Frank sounded harsh and impatient. “Look, you either find a sitter, or you don’t.”
“It’s not that simple.” Marienne sounded stressed, her inflection higher than usual.
“Then don’t take the job,” Frank boomed.
Daniel felt bad about eavesdropping, so he rang the doorbell to announce his presence.
“It’s open,” Frank said.
Daniel let himself in and walked toward the kitchen.
“Daniel!” Ella flung herself at him and hugged his leg.
Dan-yoo.
He loved the way she said his name.
“Good morning, Ella.” He smiled and ruffled her hair.
She tilted her head back and grinned at him, still attached to his leg, then released her grip and began dancing around the kitchen, humming to herself. Marienne handed Daniel a cup of coffee. He made sure he didn’t spill it on Ella as she twirled around him.
“Look, she’s not an infant. She’s a year and a half old,” Frank said, having acknowledged Daniel with an offhanded wave. “You either take the job and find someplace to put Ella for the day, or you don’t take the job. Those are the options. I don’t want to ‘discuss’ this anymore.”
“Someplace to ‘put’ Ella?” Marienne’s voice rose even higher. Her eyes glistened as she glared at Frank.
“What job?” Daniel asked.
“She got offered this account at a firm in Trenton, and if she wants it she has to go into the office every Thursday for client meetings. But apparently no one is qualified to watch Ella one day a week, so she’s not gonna take the job.”
Marienne’s eyes narrowed. “It has nothing to do with being qualified. I don’t think it’s fair to her to be thrust into daycare one day a week when she’s used to being with people she knows.”
“See?” Frank went back to eating his bagel.
Daniel turned to Marienne. “Do you want to take this assignment?”
“Yes.” Her voice was softer, but she continued to glare at Frank.
“Apparently not.” Frank took another bite.
Daniel ignored him. “And it’s Thursdays?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Well, I don’t have classes on Thursdays Fall semester. I could watch Ella.”
Marienne’s mouth fell open. “Oh, I couldn’t ask—”
Frank interrupted her. “There, you see? Daniel can watch her.” Clearly for Frank the issue was resolved.
“Seriously. I could watch Ella.”
“Daniel watch me. Daniel watch me!” Ella chanted as she grabbed his hand and began spinning in circles.
Frank took the last bite of bagel and picked up his coffee cup. “Ella, cut it out. Eat your breakfast.”
Ella stopped twirling, but held onto Daniel’s hand, clearly dizzy. She teetered, and he caught her. “Come here, silly girl.” He scooped her up with one arm. “Is the room spinning?”
She tilted her head way back and giggled. “Yessssssssssssss.”
He laughed and tipped her further so her upside down head was right in front of Marienne.
Marienne kissed Ella’s forehead, making her giggle more. “I could never ask you to give up your free day every week.”
“You didn’t ask. I offered, and I’d hardly consider it giving up anything to spend time with Ella.”
Ella pulled herself upright, smiling. He crinkled his nose at her, and she crinkled hers back, then squirmed down from his arms. He made sure she landed gently on the floor, then turned his full attention to Marienne. “Seriously, you’re not asking; I’m offering. I’d be happy to do it.”
“Really?” Her eyes searched his.
He held her gaze. “Really.”
Frank laughed. “Yeah, Daniel can nap at our house as easily as he can nap at his own.”
“Do you want to discuss it with Justine first?” Marienne asked.
Frank snorted as he packed his briefcase.
“No,” Daniel said. “She won’t care.”
Marienne paused. He knew she trusted him, and Ella was clearly comfortable with him.
Say yes.
“Okay.” She smiled. “As long as you’re sure.”
“I’m absolutely certain.”
“Finally.” Frank took the last gulp of coffee and placed his empty mug on the counter. “Come on, let’s go. We’re gonna be late.”
****
“You said you’d do what?” Justine asked when Daniel told her his decision.
He rubbed his temples as he listened to her rant.
“Why would you do that? Why on earth would you volunteer to do something so ridiculous? Are you going to change careers now and become a nanny for Christ’s sake? I thought spending your time with college students was bad enough, but now you’re moving on to toddlers? ‘What does your husband do’?” she said in a mocking voice. “Oh, nothing much, he teaches, and he babysits.”
“Jesus, Justine.” Daniel could no longer contain his disgust. “I’m helping out a friend. I have that day off. I actually like spending time with Ella. What the fuck is your problem?”
Justine glared then shook her head and looked away.
It bothered him that she was ignoring his question. “Is it that you can’t understand why anyone would want to spend time with a child? Or are you afraid this won’t sound cool enough at your cocktail parties? Because either way I hate to inform you, but this is not about you. Not everything that happens in everyone’s life is about you.”
Fury flashed behind Justine’s eyes. She stormed out of the room. He heard her stomp upstairs and slam their bedroom door. Daniel raked his hand through his hair and plunked down on the couch. Compared to this spending the day with a toddler should be a walk in the park.
He thought about Ella and her sweet, smiley face, and the relief and gratitude in Marienne’s eyes. There was no question in his mind.
He’d made the right decision.
He settled into the couch and closed his eyes. It didn’t even occur to him to go upstairs and try to win his way back into the bedroom.
For the moment he was content right where he was.
Chapter Thirty-Six
It had been two months since Daniel had started watching Ella. He couldn’t have been happier. He’d always loved Ella, but spending this time with her, seeing how her little mind worked, watching her personality develop, was beyond anything he’d ever imagined.
On this particular Thursday Ella had been a bundle of energy. From the moment he’d arrived in the morning she had been on the go, dancing around the house, coaxing Daniel into endless games of hide and seek, teaching him the long-forgotten joys of finger-painting, then begging to go to the park. He had no idea a small child could be quite so tiring. He marveled at the fact that Marienne was able to do this daily with little or no assistance from Frank.
