Merit Badge Murder (6 page)

Oh right. Riley was kind of a health food nut.

"If I tell you," I said, "you wouldn't eat it."

"Fair enough," he said as he tasted it. A huge smile lit up his face. He liked it. "Is this organic?" he asked.

I kicked him under the breakfast bar, and he shut up. Kelly looked like she was about to murder him. He'd have to get in line because I was pretty sure she was going to do in Lana first. Maybe I should've brought her in from the beginning.

We ate the entire casserole. Murder makes people hungry.

Riley wiped his mouth on a napkin, reminding me, to my surprise once again, that I have napkins, and nodded to Kelly. "My compliments. That was perfect."

Kelly started to melt a little as she introduced herself. Riley's looks and manner would do that to anyone.

"Kelly's been my best friend since we were little," I said with a little glare at Lana. "She knows about my past, and she's a nurse. She thinks Midori was hit at the base of the skull with something. It broke her neck."

Riley walked over to the blanket and lifted it, exposing Midori, who'd started to turn a little gray.

"Shit," he said. "Now the Yakuza's involved? What the hell is going on?"

"No idea," I said. I was clueless with this one. I'd never worked with Midori. Never even got close. Not that I hadn't tried. I did a brief stint in Tokyo, but I couldn't turn anyone in her organization. She was just too terrifying.

Midori Ito was the Yakuza's first lady. Her husband was the kingpin, but she was the one who really called the shots. She was very short and wore a chin-length bob that people said was conditioned with the tears of infants. And she had a thing for torture, especially torture including sharp pieces of origami that she could jam into soft places on your body. She enjoyed hurting people. The CIA had her on their radar for some time, but we just couldn't break the organization. No one would talk.

Whoever killed Midori was good. Rumor was the woman was half-ninja, half-robot. She'd killed literally dozens of men who'd betrayed the organization. After that—no one would even think about screwing her over. There wasn't enough Hello Kitty crap in the world to bribe someone to do that.

"Japanese organized crime…Colombian drug cartel…and al-Qaeda. All here, all at the same time. What does it mean?" I asked.

"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" Kelly asked as she started washing dishes. She was just awesome like that. Riley looked at me, and I nodded. He filled Kelly in as I stared at the body, trying to make sense of it all. I briefly filled her in, punctuating my language with extreme pantomime. The way she rolled her eyes told me she thought that was a bit over the top.

As for the explanation of how this was being pulled off…I couldn't come up with anything. None of these organizations collaborated with each other. As far as I knew, none of the dead bad guys had ever even met. It made no sense whatsoever. And talk about effort. Getting these three together
alive
seemed impossible.

"They all died here," I said.

"What's that?" Riley looked at me.

"They all died here. They were all brought here, or came here on their own, alive. Now what would make something that epic happen?"

No one spoke. We had nothing. No ideas. There was no way to know without doing some investigating. But the media on the front lawn made that impossible to do.

"Shouldn't you call the police or something?" Kelly asked, pointing to the dead Japanese mobster.

I looked at Riley. "What are we going to do about that? We can't just get rid of her. But if we call in the police, my house becomes a crime scene."

"We'll have to move it," Riley said, rubbing his chin. "Dump her somewhere else to draw the attention away from Merry."

I nodded. It sounded like a fairly good idea. "Where are you going to take her, and how are you going to get her out without being spotted?"

Kelly spoke up. "I could take her to the hospital."

"That's still too close," I said. "Anywhere in the same state is going to set off alarms."

"Well how far away do you want to go so it's not too close?" Kelly asked.

"Japan," I suggested.

Riley shook his head. "That's not going to happen. I think I'll take her to Chicago and dump her in Chinatown."

"She's not Chinese, Riley," I said.

"Hey!" Kelly grinned. "There's that huge Japanese supermarket in the suburbs! You could take her there!" Kelly would know that. She loved taking trips to Chicago for ingredients you couldn't find here. I usually went with her for the free samples.

I thought about Midori's body being found in a grocery store. "How would they explain it? That she got hungry for edamame she could only get in Chicago?"

