Authors: Regina Bartley
7
Moon
I have been waiting for what feels like forever and I still haven’t heard from Shine; not one single word. She won’t have anything to do with me and I can’t for the love of all that is holy, understand why. I sat there at that hospital in that red uncomfortable chair for so many hours and never left, just to find out that she wanted nothing to do with me. I won’t ever be able to forget her face the day she told me to get out. She was so afraid, as if she’d seen a ghost. What choice did I have? All I could do was go. She obviously didn’t want me there with her, and now even after she is home I still can’t see her. It makes me want to punch something, but I have already put two holes in my bedroom wall and mom nearly shit, so I won’t be doing that again. I still have the bruised up knuckles to prove it.
Four grueling days and one nasty autopsy later, we finally got dad buried. I didn’t cry. Is that awful? I must be a pretty sick bastard to not even cry at my old man’s funeral. Mom nearly had to be carried away from the grave site and watch while everyone stared at her ungrateful son. Yep, that day went well. The morning of the funeral mom asked me to wear a tie and I fought with her about it. I didn’t want to wear the stupid ass tie. I made a big fucking deal about it and got her all upset. I didn’t do it intentionally. It just sort of happened and afterwards I felt like a douche. Maybe that’s the way that I deal with things, but I would have had everything under control had Shine been there. She has always been my back bone.
I promised momma that once she got dad’s things into boxes that I would get them moved down into the basement. Every day since the funeral I have carried one box. That is all she can manage to box up. We haven’t actually sat down and talked about it, and I don’t question it. She calls me down to move the one box and that is what I do. Every. Single. Day.
After I helped momma, I went back to moping in my room. I am like a lost dog who can’t find his way home. Now, I am sitting here in my chair looking outside my bedroom window. It’s pathetic, I know. The same tired routine each night.
Luckily the stars are out tonight, and when I see the stars shinning bright like that I always think of her. Her birthday is coming up and I’ve had her gift for months now. I reached for the velvet box under my pillow, feeling it still there. I was going to give it to her early. The night of the crash I had planned on telling her that I love her and giving her the necklace that I bought her, but I never got the chance. I opened the box and rubbed my fingers across the Silver Star charm that dangled at the end of the necklace. When I saw it at the store I had to get it. I just kept thinking that maybe every year I could add another charm to it. Now I wonder if I will even get to see her on her birthday.
I slammed the lid down on the box and shoved it back under my pillow. I went back to my night watching. The neighbors probably think I am some kind of a creep. They may even call it stalking, but they can bite me for all I care. I can see her bedroom window from my bedroom window, and my light never goes off until hers does. Seems like this way we go to bed together, and I don’t want her to go to bed alone. I think once I talk to her I can set things straight. Let her know that she’s not alone and that she doesn’t have to be scared.
I rubbed my eyes twice thinking maybe I was seeing things. I could swear that it was her walking around outside in the yard. “Fuck,” I hit my head on the window when I tried to strain my eyes to search for her in the dark night. I rubbed my hands back and forth across my head and slowly bent down and peeked out again. “Well I’ll be damned. It is her.”
What is she doing outside in the middle of the night? She hasn’t stepped foot outside that house in a week. I didn’t wait around to see and I didn’t even put my shirt on. I grabbed the box from my pillow and ran outside to see her.
The grass was cold on my bare feet and the night air was cold on my bare chest. I was only wearing a pair of gym shorts, but I didn’t care. I ran to her as fast as I could. “Shine.”
She looked really sick. Her wrist was in a cast and her body looked frail and bone thin, but it wasn’t the way her body looked that terrified me. That look in her eyes when she spotted me was horror. I know it. I didn’t get too close because I feared that she might pass out. I swallowed the large lump in my throat and tried not to take offense to that look. It was sickening to watch. The girl I love is standing here looking at me like she hates me. My heart was slowly breaking and I wanted to fucking cry. She would be the only thing in this world that would make me cry, but I won’t. “I just wanted to talk to you for one minute.” I said slowly but I never took a step closer.
“I can’t.” She looked down at the ground before she turned to leave.
“Please,” I yelled after her. “You don’t have to look at me if you don’t want.” She didn’t. She never turned around, but she had stopped dead in her tracks. “I don’t know what I’ve done to make you hate me so bad, but whatever it is I’m sorry. I have missed you so much and my world has fallen apart. It’s a fucking mess, Shine. I need you so bad right now, more than I need the fucking air I am breathing.”
“I can’t be that person, Moon. Things have changed. I am not the same girl I was.”
“It’s okay. You are still my girl no matter what.” I said and watched as her body trembled as she tried to silently cry. It was tearing me up inside to watch it. I couldn’t. I walked over to her and laid my hand on her shoulder. She took a sharp breath and moved away from me quickly. What the hell?
“I told you I can’t. Please don’t push me right now.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I just. I really miss you. I miss you so bad it hurts. I thought that after you saw me that everything would go back to normal. I can see now that I was wrong.” I tried to step around her just a little. I hated that I was talking to her back and that I couldn’t see her beautiful face. Once again she turned away. I bit down on my jaw so hard that I swear I drew blood. I just don’t understand. It makes no sense that she won’t look at me.
