Moments of Clarity (2 page)

“Don't leave out the word humble,” Sasha piped in with a laugh, knowing that he was joking because of the teasing glint in his eyes.

“Anytime you want to find out for yourself, Miss Sasha Diamond, you have my number,” he declared, suggestively giving her a wink.

For the first time since sitting at the table, Sasha really looked at him. She was sitting so close to him she could feel his breath fanning the whispers of hair just below her ear. Sasha wished the sunglasses she had purchased were covering her eyes so she could mask her expression.

Sexton Johnson undeniably had an air about him. His skin looked smooth and was an unusual coloring of smoke and charcoal. But he was no pretty boy with facial hair that included a thick mustache. On his chin was a neat, round circle of black hair. His eyes were so dark that the pupils were indistinguishable from the cornea and he wore his black hair in rows of thick braids tight against his scalp. And then there was his body. Sasha loved the bodies of basketball players. Whenever she watched a game, she was in awe of their physical perfection. They were thick, but not fatty because of their constant running up and down the court. Today, Sexton wore a casual tee shirt and a pair of basketball shorts that stopped right above his knees. The muscles in his calves were prominent even though he was sitting.

His body was absolutely perfect. Additionally, he possessed a sensual quality that could not be manufactured. She dropped her eyes in embarrassment. What she had meant to be a sly assessment had turned into a long perusal of him from head to toe, lingering too long in the area just below his stomach.

Sexton sat quietly observing Sasha size him up and he was pleased. Her lips said she wasn't interested, but her eyes said that she was.

Suddenly, Calvin looked at his watch and exclaimed looking at Sexton, “Man, we have to hurry or we're going to be late for conditioning.”

Sexton glanced down at his Rolex and agreed, “You're right. Why don't you go and hail a cab and I'll take care of the bill?”

As Calvin stood and adjusted his clothing, Sasha realized how much he and Tiara looked alike, except for the fact that Calvin was much taller and shaved his head. They both were strikingly good-looking with full lips and slanted eyes. If you slapped a wig on Calvin they could double as twins. He leaned over and kissed Tiara on the cheek. “I'll come by sometime this weekend and drop your tickets off.” Smiling at Sasha he added before he walked off, “It's been too long. Don't be such a stranger.”

Sexton reached into the pocket of his shorts and pulled out some bills held together by a gold money clip fashioned into the shape of the symbol of a dollar sign.

“Ladies,” he said smiling at them, “breakfast is on me.” He placed a folded bill on the table, and then, looking pointedly at Sasha, said, “Let me know if I can do anything else for you,” before he winked at her again, smiled at Tiara, and went to join Calvin as he stood waiting at the curb with a taxicab.

“Whew!” Tiara breathed deeply, playfully fanning herself with an imaginary fan as she watched the cab merge into the traffic and Calvin and Sexton disappear. “The sexual tension between the two of you was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Sexton is really smitten with you. Heaven knows how you could resist his obvious invitation. He's so damn fine.”

Sasha blurted out her next words without thinking. “If it weren't for Abdul, I would have taken him up on it.”

“You should have. It's not as if the two of you are married or anything. In fact, you're not even engaged.” She gave her an encouraging smile. “You're allowed to go out with other people.”

“I didn't encourage Sexton because I don't want to take him up on his offer out of spite.”

Tiara gave her a questioning look.

“Abdul and I had a pretty nasty spat this morning. I had just left his place when you guys saw me. He made me so angry I stormed out.”

“Is that why you're running around without a bra on? I noticed,” she added dryly, “as did everyone else at the table.”

Sasha half-laughed. “I don't have on any drawers either. Abdul's place is such a dump. Anything that breaks doesn't get fixed. I mean that it's literally falling down around his ears.”

“Then why doesn't he get his landlord to fix it? That's what they're there for.”

“I told him that weeks ago, but he said that if he did, the landlord would go up on his rent and he doesn't have the extra money. He rents on a month-to-month basis.”

“Bummer. Why don't you two get together at your place? Your loft is so beautiful.”

“I suggested that, but Abdul said that my hours are too crazy and he's not going to sit around my apartment waiting for me like he's a house husband.”

“Well, I know that there has to be give and take in every relationship in order to make it work.”

“I realize that. But lately I've been doing all of the giving and Abdul has been doing all of the taking.”

Tiara looked aghast. “You don't mean to tell me that you're giving him money?”

“Abdul never asks me for money, but he never has any either. Anytime we do anything out of the ordinary, I have to pay.”

