Authors: Ella Grace
Today the right thing felt like death.
Chapter Thirty-one
Sabrina sat on the edge of the bed and stared unseeingly at the floor. She was so infuriated with herself she wanted to scream. Her eyes burned with weariness, her mind blurred from exhaustion. And here she sat, like a knot on a log, unable to do the necessary thing.
What a coward she had become. She was afraid, literally terrified. Like a little kid who feared monsters under her bed or in the closet, she was afraid to go to sleep. Afraid to dream. This wasn’t a new thing for her. She’d learned to exist on a minimum of sleep, but that was when staying awake hadn’t been so damned painful. But now, because reality seriously sucked, she wanted to escape into sleep. And yet she feared it, too.
It had been two weeks since Ian had left her. He hadn’t tried to contact her. He had said they were over, finished. As he’d shown many times in the past—Ian Mackenzie was a man of his word.
She couldn’t blame him for ending things. How many times had he tried to get her to commit? Tried to get her to reveal the reasons for her nightmares. Dozens. Each time she had pushed him away, refusing to allow herself the happiness or the peace that came from total sharing...total commitment.
The man had been more than patient. He knew what he wanted. And he was tired of waiting for it.
Sabrina knew what she wanted too…she just couldn’t take it. How do you take something you didn’t deserve? How do you allow yourself heaven when you only deserved hell?
The knock on her bedroom door shook her out of her misery. Even though a knock in the middle of the night was never a good sign, she welcomed the reprieve. Before she could take a breath to even call out, “Come in” her bedroom door swung open and both her sisters were standing there.
Sabrina sprang to her feet. “What’s wrong?”
“We need to talk,” Savvy said.
The narrow-eyed look of determination on her both her sisters’ faces had Sabrina’s heart thudding. She glanced at her bedside clock. “At one-fifteen in the morning? Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”
“No, it can’t,” Sammie said coolly. “This discussion is long overdue. Nineteen years to be exact.”
The thundering in her chest drowned out Savvy’s words, but Sabrina easily read “Damn straight” on her lips.
Wrapping her arms around herself was an obvious sign of self-protection and comfort. Sabrina knew better than to show that kind of weakness. She felt as if she were standing at the top of a skyscraper, teetering on the edge. One wrong move and she would topple a thousand floors to a hard, unforgiving sidewalk. Everything in her life would be splattered…revealed. She wouldn’t be able to hide any longer. The truth would be out. They would know.
She tried for a reasonable, calm tone. “Listen. I don’t really feel up to talking right now. I’m tired and really need to get some sleep. Can’t we—”
“Don’t give us that, Bri,” Savvy snapped. “If we leave now, you’ll be gone before daylight.”
“Now where would I go?”
“Hell if we know.” Sammie’s eyes took on a challenging gleam. “You used to run to Ian. I don’t know where you’ll go now.”
Oh, that had been a low blow. Even though it was the truth. She would be gone tomorrow. And yes, if she hadn’t ruined things with Ian, she’d be on his doorstep by dawn. When had she become so predictable…so readable?
“You’ll do anything to avoid talking to us,” Savvy added. “This stops here.”
Her breath was coming faster, harsher. If she didn’t slow it down, she’d be in a full-fledged panic attack. And wouldn’t that put the petrified cherry on top of her shit sundae?
She swallowed…took a silent, calming breath. Okay, she could do this. She’d been deflecting, deferring, avoiding for years. This was no different. She just had to find her cool again. This could still be turned around.
She cocked her head, arched a brow, even added a sneer to her mouth for extra emphasis. “I’ve managed to piss both of you off and all without saying or doing a damned thing. That’s a new one, even for me.”
“Oh you’ve said and done plenty, Bri. That’s the problem. You’ve said and done so much, we completely missed what you were really saying.”
“Good gosh, Sammie. You do know that makes no sense. Right?”
“None of this makes sense, Bri,” Savvy said. “That’s what’s so puzzling.”
“What?”
“Two nights ago, I walked by your bedroom. I heard you crying.”
