing the toilet paper. I
don't even go in the dirty boys' room, since Coach opens the locker room for the basketball players. It's a really big perk of being on the team.

Anyway, Lichtensteiner takes all the toilet paper from the boys' rooms today and doesn't say anything. Some guys find out too late, if you know what I mean. You can actually hear people screaming for help from the bathroom. And somehow, within minutes, Tony Worthington is selling Kleenex Pocket Packs out of the school store at a steep markup.

By lunchtime all the kids, at least the guys, are just about going nuts, and everybody's asking
me
what the deal is. I've never been in a riot before but I certainly can see how they can start.

No one wants to eat their lunch and all people can think about is going to the bathroom. And I'm wondering if I'm safe or if Lichtensteiner has taken the goods from the locker room, too.

Everyone gathers around my lunch table and people are talking about attacking the school office and grabbing the toilet paper or swiping the janitor's keys and looting the supply closet. Matt Vesci talks about leaving a little present outside Lichtensteiner's door. Am I making myself clear? We are just about to have a revolution.

So I get up on a chair and I explain that I have nothing to do with the whole thing. I think everyone believes me,
which puts my mind at ease because this group is getting scary. But as I'm up on the chair explaining myself, I start thinking about how Lichtensteiner is blaming the toilet paper throwing on me and it gets me worked up.

Next thing I know, I'm giving a speech. I say things like “Toilet paper's a right” and might even throw in something about all men being created equal. Anyway, I end the thing by screaming the funniest thing I can think to say to this mob, “Give me toilet paper, or give me death!”

Those words really get everyone going. We storm out of the cafeteria and head toward the office, when I remember there's a student council meeting going on.

We burst through the auditorium doors and crash the meeting.

Duke Samagura bangs his gavel, like that's really going to stop us. Mr. Porter, who is a decent guy but needs to do something about his dandruff, stops us, though to tell the truth we don't have anywhere else to go.

He wants to know what's going on.

I let him have it, trying to remember all the history he has taught me. I don't know if I got the natural rights of man correct, or if I did, I don't know if I tied it to toilet paper properly. But when I end it with “Give us toilet paper, or give us death!” I get another round of applause. Boy, that's a heck of a line.

Mr. Porter calms us down a bit and finally processes the entire toilet paper spiel. He takes me by the arm and the two of us go to the main office. Mr. Porter goes into Mr. Lichtensteiner's office and comes out about a minute later with rolls and rolls of toilet paper.

We walk back down the aisle to the auditorium with rolls falling from our arms. I start throwing the toilet paper, and everyone else starts to throw it around, too. We're all going wild and before I know it, I'm up on some dude's shoulders and I'm just about the biggest hero in the world. And a comedy legend.

I toss the toilet paper and a couple of guys run out with it, laughing and crying tears of joy. It's the happiest we've ever been at Penn Valley.

And I just know Lichtensteiner said to the teachers, “Watch this,” as he pulled the toilet paper from the bathrooms. He is going get an honorable mention when
Watch
This!
is published.

When I got home from the library two weeks ago, Billy didn't even ask me how it went with Miranda. Instead, he waved a newspaper in front of me.

“Here it is,” Billy says, waving the newspaper. “Here's your ticket to your lady friend's heart.”

“A newspaper?”

“No, no, no,” Billy says, handing me the paper. “Right there on the front page.”

I read the first couple of paragraphs, and it's about how the ocean is going to rise up and swallow a bunch of cities and flood everything, and everything is going to be really rotten and horrible. They call it global warming, and I think one of my teachers told us about it, but I can't really be sure.

“So you think Miranda will be interested in this?” I ask.

“You have to bring it up at your student council meeting.”

“Billy, we don't pass laws and things like that.”

“What you have to do is give a speech about it, then you say you want to petition Congress and the president. If this Miranda is the kind of girl I think she is, she'll eat this up, and before you know it, you and Miranda will be partnered up to stop global warming.”

Well, I take Billy's advice and we work together on a pretty big speech about the globe and climate and rain and the sun and just about everything you can imagine. Last night we put the finishing touches on it and by the time we're done it's pretty late but I'm so excited I can hardly sleep.

And then when I get to school I'm so nervous about the speech I keep feeling like I have to go to the bathroom. But of course, just my luck, there's no toilet paper in the boys' room.

So that's why I'm really nervous standing in front of the student council about to give a big speech. Maybe even more nervous than when I took the foul shots. But when I look at Miranda and see her waiting to hear what I have to say, with her big brown eyes smiling at me, well, I feel like I can do just about anything. Even if I do have to go to the bathroom.

And then, just as I'm about to speak, I mean right after I clear my throat, I hear a lot of noise coming from outside the auditorium.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I begin. And then I smile right at Miranda and say, “Madam President.” But Miranda is looking at the door. Everyone is. The noise is getting louder. And then we hear people chanting.

I start over again and
bang!
The auditorium doors fly
open and in comes Sam Dolan and about thirty other guys. They're chanting something about toilet paper.

Well, that's the end of my speech and the end of the student council meeting. By the time things come to order, Mr. Porter leaves with Sam Dolan, and I look around but can't find Miranda Mullaly.