Mega Millions
Mega
Millions
by
Kristopher Mallory
A short absurd comedy
story.
Mega Millions
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2014 Kristopher
Mallory
Cover Art Copyright © 2012 Janiel
Escueta
~~~~
ISBN-13 (EPUB Version):
978-1-31104-193-7
~~~~
eBook License Notes:
You may not use, reproduce or
transmit in any manner, any part of this book without written
permission, except in the case of brief quotations used in critical
articles and reviews, or in accordance with federal Fair Use laws.
All rights are reserved.
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Names,
characters, places and incidents are products of the author's
imagination, or the author has used them fictitiously.
Other Books by
Kristopher Mallory
What People Are
Saying about Kris's Books:
I Know What They Are:
"This is absolutely amazing. Has me
a bit paranoid as I get deja vu quite a bit, hopefully not too many
good futures have passed me by..." –
Niamhel
Master Stargazer:
"Hands down one of the best short
sci fi books I have read" –
Ricky
G.
These Bad Dreams
Combined:
"No idea WTF is going on here, but
I'm fascinated!" –
Ali
Dedicated to Dan
Guntherson.
Table of
Contents
More from Stealth Fiction Publishing
Joshua Harris
waited in line at the liquor store to pay for a case of beer. As he
approached the cash register, he noticed the advertisement for the
Mega Millions. It had grown substantially since his last visit.
Josh never played the lottery. He knew it was for suckers. Besides,
he had more important things to spend money on: beer, beef jerky,
and potato chips.
The man in front of Josh paid for
his wine and exited the store. Josh didn't move, instead he stared
dumbly at the jackpot advertisement. The old woman behind Josh gave
him an impatient nudge.
"Sorry," Josh said and stepped
forward. "I must have been daydreaming."
"About winning?" The old woman
sighed. "It'd be nice."
"Huh?" Josh had no idea what she
was talking about.
"The jackpot, of
course."
"Oh, yeah, right," Josh said.
Actually, he hadn't been thinking about the jackpot at all.
Instead, he was considering how many beers he'd be able to drink
before Shelly would cuss him out, but since he didn't want to
appear to be an idiot, he said to the cashier, "Hey Kelly, how much
is that up to now?"
Kelly scanned the adult magazine
on the conveyor belt and put it a paper bag along with Josh's
snacks. "999 million. Largest jackpot ever."
The old woman said, "Someone's
dream is about to come true."
"Crazy," Kelly replied.
"Crazy," Josh agreed, thinking
about all the beer he could buy. "You know what? I'll get a
ticket."
Kelly raised an eyebrow. "Just
one?"
"Yeah, one will be
fine."
"What numbers do you want? I'll
key them in."
"Hell, I don't know." Josh picked
up a lottery brochure and looked over the list of numbers printed
on the back. He pointed at random numbers and quietly read them
off, then he thought better of picking that way. After placing the
brochure back, he grabbed a tiny, green pencil and a number
selection sheet. "Uhhh," Josh said and filled in the six five
numbers that came to mind.
Kelly held out her hand, and Josh
gave her the slip.
"Good luck," the old woman
said.
"No luck needed," Josh replied. "I
have a real good feeling about this."
Kelly loaded the beer into the
paper bag then handed the lottery ticket back to Josh along with
his change.
Josh unceremoniously stuffed the
ticket into his wallet, and in the process, dropped most of the
change on to the floor. "Oops," Josh said, and headed out of the
liquor store, leaving Kelly and the old woman to pick up his
mess.
As the door closed behind him,
Josh heard the old woman say, "What an assho—"
By the time Josh made it home,
he'd completely forgotten about purchasing the ticket. With his
long and hard day done, he sat in his favorite recliner, drank beer
after beer, and watched a college football game. After a while, he
fell asleep, just like always, and a few hours later, he woke up to
the annoying and loud voice of an infomercial pitch man trying to
sell him some new super-tool with a super-charged rotating this or
that, just like always.
Josh left the the television on
and groggily made his way upstairs.
Michelle, Josh's wife, was jarred
from sleep due to Josh tripping over his own jeans as he tried to
take them off. She was never happy to be woken up like that, Josh
knew, and since it happened so often, he should have known that she
wasn't happily married in general. In fact, Josh should have known
that Michelle was sick of it all, but mostly she was sick of
Josh.