Riley said, "Who cares? It becomes the Chicago PD's problem, not ours. The FBI will probably get involved too. Then it becomes a circus.
Their
circus."

"I'm going with you." I couldn't stay in this house one more minute, and going out the front door wasn't going to work.

"No way," Riley disagreed. "If we got busted with the body and you in the same car, this would only get worse. Much worse."

"I think she should go," Kelly said. We turned and looked at her. "She's got to get out of here before they break down the door. They don't know what she looks like, but if they take her picture it'll be broadcast all over the world." She pointed at my hair. "And even with different hair and eye color, someone would figure out who she really is."

Lana nodded. She'd been quiet this whole time. No
look at me
this, or
I'm a hottie
that. I wondered what had gotten into her.

"We can't just leave Lana here alone," Riley said. I smiled. He'd agreed I could go. That was a small victory.

We looked at the Russian bombshell. No, leaving her alone meant too much temptation for her to burst out the front door asking for directions to Hugh Hefner's Playboy mansion. Lana was a powder keg of unpredictability. I looked at Kelly meaningfully.

She shook her head and waved us off. "No way. I'm not bringing
that
home to my husband. Especially since I have to work the night shift tonight." Kelly didn't really have anything to worry about. Her husband, Robert, adored her. But that might not stop him from staring. And there was much to stare at.

"She has to go with us," Riley said finally. Lana's face lit up like a Christmas tree as if Riley had just proposed, overthrown her beloved Putee, and given her Russia for a present.

"I don't think that's a good idea. She has to stay here," I said, suddenly smiling. "Now, where did you park your car? Because I have an idea."

"This is never going to work," Riley said for the thirtieth time. We ignored him like we had the previous twenty-nine times he'd said it.

"If two CIA operatives, one Russian spy, and a nurse can't make this happen," I said, "no one can."

"One CIA officer, one ex-CIA agent, and one ex-Russian spy," Riley corrected. "Although I do have absolute faith in the nurse."

Kelly blushed, and I wanted to smack her. She had no idea how Riley could use his charms. But he was right, I was pretty sure of all of us, she really was the competent one.

Lana giggled and bounced up and down, which meant that other parts of her also bounced up and down. She'd changed back into her skin-tight dress and Louboutin heels. I had no doubt she could pull this off. Lana lived for acting. That's why she'd been good at what she did.

Riley zipped up the suitcase and nodded. It was time to go. We opened up the door, and Lana slipped through the doorway. Five seconds later, Kelly followed, nodding solemnly at me as she headed out. Ten minutes later, Riley and I left. I locked the door behind me as Riley wrestled with the old, beat up case. Hopefully, anyone watching would think I was splitting with a packed suitcase, never suspecting that a diminutive and rotting Japanese gangster was folded up inside.

Riley had parked in the alley behind my house. Only the neighbors knew it was there—and they didn't care really because it was technically mine and I never used it. Weeds and seven-foot-tall bushes obscured the entrance because I thought it looked rustic that way (which really means I was very lazy). It was overgrown and out of sight. Outsiders wouldn't think there was an alley because I had a driveway in front of the house. Unfortunately, there was only one way out of the alley, and it was so close to my house we would definitely be noticed leaving if the media was overflowing around the corner.

He popped the hatch of the SUV that screamed
HELLO, MY NAME IS: Government Agency
and shoved the suitcase in. The hatch slammed shut, and we climbed aboard. I glanced back at the suitcase. I'd hauled one or two dead bodies in my career, but it still unnerved me. It was worse now. But maybe that was because this was the third dead body in a couple of days. I never had that kind of body count in this short of a time before. And I was pretty sure no one else in the CIA had either.

Once in the driver's seat, Riley pulled a tablet out of the glove compartment and turned it on. After a few touches, the screen was filled with an image of my house, Wolf Blitzer out front. I looked around us but didn't see anything suspicious.

Wolf was once again reporting that they had no idea who I was, what I looked like, nor could they get hold of me. I was impressed with the number of media on my front lawn. As we'd suspected, the reporters were spilling around the corner. Every network seemed to be there, including The Travel Channel and Animal Planet.