“Why is he so broke? He does own his own business.”

“He does, but he's barely eking out a living. His storefront is expensive. Harlem used to be cheap, but ever since Clinton moved in, property values have gone out the roof. You know, it's sad to say, but a lot of times black people don't support each other's businesses. I'm sort of ashamed to say it out loud, but I don't even buy that much from him. How many wooden elephants or bowls do you want in your house or give to someone as a gift?”

Tiara smothered a laugh. “Not too many. That's the kind of gift you give to your nosy mother-in-law or adult stepchildren who just won't go away. Just kidding,” she amended hastily because of the look Sasha gave her.

Deftly shifting the conversation back to the problem at hand she said, “Sasha, when you met Abdul you knew that he had a fledgling business.”

“I know, but there comes a time, or should come a time, when some of those idealistic dreams that we have when we're young change into reasonable goals. If that pie in the sky crap ain't working, it ain't working.”

Seeing the woebegone look on Sasha's face, Tiara couldn't able to hold it in any longer. She laughed so loudly the couple at the next table stared. Once her laughter had subsided, she looked at Sasha and, with a serious edge to her voice said, “Sasha, you met him on New Year's Eve handing out leaflets in Times Square. You knew from the beginning that he wasn't the CEO of a major corporation.”

Sasha didn't say anything for a while, just sat absently stirring her lukewarm cup of coffee. She said slowly, “It's not just that.”

“There's more?” Tiara stared at her as she took another sip from her coffee cup. With a grimace of distaste, she set it back on the table.

Sasha now spoke very slowly. “He's different from when we first started going out.” Then her next words came out in a rush, as if she had to say them in a hurry or not say them at all. “In the beginning, Abdul seemed very passionate about things. We would talk for hours about what we wanted to accomplish in our lives. He followed politics and we could discuss every current issue that was going on here or abroad. Now he doesn't watch the news because he says that everything you see on television is propaganda by the mainstream media in order to show Muslims in the worst possible light. Even though I didn't have the same religious beliefs that he had when we met, I felt that he truly believed in his faith. Now, sometimes I think that he uses it as an excuse not to do the things that I want to do or to have any fun.”

“I've never heard you talk like this before. If you feel this strongly, why are you still with him? Girl, if I were you, I'd jump that ship as if it was the
Titanic
. It's not as if you owe him anything.”

“I don't leave him because I know that he's faithful to me.”

“How do you know?” Tiara looked at Sasha with a raised brow.

“If your man was cheating on you, he wouldn't give you a key to his place,” she answered. “I can show up at Abdul's anytime I want, and I don't have to call and tell him I'm coming. Also, when I get there he's always alone or with his cousin.” Sasha gave Tiara a tired look. “I've been cheated on before, and even before I found out for sure, I knew something wasn't quite right though I couldn't put my finger on it.”

“I guess you would know then,” Tiara acknowledged.

Sasha continued, “Fidelity is a big thing for me. Because of his upbringing, Abdul doesn't believe in fooling around with a lot of different women.” Sasha drew in a deep breath. “As a nurse, you don't know how many times I've had to stand in an examination room while the doctor told a woman that she has a communicable disease or had tested positive for AIDS. It's heart-wrenching to watch. There's denial, and the patient declares that there's been a mix-up in the lab and insists that the doctor redo the whole testing process. After the second round of tests with the same result, the tears begin to fall, and then comes the anger. For days afterward I watch the news anxiously, hoping that a murder doesn't result from the information that I helped to deliver.” Looking at Tiara, she added quietly, “And that's why I stay.”

Tiara waved her ring hand at her and said, “And that's why I got married. It can be dangerous to be single in today's society. I can't believe people are still taking chances by sleeping around. It's like playing Russian roulette with your life. But Sasha, Abdul isn't the only man who doesn't cheat. There are others. Maybe you two should take a break.”

“I can't leave him right now, not after this morning. It would be too cold. He would think that it's because he's poor.” An image of Abdul's hurt yet angry face before she walked out of the apartment came to mind.

“I hear what you're saying, but after all you've just told me, I can't believe you gave Sexton the brush-off. You don't run into men like him every day. You act as if they are everywhere.” Tiara added with a smile, “And he has money.”

Sasha grimaced. “Yeah, probably too much. He didn't have to pay for breakfast for everyone.”

Tiara smiled. “I didn't get the feeling that he was showing off. I think that he was simply in too much of a hurry to wait for the waitress to divide up the bill.”

