Authors: Jennifer Labelle
“Tyler, I…” she stuttered. It was so hard to answer. Was it possible to love someone and hate them all at the same time because that’s how she felt.
“
It’s okay. I’m not entirely sure that I actually want an answer to that right now.” He tried unsuccessfully to smile. “If this is what you want, it’s the least I can give you.” Taking the papers out of the envelope, he placed them on the night table to sign them in front of her. “You can have whatever you want. I’ll be moving out. You can come back home, so that Jayden can have his room again. The house is yours and your car. I’ll still make sure you’re taken care of. Ugh, I miss you guys so much already.”
Taking her face gently into his hands he said, “I love you, Jenna.”
She let him kiss her one last time. Then he turned and walked out the door without looking back, giving her the privacy he knew she needed. She hated that he knew her so well, but at the same time the space was good. She had a sudden impulse to stop him. Biting her tongue to fight the urge, she had to remind herself it needed to stop and prayed that her suffering would soon come to an end.
She left the room without taking anything she’d packed. Tired of hiding, she decided that there’d be no more packing or mooching off of supportive friends. It was time to start living again or to at least try.
She still wasn’t sure what to do with herself, and although it was nice of Tyler to volunteer the house, she hated having to take anything from him, period. She was still bitter and angry. Then a flood of memories came back, and it gave her the urge to go through some old photos. There had been more good times in that relationship than bad, and she wanted a reminder. Laughing and crying through it, she eventually began to feel guilty, coming to realize that although she hadn’t had sex with anyone else, she still wasn’t innocent.
She’d had fantasies of Brady, lusted for him and loved him, thought of him while being intimate with Tyler, and dreamed of him regularly. So, was she any better? Starting to second guess herself, she began to wonder if she should have given Tyler a second chance. Maybe she could learn what she had done wrong to not be able to hold him. It might at least rid her of some of the heartache. Starting over felt terrifying right then. She felt so alone.
* * * *
That afternoon while Jayden napped, Jenna paced the hallway, too nervous to stay put. She waited for Tyler to arrive so they could talk. He didn’t know she was back officially, and she wondered how he’d react if she brought up counseling and a willingness to start over.
Jenna sat at the bottom of the stairs where she had been looking through old photos when his car drove up. Nervous, scared and excited, she had another uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach as she stood facing the door.
Her smile faltered immediately at seeing his expression.
“Jenna? You decided to come home?” His last words came out in a whisper, making her smile again before she answered.
“
I did a lot of thinking today and a lot of reminiscing.” Then she looked down at the album beside her. “Tyler, I…”
She was about to tell him that she wasn’t sure about her decision anymore, that she wanted to give it a try, but was distracted and glad that she didn’t get any farther.
The front door stood open, and Tyler adjusted his position to block her view. With eyes glossy and wide, he looked guilty, yet apologetic.
“
Tyler?” Jenna whispered, feeling hot with embarrassment and sick to her stomach as the situation she’d put herself in the middle of dawned on her.
“I didn’t think you were going to forgive me.” He stepped forward. “You served me
with the divorce papers, and I—”
“Sorry, it took so me so long, but it’s hard to find good parking around here.” Alex’s smile faltered when she noticed Jenna on the stairs. Narrowing her eyes, she moved closer to Tyler.
Trying hard, Jenna held onto her emotions, not wanting to give Alex any satisfaction. She knew her game, but Jenna wasn’t playing anymore.
“
Hello, Alex.” She greeted stiffly, looking much stronger than she actually felt. “I apologize for the intrusion. I hadn’t realized that Tyler was bringing company into my home again. The couch is gone now, so were you planning to soil our bed as well?”
Tyler pushed Alex out of his way, making Jenna laugh at her insulted expression and especially at seeing her storm off in anger. Tyler didn’t notice.
“
Jenna, I need to know what you were about to say. Are you willing to give me a chance?”
She could see the hope in his expression. She didn’t speak as she examined him closely and realized how much he could read right through her. She hated it, but she wasn’t as stupid as he clearly thought she was. It was like he expected to be able to do anything he wanted and expected her to look the other way, to just be with him regardless and damn him for that.
He took advantage of her vulnerability and the opportunity and pulled her forward. She closed her eyes, allowing it to happen and let a little bit of anger come out in the aggressiveness of the kiss because this really was goodbye. Lifting her up into his arms, he’d carried her upstairs before she snapped out of it. As the door to the bedroom shut, she quickly pulled away.
“
Oh, my God, what am I doing? What are you doing to me?” She was out of her mind. He’d literally driven her insane.
“
Jenna, I might not have known it before tonight, but having you here, seeing you when I walked in, the albums—you still love me, just as much as I love you. I know you were about to tell me that you wanted to be together, to stay together.” He grabbed her hands, held them and waited for her to answer.
“You’re right, Tyler, but you’re also very wrong. I missed being at home, and so did Jayden. Then I started to think about things when I got here and reminisced through the memories and began to second guess myself.” She wanted to explain it clearly to him so that she wouldn’t have to repeat herself for this next part. “I was delusional for a brief time, wanting to work things out with you, and yes, that’s what I was about to say when you walked in, but then you gave me a reminder that you’re not going to change. You aren’t going to stop, and I can see that so clearly now. We can’t be together like this anymore. It’s over.”
