Men, Women & Children (9 page)

chapter

nine

A
llison Doss and Brooke Benton arrived at Rory Pearson’s house an hour after school ended to do their geometry homework. Despite exhibiting several highly effeminate traits—as well as being the only male member of the Goodrich Junior High Olympiannes and being sexually attracted to men—Rory maintained that he was straight because his parents were fervently religious and made a point of telling him daily that no homosexuals would be allowed into heaven and, in fact, that all homosexuals would burn in Lucifer’s hell. Rory’s mother regularly attended meetings of a militant antihomosexual Christian group that touted the slogan “God Hates Fags” along with several other “God Hates . . .” slogans referring to other groups. Rory planned to remain untruthful about his sexual orientation until he could leave for college. He found Allison and Brooke to be good friends. He assumed they knew he was homosexual but simply never questioned him about his desire to remain secretive about it.

As the girls came in, they were surprised to see Rory’s older brother, Cal, who was a freshman at North East, and his friend Brandon Lender playing
Band Hero
. Allison hadn’t had any interaction with Brandon Lender since the end of her seventh grade year, when he said to her, “I’d fuck you if I could find the hole.” Allison still felt some part of the crush she’d developed for Brandon as she saw him sitting on the Pearsons’ couch holding a pair of drumsticks.

Hearing the girls enter, Brandon and Cal turned around. Cal said, “ ’Sup ladies?”

Brooke said, “Not much. Just homework.”

Allison said, “That’s about it.”

Brandon said, “Sweet.”

After the brief interaction, the girls headed to Rory’s room at the back of the house. They got out their geometry textbooks and began the night’s homework assignment.

Allison said, “I didn’t know your brother was friends with Brandon Lender.”

Rory said, “Yeah. I guess they’re both starters on the JV football team or something. I don’t know. He’s a bitch, if you ask me.”

Brooke said, “Your brother or Brandon?”

Rory said, “They’re both kind of bitches, if you really boil it down. Who cares? Let’s get this done—then we can watch the Mike Tyson
Oprah
.”

Brooke said, “In my opinion, you watch that thing way too much. We watch it literally every time we come over. How are you not tired of it?”

Rory said, “Are you fucking kidding me? Please. I’ve watched it pretty much every day for like a year. I’ll keep watching it until my DVR wears out and then I’ll watch it online. It’s the best thing that has ever happened on TV.”

They finished their homework and then all got in Rory’s bed to watch the episode of
The Oprah Winfrey Show
in which she interviewed Mike Tyson. Allison wondered what Brandon thought of her now that she was thin. After a few minutes of watching, Allison said, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

Rory said, “You want us to pause it?”

Allison said, “No, it’s cool. BRB.”

Allison left Rory’s room and went toward the bathroom nearest to the living room, where she last saw Brandon Lender. She found Brandon playing
Band Hero
by himself. She said, “Hey.”

Brandon paused the game and said, “Hey.”

She said, “Where’s Cal?”

Brandon said, “He went to the store. We needed some
mas
beverages and his parents wanted him to pick up something for dinner before they get home from work in like an hour or whatever.”

She said, “He walked to the store?”

Brandon said, “Nah, nah, he snatched up his learner’s permit this week. He’s completely mobile as of, like, two days ago.”

She said, “Oh.”

Brandon said, “You can sit down if you want.”

She walked over and sat down next to him. He said, “So you must have went on like a
Biggest Loser
diet boot camp or some shit over the summer, right?”

She said, “Yeah, I just kind of started watching what I ate more.”

He said, “Well, it shows. You’re, like, a serious piece.”

Allison found nothing demeaning in what Brandon said. She found his approval of her appearance to be a just reward for the hard work she had done over the summer and continued to do by forcing herself to omit meals regularly.

Brandon said, “You ever kiss anybody?”

She said, “Not exactly.”

He took her hand and said, “Come here.”

