I realized after some time when the silence
became prolonged in the room that I’d fallen into my thoughts.
I focused, cleared my throat and kept
speaking.
“He could be a sounding board when it was
needed, but advice would not be forthcoming. Noc is both. He’s very
strong, and although I dislike admitting it, he’s seeing far more
clearly than I at this juncture in my life and provides excellent
advice. He sees options I do not think of. And he has ways that are
both annoying and heartening in sharing all this with me.”
“Antoine is not here at this time to provide
such things to you,” Brikitta said gently.
“But I knew him and if he was here, he would
not,” I returned.
“As you knew him, I cannot say,” Brikitta
conceded.
“It’s like I didn’t love him at all, having
these thoughts about him, doubts about what we had,” I shared.
Brikitta sat up straighter, stating in a
sharp way I would never have thought she could speak, “It isn’t any
such thing.”
“I disagree,” I retorted.
“Could it be, sister, that in the presence of
a man who gives you things you prize, without Antoine here, you’re
simply coming to conclusions you would have come to if he actually
still was, though experiencing shame at coming to them because he
is lost?” Brikitta inquired.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” I
told her.
“Did you think you’d spend the rest of your
life with Antoine?” she queried.
“I’ve no idea,” I answered, though the truth
was I didn’t often think far in the future. I lived in the present.
My future was always murky and swirling with menaces I didn’t wish
to consider so I didn’t peer too closely into those depths.
But the truth was, Antoine loved me, as I
loved him, but he was who he was and I was who I was. We were both
always honest about that, nothing hidden, a freedom he gave me that
I cherished.
He did what he did for employment because he
was good at it and because he enjoyed it. There was a good
possibility he would eventually seek other amusements.
And as discomfiting as it was to realize,
there was an equally good possibility I would as well.
That said, I knew in my heart if there ever
was to be a parting, that parting would be sweet, not bitter, and
he would remain in my life in some manner, even if he no longer was
my lover, for the length of it.
“And say Antoine was alive,” Brikitta pushed,
“and you met Master Noc and found he gave you these things you
prized and you were attracted to him. Perhaps doing this in a way
you wished to explore. Would you not think on the current
relationship you were in, knowing you’d never get these things
which, Franka, are not things to prize but things you
need
?
They are things any woman
needs
. They are not of value. They
are precious. Knowing this about a kept lover or any man you were
spending your time with, you would reconsider doing that—”
“Throw him over for something better?” I
interrupted to ask incredulously.
“End the relationship so you can be in one to
get not only what you want but what you
need
,” she
clarified.
“That, too, is offensive to Antoine’s
memory,” I told her sharply.
I told her this but I could not say she was
incorrect in her words.
“That, sister,” she said softly, “if Antoine
were alive, is the way of the world. Even more so as he was your
kept lover. He would know this even better than you and would
undoubtedly be planning for it.”
She’s right
, Antoine said in my
head.
Quiet
, I snapped.
“This is but another excuse, Brikitta,” I
said out loud. “And I appreciate your efforts to try to make me
feel better—”
“You’re torn up,” Cora cut in and I turned to
her. “And I get it, Franka, honey,
damn
. If all that had
happened to you had happened to me and Tor came into my life like
Noc came into yours, my head would be totally messed up about it
too.”
“Mine too, totally,” Circe chimed in.
“You’re all simply being kind,” I
declared.
“Yeah, we girls do that for each other,” Cora
stated. “But, Franka, what you’re dealing with, we would not blow
sunshine. No way. If I didn’t agree with Brikitta, I’d keep my
mouth shut.”
“Me too,” Circe added.
“It also could be that you’re denying what’s
growing between you and Master Noc, what we all can see quite
vividly, because you wish to punish yourself as your parents have
done for decades, not believing you deserve to be happy,” Brikitta
put in.
“I wish to cause no offense, but that’s
absurd,” I told her, truly not wishing to cause offense, believing
it
was
absurd. “Lest I remind you, I committed
treason
for Antoine.”
“Nothing we’re saying negates your feelings
for him, Franka,” Brikitta returned. “I know as fact you love your
brother, and if he were to be taken by those witches, you would
have done the same. Love makes us behave in a variety of manners we
never would expect. You honored Antoine greatly with your
action.”
I blinked in utter shock at this declaration
but my sister-in-law was not done.
“What I wish to make clear to you is that you
don’t dishonor him by living your life, feeling your feelings,
thinking the thoughts you’ve had now that he’s gone. They’re
natural. And you shouldn’t punish yourself for them. And it should
be noted that no relationship, no matter how much love there is or
how strong it may be, is perfect. I’ve no doubt you wish to think
back on Antoine and what you had with him only with a rosy hue.”
Her face softened. “But I think, my sister, that it’s also a
natural progression in the process of grief to come to the
realization that what you had was strong and beautiful, but it was
not what nothing ever can be…perfect.”
She was not incorrect about that either.
It would seem for years I’d missed not only
the fact my sister-in-law was quite pretty in her own way and gave
my brother many precious things, but she was also quite wise.
“Not to mention, you put your life on the
line to rectify that.” Circe did her own reminding.
My eyes moved to her.
“And I put my brother and his family’s lives
on the line while committing the treason I committed,” I continued
my own reminding.
“Babe, you’re churning through history,” Cora
noted. “History is
history
. Break free.”
“You think it’s that easy?” I asked her.
“I think it would be harder than hell,” she
answered instantly. “But I also think Brikitta’s right. Your
parents,” she shook her head, “not good people. I don’t know what
they made you believe about yourself but I was there in that jail.
I heard what you said to them. I heard how they taught you to be.
And I heard that you want to be something different. Don’t let them
hold you back. Okay, you were how you were. You did what you did.
