Miranda (28 page)

His voice confirmed what the hands indicated.

“Nine o’clock in the morning, Miranda. Come as soon as you can, please.”

The doctor hung up and left me with, at least, three questions at the tip of my tongue.

I imagined the possibilities.
Hepatitis A? Hepatitis B? West Nile virus? Yellow fever? Let it not be AIDS, by God! Nor syphilis, nor gonorrhea. And what if it is syphilis or gonorrhea?

I shot out of bed toward the closet, took out my blouse and pants, and threw them over the chair.

I only hope that damned Eliezer Clausell hasn’t infected me with something…

I grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom.

***

In the examination room, while I bit my nails, there was nothing more than loneliness on the cold vinyl examination bench. Julio entered and closed the door. He placed the white binder he was carrying on his desk and didn’t open it. He put his pen in his pocket and turned around.

“Miranda, you’re pregnant.”

My heart skipped a beat, and during those eternal seconds I couldn’t see, nor hear, nor feel anything.

“What?”

He opened the binder, pulled out a sheet of paper, and raised it for me to see. It was the results of the blood test.

POSITIVE. That was the conclusion.

I hope someone has a defibrillator. I think my heart may stop beating.

I laughed and laughed.

“It can’t be, Julio. I’m having my period! Plus, I already took a home pregnancy test, and it came out negative.”

Julio put the document away. He sat down and held my hands.

“That worries me, Miranda, and it should worry you too. Perhaps you’re experiencing symptoms of a miscarriage. Perhaps you’ve had a miscarriage and you’re not aware of it.”

I was silent for a while. I couldn’t decide what news was worse.

“Now your secretary would definitely have reason to be upset at me.” Julio didn’t understand the joke and gave me a look of confusion. “It’s that I don’t know how to get down from this bench without collapsing, and the waiting room is full of people.”

He smiled.

“This baby wasn’t planned, or am I wrong?”

The understanding need few words, and the observant need few details.

My body trembled. My eyes teared. My skin crawled. A shocking cold took hold of my body, which became unresponsive to my will.

“Could you be mistaken?” I lowered my head while tears rolled down.

The doctor put his hand on my back.

“Relax, Miranda. Take one step at a time. First, let’s perform a second blood test to make sure. If it’s positive again, then I’ll see how advanced the pregnancy may be and the condition of the embryo. Then, I’ll recommend a gynecologist whom I trust. Is that all right?”

No, it’s not all right. Nothing is all right! I am pregnant! Pregnant! From a man whom I barely know!

I buried my head in my hands and began crying.

***

The next morning was the same story: insomnia, then a phone call. It was the doctor’s office. The results indicated that, in effect, I was far along in my pregnancy. The blood tests were otherwise normal. Well, without another explanation, the bleeding made me another data point for the statistic of women who experience bleeding during the first gestational trimester.

Rest. Get a lot of rest, at least two weeks worth. That was the prescription.

Uh huh! And how do I explain that? Shouldn’t I take advantage of my absence to pack my bags and disappear from the lives of both Clausells once and for all? And why not?

I got to the park where I would sometimes run alone. I sat on the bench where I would have a lot of alone time. I love getting out to people-watch during my sad days. It was a pastime and a lot more: the only activity that helped me clear my thoughts. People’s faces tell stories. Some are faces of pain, some of success, and others… others belong to people living life… people living life and nothing more.
How should I live now?
My life had been turned upside down.

I’m so lonely! I need a shoulder on which to cry, someone who’ll hug me while I break down… Norman. I need Norman.
At a little over thirty, I felt like a child. That immature child I had never been who commits acts of stupidity that have terrible repercussions.

Think, Miranda Wise. How would you run your life if it were a business? Like that company after the eighty million dollar contract in El Salvador, what wouldn’t you do to keep your freedom? What are your choices?

One-Tell Eliezer. He regrets treating me badly. He comes clean with me. We live happily ever after. End of story. Probability: low.

Two-Tell Eliezer. He distances himself. I continue living my life with a baby. I die alone after a long series of failed loves. Probability: ridiculously high.

Three-Don’t tell Eliezer. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t have the baby. Never have unprotected sex in your life. Probability: ridiculously high.

Life has such pitfalls…

***

Two long weeks and someone rang the doorbell. I would remain supine, staring up at the ceiling, the same thing that I had been doing during the past one hundred hours. Perhaps it was because I found an enormous, yet previously unnoticed crack filled with unexplored paths, or perhaps because it was the only thing I could do without losing my focus on not thinking.

With a jangling of keys, the front door opened and closed.

Norman, who was the only other person who had the keys to my house, was the only one on the pre-approved visitors list.

I asked that he not come without telling me. But what if something happened to him?

I reached for my robe, tied the belt, and opened the door to my room. I hadn’t fixed my hair. I stepped out. A face formed on a dark figure.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”

Eliezer got close. I backed up.

“Are you feeling better, Wise?”

I laughed. Is that how he comes to ask me for sex?

How dare he? More importantly…

“How did you get in? Did Norman give you the key?” I raised my voice. “Give it to me! Go away!”

He didn’t dare take another step. He looked at the disaster of a woman that he had created.

“You definitely don’t look good!”

I picked up a stray shoe on the hallway floor and threw it at his face.

“Did you come here to be an eyewitness? I’m feeling bad, very bad. You already confirmed it. Now go away at once!”

Having completed his inspection, he recovered his sense of self-confidence and resumed walking toward me while I continued backing away. He kept walking until I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed with him sitting beside me. He opened his hand and placed a key on my robe.

“I told you not to leave them in the garage. Just as I could get in, so could anyone else.”

“What do you want, Clausell?” Although calm, my tone reflected the anger inside. I wanted him to leave as soon as possible. I didn’t know how long I could resist not falling prey to uncontrollable bawling. Eliezer spoke calmly, without sarcasm.