“I know. But Sexton has only had two conversations with me, and each time he has come on to me as if he just has to have me. It makes me nervous. I'm sure that like most men, it's all about the thrill of the chase. If I had called him like I was supposed to after your party, I doubt he would have shown the interest he did today. If we had gone out he probably would have become bored with me halfway through the date. Obviously he's just flirting with me.”

Tiara scoffed. “You're insane. Have you really ever looked at yourself? You're absolutely beautiful. Even Calvin said so the first time he met you.”

“Really?” Sasha answered, surprised by this revelation. “That's news to me. I didn't think he even noticed me, he seemed totally engrossed in my sister Desiree.”

Tiara looked away, then looked back at Sasha as if she was going to say something but changed her mind. “I think Sexton whisked you off to a corner before he got a chance to engage you in conversation.”

“Can you imagine what Sexton's life must be like with women throwing themselves at him all the time? He doesn't even have to promise them anything. There's a real demand for rich, good-looking, Black men,” Sasha said.

Tiara responded, “I think it might become boring after a while. Calvin travels with the team and he said that some of the players hang out all night right before a game at strip clubs, but usually he and Sexton just chill in the hotel room, relaxing and watching tapes of their opponents.”

Sasha sighed. “I don't need or want a millionaire. I just wish that Abdul would lighten up, make his business a success, and take me to see
The Color Purple
on Broadway before it closes.”

Tiara reached over and put her hand consolingly over Sasha's. “Call him. You'll smooth things over.”

“I can do better than that. I'll stop by his store after he has a chance to cool off.”

“Be a sport and take him out to dinner.” Sasha and Tiara looked at each other before they chuckled at the irony of it.

Chapter 2

Sasha let herself into her loft and gave a sigh of satisfaction as she looked around at the décor. Mahogany furniture and accent pieces dominated her L-shaped living room and dining room combination. A forty-two inch LCD television hung on the wall facing her brown suede couch, overstuffed chair, and ottoman.

She kicked off her shoes on the hardwood floor, then walked down the long hallway to the bedroom. A queen-size bed, covered with an ecru comforter set that matched her wheat walls was the focus of the room. Matching nightstands flanked it. Sasha picked up her phone to check her caller I.D. and grimaced. There were no calls.

She bent over and withdrew from her overnight bag the uniform that she had worn to work the previous night and threw it in the hamper in the corner next to her closet. Then she stripped her clothes off and walked naked into the bathroom.

Standing in front of the closet doors that doubled as two full length mirrors, she eyed herself critically. She was proud of the fact that she had no scars on her body. Even after years of playing sports, her body was unmarred. Since working the night shift at the hospital, she had gained a little weight and it had all settled in her butt and breasts, yet she'd remained toned. Sasha made a mental note to schedule a trip to the store for new bras. The ones she had were too small and recently, when she had bent over to pick up a box of supplies at work, one of her boobs had popped out. Thankfully no one had seemed to notice that she'd remained bent over at the waist fidgeting with her clothing before straightening.

Sasha reached for the shower cap hanging on the bathroom door, and after stuffing her hair under it, stepped into the shower. The water pressure was stinging and relaxing at the same time. As she lathered her body her mind wandered back to the morning's events. The minute her eyes had met Sexton's she'd felt irresistibly drawn to him. Because of that, she had tried to mask it by being more offhand with him than she felt.

Now that she was alone with her thoughts, she had to admit that he was a spectacular specimen of man flesh. However, she felt guilty about feeling such an intense attraction to Sexton right after the bout of lovemaking with Abdul the previous night. Remembering this, she deliberately dragged her mind away from Sexton and concentrated on how to make things right with Abdul. Admittedly, his place was a dump, but Tiara was right in saying that she'd known that early on in their relationship.

Stepping out of the shower, she quickly dried off and after wrapping a towel around herself, lightly padded over to the nightstand and picked her telephone receiver off the hook and dialed the telephone number to Abdul's shop. It was answered on the fourth ring. A voice spoke rather sharply, “A Dose of Reality, Pandora speaking.”

“Hello, Pandora, this is Sasha. May I speak with Abdul, please?”

There was silence and then a curt, “He's stepped out for a moment. Would you like to leave a message?”

She ignored the antagonism she heard in Pandora's voice and said, “Tell Abdul I'll be down in about an hour.”

“Will do,” was the only response before she heard the dial tone in her ear.

She muttered to herself as she dressed. “I'm going to talk to Abdul about her. She always has an attitude. I know that he doesn't pay her a lot, but she needs to conduct herself better than that.”