Brandon led her into Cal’s room and shut the door, locking it as he did. Allison saw Cal’s shoulder pads and helmet sitting on the floor next to his bed. She could smell the sweat that saturated the cloth in both of them. Brandon walked over and sat on Cal’s bed, patting the area next to him. Allison sat down beside him. Brandon reached up, put one hand behind her head, and forced her mouth to his. Allison had imagined her first kiss being different from the one she experienced now. This kiss was more forceful and sloppy than she had foreseen in her imagination—nothing sweet about it, too urgent. She pulled back a little and Brandon said, “What’s the deal?” as he took off his North East Football T-shirt.

This was the first boy Allison had a crush on, the first boy she had thought of in a romantic manner, the first boy she imagined being in this exact scenario with. That meant something to her, and now he was sitting next to her in a bed with his shirt off. When Brandon reached back up and pulled her toward him again, she gave in. He kissed her roughly and put his hand under her shirt, pawing at her ribcage and breasts. Allison liked everything about her body except her breasts. She knew boys liked big breasts and hers were among the smallest of any girl in the eighth grade. She opened her mouth and let Brandon insert his tongue into it, deep enough that their teeth knocked together repeatedly. It was unpleasant, but she was too concerned with attempting to detect any dissatisfaction Brandon may have had with her breasts to protest.

Allison knew she wasn’t ready for anything that she assumed was about to happen, but she didn’t want to disappoint Brandon. She didn’t want to feel the same rejection she had felt that last time they’d spoken, in the seventh grade.

She had had her first menstruation over the summer, but it had been somewhat erratic and irregular in the months that followed, so Allison had only had cause to insert two tampons into her vagina. These were the only experiences she knew that involved anything being inserted into her. This was much different.

She wished Brandon’s technique were gentler. The texture of his hands was rough and his motion was jerky and too deep, at times painful. He eventually removed Allison’s shirt, skirt, and underwear so she lay completely nude in Cal Pearson’s bed. He then stood up and removed his own jeans and underwear, leaving his knee-high football socks on, pushed down around his ankles. She noted this and added it to the list of details that she would always remember and would always wish had been different.

Brandon lowered himself back down on top of her and said, “Have you ever done this before?”

Allison said, “No.”

He said, “Cool.”

Allison said, “Have you?”

He said, “Yeah, I’m in high school. I’ve fucked like three times. It’s awesome. You don’t really have to do anything. It’s mainly on me. Just lay there. You’re actually pretty lucky that I’ve done it enough to know what I’m doing. You’ll totally love it.”

Allison said, “Do you have a girlfriend or anything?”

He said, “Fuck no.”

She waited for Brandon to do whatever he was about to do. She felt remarkably like she was waiting for an injection to be administered by a doctor. She hoped that she was making the event worse in her mind with anticipation than it would turn out to be in reality. She looked up at Brandon. He was looking away from her, concentrating, propping himself up on one arm, and then he entered her.

It was unlike anything Allison had ever felt. It didn’t seem like something that big should ever be inserted into her vagina. As he thrust into her with more and more intensity, she felt his penis pushing against her hymen and said, “Ow, ow—slow down.” Brandon said, “Oh, yeah. The first time for you is gonna hurt a little, but it’s like something you kind of have to do to just get it over with. I have to pop your cherry. You know what I’m saying? We can stop if you want, I’m down. But eventually you’re gonna have to let some dude do it. My dick’s already in and everything, but I’m not, like, a rapist or some shit. Your call.”

Allison thought about this for a brief second. It seemed rational enough, what Brandon was saying. She had heard that a girl’s first time could hurt, but that it got better each successive time thereafter. She reasoned that she was already there, already having sex, and it was with a boy that she had a crush on for a long time—the first boy she ever really liked. She said, “It’s cool.”

Brandon said, “Cool,” and thrust his hips forward with more intensity than he had before. On the fourth such thrust, he ruptured Allison’s hymen and said, “Boom—popped that cherry,” and put his tongue in her ear as he continued to thrust in and out of her.