“To know how you are doing, Miranda.” I noticed his jaw harden. Perhaps it was an attempt to suppress the pity. “May I know what’s wrong with you?”

“And since when do you care about what’s wrong with me?”

I already knew the story: it displeased him for me to speak to him that way. He inflated his chest. He took deep breaths. He wanted to maintain his self-control.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

He exhaled even more deeply.

“I know that you must be bother…” he began, but I interrupted him:

“That I must? That I must not! That I have every right to be furious!”

Eliezer gave me a look of surprise and disgust. Oh, it must be that he’s never seen Miranda Wise furious, boiling on the inside, and on the verge of exploding.

I continued.

“You know? I feel creative today. Let’s see if you can understand the situation through a story.” I fixed my hair behind my ears and smiled. “A man made a date with a woman at a certain place and time. She had to get to that place at seven in the morning. Did I mention that she had to get there at seven? On the dot? In the morning?”

Eliezer couldn’t find anything else to do. He nodded. I got up, because, if I didn’t, I would have slapped him, and becoming violent with him wasn’t a very good idea, not so much because of the sex that I would miss, but because of the baby that I was carrying. Eliezer watched my feet as I paced.

“So, the charlatan who made a date with her didn’t come. Ever.... Ever! Can you believe that! Ah! Did I mention that the charlatan is her boss who she is in the habit of fucking?” He didn’t respond, nor make a move. “Did I mention that?”

“No,” he said in a cracking whisper.

“I didn’t mention it? Well, now I’m mentioning it. The damned charlatan is her boss. Her damned boss! So, as a good employee, the stupid woman got worried. After an hour and a half, she felt obliged to call him. And do you know what happened next?” I stopped and stared at him. “I’ll give you three possibilities. Surprise me!”

“That’s enough, Miranda.”

The quiet tone in which he spoke made me notice how loud I was.

“Wrong answer, dear. Try again.” I winked.

He didn’t say anything.

“Do you know, at least, what the man says when she asks him if he’s alright?”

Eliezer turned to look at the floor. I walked up to him and raised his chin with my hand.

“The man answers, ‘I’m busy.’” I stepped away, and continued my pacing from one corner of the room to the other. “That is, the charlatan isn’t only fine, but also super busy. Can you believe a snub like that, Eliezer Clausell?” I paused to take a breath, because the heat deprived me of oxygen. I spoke in a lower tone, teary eyed. “Do you want to know something else? The charlatan has been super busy for two fucking weeks. Could he have been fucking for the last two weeks?”

He tried to grab me by the arm. I was too quick. I wouldn’t give him the privilege of control. I moved my arm, and we were left looking each other dead on. The tension was building. The air was dense and reeked of sulfur. It was difficult to breathe. My hands were shaking like a vulnerable girl. The control that I felt over my thoughts and words vanished like ashes in the wind.

Eliezer bit his cheek and sighed. Was it out of guilt? Was it from frustration?

“Lately, things haven’t gone as I had planned.”

I smiled. In my mind, I said,
Oh! And you’re telling me…

He went back to looking at the floor. I wanted to see his eyes when he spoke to me. I wanted to scrutinize his pupils and look into them for the first sign of carelessness.

“I regret the misunderstanding,” he added, and I felt myself becoming more infuriated.

“Misunderstanding?” I let out a gulp of air. “Do you know what’s a misunderstanding? You being here. Get out!”

I took him by the arm and forced him to stand. I tried to pull him all the way to the door, which made a comical scene. It was like moving a wall. During the commotion, he managed to imprison me in his arms. His hands were shaking because mine were.

“Miranda, please, stop! What is wrong with you?”

I started to feel the disarming effect of his touch. That anger of mine melted into tears… tears that rolled down my cheeks.

“Go, please,” I asked in a very soft tone. “I need to be alone.” I paused. I don’t know if it was to regain my breath or my strength. “I want to be alone.”

Eliezer didn’t follow my orders. Carefully, he slid his warm arms onto my shoulders, kissed my forehead, and waited for a reaction. It didn’t come.

“Miranda, I can’t go and leave you like this.”

“You disappeared for two weeks, Clausell.” I intended to break out of his lukewarm embrace. “You don’t have any obligation toward me. Please, go already.”

He lifted my chin. Was it an act of pity or consolation?

“I already told you. Things didn’t go as they should have.”

“And why don’t you tell me once and for all how they should have gone?”

My hands lay motionless at my sides. I wanted to embrace him… but not like before… not like that. Anyway, I could hear the beating of his heart. Eliezer Clausell needed me as much as I needed him, but I couldn’t save him… not like I was… in a state of chaos.

“It doesn’t matter. Anyway, things won’t be as they should… ever,” I murmured.

When noticing that I wasn’t returning his affection, he weakened his embrace.

“I’ll go, Wise. I promise, but only if you tell me what’s wrong.”

I didn’t hesitate to answer.

“Physical exhaustion, Clausell. I need rest, a lot of rest…” I looked at his beautiful eyes. “…and tranquility.”

The embrace was over. His hands dropped to his sides. He stopped leaning in toward me, and tilted toward the door.

“Fine, then I’ll go so that you can rest.”

That was another one of Eliezer’s flaws. He gives up too easily.

He got up off the bed and moved away. I grabbed his hand.

“No, better yet, no.” He turned around with the face of a suffering man. “I’d prefer it if you stay. At least tonight,” then another uncomfortable pause, “please.”

He went back to the corner of the bed where he was before and sat down. I rested my head on his lap. His hands caressed my hair, taking away the burdens that I carried.

Finally, after so many nights, I could rest.

“What is the matter with you? Don’t judge me, please.”