Monster (18 page)

A quick scouting of the house proved Chester correct. The musky, oily scent of the gaborchends clung to the air. The bedroom furniture was askew and there were track marks in the carpet. But there wasn’t a single creature to be found.

“This doesn’t make any sense,” said Monster. “They couldn’t have just vanished.”

“Sure, they could’ve,” said Judy. “It’s magic. It does all kind of weird shit like that. Now get out of my sister’s house. Or do I have to make you?” She cracked her knuckles.

“Okay, okay.” Monster threw up his hands. “Hell, you just had to ask.”

She flung open the front door, catching a tall, black-haired woman by surprise. The woman’s hand was poised to knock. She lowered it.

A second, hulking woman thrust her way through the doorway. She had big ears, huge nostrils, and a long, thick face. Her swollen, muscular limbs and massive upper body would’ve put the most steroid-enhanced bodybuilder to shame. She moistly chewed on a wad of gum.

“Who the hell are you?” asked Judy with a sigh.

“I’m Ed,” said the dark-haired woman. She gestured to her giant friend. “And this is Ferdinand.”

“Ferdinand?” repeated Monster.

“It’s a joke,” said the giant, without a hint of humor. “You’re Judy, right?” She glanced at the photo. “Yeah, you’re her.”

She moved toward Judy, who responded by socking Ferdinand in the face. Ferdinand didn’t notice the blow, but Judy clutched her hand to her chest in pain. Ferdinand seized Judy in a headlock.

Monster stepped forward but stopped as Ferdinand fixed him with a glare.

“We ain’t gonna have a problem, are we?” she asked with a snort.

“No, no problem.” Monster stepped back.

“Good.” Ferdinand blew a large bubble then swallowed it down. “I’ll be waiting in the car, Ed.”

The giant, dragging Judy helplessly along, trundled through the door and toward a waiting automobile parked in the street in front of the house.

“Hello, I’m Ed,” Ed said with a grin. “And you are?”

“Monster. And this is Chester.”

The paper gnome waved. “Hi.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” said Ed. “Really, it is.”

“Where are you taking her?” said Monster.

“Oh, I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. Mrs. Lotus gave very clear instructions.” Ed winced. “Oops. I suppose I shouldn’t have said that.” She laughed, mouth wide, braying, before covering up her face sheepishly. “I guess it doesn’t really matter. Mrs. Lotus said we were supposed to—how’d she put it?—sanitize the scene. I think that’s the way she put it.”

“Now wait a minute…” Monster moved toward Ed and received a foot to the gut as his reward. Her kick was so hard, he was sure he felt something delicate and necessary pop inside.

He closed his eyes tight, vanishing, as he struggled to catch his breath.

“Hey, that’s a neat trick!” said Ed. “Too bad you won’t get to show it to me, but Mrs. Lotus doesn’t like me out of the house for too long, so I guess I better get going. Really, I’m so, so, so sorry about having to do this.”

She pulled a small red serpent from her pocket. With a deft flick of her wrist, she twisted off its head and tossed the corpse onto the carpet.

“Have a great day.” Ed left, shutting the door behind her.

“This could be a problem,” said Chester.

“Is she gone?” Monster dared open one eye and spotted the serpent, twitching with fresh life. “Aw, shit. That’s not a hydra, is it?”

“I’m afraid so.”

The serpent twitched again and two heads sprang from its neck. It also swelled to double its original size.

“Aw, shit,” said Monster again. It was a sentiment worth repeating.

The venomous, double-headed serpent slithered toward him.

The hydra launched itself through the air like it was spring-loaded. Monster raised his forearm. Instead of sinking its two sets of fangs into his throat, it bit his arm. He would’ve been dead right that moment except for his immunity to venom. He didn’t even notice most poisons, but there was a slight burn in his veins from the hydra’s potent one. The fangs hurt a hell of a lot more. Monster flailed his arm, trying to shake the creature.

