She’d read many self-help books, but her usual fodder was about focus and effectiveness, organization and efficiency. She
liked
those books; it fed her work habit. In the quiet internal books—she couldn’t even find anything to highlight. And Erin
liked
to highlight. It made her feel enterprising.
When she had satellite hookup, she tried TV. Out of three hundred channels, she couldn’t find anything to engage her brain. She put on a movie and realized that even her favorite chick flicks weren’t as much fun without Marcie giggling or sighing and Ian whining that he was being tortured.
So she e-mailed her office and told everyone even remotely related to her cases and clients that she was computer functional again and already feeling very rested and relaxed, so she had the time to consult if they needed her input. Since they were all at work, the responses came instantly. We’re doing fine—just enjoy yourself. Everything under control, boss, have a good time. No problems here, Erin—just make the most of your vacation!
She decided it was probably best to leave the cabin, so the next morning she jumped in her car and headed over to Eureka to do a bookstore prowl. Erin loved to read, but she read for a couple of hours in the evening and had no interest in wiling away an entire day with a book, even a great book. She was much better at staying busy. So, on this trip through the bookstore she bought books on crafts, from gardening to quilting. Before buying any actual craft supplies, she decided she’d graze through the books to see what caught her interest. Lord knew she had never had time for crafts before.
When she got home late in the day, she poured herself a glass of wine and paged through the books. Everything had the same effect on her—it was like watching paint dry. Then she got to the book on gourmet cooking that had slipped in there and her throat tightened up. Her eyes blurred and burned. Gourmet cooking? For one?
The next morning she headed out again—this time to Costco and Target. She bought a hammock to string between two trees and some large, fancy plants and big pots for the deck. When she got home and realized she’d forgotten to buy tools for hanging the hammock or potting soil for the plants, she left the whole business outside for when the spirit moved her. If it moved her.
The next day she just got in the car in the morning and drove; time to see the sights. Time to check out those little tucked-away antique stores she claimed she couldn’t wait to visit yet had no real interest in. While she drove, she thought—mostly about Marcie and Drew. She was so proud of them both; so honored to have been the one to help them get to this stage in their young lives.
Finally, finally, finally that time of life she’d worked so hard toward was here—they were truly adults who could manage full, productive, happy lives.
Suddenly she realized she’d driven south for hours and was almost to the turnoff to Clear Lake. She pulled off the road. She could take the turnoff and just go home to Chico and forget this whole summer-on-the-mountain thing. Marcie and Ian wouldn’t make fun of her, and Drew was in Los Angeles. The people at the office? They’d talk about workaholic Erin, but she was a partner—they’d talk quietly.
Then she remembered that day in the ladies’ room at the courthouse when she’d overheard a conversation about her while she was in a stall. “She goes out with men, but usually once, and it never works out,” one woman said. And the other had replied, “She is so uptight, the woman has no life!”
In all the years since she was old enough to date, she’d only dated four men more than twice and all four had had major complaints about her—she was not just uptight and self-protective, unable to let down her guard, but also overconfident, too serious, inflexible and, oh yes, bossy. She worked too hard and too much; she just couldn’t relax. She couldn’t count the number of times she had been told to
just let go
…
Three of those men had later hired her as their tax attorney and one came to her for his living trust and estate plan.
She made a wide U-turn and headed back to Virgin River.
In a couple of days Franci and Rosie would go to San Francisco to pick up Sean and bring him back to Virgin River. He had time for some leave, but by mid-July they had to be on their way to Montgomery. They had to find housing before Sean started Air Command and Staff College in August, a one-year program for senior officers who had the potential to be leaders. As in, generals.
The thought of Sean being a senior officer always made Aiden chuckle. He could almost see Luke as a general more than Sean. Sean had always been such a fuck-up. But he’d also been an honor graduate from the academy and a good stick—slang for a pilot with both good instincts and good hands.
After doing his family chores, Aiden was allowed his own time again. He dressed for a hike, but he took his car. He drove right up to Erin’s cabin this time, hoping his garden hadn’t dried up in his absence. There was no car there, as usual. And his garden seemed to be thriving.
But lo and behold, there was at long last a change. There were three pretty large plants sitting on the deck. Beside them sat three nice-looking ceramic pots. And that was all—no bag of potting soil. So someone had been around. He looked into the house through the French doors—no sign of life in there.
Also on the deck was an opened box displaying a macramé and wood something. He took a closer look. It was a hammock, the instructions lying out, but abandoned. There were no tools there for putting it up, but all that was needed was a screwdriver and small wrench to secure a couple of brackets. So he tended his garden and the next day he brought some potting soil and a couple of tools to put up the hammock. And why was he doing this? Because Erin was completely helpless and he had the time, that’s why. Then he smiled a little, remembering the sight of that fantastic booty.
Mel looked over her shoulder and said, “Well! Hello! I knew I’d run into you eventually!” She stood up from her table, pen still in hand, and came to Erin, giving her a friendly hug. “How’s it going?”