Sabrina snorted. “You know better than that. Crying’s not my thing. It was probably the television.”
“It was you, Bri. I knocked on the door and when no one answered, I walked in. You were asleep…and you were crying.”
Even though Sabrina avoided tears like a plague of locusts, on numerous occasions she’d woken with a wet face. Having her emotions betray her while she was unconscious was frustrating, but she had yet to figure out how to stop them.
Still maintaining her cool façade, she lifted her shoulders in a careless gesture. “I’m sure you’re mistaken about that, but so what if I was? Ian and I broke up. Is that not reason enough to cry?”
“Absolutely it’s a good reason to cry. Except you weren’t crying about Ian. You were crying about Mama and Daddy. You called for them, several times.”
Could a person wither and die just from sheer misery? She had a feeling she was about to find out. Sabrina eyed the door behind her sisters. Could she skirt around them and escape? Dare she chance it?
And then what, Sabrina? Avoid your sisters for the rest of your life?
Spine stiff as an iron rod, she snapped, “So? I have nightmares about mama and daddy from time to time. Don’t tell me you don’t, Savvy. Or you don’t, Sammie.”
“Maybe we do, Bri. But it’s doubtful that we say I’m sorry over and over again.”
Oh Lord, no. Please. Not now. Not tonight. Not like this.
Hands on her hips, Savvy advanced into the room. It took every bit of courage for Sabrina to stand her ground and not back away.
“No answer, Bri? Maybe this’ll help. Let me ask you a series of questions. If you answer honestly, I think we can get to the bottom of this fairly quickly.”
“You’re no longer a prosecutor, Savvy, and I sure as hell am not on trial.”
Savvy went on as if Sabrina hadn’t said a word. “What do you have nightmares about? Why do you cry out to Mama and Daddy, asking for their forgiveness? What on earth would they need to forgive?”
A knife to her chest couldn’t hurt worse. This was it. This was what she had been avoiding for so long. What she never wanted her sisters to know.
No! There was still a way to get out of this. Think, dammit. Think!
“Nightmares don’t make sense. You know that.”
Sammie’s mouth twisted with a wry smile. “Good try on the deflection, but it’s a no go. What are your nightmares about, Bri?”
Fine. She could do pissed off about as well as anyone. “That’s nobody’s damn business. Not yours. Not Savvy’s. Not Ian’s. My thoughts, nightmares, dreams, are my own. They are none of your fucking concern. You got that?”
Tears blurred Savvy’s eyes and Sabrina hadn’t known she could feel any worse. She tried again, hating herself for lying but unable to do anything else. “Really, guys. It’s nothing. Let it go. Please?”
“We want to help you, Bri. I’m sorry we didn’t notice before, but we’re noticing now.”
Oh for heaven’s sake. “I don’t want you to notice anything, Savvy. I want you to leave, both of you. Right now.”
“No,” her sisters said in unison.
“Come on, Bri,” Sammie said. “We love you. Whatever is bothering you, we want to help.”
“You can’t help me. Neither of you can.” Realizing she’d admitted something she hadn’t intended, she added a quick amendment, “I don’t need help.”
Sammie sauntered toward her, her smile as phony as Sabrina’s often was. “Well then, let’s just talk. Have a little girl chat like the old days.”
“We can talk after we all get some sleep.”
Savvy shook her head. “But you won’t sleep, will you, Bri? Or if you do, it’ll be in between nightmares.”
“This is ridiculous.” Grabbing her pillow, she skirted around her sisters and headed to the door. “I’ll go find another bedroom to sleep in that doesn’t have nosy, interfering sisters.”
“Nosy, interfering sisters who love you more than anything,” Sammie said.
“Please, Bri. Let us help you,” Savvy pleaded. “There’s nothing you could say or do that will stop us from loving you.”
Sabrina jerked to a stop. The tears in her sisters’ voices slashed through her heart, crumbling her resolve. She was hurting them when it was the last thing in the world she ever wanted to do.
