At the exact moment Josh started
the car, he was officially two hours late, which, for Josh, was
right on schedule. Some people at the office where Josh works
couldn't figure out the mystery of how someone could constantly be
late and not get fired. Though everyone was too afraid to ask, the
answer was quite simple: Months ago, Michelle had phoned Josh's
boss, Dan Guntherson, and asked that Josh's hours be changed.
Instead of arriving at nine like everyone else, she requested
Josh's arrival time be set for noon. Neither Michelle, nor Dan
Guntherson had bothered to tell Josh of the change, so technically
he was always on time and didn't even know it.
There was one drawback to the
otherwise perfect plan. Instead of leaving work at five like
everyone else in the office, Josh often stayed until eight—mostly
because he would fall asleep around four and no one ever bothered
to wake him. In that manner, Josh always got the full day's hours,
but since he thought his workday started at nine, he had grown an
enlarged sense of self-worth for all of the overtime he had put in
over the years. Josh was amazed, absolutely mind-blown, that the
company hadn't recognized his value and promoted him to senior
management, though he was positive that recognition would happen
any day.
As Josh drove to work that
afternoon, he noticed things around town seemed much livelier than
usual. There were camera crews in front the liquor store, people
were in the parking lot holding balloons, and everyone was smiling.
A huge banner stretched across the highway: "Congratulations,
Madison! We Got Us A Winner!"
Josh couldn't figure what all the
hubbub was about. He shrugged and wondered if maybe the circus was
coming to town. "Ooh," he said, smiling. Then the smile turned to a
frown, and he huffed. "Shelly will have a fit if I go. She never
lets me have any fun."
While still thinking about
elephants and circus clowns, Josh walked into the office building
to find everyone huddled together, talking about the big news.
Madison was a small place where everyone knew almost everyone else,
so right then, most people were keeping an eye on the television,
waiting for the news reporter's announcement.
"Well, we all showed up so clearly
none of us won." Dan Guntherson laughed.
"Can you imagine?" Joe from
accounting said. "I bet the lucky bastard is already on a jet to
the Bahamas."
"They're probably scared to come
forward," Dan Guntherson said. "You know, all the vultures come out
of the woodwork when they smell money. What do you think,
Josh?"
"Huh?" Josh was daydreaming about
tightrope walkers falling to their deaths.
Dan Guntherson gestured to the
television.
"Oh," Josh said. "The circus.
Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go this year."
Everyone laughed.
"You're right!" Abdul from
marketing slapped Josh on the back. "There's a circus out there,
and
none
of us
are invited!"
Everyone laughed again.
Dan Guntherson punched Josh in the
shoulder. "Good one!"
"Err, thanks," Josh said, not
understanding what was so funny about a second-rate
circus.
"Seriously though," Dan Guntherson
said, "I can't believe one of our own hit nearly a billion dollars.
God, what I wouldn't do to have a share of that."
"I'd sell out my own grandmother
for only half a mil," Lisa from the mailroom said, nodding her head
with that
not bad
look on face.
"I'd buy bitcoins!" Ken the intern
shouted. "Lots a lots a lots a bitcoin, yeah!"
"And Christ," Dan Guntherson
continued, "the numbers they played…it's no wonder there was only
one winner. It must have been some kind of joke."
Everyone, except for Josh, burst
out laughing again.
Josh furrowed his brow and looked
at each of his coworkers huddled around the television. The burned
out light bulb in his head momentarily caught a spark. He
whispered, "What a second…." Then tapped his finger on his chin. "I
don't think the circus
is
coming. Did someone…?" He wondered how to word
his next sentence so he wouldn't appear to be as stupid as he knew
Dan Guntherson really was. He cleared his throat and said, "Gee,
you know the darnedest thing happened last night. I kind of fell
asleep early, fellas. I don't have all the details on the jackpot.
What do you mean the numbers had to be a joke?"
Candy from human resources
giggled. "You didn't hear that part?"
Everyone hushed each
other..
"No, I guess I didn't," Josh said
and scratched his head, wondering why people were giving him a hard
time.
"Aces, Josh!" Dan Guntherson said.
"Get this, the numbers the person played, the numbers that won the
biggest jackpot of all time…."
Josh slowly took in a breath and
held it.
"One," Dan Guntherson
said.
Josh nodded. "One? Yeah? Go on,
Dan, my man."
Seemingly unable to contain his
amusement any longer, Dan Guntherson blurted out,
"
Two-three-four-five-six!
"
The whole office exploded in
hysteric cackling. Everyone seemed so caught up in the joke, Josh
thought that none of them noticed all the blood drain from his
face. His hands trembled as he reached into the front pockets of
the pants he'd worn the day prior. "One…two…three…four… five…six,"
he said, fishing around for the lotto ticket.
"One…two…three…four…five…six."
The ticket wasn't
there.
Joshnreplayed the memory of buying
his beer. He pictured himself looking at all of the numbers from
which he could choose.
Hell,
he'd thought.
The first
six numbers are as good as any, right?
Josh silently retreated from the
still-laughing office workers. He hid in the bathroom to figure out
what he should to do next. He fished around in his pockets again,
with both hands that time, checking each nook and cranny several
different ways. When that still didn't uncover the ticket, he
resorted to taking off his pants and shaking them. Crumpled
receipts, a bottle cap, a used, crusty tissue, no ticket. A gum
wrapper, a penny, lint, no ticket!
Josh knew with one-hundred percent
certainty that he was Madison, Wisconsin's big winner. All he
needed to do was find the proof.
$$$
A few minutes
later, Josh was in one of the stalls. He yelled, "No! Come on!