“Careful,” said Chester. “You don’t want to—”

One of the hydra’s heads lost its grip, and as Monster snapped his arm suddenly, the serpent’s second head popped off. The creature struck the wall hard and fell onto the carpet. It twitched a bit as two more heads sprouted from its missing neck, bringing the total to three.

Monster pulled the clinging head from his arm. “Crap, that stings.”

“You have to be careful with the heads,” said Chester. “The heads come off really easily.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Monster.

“Kind of like anole tails.”

“I know.”

The hydra was nearly through with its latest growth spurt. Monster closed his eyes.

“That won’t work,” said Chester. “Hydras hunt by smell.”

The hydra threw itself forward. Monster ducked aside, and it flew over his head and landed on the couch. He grabbed the first thing available, a hardbound coffee table book, and used it to smash the hydra. He struck it several times. The cushions put a bounce in each blow. The headless hydra lay across the couch.

It was only a temporary reprieve. The heads would grow back and the serpent would get bigger. The only thing that could be relied on to kill a hydra was fire. Monster ran into the kitchen.

The stove was electric. He didn’t have time to wait for the burner to warm up. He threw open the only door he saw in the kitchen. It was a pantry. Dead end.

“Chester, see if you can find some matches.”

Chester folded himself into a monkey and began opening drawers and cabinets with both hands and feet. The red serpent, now grown to the size of a Saint Bernard, slithered into view in the archway between the living room and kitchen. Venom dripped from their jaws, and for the first time Monster regretted his immunity to poison. Instead of receiving the mercifully quick death from the toxins, he was going to be torn apart.

The hydra’s new heads didn’t appear to be getting along very well for the moment. They snapped at their neighbors, keeping it distracted.

He could make a run for it, but the sudden obvious movement and noise would be sure to alert the creature. With six heads, the odds were that one would catch him. Or he could stand here, perfectly still, until it sniffed him out.

“How are those matches coming along?” he whispered.

“Not so good.” Chester opened a drawer. The hydra squeaked slightly, and one head turned toward the kitchen. It narrowed its nearsighted yellow eyes and flicked its tongue, tasting the air.

Monster, moving very slowly, removed a notepad and pen from his pocket. He scribbled a sloppy rune. There was no time to double-check in his dictionary. He could only hope he remembered it correctly.

The alert head rasped a warning, and four of the remaining five turned their attention to the kitchen with an inquisitive hiss. The sixth head was too busy devouring a bowl of waxed fruit to join in.

Monster tore out the piece of paper. It grew warm in his hand.

The serpent slithered into the kitchen. The many heads searched the countertops and cabinets, sniffing in various directions. One drew close to Monster. It flicked its tongue once, twice. Then opened its mouth to alert the others that it’d found the prey.

Monster held out the paper. The hydra snapped it up and swallowed. The head went up in flame. It howled and writhed. The flailing, flaming head whipped wildly, setting the kitchen cabinets ablaze. It brushed Monster, searing his shoulder. Chester folded himself into a hummingbird shape and tried to get out of the way. One of his paper wings caught fire, and, cursing, he flew out of the kitchen, leaving a smoking trail.

The flaming head’s neighbors were soon ablaze. Lashing about in a panic, the serpent backed up. Its red scales glowed bright scarlet as the heat radiating from its body and from the many fires it was spreading thickened the air. Having a demon for a girlfriend kept Monster from being overwhelmed by the atmosphere. Geysers of flame exploded from the hydra’s skin. It was growing again, more rapidly than ever. In less than a minute, it’d probably be too big to fit in the house. If he didn’t make a break for it now, he’d never get past the thing.

The hydra’s huge body blocked the alcove out of the kitchen. The only alternative left was to climb over the counter between the kitchen and the living room. He flung himself through it, banging his hip and shoulder in the attempt and falling ungracefully on his face on the other side. There was no time to notice the pain. The hydra’s long tail, now completely on fire, smashed the floor beside him. It raised up and looked as if it might crush him before swinging away, knocking the flaming sofa through a wall.

“Owowowowowowowowowow,” screamed Chester as he spun around in small circles on the floor, trying to beat out his wing before it consumed all of him.