The pain was intense, but she had become used to experiencing physical pain from hunger. She had developed countless techniques that she employed to ignore pain. In this case she chose to think about a time when she was younger and her parents took her and her little brother on a vacation to SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida. She had a specific memory of that day—something inconsequential, but a memory to which she had always attached great happiness.

Her father had stopped at an ice cream stand and, without her even having to make the request, bought her a waffle cone with chocolate ice cream and sprinkles—her favorite kind of ice cream cone. There was something about the look on her father’s face as he gave it to her that would always remind her of happiness, of a time when an ice-cream cone could mean the world to her. She missed her father in that moment, as she lay in Cal Pearson’s bed with Brandon Lender on top of her, inside of her. She wondered what her father was doing at that moment.

Brandon said, “Oh yeah, I’m almost there,” and then he shuddered and bit down hard on her nipple as he thrust into her one last time with all of his force. He said, “Oh shit. That was like fucking an Olsen twin or some shit. You cool?”

Allison nodded, on the verge of tears. Brandon said, “Cool,” as he pulled out of her and looked down at his penis. He said, “Snap—murder scene on my dick. I’m gonna hit the bathroom down here. You cool with the one upstairs to clean up and everything?”

Allison nodded again. Brandon said, “Cool,” then put on his shirt and pants and headed out of Cal’s room saying, “You should probably hurry up. Cal could be back here soon, and he probably wouldn’t be that cool with me and you fucking in here.”

Allison lay on Cal’s bed for a few seconds, just feeling the pain between her legs. She wasn’t a virgin anymore, which relieved her on some level, but she wished it had been different. She pulled her skirt back up and put on her shirt but held her underwear in her hand, not wanting to get blood on them. As she stood from Cal’s bed, she felt a combination of blood and semen run down her leg and wondered if sex would be like this every time. She hoped not.

After she washed what she could off her legs and vagina in the upstairs bathroom, she put her underwear back on and came back downstairs, where Brandon sat on the couch playing
Guitar Hero
by himself. She thought about sitting down next to him but got no indication from him that it was something he wanted so she didn’t. Instead, she said, “Do you want my number to text me or anything?”

Brandon said, “Just get me on Facebook if you want to fuck again or something. But don’t put any shit on my wall or anything. Seriously. This shit is probably best on the d-low. Ya heard?”

Allison said, “Okay.” She took out her cell phone, found Brandon’s Facebook page, and sent him a friend request along with a message that read, “I had a good time hanging out 2nite.” She thought about how Brandon had compared her to an Olsen twin as she walked back into Rory’s room. He said, “Okay, that was, like, fifteen minutes—you were either taking the world’s biggest shit or you were totally flirting with my brother or Brandon. Talk.”

Allison thought briefly about telling Rory and Brooke everything that had just happened, but found that she felt the same way about having just had sex for the first time as she did about not eating. It was a secret that carried some shame for her, but also some power. It was hers and hers alone. She said, “A lady never talks about what she does in the bathroom.”

Rory said, “You little slut,” as Allison climbed into his bed, hoping not to bleed through her underwear, and they all continued watching Oprah and Mike Tyson. After half an hour or so went by without her friend request being accepted by Brandon, she began to wonder if he was ignoring it. She chose to convince herself that he had just left his phone at home or hadn’t checked it since she sent the friend request.

To take her mind off wondering when or if Brandon would add her as a friend, Allison began to compose, in her head, the post she would write on the Ana’s Underground Grotto message board when she got home. She would omit any feelings of shame, guilt, or doubt that she might actually have had during the act as she wrote the post. She decided the focus of her post would be the idea that if a girl were to maintain her diet and get thin enough she could get any boy she wanted—even one who, less than a year before, had thought she was fat enough to insult. She wondered how many complimentary comments she would get on her post.