Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (5 page)

“I just wanted to thank you for getting me into the summer college program.  It was the best!”

“Well, I did think you would get some benefit out of it, Cath. “

“I learned so much about writing! I want to be a journalist and write for big newspapers or magazines or even television news shows! And I can still keep up with my art and photography too.  If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have known that.  I appreciate all you did.”  I didn’t want to get too sappy, but she really did help me see my future instead of throwing it away on drinking and stupid boys.  She helped me find some value in my life again.

“Great, now scoot to your next class and I’ll see you seventh period.”

Sixth period was Journalism with Mr. Goldberg who used to work for a newspaper but now was going to law school at night.  I looked forward to showing him what I had learned this summer and to have his help with my articles. 

My seventh class passed in a dream with my hands getting all smudged in charcoal again and claiming my usual seat at the art studio table where I’ve sat and created for the last two years.  I wanted to prove myself again to Sister M and show her in my artwork that I had grown up a lot. Except for having Jame in my first three classes, the rest of the day went fine and I felt like I could breathe again.

My last class was math.  Now, I’m not a great math student but I can hold my own.  At least I do better in math than in science. My junior year math was pre-calculus.  I was a little nervous because I blew off a bit of the Algebra 2 last year in what I was now calling my “lost year.”  But I was confident that I could catch myself up and forge ahead.

Jesusmaryandjoseph
! Not again! There sat Jame in my eighth period pre-calculus room carrying on a conversation with Sister Jeremiah. I shook my head, let out a deep breath and sat as far away from him as I could.

That day I vowed to avoid Jame Patterson forever and ever.

Chapter 15

I was afraid to leave the house.  I worried that Jame was stalking me in the bushes, waiting for me to come out of my house where he could pounce again with his lunatic demands.

I walked around my house unable to write, unable to think, unable to breathe even.  

I plotted my possible escape. I called both my daughters twice just to hear their voice on their voice mail.  I felt adrift, untethered from my safe anchor- the life I built with my girls and my dreams.

And I prayed.  Lord, I prayed- for my sanity, for forgiveness, for peace.  I did not want this volcanic eruption in my neat and orderly life.  I need silence in my head and heart.

That day I vowed to avoid Jame Patterson forever and ever.

Chapter 16

29 Years Ago - Our Lady

of Sorrows High School

The fourth day of junior year started off badly.  My bus from Pleasantville was so late I wound up running up two flights of stairs to my locker and first period English class.  Then my locker got stuck.

Marymotherofgod,
come on locker! I kicked the bottom and it sprung open. I grabbed my English lit book while juggling three other heavy books on my other arm.  Slamming my locker, I spun around to sprint to English when all my books flew out of my arms and onto the floor.

Notebooks, loose papers and heavy textbooks spread out in a huge circle.

Jesusmaryandsaintjoseph help me
I prayed as I dropped to my knees to gather up my mess as the hallway emptied.  

A tall body in brown pants folded itself next to me and asked, “You need help, Cath?”

A sarcastic remark almost escaped my lips when I realized it was Jame on his knees with me methodically slipping my papers back into my books and holding them out for me.

“Th-thanks, Jame. I didn’t mean to do this,” I stuttered as his face came closer to mine.

He touched my arm, which sizzled right through my blazer jacket.  “It’s OK, Cath.  We’re not that late.  I’ll help you.”

Oh nooooooooo.  “WE” he said. That did it.  He snuck right back into my heart through my arm!  Now what would I do?

Jame stood after we finished picking all my stuff up, held out his hand and dammit I took it as he pulled me to my feet.  Putting his hand on my lower back, he walked me to class and I swear I was floating. 

Oh,
helpmemyguardianangels,
I was in real trouble now.

That day I vowed to not lose my heart totally to Jame Patterson ever again.

Chapter 17

No, I wasn’t going to go to my cousin’s in Florida or to a cabin in Maine to write my novel.  I had to make a decision. What the heck will I do about Jame?

That’s enough! I decided that I was going to do
nothing
about Jame.  It wasn’t my problem that he messed up two marriages.  HE wasn’t my problem.  Let him work out his own demons.

My life was just fine.  My girls had checked back in with me last night.  My house was all cleaned up with everything in its place. No worries in my world.

I put on my power business suit, my highest heels and left for a meeting with my editor. No one will stand in my way!

Chapter 18

29 Years Ago - Our Lady

of Sorrows High School

And it started all over again. Cath and Jame. Jame and Cath.  Together again and inseparable. 

He walked me to all my classes, helped me with my chem homework.  I gave him pointers about writing papers for Sister James Elizabeth. We were two peas in a pod and my heart gave up the fight.  I was totally in love with my sweet Jame again and it felt so good.   

We talked about anything and everything, except sophomore year.  That never happened. We had now, the present, and we made it bright with our love.  I had so much fun with Jame. We double dated with Maddie and David, and it was like we skipped over from June of ninth grade right to now.

Our parents warned us not to get too serious.  Jame’s Dad threatened him with grounding if he let us get in the way of his varsity basketball season- so important for college coaches.  My mother pushed college day and night.  She didn’t want me forget my goals and dreams.

