Authors: Keren Hughes
I’ve been dry for two weeks now. I’ve earned my first chip for the first twenty-four hours dry. Now my next target is thirty days. That’s when I get another chip. It’s funny…I didn’t think chips actually kept you sober. A coin has no magical powers to keep you dry, after all. But what the chip does, however, is give me a sense of purpose. I want to hit each target. I want to get out of here and never have to come back.
Getting out of here is going to be an entirely different thing. Real-life is going to be so much harder. There will be things outside these walls that push me to want to drink. The lure of alcohol could prove all too hard to resist. But I won’t let it beat me. Not now, not ever. I want things to be different. And so they will be.
Laters,
Drake.
Annalise
It was hard getting my life back together since Drake left. In fact, it was exhausting. The first thing I did was go back to work. With Ayden being at school, I could only work part-time but that was better than nothing. Upon returning to the office, I asked for a transfer to a new building. I didn’t want to have to work with him every day, knowing that we weren’t together. Nor did I want to face the pitying looks from my colleagues and friends. So I asked my boss for a transfer as quickly as possible. It wasn’t as good as at the old office, not at first. I didn’t know anyone, I couldn’t go out for lunch with the girls anymore. I’d never been the kind to make friends easily. I’m more introverted, where most other people aren’t.
Aimee, one of the girls in our office, was leaving on maternity leave and I volunteered to help throw a baby shower. I don’t know why, it’s not like me. But I had to do something to keep my mind occupied and make new friends while I was at it. Two of the girls, Jade and Nicky, were really friendly. I hadn’t given them a chance before. But helping find the things needed for the baby shower had us all solid friends, fast. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without them. They’d since taken me out for drinks and tried to get me to go to a club, to
shake what my mother gave
me
, as Nicky had once put it after a couple of bottles of rosé. I think that was a reference to an advert on telly or something. Jade had burst out laughing and we had all ended up trying to…what do the ‘cool kids’ call it? Oh yeah, twerk.
I was finishing work early one day when Nicky had asked if I wanted to go out for drinks with her and Jade later. I accepted the invitation as I knew the girls would cheer me up. What they didn’t know was it was my birthday.
I got ready that evening and dropped Ayden off with Lynne for the night. I got a taxi to the cocktail bar where we were starting our night. I was first to arrive, so I ordered myself a drink and found my way to the back of the bar. I was feeling a bit blue, waiting for the girls to arrive, so I sat watching other people while I peeled the label from the bottle in my hand. I dug my phone out of my clutch bag and sent a text to Nicky:
Anna: Hey, I’m here waiting, where are you?
A few moments later, my phone beeped with a reply:
Nicky: Sorry, taxi got held up in traffic, on our way into the bar now.
I looked up from my phone and saw Nicky and Jade entering through the double doors at the entrance. I waited while the guys working the door checked their IDs and allowed them in.
Walking to the bar to greet them, I saw a cute guy looking my way. He was dressed in black trousers and a sky blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. There was a tattoo peeking from under the sleeve and I wondered what it was of. He winked at me, or at least in my general direction. I wasn’t sure, he could have been looking at someone behind me. He turned in my direction and began to walk towards where I stood rooted to the spot.
Suddenly I realised I didn’t want to talk to this guy and my feet began to take me in the direction of the girls. I walked away from the cute guy without as much as a look over my shoulder.
“Hey, girl,” Nicky said as she leaned in to kiss my cheek.
“Hey, what can I get you girls to drink?” I asked as I reached for my purse.
“I’ll have a cider, please,” Jade replied. She always drank cider, so I wasn’t sure why I’d even asked.
“We can share a bottle of wine if you like?” Nicky asked.
I got the attention of the barman and ordered our drinks.
“I’ll pay for these,” someone spoke from behind me.
“We’re good, thanks,” I replied.
“Please, allow me. It would be my pleasure to buy three beautiful ladies a drink,” he persisted.
“Hey,” Nicky nudged me in the ribs. “Let the guy buy you a drink.”
I hadn’t told the girls much about my split from Drake, just that I was finding it hard to move on. I guessed this was Nicky’s subtle as a sledgehammer way of trying to encourage me. “
The best way to get over one guy is to get under another,
” she had said to me one evening when we’d gone out. She was joking in what she said, but still, she thought it was about time I tried to start afresh. Even if it led to nothing, she’d encourage me to flirt wherever possible, that was just her way.
“Okay, thanks,” I agreed, turning to face the mystery buyer of our drinks.
It was just my luck that it was the cute guy from moments before. He obviously hadn’t read me walking away as reason to not pursue me. Some guys exuded confidence and always got what they wanted. This guy seemed just that kind.
“James.” He extended his hand towards me. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Hi, I’m Annalise,” I said as I shook his hand, noticing my palm felt slightly sweaty. I wondered if he’d notice.