She rode the subway to Harlem and sighed in exasperation when she returned to the sidewalk and caught the scent of rain. Glancing up the sky, she saw black clouds looming overhead. She began to stride more quickly, wanting to reach Abdul's shop before she got drenched in the imminent thunderstorm.

Spying the small gray building between a dog grooming shop and beauty parlor, she sprinted towards it, barely reaching it before a clap of thunder. The heavens suddenly seemed to open up.

Sasha slipped into Abdul's shop and slammed the door, breathing a sigh of relief at her narrow escape from a drenching. She looked around, surprised tht no one was behind the counter. Then she heard a sound from the storage area and went to the door, opened it, and stood transfixed.

Abdul was sitting in a leather chair with his head thrown back. His back was to the door and she could tell from his reflection in the cracked mirror that hung on the wall facing him that his eyes were closed. The only noises in the room were the sounds that came from him.

Sasha silently moved forward.

Pandora was down in her knees in front of Abdul, pleasuring him. She too looked to be in a state of ecstasy. The sight of what she had stumbled upon made Sasha hastily step back, bumping the door. Only then did they realize that they were not alone.

Abdul swiveled around in the chair. His surprise was quickly replaced by fear when he saw the look of total disgust on Sasha's face.

Her eyes then moved to Pandora. She had a sullen look as she slowly got up, shielding her body behind Abdul's chair. She unflinchingly held Sasha's eyes with hers.

Abdul stood and slowly zipped up the fly on his pants. He avoided Sasha's eyes and looked down at the floor as if he was studying some unseen object.

The room was as quiet as a tomb.

Sasha finally spoke, and her words sounded as icy as her expression. “I thought she was your cousin?”

“Pandora is my play cousin.” Abdul looked down at his feet again and then up again at Sasha. “I'm sorry that you found us like this, but it's really not what you think,” he stammered. “Occasionally we help each other out, when the need arises.”

“But we were just together last night,” Sasha replied dully. “What need could you have?”

“Don't get melodramatic. We never said that we're exclusive.” Abdul's voice was strained as he tried to explain away his betrayal.

Sasha continued to stare at them. Then she looked at Pandora, and the pity she felt for her was reflected in her voice. She spoke to her slowly and clearly, as if talking to a mentally retarded person. “What makes this so sad is that you don't have enough sense or self-esteem to know how you're supposed to be treated. Every day you have been pretending that you're only his secretary. You've been content to stay in the background, waiting for the leftovers from another woman.” She paused and now said musingly as if she were alone and thinking out loud, “Your mother must have really done a job on you.”

“Don't you talk about my mother!” Pandora became so incensed at Sasha's words that her eyes seemed to bulge out of her head. “What does my mother have to do with this, anyway?”

“Women usually mimic the behavior of their mothers.” Sasha stared her straight in the eye and shook her head sadly. “Somehow, somewhere, you've gotten the idea that it's okay to share a man.”

“I'm a grown woman. I do what I want to do,” Pandora retorted.

“So you're actually telling me that this is all you want from him?” Disbelief was evident on Sasha's face as she looked at her.

“Yes.” Pandora stood and defiantly glared at Sasha even though she remained shielded by Abdul.

From deep within, the anger that had been building steadily from the moment she'd entered the room spewed out. “Good, because that's all you're going to get from him. The way you start a relationship is pretty much the way it's always going to be. You will always be just a back door ‘ho' to him.”

The unapologetic, now even triumphant look on Pandora's face made Sasha nauseous. She felt bile begin to rise and tried to quell it, but suddenly her body lurched forward and spilled the contents from her stomach down the front of Abdul's groin area. Once she'd finished, Sasha calmly reached over and tore off some paper towels from the roll on the desk. She calmly wiped her flushed face and took in the angry look on Abdul's face. “I could say I'm sorry that I vomited on you, but I don't want to be the hypocrite and liar you are,” she said to Abdul, who sat there immobile, unable to speak.

Then she turned around and walked out of the room and out of the store and out of his life.

When Sasha got back outside she looked up at the clear sky surprised to find the thunderstorm had passed so quickly. Then she turned and saw the brightest rainbow she'd ever seen.

* * *

Hours later, she sat on the cream leather couch in Tiara's living room.

“Get out of here!” Tiara exclaimed once Sasha finished talking. She hadn't uttered a word throughout the entirety of Sasha's story, but her mouth had hung open and now she reached for her untouched glass of wine. She swallowed the contents in one draught. “Diddling the secretary. Abdul gets an ‘F' for originality. And to think that I encouraged you to go and talk to that jerk to try and work through your differences. I feel awful.”

