Authors: Jennifer Labelle
“
You’re doing great, Jenna, that’s it. Take deep soothing breaths. How do you feel?”
Later, when she was back to a rational state of mind, she might think that he gave her encouraging words because he hadn’t the slightest clue what he was doing. At the time it just wasn’t the thing to say. Damn, that ambulance better get here pronto. I need it out. Tyler definitely wasn’t suited for this type of crisis. What if something went terribly wrong?
“
Don’t tell me what to do,” she snapped. “I’ll soothe you one. How do I feel? I’ll tell you how I feel. I feel like I’m being torn in two. Get it out.”
He chuckled for the first time, despite those ‘if looks could kill’ glares she gave him. It didn’t last long as the last gush of fluid rushed towards him.
“
Oh, no,” he breathed. She watched his eyes bulge as he did a double take. “God help me, there’s the head.”
“
I’m so tired,” Jenna whispered. Now that it was time to push she was exhausted.
“
Hang in there. Push on the next contraction, Jenna, push. That’s it, just a little more.”
They’d tuned out the sirens in the distance. It was down to business now. “Please.” She tried to catch her breath. Would this ever end? She felt like she’d been at this forever, and if it took much longer, she was bound to pass out.
She was finally rewarded with the most beautiful sound imaginable; her baby’s first cry filled the living room.
“
It’s a boy.” Tyler beamed, placing the baby in her arms.
The night’s events must have overwhelmed Tyler because he fainted as soon as the paramedics arrived. Knowing Tyler was being taken care of and having her perfect baby cradled in her arms, she was finally able to laugh. Tyler never did enjoy the sight of blood, and it was a wonder he’d lasted as long as he had. In the meantime, she had the most precious little pink colored bundle imaginable.
“
Hi, Jayden,” she whispered, kissing him for the first time. “Mommy loves you.”
* * * *
Pain, there was so much pain. Her eyes fluttered open and closed a few times before noticing all the machines and tubes sticking out of her. “Ugh,” she groaned, trying to suppress a grimace. “What the hell happened to me?”
Trying to clear her dry throat, the fog that seemed to envelope her mind cleared a little. She was obviously in the hospital but why?
“
Tyler?”
“
Jenna? Oh, thank God.”
“
Mom?”
She teared up, reaching for Jenna’s hand. “Oh, my God, you scared us, but you’re going to be okay, honey.”
“
I don’t feel okay,” she whined. “Where’s Jayden? Is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay. I can’t remember.”
The machine beside her bed started to beep loudly. “Try to relax, honey. Your heart rate is starting to pick up. Jayden’s fine. He’s with Dad and can’t wait to see you. I just didn’t think it would be appropriate to bring him until I knew you were okay.”
Sighing with relief that her little boy was okay, she had a sudden flashback. “There was a light; I remember a blinding light. What happened?”
“
There was an accident, and it was pretty bad from what they tell us. It was raining hard, and you guys had pulled over to wait it out. A truck was coming the opposite way and swerved to keep from hitting an animal. The visibility was poor, and he didn’t see you guys until it was too late.”
“
Mom, where’s Tyler?” A panic attack was threatening to surface. If she was this badly hurt, how was he? And, where was he?
“
Mom, please… Where is Tyler? I want my husband. Please, just tell me where he is.”
The commotion of her hospital machinery drew attention. A nurse monitored her distressed condition and interrupted them. “Mrs. Baker, you need to calm down, or I’m going to have to give you a sedative and put you under again.”
Nodding, she tried her best to calm down. The last thing she wanted was to get knocked out, but she couldn’t control her emotions until she had answers. She needed Tyler, had to see him, and wanted to feel him. She had to know that he was okay. It seemed nobody wanted to give her answers, but she was determined to get them.
“
Mom, please, where is my husband?”
Looking at the nurse for approval before addressing her daughter, she sighed. “Jenna, when they found you, you were in the backseat, honey. Neither of you had any seat belts on and…” She paused, starting to cry. “Tyler didn’t make it, honey, I’m so sorry.”
Chapter Two
Jenna spent another week at the hospital before she was well enough to be released and went to stay at her parent’s home for a few days.
“
Mommy,” Jayden yelled as soon as she got out of the car. Running towards her, he almost made her fall over when he threw himself into her arms.
It felt like a lifetime since she’d last held him in her arms, and she broke down.
Filled with sadness for the loss they’d both suffered and guilt for what happened, most of all she felt happiness to be with him again. He was a miniature Tyler right before her eyes, and it felt like a mixture between Heaven and Hell.
“
Why are you crying, Mommy?”
“
Because I missed you,” she said, holding him closer to breathe in his scent before putting him down again.
“
Where’s Daddy?”
Speechless and surprised that her parents hadn’t already told him, she wasn’t sure what to say. Her father came to her rescue. “Come with Poppa, Jayden,” he said, offering his hand. “We’ll go out in the yard for awhile and let your mom settle in first.”