He stood there silent, looking crushed, and she smiled, feeling free. “Tyler, you have been my best friend, since I can remember. It was one of the best parts about our relationship, how easily we got along together. But clearly this is not meant to be. I’m not sure what it is that happened between us to change things, but you have to admit that you could see it too, or you wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. Something’s missing and I was blinded until now. Can’t you understand? If I let this continue, I’m going to end up hating you, and I don’t want that. We need to move on. I need some space so that I can get through all of this anger and hurt that I’m feeling, because I don’t want to lose you for good. I want my good friend back one day, and Jayden needs his dad.”
She’d finally realized that she was holding onto what they once had, not what was still there. She’d been unhappy for a while, and it was time to move on. The hard part was to learn how to forgive, because Lord knows she’d never forget it.
Chapter Thirteen
Tyler would move out that night. She helped him pack and didn’t want to know where he was headed, whether to a motel or Alex’s place. She didn’t ask, more afraid of the answer. She preferred not knowing for certain, because it probably would have made her angry again.
A fine line really did exist between love and hate. She loved the friend she used to have, the father of her child, and the good years they had together. There were so many of them. But then she also hated him for all of the lies, hated him for throwing it all away, and for the ultimate betrayal of sleeping with Alex. It had been by far a better outcome than her original vision, although she hated to admit it. At least he was still alive, and that mattered.
The next part was the hardest. They had to tell Jayden, and she’d asked Tyler to join her so that they could tell him together.
She’d just finished making him his snack, and they were both nervous when they approached him. Sitting on the couch together, Jenna held Tyler’s hand and called Jayden over.
While Jayden looked up with curiosity, Tyler looked at her with a sudden panic, the coward.
“
Thanks,” she whispered sarcastically, knowing that it was being left up to her to start things off. Taking a deep breath, she wasn’t sure where to start and needed a minute to collect her thoughts. “We wanted to talk to you about some changes,” she told Jayden and was surprised by his expression.
Looking at Tyler, he sighed loudly and then put his head down as he played with his fingers. She knew then that he understood more than she gave him credit for.
“Jayden, Dad and I are separating, so you need to know that he’s not going to be living with us anymore.”
Honestly, how were you supposed to explain this type of situation to a five year old without having a negative reaction? She didn’t what else to do but to come right out with it, trying to be as sensitive as possible in the process.
He silently let it register and then leaped into Jenna’s arms to cry. She wasn’t too far behind him, shedding some of her own tears.
“
It doesn’t change how much we both love you,” she assured him, and Tyler finally stepped in.
“
I’ll still be here whenever you need me to be, and you can come stay with me sometimes if you want.”
Jenna sucked in a breath in shock, knowing instantly that she shouldn’t have that reaction. She hadn’t think about not having Jayden in the house all the time, an adjustment she’d definitely have to make.
Jayden pulled away and hopped off Jenna’s lap. “First Mommy and now me, why are you hurting us?” he yelled and ran up to his room.
Stunned into silence, neither one of them knew what to do next. Obviously, she wasn’t the only one who’d built up some anger over all that had happened.
“
Maybe I should go,” Tyler suggested.
“
You’re not going anywhere. Did you expect any other reaction out of him? Just give him a few minutes, and we’ll talk this through. The least you could do is stay for that.”
Tyler agreed and stayed through dinner. Jayden sulked at first. Playing the mediator, Jenna finally got him to open up to his father. Slowly they were on their way to mending their father and son bond.
* * * *
“Okay, you’re driving me absolutely nuts,” Sam told her. “What’s wrong now?”
It was a beautiful summer day at the park with Jayden. Almost six months had passed since all hell broke loose, money was tight, and she still felt useless. Jenna managed to get a part time position at Jayden’s school after months of volunteering and hated that she still had to rely on Tyler’s child support. She had to figure out what she could do to achieve her financial independence and still be able to be home for Jayden. She fantasized about the day she could actually tell him to take his money and shove it. Okay, not really, just as long as it wasn’t a means for supporting her.
Maybe one day the dream would come alive, where she’d be financially comfortable, could still be a loving mom for her child, and Tyler’s money would go towards Jayden’s college fund instead of food.
“
I just feel so useless, like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. I’m a twenty-eight year old divorced woman, and I still have no clue what I should be when I grow up.”
She sighed knowing that she’d been off in her own world still trying to figure things out, and it didn’t help that Tyler had started to take Jayden around Alex lately, just another added stress she didn’t need. He’d jumped into that relationship immediately after she’d let him go, moving in with Alex that same night.
“
I’ve failed at everything.”
“Not everything.” Sam laughed, pointing towards Jayden, making Jenna smile and agree. “When it comes to that, you’re the luckiest person I know.”
“How did you do it?” Jenna asked, wondering what made Sam decide to do what she loved and being successful on top of it.