They spent three hours at the playground before Ella was ready to head home. Daniel was overjoyed when she said she’d like to watch Sesame Street. He was exhausted.
By the time he got home he wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower and climb into bed with a good book. He was in bed reading when Justine arrived home. He glanced at the clock. It was already after ten pm. He was surprised it had gotten so late.
Justine breezed into their bedroom, looking impossibly fresh and neat, hardly at all different than when she’d left in the morning. Her lipstick had faded to a thin blush and her eye shadow no longer defined her eyes, allowing them to look ever so slightly fatigued, but at a glance she was still the picture of perfection.
“Hey,” Daniel watched her slip off her jewelry and lay each piece in its proper place on her vanity.
“Hey.” She didn’t even glance at him.
“How was dinner?”
“Boring as hell.” She stepped out of her skirt and disappeared into the closet. He heard her take a hanger off the rack. She walked back into the room, still not looking at him. “How was your day?”
“Good.”
“Oh, I forgot. It’s Thursday. Was there a fascinating episode of Teletubbies today?”
Daniel frowned. She shrugged and met his gaze, her eyebrows high.
“Ella prefers Sesame Street. She was very sweet today.”
Justine narrowed her eyes. “I can’t wait to hear this.” She changed into a tank top and boy shorts and took a seat on her side of the bed.
“When we got home from the park I turned on the TV, and Ella disappeared into the kitchen. I assumed she was getting goldfish crackers, but she was taking a long time, so I went to check and found her standing on the step stool, scooping peanut butter onto a slice of bread. I said ‘Ella, I’d have made you a sandwich.’ And she said ‘It’s not for me. It’s for you’.” Daniel pictured her, standing at the kitchen counter, looking like a miniature version of Marienne. “She’s so….”
“I’m sure she’s amazing.” Justine slipped beneath the covers and leaned over to kiss him. She swirled her tongue around his then pulled away, wiping her mouth. “You taste like peanut butter. I hate peanut butter.”
Daniel stared at her. “I’m trying to explain to you how extraordinary it is to be around this little person for an entire day, and all you can say is that you hate peanut butter? Doesn’t it interest you at all? Children? The idea of bringing a new life into the world and watching it develop its own identity? Does that hold no appeal for you whatsoever?”
Justine sighed and flopped onto her pillow. She didn’t answer.
He turned toward her, and placed his hand on her stomach. His fingers slipped beneath her shirt. “Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to have a baby, our baby, growing inside you?”
“No.”
His heart sank.
She said it again. “No.”
“Are you sure?” His voice felt gravelly, his hand remained motionless.
“I’m positive.”
He reached for his book and said nothing as he re-opened it.
“Daniel,” she said. “It’s not for me. I never wanted to be a mother. Never. It’s not something I see myself being any good at, and honestly it’s not something I want to try. Being with Ella seems to make you more certain you want a child, but it has the opposite effect on me. I look at her, and I look at Marienne, and I think ‘thank God that’s not me.’ It’s not what I want.”
He couldn’t look at her.
“I know you think it’s fun to do this once a week,” she said, “and that’s great, but I don’t know if you’ve thought about what it would be like on a daily basis. Kids are permanent. They’re a commitment and a drain on your energy. Look at you, one afternoon in the park and you’re exhausted. I want my life. I want business lunches, and dinners out, and people begging to hear my ideas. All of that is exhausting enough. I don’t have time for a child. And I don’t want one.”
Her words hit Daniel like pellets of ice.
I don’t want one.
He’d known, for a while, that she likely felt that way, but he’d managed to hold out hope that she would change her mind, that she’d reach some turning point and realize she did want a child. Tonight’s statement left no room for such an interpretation. She was clear and precise.
It’s not what I want.
The words echoed, leaving him cold from head to toe.
Justine ran her fingers over the edge of the sheet. “I’m sorry. It’s just not for me.”
She rolled over and within moments he heard her breathing slow. She was asleep.
Daniel lay awake beside her. The book was propped open on his chest, but he saw none of the words. Instead he saw images of Ella, dancing around her house, of Marienne playing with her, swinging her around. His mind flashed through memories of her pregnancy, her fears and joys, her worries about being a good mother. Then he thought of Justine’s ice-cold words and their unbearably grave meaning.
She doesn’t want a child. Ever.
He felt unspeakably empty. The book fell against his chest as he ran his hands through his hair. He massaged his forehead to soothe the aching sensations. His thoughts drifted again to Marienne. The sound of her voice, her laughter, the sweet vanilla scent of her. The always surprising happiness he felt when he was around her. The warmth that passed through him when she was near him.
He forced himself to open his eyes, to look at Justine, to see if there was any remnant of their past connection. He felt nothing. Watching as she slept he wondered where all the passion he had once felt had gone.
Or if it had ever existed.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Daniel’s insomnia was becoming more frequent. Unable to sleep he wandered outside to look at the stars. He settled into the lounge chair allowing the cool night air to soothe him.
BeeeBeeeeeep. The familiar sound of the home alarm being set sounded in the distance as Daniel began to awaken. The gentle summer breeze grazed his face as his eyes fluttered open. It was the sound of a car starting that brought him fully awake. He realized he was still outside, and the sounds that had awakened him meant Justine had set the alarm and was leaving for work.
“Shit.” He jumped up and nearly tripped over the watering can before he realized that Justine’s car had already pulled down the street. The option of chasing her to Main Street, in his boxers, did not strike him as a good idea.
“Shit.” He ran his hands through his hair, looking down at his faded Jane’s Addiction shirt and blue checked boxer shorts. He worked the sleep from his eyes with two aggressive index fingers.
I can’t believe I fell asleep outside. Idiot.