My heart was pounding in my ribs. He smelled familiar, but not at the same time. I couldn’t put my finger on it as I lifted my glass and took a rather large gulp.
“I’m Nicky and this is Jade,” Nicky said as she extended her own hand his way.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”
He spoke with a soft accent. I couldn’t place it, but it didn’t sound local. He was pleasant to listen to as he spoke to the three of us about what he did for a living and asked where we were from.
A song came on in the background and James asked if I would like to dance. I let him lead me to the dance floor, my hand in his. The song spoke of how it wasn’t pretty when a heart was broken but I didn’t really pay much attention as I lay my head on James’ shoulder and swayed with him in time to the music. I could feel every rise and fall of his chest, feel his breath whisper across the back of my neck and his strong arms holding me tight as we danced. He felt good, comfortable even. As the song came to an end, he led me back to the girls, again taking my hand in his.
The smile on Nicky’s face said it all. She was sure James and I had hit it off. I felt the sensation of butterflies in my stomach, maybe even a little unsettled. It was nice to be made to feel attractive, but I couldn’t use this man to move on from Drake—or any other man for that matter. It isn’t right to enter into something when you aren’t over the previous relationship. Nobody was saying I had to have a relationship with James, but if I knew Nicky the way I thought I did, she’d make it her personal mission to help me see that it wouldn’t harm anyone if I were to start seeing someone, even just for a little fun.
“I’m going for a cigarette,” I said to the three of them as they stood by the bar.
“Mind if I join you?” James asked as he removed his own cigarettes from his pocket.
“Sure.”
I walked in the direction of the smoking area and toyed nervously with my lip piercing as my mind raced.
Once outside, I lit a cigarette and stood talking to James about nothing of any consequence. When I had finished my cigarette, James leaned into me and crushed his lips to mine. It felt good, the butterflies in my stomach doubled in size. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me flush to his chest. His kiss was passionate and frenzied, his hands found their way into my hair and he pulled my head back slightly, kissing from my ear lobe down my neck.
He caught my lips with his again before whispering in my ear; “I want to take you somewhere and fuck you senseless.”
His words made me shiver. It felt good to be wanted. He made me feel sexy, something I hadn’t felt in quite some time. But I wasn’t sure I could do what he wanted.
“Do you live around here?” he asked.
I nodded. I was at a loss for words in that moment.
“Could we…?”
His question went unfinished, but the intention was clear.
I thought about his question for a moment before shaking my head.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
My words lingered in the air for a time before he spoke again.
“Okay, maybe we could exchange numbers. I’d like to see you again.”
I didn’t want to lead him to think there might be more to me than just one kiss, one fleeting moment.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said as I turned on my heel and walked away without looking back.
He called after me but I didn’t answer and thankfully he didn’t follow me. I walked back to the girls and told them I was ready to head home.
Dialling the number for a local taxi firm, I took my heels off and stood outside the bar waiting for the sensation in the pit of my stomach to subside. There in that moment, I wanted to call Drake and remind him of what he had done, but I thought it might be better if the night ended there.
My birthday had ended in disaster, just as I predicted it would. I went home alone. I don’t think I’d ever known how it felt to be as alone as I did right then.
Drake
“Hi…” Suddenly my throat felt parched and I needed a stiff drink. But drink was what I’d come here to get away from. I had to get my life back on track. I’d left the woman I loved, my son too, and it was the motivation I needed to get free from the drink once and for all—whether I could ever regain her trust and get us back on even ground was another matter—I needed to do this for myself, not just for Anna and Ayden, but because I wanted to be sober. I didn’t want to continue to throw my life away like I had been. I cleared my throat and started again.
“Hi, my name’s Drake and I’m an alcoholic.”
The room burst into a chorus of “Hi, Drake.”
I looked around at all their faces, young and old, black and white, male and female. Alcoholism, it seems, is a disease that does not discriminate.
It felt weird launching into my story about why I was here, but others had shared before me and more would after me, so I took a few even breaths and gave them a shorthand version of the events that led me to chase the elusive dream at the bottom of each bottle I consumed.
“My father dying was the catalyst for me to start drinking more heavily. I shouldn’t use his death as an excuse, though. I drink because I’m an alcoholic, but his death hit me hard and I hit the bottle harder.”
I felt watchful eyes on me. I wasn’t sure how much of my story to share. I’d shared it with Zeke in a private session and now I was mentally questioning whether I was ready to share with the group. I held my chip in my hand, rubbing my thumb over it like it was a good luck charm.
“The thing is, my life hasn’t always been easy. I don’t come from the closest of families we never really talk about feelings, just bottle things up instead. I began drinking when I found out I had gotten a woman pregnant shortly before I got with my wife Annalise. I didn’t find out about it until Anna was four months pregnant herself. If I’m really honest, I got with Annalise because I had fallen in love with her, but she was already pregnant by some stupid little twat that didn’t want anything to do with the baby. I had made a promise to Anna that I would bring the baby up as my own. We were his or her parents as far as anyone needed to be concerned.”