But Jame and me- we just floated through our junior year together.  Nothing bad could touch us. Our grades went higher.  We did all our community service together.  I made Crimson Times editor and he became the first junior co-captain of the basketball team.  We were golden together.

The night of our junior prom was magical. We had slaved for weeks making decorations to transform the gym into Camelot, a mythical land of castles and knights.   Formal dress made Jame look like a college guy, and I wore a fairy tale dress with the highest heels because I swear, Jame kept getting taller! 

Snuggling later that night at Maddie’s after-prom party in front of her fireplace, we vowed to always remember this special night, as we grew old together over the years.  That wonderful boy left me breathless and speechless at the same time.

“Cath, come on please.  I can’t take it any more,” Jame groaned as we struggled to get even closer.  We were at our secret place in the woods behind my house, lying together on a blanket I snuck out of my house.  It was an early June night near the end of the school year and our romance had progressed a few levels deeper emotionally and physically.

Jame and I had moved from plain old baby kissing to deep tongue action, from holding hands to touching me all over and tonight he wanted me to touch him.  It all felt so good and so bad-scary at the same time.  I mean we went to a Catholic high school where we would get lectures in health class about never doing any of this until we were married.

Jame took my hand and guided it down and as I did what he wanted, he gave a loud groaning shudder and kissed me like he’s never kissed me before. I felt so powerful yet afraid at the same time.  Was this right? Was this wrong?  I was so mixed up with love for Jame and what our bodies wanted to do.

Two days later it got more intense.  Jame had his father’s car and we went “parking” on a deserted country road behind a closed ice cream store. It was like we were this combustible thing getting hotter and hotter.  The clothes started coming off and if it wasn’t my time of the month we might have done it right there in the car.

It was wonderful.  It was awful.  Jame and I promised to slow down.

A few days later, he broke up with me… again.

“My Dad made me talk to Father Tim yesterday.”

“What for? What’s Father Tim got to do with you?”

“My dad is afraid something bad is going to happen with us getting into trouble.”

“What trouble? What are you talking about?”

“Shhhh. keep it down, please Cath.” Jame walked me over to the empty side of the cafeteria.  “You know- like if something happened to you, like get pregnant or something.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t DO that!’ I protested starting to feel sick in my gut.  Jame’s father was talking to him about me like that? Getting pregnant? 
Jesusmaryandjoseph!

“Yeah, but we almost did the other night. My dad made me talk to Father Tim about stuff.”

“So what did he say?”  This was sounding worse and worse.  I was embarrassed and petrified.

“Father Tim said I should avoid temptation.”

“Meaning…?”

“Well, meaning we shouldn’t be like that anymore.”

I felt a little relieved. OK, we could do that. No more fooling around. “All right, we’ll stop.”

“Well that’s not really all.” Jame looked around uncomfortably.

And there we sat in the cafeteria when he dropped the second bomb of my life on me.  “Meaning we have to break up so my dad will keep supporting me in my basketball thing.”

I sat there on the skinny bench stunned and not wanting to believe what I was hearing.

“You’re breaking up with me again, Jame?  Tell me right now that’s not what you’re doing.”

“I’m sorry, Cath.  I don’t know what to do.  Basketball is what’s going to get me a scholarship to play college ball.  It’s my dream.”

“You mean it’s your father’s dream.” I lashed out with my pain and devastation.

“No it’s MY dream and we’re getting in too deep.  It’ll kill both our chances for college and life.”  Jame stood up.  I couldn’t tell if he was angry, upset, or what.  He looked like a total mess.

But that was nothing like I was feeling.  “Your Dad and Father Tim tell you to stay away from me so you can be a successful basketball player.  What am I, garbage? A witch who will make you lose your basketball powers? Explain it to me, Jame!” My voice was getting louder and louder and some of the kids were looking over at us.

So here I was in the school cafeteria with Jame breaking up with me for the second time- this time
because we had almost gone too far.

I ran out of the cafeteria before I completely broke down in tears. I felt dirty and cheap and wanted to scream at him, YOU wanted all that.  YOU were the one who pushed me for more. And now it’s ME who’s the danger?  I was the one who would ruin his college basketball career? I went into the girls’ bathroom and stayed there for the rest of the school day.

That day I vowed to hate Jame Patterson, his Dad
and
Father Tim forever and ever.

Chapter 19

My meeting with my editor went really well despite my lack of sleep.  I wrote for a semi-prestigious news magazine and website with my specialty of human-interest stories.  I did get to that good journalism college and get a degree- not quite the way I thought it would go, but the end result was the same.  I was a journalist of moderate recognition with a following online around the world.

When I returned home from my trip to the city, I kicked off my shoes, put on my jeans and went to sit in my attic.  I stared for a long time at that dusty white box at the bottom of a pile of old boxes.  This one had some things in it that would call out for me to come look at them every once in a while, but I had resisted it for years. 

In that box was a piece of my heart, a piece of my past with Jame. The piece that ended us absolutely and forever and ever.

I debated opening that box as I sat there for hours.

Chapter 20

28 years Ago - Our Lady