"Why is Animal Planet here?" I asked, my eyes locked on the screen. I hoped it was Jackson Galaxy, the host of
My Cat from Hell
, even though I couldn't think of a single reason why they'd have him covering dead terrorists. But then, some of those cats were evil geniuses. I liked evil geniuses.

"Maybe I should get a cat?" I asked. Riley gave me a look that said I should shut up now. Clearly, he didn't watch the show.

"Look." He pointed at the left side of the screen. Off camera, something was going on. I smiled. The cameras started turning away from my house as these newsmen turned into slack-jawed, lobotomized basset hounds.

Lana finally appeared on screen coming down the sidewalk toward my house, giggling, jiggling, and waving at the reporters. She even blew a few kisses, which I thought was slightly over the top. Anyone holding a camera suddenly forgot they were recording. All eyes were on the Russian knockout as she walked down the sidewalk.

It really was a sight to see. You know those slow-motion shots they show on TV of gorgeous women walking toward you? It was like that here. Apparently Lana controlled time and space too.

Lana walked down the sidewalk in her tight dress and ridiculously high heels. She really worked it like a runway at a desperate singles meet and greet. She winked and smiled, causing a few guys to actually drop their cameras on the sidewalk.

"Ma'am!" Wolf Blitzer shouted, running toward her. "Are you one of the neighbors here?"

It was like watching a badly written sitcom. Slowly, it dawned on the reporters that they might have an excuse to ogle the giggly blonde for their story. You could see their faces change as the gears inside turned. They swarmed her like diabetic bumblebees to sugar-coated honeycombs.

Riley saw his opening and pulled out of the alley onto the street. No one was there to see us. He made it to the interstate, and soon we were crossing the Mississippi River. I turned my attention back to the tablet.

We'd told Lana not to speak. If they heard her Russian accent, the reporters really would have an angle. But we knew they'd ask questions, and she'd need to do something to make sure she held their attention.

She fainted. Dropped right there on the sidewalk. I couldn't see her because of all the reporters. There were shouts of,
I'll give her CPR! She needs chest compressions!
The reporters were starting to fight over who would get to touch this heavenly creature.

"OUT OF MY WAY!" Kelly appeared, advancing through the crowd. "I'm a nurse!" She shouted.

All of the men surrounding the fake-unconscious Russian turned to frown at Kelly as she pushed her way through to Lana. From the looks on their faces I think some of them actually contemplated murder. The way Kelly ignored them was impressive. Maybe she should consider acting. She shoved men aside until she got to where Lana lay.

"We have a development!" Wolf turned toward the camera, smiling for the first time. "A neighbor of Merry Wrath was coming up to us to make a statement when she fainted! A nurse from the area is with her now. Stay tuned as we bring you the latest. This is CNN."

"Huh," I said. "I knew they'd come up with an angle, but to make up that she was a neighbor who wanted to confide in them? Seriously?"

"They had to have some excuse for turning the cameras on a beautiful woman," Riley said as he took the exit for Chicago.

My stomach lurched. Riley thought Lana was pretty? I scowled. Of course he did. A blind man would be dazzled by her looks. And hey, why did this upset me?

"So you think Lana's beautiful," I said before I could stop my stupid, stupid mouth.

"Are you serious, Wrath?" Riley chuckled. "Of course she is. That woman is very well put together. It's what made her so useful to us, remember?"

I answered with a laugh that I hope implied that I didn't care what Riley thought of Lana. "Of course! Duh!" I looked back down at the tablet.

Kelly had helped a dazed Lana to her feet and started walking her toward her own house. The press looked like they wanted to lynch her for taking their sexy, exclusive story away. I watched as the two women exited the screen and turned the tablet off.

"It really was a good plan," Riley murmured. "The fainting was a nice touch."

I shrugged. "We couldn't have her talking. They'd hear that thick accent and know something was up. And you can't count on Lana not to say anything. That girl might've thought this was her big acting break and blown the whole thing." Of course, Kelly was not thrilled that she'd have to take Lana to her house. Robert would thank me, though. I really owed her one. With the Girl Scout abandonment at camp, I owed her two…and maybe including the casserole, it was three now. I'd have to buy her a new car if this kept up.