“Great,” Erin said, smiling. “Totally great.”
“What can I get you?” Mel asked. “Come and sit with me and tell me all about the family.”
“I just thought I’d stop off and grab something I can warm up later for dinner, but you…” Erin glanced at the table Mel had occupied. “You seem to be working.”
“A little patient charting. I told Jack if he’d take David with him on errands, I’d do my charting over here and that way if anyone comes into the bar, I can fetch Preacher from the kitchen. The baby is asleep over at the clinic—Dr. Michaels is standing guard. Do you have time for something to drink?”
“I have nothing but time,” Erin said with a laugh. “All summer.”
“Wow. That must be an amazing feeling.”
“Oh, amazing,” she said. She glanced at Mel’s drink and said, “Diet cola?”
“Gotcha covered,” Mel said, going behind the bar. “So, Jack tells me Marcie and Ian are expecting…and what else did he say? Something about your younger brother…”
“Accepted into an orthopedic residency at UCLA Medical Center.”
“Wow. I did some of my internship in my nurse-practitioner program there,” she said. She brought Erin the cola. “He’ll have enough broken bones and car wrecks to keep him busy. I saw the cabin—I hope you don’t mind.”
“Mind? I’m glad you did! What did you think?”
Mel leaned back. “Well, girl, I saw that place before and after. I don’t know how you and Paul managed to get something that beautiful out of some pictures sent over e-mail.”
“Collecting the pictures was the easy part,” Erin said. “It’s still small—just two rooms. Of course, I sent some design suggestions that Paul rejected for construction reasons—we had to modify the design in the kitchen and bathroom to accommodate new plumbing features. After that, it was furniture shopping, which I did well in advance so they could make the delivery date. He’s really gifted, isn’t he?”
“Paul built our house,” Mel said. “He did that as a favor, but now that he’s set up part of Haggerty Construction down here, he’s the builder of choice. What I’m really curious about, Erin, is why you decided to do this at all. I don’t know many people who can manage to take a whole summer off, and you planned it so carefully.”
“It didn’t really happen that neatly. Ian and Marcie were coming up here for the occasional weekend. Then Drew actually used the cabin as a getaway a couple of times. Both Drew and Ian have been in school and it was a great study retreat for both of them. I was the only one in the family not interested, at least not until the loo was moved indoors.”
Mel laughed. “Understandable. I never did go for the idea of the outhouse. Still fairly common up in the hills, by the way.”
“I thought I might like to borrow the place if it was spruced up a little. When Ian told me to go for it, I got a little carried away. He admitted he was thinking as far as a septic tank, while I added a whole room and had it rebuilt from the floor up, adding a nice big master bath and full kitchen. Not to mention a stone hearth and covered deck.”
“The deck’s the best part, I think. Watching a sunset from there must be pure magic. You and Paul make a good team.”
“It’s beautiful,” Erin admitted.
“What made you decide to make a summer of it?” Mel asked.
She shrugged and looked into her cola. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been accused of working too much, of not knowing how to relax.”
To her surprise, Mel laughed softly. “I can relate.”
“You can?” Erin said, eyes wide.
She nodded. “I was an E.R. nurse for years before midwifery, and then I was a midwife in a huge trauma center—we got the most complicated cases. A lot of our patients hadn’t had prenatal care and were in serious trouble. My first delivery was a woman arrested on felony charges and handcuffed to the bed, surrounded by police. My older sister, Joey, said I was an adrenaline junkie.”
“And then you came here,” Erin said. Mel had actually shared her story with Erin on her only previous visit when she had come looking for Marcie to bring her home. Mel had told Erin her first husband had been killed in a violent crime and she’d fled L.A. in search of a major change.
“The joke was on me,” Mel said. “I was looking for peace and tranquillity and ended up being hijacked out to a marijuana grow op to deliver a woman in a life-threatening childbirth situation. I was almost killed by a grower who broke into the clinic looking for better drugs than his pot. And my own baby was born out at the cabin Jack and I lived in, by candlelight, because a bad storm knocked out the lights and phone. A tree blocked the road and we couldn’t get to the hospital.”
“Really?” Erin said, her eyebrows lifted high. “You didn’t tell me any of that before.”
“You came to get Marcie and she didn’t want to be rescued,” Mel said. “I didn’t think it would help Marcie’s cause much. Anyway, so much for me giving up adrenaline. I have to admit, though—most days are peaceful. It’s just that when they’re not, they’re really not.”
“Frankly, I could do with a little excitement,” Erin grumbled. “I swear to God, if one more person sends me an e-mail about taking time to smell the roses…”
Mel just laughed at her. “Erin, don’t be talked into feeling a certain way. If working is what’s fun for you—then work!”
“You’re not going to lecture me on balance?” she asked with a smile.
“Don’t you have that? Family, friends, a getaway cottage in the mountains, an exciting job…?”
“Tax and estate law?” Erin asked, wide-eyed. “I think the fact that I find that exciting is one of the things that people think is most disturbing!”