But that’s over. Let that go. Let
them
go. And be who
you
want to be.”
I looked away from all of them, lifted my
forgotten teacup and took a sip of the now-cool contents.
“Just be his friend,” Cora advised, reaching
out a hand and wrapping her fingers around my thigh to give me a
squeeze that I found quite bolstering. “He wants that. You
need
that. Don’t fight that. And whatever happens from
here…”
She trailed off and I looked at her and saw
her compassionate smile and slight shrug.
Staring in her eyes, allowing all their words
to penetrate, I realized in some ways I was still agitated.
An uncertain future had a way of causing
that.
But in more important ways, I was far
less.
They did not think my thoughts shameful. They
didn’t think any less of me after sharing them.
They were caring. And supportive.
And it couldn’t be escaped.
It felt nice.
And damn it all, I had to thank them for
it.
“I appreciate you listening,” I murmured,
leaning forward to put my cup in its saucer.
“Anytime,” Circe said.
“Definitely,” Cora said.
“With pleasure, sister,” Brikitta said.
I looked at them in turn, my lips tipped
slightly up.
“Right, I want my babies. Naptime should be
over. Should we pull the cord and have the nannies bring in the
kids?” Circe asked, deftly changing the subject.
“I’d love that,” Brikitta declared.
“I’m on it,” Cora stated, jumping up and
moving to the cord.
Now this was something to look forward to.
The last several days, I’d spent some time with Timofei and in that
time I’d been proved irrevocably correct. He was an almost
unbearably handsome child, would most certainly grow up tall and
straight like his father, and he was exceptionally intelligent.
I’d not seen him that day.
His arrival would take my mind from my
troubles, much more than watching Noc excel with a bow.
Or at least I told myself that.
* * * * *
Prior to going down to
avant
-dinner
drinks that evening, I stood in my dressing room with my brother,
the doors to the locked wardrobe open, the chests also open, the
furs folded, stacked and on display.
And my brother was speaking.
“Out of the question.”
I’d just offered him his share.
“Kristian—”
He turned a severe look to me and I closed my
mouth.
“You went before the evil she-god
Minerva
, your life most definitely on the line, she could
have cut you low in a
snap
,” he lifted his hand and did just
that, “as penance for what you did. For my penance, I cowered in
very well-appointed accommodations that, it’s true, I was not at
liberty to leave, but there was no danger to life and limb.”
“You did what you did because of me,” I
reminded him.
“Stop that,” he clipped.
I blinked in utter shock at his angry
tone.
“You asked my assistance. I gave it to you,”
he stated sharply. “I was under no duress to do so. You didn’t
threaten me or my family. It was
my
choice, Franka, to help
my sister who was in distress and I wanted to do something to alter
that.
I
committed treason and I did it knowingly because I
care about you. You bear no responsibility for that and I don’t
wish to upset you, love, but it’s offensive you think me that weak
that you feel you need to shoulder it for me.”
“I didn’t mean to offend,” I replied in a
feeble voice I’d not heard pass my lips, not ever, not even when my
father was doling out his punishments.
“I know you didn’t,” Kristian responded, his
tone now gentle. “But, sister, you did it all the same so I’m
asking you to stop.”
I tried a different tack.
“I certainly don’t need all this, Kristian,”
I flicked a hand to the wardrobe, “and you know it’s true. I could
give you but a quarter of it and you and Brikitta would want for
nothing for the rest of your lives.”
“We did not earn that treasure,” he
retorted.
“Fine, if you believe I did, then it’s mine
to do with as I wish and I wish to share it with you.
And
,”
I said my last word tersely, “if you refuse it again, then I’ll
bestow it on Timofei, then, when he or she arrives, I’ll bestow
more on your unborn child. That you
cannot
refuse.”
He scowled into my face for a long moment
before he muttered, “You’re very stubborn.”
“Do not say this as if you haven’t known it
about me the extent of your life,” I returned.
He looked to the treasure displayed.
I waited.
My brother said nothing.
I grew impatient.
“I’ve just decided to visit a goldsmith and
have him immediately begin work on a set for Brikitta, earrings,
necklace, bracelets, rings, at least one hundred Sjofn ice
diamonds, with perhaps a few Korwahkian gems thrown in,” I
declared.
Kristian looked to me, grinning and shaking
his head.
“You’ve always been impossible,” he
declared.
I tossed my head. “A trait of which I’m most
proud.”
His next came abruptly, with no warning.
Though, even warned, it was one thing all my
life I knew I could never endure without breaking.
“You know I love you.”
I took a small step back.
My brother did not take this nonverbal
cue.
“From the first memory I have of you, I fell
in love with you. As a child, you were so beautiful, dazzling, and
that never changed. And even then, I felt your strength.”
“Please, Kristian,” I whispered.
“I would not be here without you.”
“That’s not true.”
“You know it is. My mind would have broken.
They’d have driven me literally mad.”
I shook my head. “Kristian, don’t.”
He ignored my plea.
“I will love you until my dying breath. And I
will tell my children stories of your courage and strength and the
depth of love you had for me so often they will love you until
their dying breath. And they will share this with their children in
a way that the name Franka Drakkar will never die, but will be
spoken with devotion and reverence until my line ceases to
exist.”
I felt them, cold and wet, hovering on my
cheekbones. The burn in my throat threatened to consume me as I
fought to keep them back, but I failed.
They fell down my cheeks.
“Please go to this other world and find
happiness, sister,” Kristian whispered.
I nodded, swallowed, and more tears fell.
He opened his arms and continued
whispering.
“Now please come here so I can hold you.”
My feet moved me directly to him, right into
his arms.
They closed around me.
The instant they did, the sob wracked through
me.
It was painful, pain so deep, there was no
cure.