She looked to her mother for answers. “What have you guys told him?”
“
Jenna, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t…I mean, we didn’t know how. I should’ve told you sooner, I’m so sorry.”
“
Okay, I just need a little time to figure out how to break it to him.”
She could feel another break down coming on and just couldn’t fall apart in front of everyone. In the privacy of her old room, she let the stress consume her and gave herself time to figure out how she was going to explain. Jayden was only four. How was she supposed to explain Tyler’s death without traumatizing him? Jayden and Tyler had been close.
She managed to pull herself together a few hours later to join them for dinner. Although not much eating was involved, thankfully Jayden hadn’t asked her too many questions. He just assumed Tyler was working, and Jenna knew then that it was time to stop procrastinating. “All right, Monkey, it’s almost time to wash up and get ready for bed. Afterwards, Mommy has something important to speak to you about.” She could feel her throat constrict, and her eyes water just thinking about the horrible task ahead and turned her head to hide it from him.
“
Awe, man,” he whined. “Goodnight, Grandma, night, Poppa.” As his big sloppy goodnight kisses ended, they headed upstairs for the night and into the privacy they both would need to grieve.
“
Mommy, I can’t wait to see Daddy. Poppa took me fishing and next time—”
Jumping on the bed with pure excitement, he stopped suddenly when he realized she was crying.
Watching him, Jenna still wasn’t sure how to approach giving him the news, but had to. “Jayden, did Grandma tell you why it took Mommy so long to come and get you?” she asked carefully, to gauge how much he already knew.
“
She said you got sick, but you’re better now so why are you so sad?” Placing his hand on her face, he tried to wipe away the tears streaming down it.
“
I’m sad because Daddy’s gone, honey.” Her words seemed to confuse him. “I was sick for a little while, and I was able to get better, but Daddy wasn’t. They couldn’t fix him, honey, and Daddy went to Heaven. Do you understand?”
“
Well, is he coming back?”
Too emotional, Jenna couldn’t form the words to answer. She just shook her head and held him close, hoping he would understand while fearing at the same time that he would.
He cried just as much as she did, and they managed to fall asleep in each other’s arms.
* * * *
Tyler’s funeral was long and exhausting, but beautiful at the same time. If it wasn’t for the support of her family and her friend, Sam, she couldn’t have made it through the day still standing. There were a few words said at the church in the small intimate ceremony for close friends and family. She couldn’t bear the thought of a burial, and she had him cremated. She took him home.
Besides Tyler, Sam was her best friend. Jenna and Samantha met just after Jayden was born. Tyler had received a promotion, and they were finally able to afford a bigger house. Sam was one of their neighbors, and they hit it off immediately.
* * * *
“It’s not fair,” Jayden screamed, running upstairs.
Tyler’s parents had come for a visit, and it seemed like their presence was an unwelcome one at first.
He’d run upstairs and into her room to curl up on his father’s side of the bed. Jenna had to take a deep breath before walking farther than the doorway. She hadn’t slept in there since the last morning she woke with Tyler at her side. The room just wasn’t the same without him. “Jayden, are you okay?”
He turned around and shook his head, “I’m mad at Daddy, and I’m mad at Grandpa.”
Through tears, she managed to whisper, “Why are you mad at Grandpa?”
“
Because he looks like Daddy,” he whispered.
She laughed, startling even herself. “Yes, Daddy looks like Grandpa, Jayden, but so do you. You look just like Daddy, honey. That’s why you’re so handsome.”
He hid his face again on top of Tyler’s pillow and said, “But I’m still mad at Daddy. Why did he have to leave me? It’s not fair. He’s making me sad, and he’s making you sad all the time.”
In that moment her heart shattered again, “I’m sorry, honey, but it’s not Daddy’s fault. He didn’t have a choice. I want you to know that he’d be here if he could. I need you to know that, Jayden, and it makes me sad to hear that you’re angry with him, but I understand. He loves you just as much as I do and always will, even in Heaven. Do you understand?”
“
But it’s still not fair,” he whined, “I want him back.”
“
I know, Jayden. I do too, but it gets better with time. I promise.” Those words were easier said than to live with. It would be a long time before the family survived his loss. Jenna knew it, but looked forward to the day, anyway.
When he was ready to visit, Jayden hugged his grandfather, “I’m not mad at you anymore, Grandpa. You don’t look like Daddy; you look like me.”
* * * *
As the months passed, the days were hard. They still hurt to live through, but the anger eventually faded. Things did get a little easier with time. Jayden started to become his normal self again, and they developed a routine that got them through their rough patches. Jenna was still numb though, barely having an appetite and feeling empty. Regardless, the time flew by.
On the anniversary of his death, they would spend the day to themselves. No matter how much Sam or her parents bothered her about not being alone.
“Do you know what today is?” she asked that morning.
He nodded and whispered, “The day Daddy left.”
“It is, Jayden. So what would you like to do today?”
“
Could we go to the park?” he asked, not willing to make eye contact.