“Well, I'm glad that you did,” Sasha said quietly. “Otherwise, no telling when, if ever, I would have found out.”

Tiara had a sudden thought and said, “Aren't they kin?” Tiara was horrified at the thought and her expression showed it.

“They're not blood,” Sasha answered. “They just call themselves
play cousins
.”

“Girl, that's that ghetto mess. Black people are always going around claiming that they are related to people that they aren't. They use that as a cover to be nasty, and that sex buddy idea is for the birds. If I am sleeping with a man, I'm not going to pretend around others that we're just friends.” Disgust at the afternoon's revelations showed clearly on Tiara's face.

“Now that I know what's going on I understand why Pandora would be so nasty to me whenever I called to talk to Abdul.”

“Obviously that was nothing but jealousy.” Tiara gave Sasha a quizzical look. “What does she look like?”

“Does it matter?” Sasha looked down.

“Not really, but I'm interested in knowing.”

“She's really, really unattractive. And I'm being kind in my description. If anyone ever saw the two of them together they would never suspect that they're lovers,” Sasha added with disgust. “I would have never suspected Abdul of sleeping with someone like her.”

“That's what makes it the perfect cover-up. Ugly women are the worst. Men say that they don't want beautiful women because they're too high maintenance, but the truth of the situation is that they like ugly women because they are so desperate they're willing to go back door. Ugly women are far more deadly when it comes to men because they go for the jugular. They are willing to sneak and put up with anything in order to have a piece of a man. Girl, women with low self-esteem are the cheating man's dream. No matter what you might say about Abdul, he is handsome. I guess Pandora really thought that she was doing something by making him cheat on you with her,” Tiara finished.

“She didn't make him cheat on me. She just made it easy for him to do so.”

“Well, I guess it's true what they say.”

“What?”

“A stiff dick has no conscience,” Tiara retorted, angry on her friend's behalf. She continued, “And to be named Pandora. That name itself is a conversation piece. Abdul puts new meaning to the phrase ‘opening Pandora's box.' ”

“I feel so humiliated.” Sasha began to weep quietly, wiping her tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

Tiara moved over and sat close to her on the couch, putting her arm around her shoulders. She said consolingly, “You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You didn't know.”

Again Sasha wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “I don't know why I'm crying. I've known for some time that I'm not in love with Abdul, at least not the kind of love that makes a person want to marry someone and be with them forever.”

Tiara very calmly got up and returned with a box of tissues. She handed it to Sasha. “You're crying because you think that you've been duped. No one likes to be taken advantage of,” Tiara nodded her head in understanding.

Sasha continued to cry. “To think that I wasted two years with that loser.”

“Don't think of it as a waste of two years. Think of it as a saving of many years to come.”

“I know. But I thought that he was basically a good person. You don't know the opportunities I've missed out on because of him. Everyone gets sick sooner or later. Working in the hospital I meet a lot of eligible men. Did I tell you that Abdul tried to excuse his behavior by saying that we weren't exclusive?”

“That does take a lot of nerve,” Tiara agreed. Then she said, as a way to lighten the atmosphere, “Actually, the timing is perfect for you to find out about this. There's a silver lining in this cloud. Now you can go out with Sexton with a clear conscience,” Tiara prompted with a note of encouragement in her voice.

Sasha shook her head negatively from side to side. “Are you crazy? If a man like Abdul, with absolutely nothing going for him, could lead a double life, what do you think that Sexton is capable of?”

“So now you're going to lump all men together because of what Abdul has done? Shame on you, Sasha.”

“I don't think all men are like Abdul,” she denied. “I just want to be by myself for awhile. No more drama.”

“But Sexton seems to really like you and he's not going to be available forever. I say strike while the iron is hot. That's why I snapped Peter up.”

“But Abdul has caused me to doubt myself. I've thought myself a good judge of character. Now I've lost confidence in my judgment.”

“Well, I'm glad that I have Peter,” Tiara said with relief. “Being single these days is for the birds.”

* * *

For the second time that day, Sasha let herself into her apartment and walked to her bedroom. From the doorway she could see the red blinking light on her answering machine. She pressed the message button and heard a series of hang-ups before she heard Abdul's voice which held an obvious sense of urgency, “Sasha, I've been calling you for hours. I'm sorry about what you found out, but there's more to it than that. Give me a chance to explain. Call me.”