Wait! Don't hang…. Please, please don't hang…. Shit! Shit!
Shit!"
Dan Guntherson walked into the
bathroom. He sniffed the air and chuckled. "Everything all right?
Sounded like you might have eaten bad Chinese food."
"Fine," Josh said.
"They're all out there with these
disgustedly horrified expressions, you know."
"How about a little privacy, Dan?
I'm a bit, uh, busy in here."
"Right-o, I don't want to
interrupt," Dan Guntherson said. "I just drew the short straw to
come and make sure you didn't need any medical assistance. Not
dying or anything?"
"Not yet," Josh said. "Well, I
will be if I don't find it?"
"Uhhh, you lost it?"
"It wasn't my fault. It could have
gone anywhere."
"Ah a phantom, that isn't so bad!
Hope the rest comes out okay!"
"Me too."
Dan Guntherson left the bathroom,
and Josh heard a roar of laughter.
Despite how the situation might
have appeared to Dan Guntherson, Josh wasn't having a severe case
of diarrhea, nor had he experience a phantom turd. No, his problem
was much worse. Because he couldn't find the ticket, he had dialed
information and asked for the number to the lottery office. The
first scream everyone in the office had heard was Josh mistaking a
recording for a live operator. After pressing zero twice, followed
by three, followed by five, followed by nine, followed by zero
again, he was finally passed on to a live person, who promptly
transferred him to
'someone in another
department who could help,'
which as it
turned out, was back to the same recording, resulting in the second
loud scream that Josh's co-workers had heard. Finally, Josh had
managed to hit the right series of numbers and a chirpy man
answered.
"Lotto Department! How may I help
you?"
"Yeah, uh…. Hi. I'm Josh Harris. I
purchased a ticket the other day. It turns out I'm the winner. The
big winner, I mean. I won the mega millions. You know that one,
right? Yeah, of course you do. Sorry. So, anyway, I won and you're
looking for me. I need to know what to do to get my money…. Can you
help with that?"
As if reading off a script, the
lottery agent had said, "Certainly! I'm happy to assist, Mr.
Harris. Thank you for playing the lottery, and congratulations. If
you could read me the twenty-four digit verification code found on
the back of the—"
"Wait," Josh
interrupted.
"Mr. Harris?"
"There's a problem, you see.
Slight problem, really. It's just that I can't find the ticket. I
think I may have lost it."
"Oh, I do see, sir." The lottery
agent cleared his throat. "Let me get some additional information
and we can go over options. You're saying you won the jackpot, and
then you lost the ticket?"
"Yes."
"Gotcha! So in other words, you
want me to get the agency to pay out an obscenely large sum of
money to you, taking just your word that you are the
winner?"
"Exactly."
The lottery agent had paused for a
long time. Finally he had said, "That is not a problem at all, Mr.
Harris! I believe I have a solution!"
"Wonderful!" Josh had screamed and
jumped around the bathroom stall.
"Wonderful, indeed! I'm going to
read you a long paragraph which will inform you that you are
complete and utterly out of luck, and you are not to call back. Are
you ready?"
As the lottery agent had quickly
read off the official
'no ticket
policy,'
Josh screamed, "No! Come on!
Wait! Don't hang…Please, please don't hang…. Shit! Shit!
Shit!"
It was then that Dan Guntherson
had come into the bathroom. After Dan had left, Josh had called
back again, and the lottery agent laughed and promptly hung up on
him.
Josh shoved his phone into his
pocket, and ran out of the bathroom so quickly, he plowed into Dan
Guntherson, knocking him over. Not bothering to help his boss back
to his feet, Josh yelled, "Sorry, again Dan! I just got royally
fucked in there."
Dan Guntherson's jaw
dropped.
"Exactly!" Josh said, and rushed
out the front door.
$$$
The first thing
Michelle noticed when she pulled into the driveway was her couch
sitting in the front lawn along with nearly everything else she
owned. Before the scene could fully register, she saw Josh pop his
head out of house and throw her grandmother vase, which then
shattered on the porch steps.
"Josh!" Michelle screamed through
the window of her car.
Josh looked up, muttered a quick,
"Oh, hi, Shelly," then went back to throwing things out into the
yard.
"What
the
fuck
are you doing to my house, Josh? Are
you mad?"
"Ya, actually," Josh said. "I am
pretty pissed off."
Michelle clenched her fists,
rested them on her hips, and tapped her foot impatiently. "I demand
you explain yourself right this instant."
Josh drops the cable box on the
pavement then ran back inside and grabbed a lamp from one of the
end tables. "Shelly…baby…I was going to come home and tell you to
pack your bags because I just won the lottery. You were supposed to
be super-excited and say,
'should I pack
for the sun or the snow?'
Then I was going
to say,
'it don't fuckin' matter, Shelly!
Just pack your shit and get the hell out!'
" Josh tossed the lamp, which Michelle caught, then he threw
his head back and laughed hysterically.
"I'm not in the mood for your
stupid jokes! Stop what you are doing!"
Josh held up a finger. "One big
joke, "he corrected. "It's gotta be here somewhere!"
Michelle raised her arms above her
head. "Fine! Whatever! I give up! I'm going to take a bath and I
expect you to have my house put back together in an hour, or I
swear to God, I'm going to have someone come get you. Do not test
me, Josh."
"Just wait, Shelly. I'll show
you," Josh said, while dragging the loveseat through the doorway.
"I know it's here somewhere."
Michelle sighed. "Whatever," She
said and climbed over the love seat. "Just make sure it's all back
where it was when I come down."
"Yeah, yeah," Josh said. "It won't
matter once I find it."
Michelle rolled her eyes then
stomped up the steps. "You've been warned."