Mercy F*uck (9 page)

Forcing her to look at me, I was about to tear into her for getting it all wrong when I saw her eyes filled with unshed tears. Tears I caused and all these years and had no idea.

Drew was too pretty for tears and I was determined not to let them fall.

Not over a misunderstanding.

“You’re leaving?” he asked looking so confused I almost fell to the floor begging him to take the words back. But I would never beg. Not for him, not anyone. I swear to God when he reached for me I almost caved. Then those fucking words slapped me in the face and for the first time in my life, I nutted a guy. I needed him to hurt, to feel pain.

Axle would never know how much hurting him hurt me no more than he’d ever know that he’d taken my heart, my trust and my world and fucking destroyed it. Mercy fuck. Two words that would change the course of my life and I’d allow it.

Not only was I a terrible bluffer with the whole
schedule
thing, I hated that he believed it and that it caused him hurt. Then I hated myself for caring in the first fucking place!
Feelings are for pussies remember?!?

And he’s the enemy for fuck’s sake!
Get your shit together, Carol!

But the look on his face… as if, those two words hurt him too.

No.

He would not receive the benefit of the doubt. Not now, not after nine years of festering hate that started with him! Refusing to process any of this, when my fight or flight response kicked in, I ran for it.

Only I was on a boat, with no place to fucking run
to
.

Needing to breathe, needing to be left the hell alone, I was granted neither when he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

“Let me go,” I tried demanding but it sounded more like a whine.

“Drew,” he said my name so softly, just like he used to and I hated him for it. I hated that I fell for his lies once, I couldn’t do it again. I hated that I let what happened that night affect me this long. I hated that I wasn’t her anymore. The girl who was all those things he mentioned and more. Because I did love him. I saw nothing
but
him.

Over the years, men have tried, good men, to get through to me but I mistreated everyone. I broke them, used them. Never, not once, did I enjoy it but I reasoned that it was better it be their heart than mine. For everyone I hurt, I always hoped Axle somehow felt it. So when he kisses my nose, the tears did fall and I hated that too. “Wish you would have talked to me,” he says using his thumb to wipe my cheeks. “I would have explained to you why I said it.”

Just like that, I was her again, the young woman head over heels for the bad boy, desperate for his attention. Apparently I wanted answers too.

“Why did you say it?”

“For the same reason I came to the bar every single one of your shifts, fixed your Jeep, made you go to frat parties and bought the Impala.” At my confused look, he smiles and whispered, “To keep the sharks away, Drew. To protect my girl, keep her for myself until she was ready for me.”

“I didn’t want them,” I say pitifully.

“You think any motherfucker with a working dick on campus gave a fuck about that? You were a fantasy and every guy I knew wanted a piece of you. So yes, I said it. I was twenty-one and just took your virginity. I make it out to be the best night of my life and guess what happens? I find myself with competition and I wasn’t letting that happen. Couldn’t risk it.”
Back the fucking truck up!

“You expect me to believe you were protecting me?”

“Did then, am now.”

“Stop with the caveman speak and explain what that even means!”

“Someone is gunning for you, possibly me, maybe even both of us. I wasn’t followed here, I made sure of it. So whoever that was knows you, your routine. Until we figure it out, I’m not leaving your side. Which is good because it gives us time to work out your issues.”

“You can’t be serious,” I wheeze like a life-long smoker.

“Oh, I’m serious,” he smiles like he’d won. “Bestie.”

“Hell no,” I argue lamely.

“It’ll be like old times,” he grinned while running his hands up and down my arms.

“I’m serious, Axle, no. We aren’t kids anymore. You have a job; I have a job –”

As if I was talking to myself he cuts me off. “I have my work cut out for me. Luckily, I don’t shy away from hard labor. Though by accident, I cemented this hate in you,” he says stroking my cheek. “Alls I gotta do is break the foundation. Get you to forgive me because it’s forgivable and we both know it.”

“Shut up,” I warn him.

“There’s love for me underneath, Drew, you buried it but I’m determined to dig it up.”

“God dammit,” I snap trying to break his hold. “Stop talking!”

“I’ll keep it safe this time,” he whispered and I felt the sincerity. “I haven’t changed. I’m still the guy who wants to invest in you. Shit, I was all in before we even had sex. I know the difference between lust and love. Lust is fleeting, love is
you
. You left before I could show you that guy, Drew. You shouldn’t have left.”