Gripping the doorjamb, fingers strained tight, her nails digging so deep into the wood she vaguely wondered if she were leaving indentions. She could no longer live this lie. No longer keep the truth from them. No matter what happened, she had to reveal her greatest shame…greatest sin.
God. Oh God, oh God. Please help me do this. Please.
Turning, she faced the two people who meant more than life to her. Tears she had refused to shed for years streamed down her face. The violent tremble of her mouth barely allowed her to form the words she had held inside her for so long.
“I’m responsible for Mama’s and Daddy’s deaths.”
She felt as if she were a stranger, standing outside her body, watching events unfold. Watching her sisters absorb the awful, terrible truth.
Shocked silence followed her confession. Finally, Sammie broke the stillness. “What the hell are you talking about?” With Savvy immediately adding, “Why on earth would you believe you had anything to do with their deaths?”
Of course none of this made sense to them. It was nineteen years ago. She and her sisters had been ten years old. They hadn’t even been in Midnight when the murders occurred. How could one little girl cause such destruction?
Now that she’d forced the words from her mouth, she noticed a calming, numb-like feeling settle throughout her body. That was it…they now knew the worst possible thing about their sister. Anything else would be anticlimactic—the explanation was a mere formality.
“Do you remember the day we left for camp?”
When both her sisters nodded, she continued, “Do you remember I didn’t want to go? I wanted to stay home and go to Miranda Kershaw’s birthday party.”
“I kind of remember that,” Savvy turned to Sammie, who stood beside her, and talked slowly as if remembering. “All three of us were invited, but I think you and I were more excited to go on a camping trip than to a birthday party.”
“I vaguely remember. Mama had built up the idea of summer camp so much in my mind, I couldn’t wait to leave.”
She shared a frown of confusion with Savvy before turning her gaze back to Sabrina. “But what does this have to do with their murders?”
Without even being aware of it happening, both her sisters had each grabbed one of her arms and led her back into the bedroom. Sabrina found herself being pushed down on the sofa. As soon as she was seated, her sisters sat on either side of her.
“Tell us,” Sammie said.
Taking in a breath, Sabrina revealed her deepest shame. “Mama and I were butting heads—like we sometimes did.”
Both sisters nodded. Daddy had once said that Sabrina had popped from her mama’s belly disagreeing with them. And while that was an overstatement, she admitted to having a stubborn streak from a very early age.
“I told Mama I didn’t want to go to camp. She told me I had to. Things got really heated right before we left.”
Her brow furrowed, Savvy shook her head. “I don’t remember anything like that.”
“That’s because you two were already in the car. I held back, hoping I could get her to change her mind. She wouldn’t. And I…” Sabrina tried to swallow and couldn’t. The pain was too great.
“What?” Savvy urged.
“I told her I hated her. That it would serve her right if something happened and she never saw me again.” Her lips twisted. “She swatted my butt and told me to get in the car or she was going to wash my sassy mouth out with soap.”
A fleeting smile appeared on Savvy’s face. That had happened to all of them more than once. And to Sabrina, who had been the sassiest, it happened at least once a month.
Sammie squeezed Sabrina’s arm. “But what does this have to do with their deaths? I don’t see any relationship whatsoever.”
“I didn’t either for a long time. I’d always felt so guilty that those were the last words I ever said to her. You’ll never know how many times I wanted to relive those moments so I could take it all back.”
“I can understand the guilt,” Sammie said. “I remember how guilty I felt about some of the things I’d said and done that I’m sure embarrassed or hurt them, but that’s just being a kid. They knew that.”
“Maybe so, but this was so much worse.”
“How so?”
“You remember that Aunt Gibby said Mama was upset after we left? That was the reason she and Daddy had a big fight. Everyone assumed it was because she missed us so much. But that’s not the real reason. She was upset at me…for what I’d said to her. We didn’t talk all the way to the camp. And when I got out of the car, I grabbed my backpack and walked away. Didn’t even look back…didn’t say goodbye.”