Misalliance (Death Dwellers MC #4.5) (22 page)

Kendall allowed the words to sink in, trying to find comfort in them but not quite understanding the entire meaning and hoping one day soon that she would.

Chapter 26

Misbehavior – Johnnie

“Are you going to talk to me?” Kendall asked in a small voice from where she lay beside Johnnie in bed.

He glared at the sunlight streaming through the window. He hadn’t spoken to Kendall since they’d left the hospital yesterday. After discovering she’d interfered,
yet again
, in business that had fuck all to do with her.

“Johnnie—“

He transferred his glare to her. “You want me to talk? Okay. I’ll start by asking what the fuck’s wrong with you?”

“I-I…”

“Without provocation you step forward with your unsolicited opinions and put down my brothers with your bullshit. Why, Kendall?”

“I’m not one of the brothers, Johnnie, but I
am
one of the old ladies. Which means I’m loyal to them over the brothers, which is opposite of how
you
feel, so if you can’t tell your brothers what need to be said, I can.”

“You’d best learn not to,” he snarled. “Remarks like you’ve been spewing around lately are unwanted.”

“Not by my girlfriends,” she insisted adamantly.

Johnnie gritted his teeth. She was being loyal to women she’d formerly seen as rivals. Woopty doo. She was a woman and women changed their fucking minds all the time. Besides, he’d wanted her to be accepted by the other girls. But her accepting them, didn’t fucking mean fucking with his brothers. Jesus. Why did she make this so fucking hard?

“We don’t interfere in each other’s personal affairs.”

Kendall shot to a sitting position, yanking the covers over her bare breasts, but still allowing Johnnie a view of her back and part of her ass. Seeing her beautiful body and knowing she was pregnant for him again didn’t help his morning dick stand.

“…and that’s the truth!”

Fuck
. He hadn’t been listening to her.

“And that’s the other problem. Maybe, if there was a little more participation—“

“No, Kendall. Entertaining is group fucking participation. Sitting out in the main fucking room is group participation.
Personal shit is not group participation
,” he finished through clenched teeth. “Do you fucking understand me?”

She sunk her nails into his thigh and he yelped, just containing his reflex reaction to knee the fuck out of her. He’d never put his hands on her, but, usually, when she did something to him, he saw it coming. This time he didn’t and unexpected violence against his person usually stirred his dangerous rage.

“Enough!”

“Don’t yell at me!” She scrambled out of bed, losing the sheet, but quickly using his shirt to cover herself. “Everyone’s always saying how Meggie tells Outlaw everything. That’s personal, too, numb cock.”

Glancing at his hard dick and lifting a brow, Johnnie smirked at her, unable to stop his snicker. Unbelievable. The little bitch had insulted his premiere body part. He wanted to take her into his arms and laugh this away. But helping Bailey to file divorce papers against Mort went too fucking far. No matter how good Kendall’s intentions were.

“Whatever,” he said, shoving back his laughter and pretending to brush off her humorous insult. “I want you to listen and listen well. Your
poor me I’ve been wronged so I’m making the world pay
ends now.”

“How dare you! I’ve been—“

“Shut the fuck up,” he roared, at wit’s end. Mortician was like a brother to him. He’d already allowed her to almost come between him and Christopher. Johnnie got her exploratory quest to find herself and learn the basic rules of friendship and interacting with people who cared about her. However, his life encompassed many different and valuable relationships.
She
was the most important person, his most important relationship. Either she straightened out or he’d ban her from the fucking club. “No one gives a fuck anymore about the reasons for your attitude.”

“Of course not,” she retorted, folding her arms and lifting her chin. “They’re all a heartless bunch of sewer scum—“

“No, Kendall! No! We’ve all had to deal with some kind of devastating bullshit. Four of us have been shot and the only difference between you, Megs and Zoann is you saw your mom take her own life. Fuck! I get that.
We
get that. Heartache and heartbreak has touched us all. We’ve all lost someone we love. You know what the difference is, sweetheart?”

She’d lost her defiant pose and shook her head. “Wh-what?”

“We’ve accepted it and moved on.”

Angry tears bloomed in her brown eyes. “I’m trying, Johnnie. I am!”

It was too fucking early in the day to deal with this, but he understood her need to get things out in the open immediately. “I know you’ve been trying. You’re just going about it the wrong way.”

“I know of no other way.”

The sound of her misery cut through him and he hated to see her so tortured. She was stuck in a rut, however. Before her assault and her mother’s and sister’s suicides, she’d spent years on her own and feeling unloved. Now, she knew of no other way to feel nor did she know how to get what she wanted without twisting shit to fit any situation. “I’m sending you on a healing retreat.”

It was actually a mental and emotional health resort that he’d been considering for a few days. Perhaps, this was the wrong tact, but what was the right one? Her outpatient counseling was going painfully slow. He felt like an impatient motherfucker, but, in the last week, Kendall had hurt the fuck out of Megs going on about the pregnancy, gotten into a fight with Zoann, insulted Val, and interfered with Mort’s and Bailey’s relationship. It had to fucking stop.

“It’ll be for two weeks and it’ll aid in your outpatient counseling. You’ll get private counseling, but you’ll also have workshops, outdoor activities, group sessions, if you choose to participate, and pampering.”

He had to stand firm against the panic in her eyes. He didn’t want to have to exclude her from any part of his life, but especially his club life. Fuck, worrying about Christopher, Val, or Mort shaking the shit out of her. Johnnie didn’t trust Zoann not to knock Kendall into a coma. She
was
related to him and Christopher, after all. Yet, seeing her and knowing what she’d been through, watching her still have the ability to laugh and love and function, snapped Johnnie out of his fog with Kendall. Although they were two different women with such different upbringings, Kendall had it in her to get her life together, too.