Crying freely, I try pulling away; only he won’t let me. Pinning my arms behind my back he kisses me once and then slays me with his words. “You weren’t a mercy fuck,
I was
. You could have had anyone, hell, they were lined up. But you chose me. You chose me, God dammit.”

I did choose him. Even if I could do it all over again knowing the outcome would still be the same the next morning, I’d choose him all over again. The night I spent with him was everything. It was the morning after that I can’t seem to get beyond. Weighing his words, I take a risk by asking him, “How do we get back to being friends?”

“I don’t want a friend. I want those fucking years back.”

“You’re asking a lot of me. How do I just let go of nine years of hate?”

“Not hate, hurt.”

This was true but, “I don’t know where to start,” I say honestly.

“You can stop fucking the Lions’ offense, that’s a start.”

And with that, I nutted him.

Again.

Mike was on his knees gasping for air when my fist connected to the back of his head. “I fucking told you,” I grunted when I realized I’d busted my hand. “Don’t look at her.”

“I didn’t look!”

“You not only looked,” I roared kicking him in the gut. “But you ran your fucking mouth too.”

“I didn’t say shit that wasn’t true!”

“You came to my fucking place running your mouth and ruined the moment, asshole. Because of you showing up, I left her in bed alone and came back to her leaving.”

“The hell does that have to do with me, Axle?”

Great fucking question and the answer was nothing, but I needed someone to take it out on. My girl took off, as in…gone. “You’re beating my ass over a mercy fuck?”

“She is not a mercy fuck,” I vowed. “She’s mine.”

Then I put him out of his misery.

But it didn’t cure my own.

After taking another blow to the nuts last night, it was clear Drew was fully committed to hating me now.

Or, if given a get out of jail free card; manslaughter.

The small amount of headway I made by setting the record straight was ruined by letting my jealousy show.

I also made a mental note to always watch what her right knee was doing because, fuck.

Refusing to let a setback get in my way, I came to the bar when her shift started and I haven’t left. Since she isn’t speaking to me, I decided to introduce myself to her staff. None of them know what to do with me yet so I decided to make it clear I wasn’t leaving, by finding a wall to occupy. Right away I realized Tiny was, hands down, the world's worst bouncer.

The guy was a monster. I didn’t get it.
What a waste
…

Luis, the bar back, doesn’t say much but nods his answers instead. The guy I liked least was Fudge, her lone head of security and all around grumpy asshole. He wasn’t a big guy but he was cagey as fuck, which was almost worse.

Shane was the man-boy I’d seen and Drew’s shadow. The kid did whatever she told him to do and he did it well.

For some time, she’s been the lone bartender but has slowly been showing Shane the ropes. Shane explained she was looking to hire another guy behind the bar but has kicked out the last six that came in to interview. Apparently, she doesn’t hire pussies or perverts. She also doesn’t take shit, accept excuses, or allow laziness.

However, as far as bosses went, her guys adored her. As in, they would light themselves on fire if she asked.

I saw for myself they were treated like family; a family she was the head of.

I also found out Drew
owned The Hole
.

Because Shane has a big mouth and loved to sing her praises, I found out she owns several other places too. Where
The Hole
was her spot, the others were pure business. He claims she has managers and partners that handle those venues. He also claims she’s beyond successful, lives and breathes work and never takes time off.
Guess that’s why she could afford the Regal…

“Don’t you have a job?” she asks from behind the bar she had just finished wiping down.

“Yeah,” I nod once. “You.”

“Right,” she says with enough attitude to drop a weaker man where he stood.
Good thing I’m not weak
. “If you’re going to take up space, at least do something useful and take Shane out back.”

“You want me to kill the kid?”

“No,” she sighs then rolling her eyes as if I’m the idiot here. “I want you to teach him how to fight.”

“Teach him how to fight?”

“Dirty.”

“Dirty?”

“Really dirty.”

“Why haven’t you?”

Setting down the towels in her hand, she approaches and I wanted to pull her to me and kiss her but, I didn’t. I didn’t because I liked my nuts and they finally dropped back into place this morning. “He needs to learn from a man,” she admits for my ears only. “His dad is rough on him so he needs to learn, from you. Not me,
you
.”

“Rough how?”

“He’s barely twenty-one living at home with an abusive parent who happens to be a cop with a chip on his shoulder,” she explains with frustration lacing her words. “He deserves a fighting chance, literally.”

“That’s why you hired him, isn’t it?”

“He’s a good kid,” she shrugs in a way only she could. As if helping the kid out was no big deal.
The Hole
was a well-oiled machine. She didn’t need the kid. She hired him so she could keep an eye on him, protect him.