Monster snatched up Chester and ran through the spreading flames, out the front door, and onto the lawn. He tossed Chester into the grass and stomped on him until the paper gnome was extinguished.

“Okay, okay!” shouted Chester. “I’m out already! You can stop!” He sat up. There was a hole in the left side of his body. He touched it gingerly and black flecks crumpled from the edges. “Ouch.”

The hydra’s whipping tail of flame smashed through the house’s wall, causing one side of the blazing structure to collapse. The serpent’s burning heads burst through the roof. A tower of fire shot three hundred feet in the air.

Monster and Chester put some distance between themselves and the conflagration. They ducked behind the tin car just as the hydra exploded. They crawled under the car to avoid all the flaming debris raining from the sky. It fell for a few minutes.

“What did you feed that thing?” asked Chester. “Fire rune,” said Monster. “But it shouldn’t have had that reaction.”

“Sometimes I wonder how you ever passed your rune certification.”

“We’re still alive, aren’t we?” They crawled out from under the car and surveyed the hole where the house had stood.

“At least it’s dead,” said Chester. “Yeah. Too bad, though. A hydra score is worth a lot of money.”

“Should we call the fire department?”

“I’m sure someone already has.” Monster checked his burnt shoulder. It wasn’t too bad, though it stung painfully to the touch.

A cab pulled to the curb, and a woman stepped out. From the edge of the sidewalk, she surveyed a blackened kitchen sink sitting in the grass.

“What happened to my house?” she said quietly. “You must be Judy’s sister. I’m Monster, and this is Chester.”

“Hi.” Chester waved.

Greta said, “I came home early because I was having a really weird day. A lion destroyed my car.” She tried to remember. “I think it was a lion. And then there was some other… stuff. I don’t know. I just wanted to come home early, drink an espresso, maybe watch a movie. But now my house is gone.”

“It was either us or the hydra,” said Chester. “We’re really sorry about this, miss.”

“Thank you.” She studied Chester for a long moment. “Are you a paper man?”

“Paper gnome.”

“My mistake.” She nodded to herself. “I think I’ll go wait over there until the fire department arrives. If that’s okay with you.”

“Sure. No problem.”

Greta walked away and didn’t look back as the sounds of sirens drew closer.

Judy wouldn’t have minded being kidnapped nearly as much if her abductors had had the decency to bring a properly sinister vehicle. There was something vaguely insulting about being thrown into a purple minivan against your will. They could’ve at least had the presence of mind to tint the windows.

Ferdinand sat in back with Judy. The giant woman kept her iron grip on her prisoner’s neck.

“Ouch,” said Judy. “You don’t have to squeeze so tight.”

Ferdinand snorted and looked out the window. For a few minutes, there was only the sound of her chewing gum.

“Mind if I turn on the radio?” asked Ed from the front.

“No easy listening,” said Ferdinand.

Ed didn’t turn it on.

“You don’t mind, do you?” asked Ed of Judy.

“Whatever.”

Ferdinand squeezed tighter. Judy could barely breathe.

“No reason to be rude,” said Ferdinand.

“Sorry,” croaked Judy. “Being kidnapped puts me in a pissy mood. I’m funny like that.”

Ferdinand frowned. Her nostrils flared and her ears twitched.

“You’re not human,” squeaked Judy through her constricted windpipe.

“Eh, close enough.” Ferdinand loosened her grip from suffocating to merely bone cracking.

Judy rolled her eyes. “Oh, hell, this is more of that stupid magic crap, isn’t it?”

“I’m afraid so,” said Ed.

“Now sit back and shut up,” said Ferdinand.

“Please,” added Ed.

Judy did as she was told. Once she knew this was all about magic, she decided she wouldn’t even try to understand it. She’d just ride it out. It wasn’t as if she had any choice. Ferdinand was too powerful to resist. She just hoped they weren’t planning on sacrificing her to some forgotten god, making her a mummy’s bride, or feeding her to a dragon. She wasn’t too worried. They usually wanted virgins for that stuff.