“I’ve made some calls,” he went on, sitting up and glancing away from her wobbling chin and trembling lips. “You’ll leave—“

“I won’t go!”

Barring her from the club was the next alternative and she’d make his life miserable. Though he made no secret he’d never patch out again, she knew how to get to him and he’d end up only visiting the club for church, not to socialize and spend time with his brothers. He’d have to play hardball with her. Just considering the words made bile fuck up his gut. His ultimatum might backfire and she’d walk away from him.

“You’re not going?” he asked in a hard voice.

“No, I’m not and you can’t—“

“Then we’re done.”

Her mouth snapped shut and the shock on her face gave him pause. Everyone she’d ever loved had abandoned her in one way or another. Jesus, he couldn’t do this to her. He’d always sworn to her he would never turn his back on her. And he wasn’t. Was he? He was looking for a way to help her. Get her to realize she’d made so many strides, but needed a few more to reach the finish line.

“Kendall—“ The betrayal in her eyes cut through him. Perhaps, he would set her back rather than help her.

“I-I thought you loved me,” she choked out.

“I do.”  He gave himself a firm shake. He couldn’t give in to her. He just couldn’t. In the long run, it would end them. She was responding to others how everyone had responded to her. With the exception of assfuck, motherfucking
Spoon,
before he’d shown his true colors to her. “I love you so very much. More than I can say. But I can’t keep defending you against your own bad judgment.
Especially
where Megan is concerned.” He might as well put that out there, too. On a good day, she’d know he wasn’t defending Megs. On a bad one? All hell broke loose. “Acting on your bad judgment could end with my death or Christopher’s,” he added.

“But—“

“No buts, Kendall. I love you with all my heart.
Believe that
. But it’s time you faced your demons head-on and once-and-for all. I want you to be loved and respected by my MC family as well as my blood family. You’re worth it. You deserve it. Not only because you’re my old lady.”

She let out a pitiful sob. “I’m just trying to help.”

He got out of bed, his dick bobbing, badly needing a piss. Or a fuck. Both would be fucking great. He pulled Kendall into his arms and tangled his hands in her hair, her tears wetting his shoulders. “I want you to shine. But if Outlaw offs me because I’m defending you, where would that leave you?” He kissed her ear and nosed her hair. “My club brothers and I have a strong bond. Even if Christopher killed me, he’d hold it against
you
and that wouldn’t bode well for
you
. You’d be at risk with the others, too.”

Kendall shuddered against him and she threw her arms around him. Johnnie didn’t doubt that Christopher sometimes jerked off to thoughts of murdering Kendall with his bare hands because he held her responsible for Megs losing their baby. Kendall had to know if Christopher lost it enough to harm Johnnie, she’d be next.

She pulled away from him, her nose red and her eyes swollen from the hard crying she’d been doing. She caressed his jaw. “What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to get better. All better. Better where you wouldn’t need to cling to me.” Because he really wasn’t going anywhere. But no one else had been able to get through to her. His patience hadn’t helped her. For safety reasons and plain damn sanity, he needed to push her out of her comfort zone. “I want you to get your confidence back.”

He could see her fear and uncertainty. It was all there, raw and real, open for him to see.

“You’ve made great strides, baby, but now you just have to reach the finish line. If you need more than a couple weeks, that’s fine too.” He had to backtrack now. Tell her the truth, even if he had to let his threat of leaving hover between them. Although, in retrospect, all he needed to hit her with was the very real possibility of violence between him and Christopher and Johnnie losing. Christopher disliked Kendall as much as he loved Megan.

Enough said.

“I’ll be here for however long it takes. I love you, gorgeous.” He intended to have flowers delivered to her every day she was away, just to let her know how much he loved her. He’d take care of it all at once. That way, when they started piling up fucking bodies because of Zoann, he wouldn’t have to pause and become a romantic motherfucker. “You have to make a sincere effort to win this battle.”

“I-I’m pregnant.”

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her, soaking in her soft, warm body. “I know. And I love our child.” They’d never refer to it as Baby Biker. Their first, lost child had had that distinction and it would be a travesty to gi03+.ve that name to this child. “I want you to be able to be a mother to it, without having to fight inner conflicts. I want it all, Kendall. I want my club family and my blood family. And God knows I want you. You already know how I feel about the club and my family. I’ll never leave again. That’s not to say I won’t compromise up to a point.”

She sniffled and studied him.

“I can build your own house to your specifications. Whatever you want.”

“I’m just supposed to believe your time at the club is—“ She wiggled her fingers in air quotes—“business and or bonding with your so called brothers? Why would I do that?”

“Yes. And because I fucking said so, Kendall. I know you have trust issues, but we have to start somewhere.”

“I-I would rather stay here with you and do it
my
way, not
yours
.”

He’d prefer that too, but it wasn’t fucking working. “It’s my way or the highway and it isn’t subject to negotiation.” He gave himself a mental ass kicking at the rapid blinking of her lids to clear away her tears. Time for a little backtracking and reiterating. “You have no idea how much I love you and want you. But I’ve overcome a lot of harsh shit in my life.”

“I don’t want to go.”

Stubborn wench
. Fuck, she made shit hard. She saw the chink in his armor because of the fast tears rolling down her cheeks. He threw aside that rusty shit and suited up in fucking steel. “I can overcome my love for you,” he said coolly.

Her hands flew to her mouth. “You’re heartless,” she cried around her fingers.

“No, gorgeous. Reasonable. I know beyond
reasonable
doubt you can overcome this. Otherwise, I wouldn’t suggest any of this to you. So what’ll it be? The ball is in your court, sweetheart. I’ll always be here for the baby, regardless of your decision.”