“Moon,” she said in a whisper. I could barely hear her. “I’m sorry.” Well at least I think that’s what she said, but what the hell for.
“Why? You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong, Baby. I should be apologizing to you. I don’t know if they told you but my dad’s blood work proved that he’d been drinking. He was fucking messed up and I hate it so bad. When mom told me that he was picking you up, I flipped out. I was gonna come and get you myself. I swear. God, Shine, I am so sorry.” She cried harder. “Don’t cry, please.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I am going back in the house now. I’m not ready to do this, any of this; with you or with anybody.” She ran her hands vigorously down her sides. I wanted so bad to hold her in my arms, to fix everything. “I have to have some space. I need time to heal and I just really want to be left alone. Things may never go back to the way they were and as bad as it hurts I have to say this. I can’t be around you right now. It hurts me. We can’t see each other. Okay?”
“Why?” was all that I could say. I bent over resting my hands on my knees. I feel like someone kicked me right in the gut and knocked all of the wind from my chest. I wanted to just tell her that I love her and that I have loved her my whole life, but I couldn’t. She was too upset and she would think I was only saying it to get her to change her mind. It just wasn’t the right time. I wonder if there would be a right time.
“Just because, please don’t ask anymore. Drop it, okay.” She started to walk away.
“Wait, hold on a sec. I have something that I need to give you before you go.” She never turned around to look at me and I knew that she wouldn’t. “I got something for you for your birthday and I was going to give it to you the night of the accident, but I never got the chance.” I stepped up as close as I could get to her without making her run. “I need you to close your eyes and trust me for one second. Could you do that for me? Then I will walk away and leave you alone.”
She didn’t say no and she put her head down so I took that as a sign that it was okay. “Are your eyes closed?” I asked. She didn’t speak, only shook her head. I grabbed the necklace out of the box and chucked the box on the ground. I stepped close enough to her that I could smell her and it was doing crazy things to me. Damn, she smells so good. I wish I could touch her. Ah hell, I wish I could touch her right now. Just kiss her cheek like I used to do every day before this shit happened.
“I will try my best not to touch you.” I spoke but it came out so shaky that I don’t know if she understood me. Fortunately, the necklace was long enough to put over her head without unhooking it. As I slid it over her head I heard her take a deep breath. It was so loud that I dropped the necklace onto her neck. I was trying to be easy with her but she scared me. So much for being graceful. I jumped back quickly. “I am sorry. You startled me. You can open your eyes now.”
I waited and watched as she opened them. I still couldn’t see her reaction from where I stood, but I could hear it. She gasped loudly. “Do you like it?” I asked her.
“It’s beautiful.”
“It made me think of you. The first time we met I thought your eyes looked like the stars. I remember thinking that I had never seen anything so beautiful, and then you kicked me. It was the cutest thing ever and well, I haven’t left your side ever since. I don’t plan to either. So, please don’t shut me out of your life.” She was still crying and I didn’t know if I had said too much.
“Thank you, Moon.” She whispered into the air.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I just need some time, and I don’t know how much. There are things that I can’t talk about, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to. I promise that I will try. I will try to come back. But for now, you have to give me the space I need. Can you do that for me please?”
“If that’s what you want.” I wanted to take a hold of the hand that hung down by her side, but I fought off the urge.
“It’s what I need.” She nearly pleaded with her words and I would do anything for this girl. If space is what she needs than that’s what she’ll get, no matter how badly it hurts.
“Okay,” was all that I could say in response. I wasn’t going to argue with her. I could tell in the desperation of her words that she needs me to understand what she’s saying more than anyone. I have always been there for her and I won’t stop now.
“I want you to know that this necklace is the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me, and I will cherish it. Each time I look at it I will think of you. Always.” I nearly choked at her words. There was a simple shred of hope somewhere in those words and I would hold onto them with my life.
“Bye, Moon.”
“Bye, Shine baby.”
8
Shine
When he called me baby I wanted to just turn around and run to him as fast as I could, but it wasn’t possible. I closed the front door and leaned back against it. My hand was still holding onto the Silver Star that hung from the necklace. It really is beautiful. I will never take it off as long as I live. It was a good reminder that he would always be by my heart, but just out of my reach.
It was so good to get to speak to him. I felt like I was able to give him a little closure and maybe him seeing me so broken would keep him farther away. He was suffering, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to help him, not if I was suffering too. We would make a good pair. A hot mess is what we would be. We have to heal first, and to be completely honest I’m not sure I care if I ever heal. What good would I be? I tucked the necklace down inside of my shirt before I went to see the folks. This should be pleasant.
I walked into the living room where mom and dad were watching TV. The looks on their faces was priceless. I figured I would put on a good show so that they would get off my back about this doctor nonsense. I would only agree to one thing and I wanted to puke just thinking about it. I sat down on the love seat. They were seated on each end of the couch, and both were staring at me like I had two heads. “Okay, here is what I’ve decided. I will go back to school on Monday, but I am quitting the squad and I don’t want to see any doctor. I will get through this on my own.”
“I don’t know,” Mom spoke quickly.