“I wasn’t going to mention that.” Mel chuckled. “But if you find it exciting…”
Erin leaned toward her. “I’ve worked really hard,” she said earnestly. “I did the things I set out to do. I have a very large client base. You can believe the partners never suggest I’m working too hard. The firm takes a lot of their pro bono cases off the backs of my rich clients who are in trouble with the IRS. My client base is so valuable to them, I had to threaten to resign to get a leave of absence from the firm. I hadn’t taken more than a long weekend in ten years. Drew’s in residency and engaged to be married soon to a lovely girl. Marcie and Ian are very happy, and expecting their first baby at the end of the summer. The pressure is off! I can now relax and enjoy life more and I can’t think of one thing I want to do.”
“Oh. My.”
Erin leaned back. “It’s true. Don’t you dare tell anyone—but I haven’t been here two weeks yet and I’m so bored I can’t stand to wake up in the morning, facing another long, impossible, dull day! I’ve been putting in so many hours for so many years….”
“Law school then a busy practice…” Mel said. “That’s been a long haul, I’m sure….”
“It started way before law school. I was busy as a kid, needed to help at home.”
Mel frowned. “Marcie mentioned you girls lost your parents young….”
“Our mother died when I was eleven. Marcie was four years old. Drew was still in diapers.”
Mel thought for a moment. “You must have done a lot of babysitting….”
Erin laughed. “A
lot?
That was all I did. I hurried home from school to take over from the babysitter we’d hired, start dinner, wash and fold some clothes, get their baths, settle them down for the night. The sitter usually left things a mess and I didn’t want Dad coming home to that, he was already a wreck. Our dad tried, but he’d just lost his wife and it took him a good year to catch up with us.”
“It hasn’t just been ten years since you’ve taken a vacation, has it?” Mel asked softly.
“Dad died suddenly during my first semester of law school. I was still living at home, of course. Drew and Marcie were only thirteen and fifteen. It wasn’t a problem for me to have complete custody of them, at least.”
“At what? Twenty-two?”
“I was mature,” Erin said dismissively.
“I’ll bet,” Mel agreed. “And now, having done a lifetime’s work in a third of a lifetime, you’re feeling a little put out to pasture? Like you don’t have a purpose anymore?”
“Oh my God,” she said. “I couldn’t put it into words, but it’s like I have to take the summer to figure out how to be alone, and happy and content alone, because what I am now is
alone
.”
“And you’re how old now? Thirty-five?”
“Thirty-six.”
“Erin, my darling—you’re thirty-six and you’ve been a mother for twenty-five years. You’re going through empty-nest syndrome.”
“What?”
“We make so many sacrifices to parent…we give up so much. Willingly, of course. It’s what most of us want to do—to have a child and make that commitment. Sometimes it comes as a blow when they say, ‘Okay, I’m all grown-up now. Back off and let me make my own decisions.’”
“But…but I talk to Marcie every day, and Drew at least a couple of times a week. We’re still very close.”
“Well, of course! They love you! But at long last they’re on their own. They don’t need you. You have all this time to make a new life…. Because your old life is over…”
“But I have women friends who load up a suitcase full of books or tapes or needlework and head off for a week of solitude and love it. Or go on these enormous walks through Ireland or hike the Grand Canyon and—”
“Erin, for one thing—they didn’t start at age eleven. You’ve been dancing as fast as you can for twenty-five years, just trying to stay one step ahead.” She leaned toward Erin and grabbed her hand. “You were just a kid when you had to start being a mother to your siblings. And there’s a difference between getting away and feeling cast away. Besides, I bet you never had the luxury of finding great, fulfilling hobbies!”
And Erin thought,
I couldn’t try out for cheerleading, not that I could walk and chew gum at the same time. But there was after-school practice, and after school was dedicated to the kids. I could be on student council, but I couldn’t go to student-council camp. Well, Dad said I could, but the look on his face said it would be a huge burden and he’d worry about the kids without me there.
But she’d never cared about that. Had she?
“Yeah, my dad depended on me,” Erin said. “I was going to do that up here. Find a great fulfilling hobby of some kind. So far I haven’t thought of a thing.”
“You’re still trying to cope with the loss. The empty nest.”
“Really?” she asked. “You think that’s all it is? Empty nest?”
“All?”
Mel asked. “Erin, that’s a lot of loss. It’s a little death. Some women just blow it off. When their kids go off to college or get married, they just close the vents in their children’s rooms or turn those spaces into dens and sewing rooms. Other women really struggle and feel a lot of emotional pain. You were awfully young when you started mothering them.”
“Huh,” she said. She took a drink of her cola. “Well, what am I supposed to do for fun now?”
“Gosh, I don’t know,” Mel said. “There’s bound to be a period of adjustment. You’ve probably been going through a period of grief already and maybe you’re not quite done with that. Something will come to mind.” The door to the bar opened and a man in rough-sewn work clothes wandered up to the bar. Mel looked over her shoulder. Then back at Erin. “Can you tend bar?”