There were plenty of other things
Josh should have known, as well. Michelle worked hard, took care of
the house, did the shopping, made the meals, and even took out the
damned garbage. When she wasn't busting her ass on things that
needed to be done around the house, she worked out on the treadmill
and attended a Pilates class to keep in shape. She had always been
a determined self-starter. The man she had married was a determined
lazy-ass. Josh did absolutely nothing around the house except drink
beer and watch sports. To Michelle, Josh was an unkempt, overweight
slob. She could have forgiven all of it, every single unattractive
quality, but what she couldn't forgive—the one thing that pissed
her off most of all—was that Josh refused to come to bed at a
reasonable time.
Michelle groaned loudly when Josh
finally managed to stumble onto the mattress.
Josh cleared his throat. "Oh, did
I wake you?"
"No," Michelle said. "My eyes are
closed because I enjoy looking at the back of my
eyelids."
Not paying attention to what she
had said, Josh simply replied, "That's nice." A few moments later,
he poked her in the back and said, "Hey, Shelly, you
wanna…."
"No!"
"Jeez." Josh rolled on his side
and wiggled around to get comfortable. Seconds later he began
snoring while Michelle cursed that day back in high school when she
had first met him.
At this exact moment, on the
television downstairs, a breaking news report claimed that lottery
agents were busy tracking down the sole winning ticket of the
largest ever jackpot. The reporter said that the ticket had been
purchased at a liquor store in a suburb of Madison, Wisconsin.
Coincidently, the same liquor store where Josh always buys his
beer.
Shortly before midnight, Josh did
one last thing on what may have been the luckiest day of his life:
He farted loudly, waking Michelle once more.
"One of these days, Josh,"
Michelle said. "One of these days."
$$$
The next morning
Michelle left for work before Josh had even woken up. As she drove,
she thought how much she adored her job. Mostly is was because of
the people she worked with, but also because it allowed her to keep
a separate, secret, bank account. Her grand plan was to one day run
away to a tropical island, where a Romance Novel Hunk would make
her forget all about the Pillsbury Dough Boy husband of
hers.
It wasn't that Michelle didn't love
Josh, he simply drove her crazy…
bat-shit
crazy
. Besides, the word
love,
she knew, was
fairly relative. A person could come to love all sorts of
things—like Brussels sprouts for example. They stink, they look
nasty, but if that were all there was to eat, well….
As for Josh's tendency to drive
Michelle insane, if someone were to ask Josh what Michelle did for
a living, he wouldn't have had the slightest clue. Sometimes he
thought she was a maid and other times he thought she was a baby
sitter. It all depended on what she was wearing on any given day,
and whether he liked her outfit, or not.
For the record, Michelle was an
office manager. And she hadn't just started working a new job, as
Josh seemed to think. She had been working at the same place for
several years. She'd explained that to Josh time and time again but
it was a futile effort.
While Michelle clocked in to begin
her shift at work, Josh was
still
sleeping soundly. Thanks to an elaborate alarm
system sure to wake even the most dedicated sleepers, he never had
to worry about getting up too late.
The system went something like
this: First, he would hit the snooze button on the alarm clock
which Michelle turned on for him each night. When that alarm went
off for the second time, he would hit snooze again. Next, he would
turn off the alarm clock completely and falls back to sleep. Then
all he needed to do is wait for the final step, which was the
telephone ringing and ringing until he couldn't stand it any
longer.
"Ehhhhhhhhhhloooow," Josh grumbled
into the phone.
"You're still in bed? Damn it! Get
your lazy ass to work, Josh, or I swear…one of these day's I'm
goi—"
Josh hung up the phone, happy to
have such a fail-proof alarm.
Instead of skipping breakfast, Josh
skipped the shower, the shave, and the toothbrush. Breakfast was,
after all,
most
important
. Michelle had explained to him
that breakfast wasn't most important, rather it was the most
important
meal of the
day
, and personal hygiene should always
come slightly
higher
than watching cartoons in skid marked underwear while gorging
on a super-sized portion of Lucky Charms. Sadly, Josh never saw the
validity of Michelle's argument.
Josh left his dishes unwashed in
the sink and the box of cereal open on the counter. He scratched
his ass, slipped into his clothes—the same clothes he wore the day
before—and headed off to work.