My throat went dry and I reached for the bottle of water I kept at my feet. I took a large gulp and inhaled a few deep breaths before carrying on.
“But then I found out that I was actually going to be a biological dad too and it knocked me for six. I was ready to take on Anna and her unborn child. But a child of my own that the mother didn’t want me to bother trying to contact? That was entirely different. I don’t exactly know how, I just know it was. I found out via a mutual friend that Rachel—the woman I had a one-night stand with and subsequently got pregnant—had given birth to a baby girl. I had a daughter called Morgana. Anna knew all about this, but nobody else knew except my friend Hunter. I didn’t have the courage to tell the rest of my family. I asked Anna for advice about whether to try and see Morgana or not. But Rachel contacted me via social media and told me not to bother trying to contact them because she was in a new relationship and as far as Morgana was concerned, this guy was her father. It was eerily parallel to my own situation with Anna.”
I paused and looked around the room. Everyone was silent and expectant.
“I didn’t know what to do or how to feel, and so I drowned my feelings in bottles of Budweiser or a tumbler of Jack Daniels. I didn’t drink every day. I was a good father when Ayden came along and Anna and I had the wedding of our dreams. Everything was perfect for a while. But after a short time, I began to feel the fingers of doubt try to grasp at me. I began to drink more, getting home late at night after lying to Anna, telling her I was working late. In the end it all caught up with me and I landed in here.”
The room was silent except for the beating of my heart pounding loudly in my ears. Then the others all erupted into a round of applause, as we usually did when someone was courageous enough to tell their story.
A loud knocking pulls me from the memory of earlier that day.
I open the door to see Zeke’s smiling face. He always has a broad smile, I’ve never seen him frown in the months I have known him. Sometimes he furrows his brow when he’s thinking, but other than that, a smile is always in place. I don’t know how he does it. I haven’t smiled in months. Well, that’s not true, I smile at memories of Anna and Ayden, but there’s nothing to smile about in my current situation.
“So, how’s art therapy going?” he asks as I open the door further to allow him entrance to my room.
“It’s therapeutic, Doc. But then, you know that already.”
“Yes, but I mean is it actually helping?” he asks as he takes a seat in the armchair in the corner.
“It is and it isn’t,” I reply as I take a seat on the bed.
“Care to elaborate?”
“Well, I sketch lots of things. A lot of my drawings are of the gardens outside, some are of the other people here. But then, sometimes I draw Anna and Ayden. When I’m drawing other stuff, it’s great. However, when I draw the two people I love most in this world…well, I get emotional. Those emotions can make me smile or they can cripple me. I’m not used to expressing my feelings, as you know, Zeke. I don’t handle it well when those feelings threaten to drown me.”
“Hmm…is this your sketchbook?” He asks the obvious question as he reaches for a book on the table next to his chair.
“It is.”
“May I…?” the rest of his question hangs unasked in the air.
“Sure,” I grumble as I put my head in my hands.
Zeke flicks through the pages, spending time looking at each of my sketches. Most of them really are of the gardens outside. There are so many beautiful things to be seen out there. Some of them are sketches of the other people in here. I love to draw people, there’s something about their faces, their unspoken emotions. But then there are plenty of sketches of Anna and Ayden too. I started off by sketching the photographs I have with me. Then I started drawing from memory; the smile on Anna’s face, the look of love in her eyes, pictures of my beautiful son. No matter what happens, they will always be my world.
“These are amazing, Drake.”
I look over at Zeke and see the megawatt smile that’s spread across his face.
“Thanks,” I mutter as I scrub a hand over my face, the day old stubble bristling against my fingers.
“She’s really beautiful,” he remarks.
I glance over to the picture he’s looking at. It’s one of Anna on our wedding day. I had a dream one night and when I woke up, I grabbed my pencil and pad to draw the beautiful smile she gave me as she walked down the aisle. It’s only a picture of her face, but it’s probably the best one I’ve drawn.
“She is.”
I sink further into the bed, knowing what’s coming next.
“Why haven’t you called her, Drake? You know you’re allowed visitors.”
“You know why, Zeke. I can’t.”
“You say you can’t, but you can. From what you’ve told me in our sessions, she’s a very loving and understanding woman.”
“But she wouldn’t understand this. I can’t ask her to. She put up with a lot during our relationship. We broke up on a couple of occasions because I needed head space. I don’t show my emotions, I deal with them internally. So instead, my answer has always been to run. She’s always taken me back, understood when I needed my space. Then we got married and we were strong, until this.”
“She took vows to love you unconditionally, so don’t you think you owe her an explanation for leaving her? Don’t you think she’d understand and stick by you? It seems to me like she would.”
“She knew from the start, Zeke. She knew I would never be able to be the man she wanted me to be.”
“And yet she married you anyway. She allowed you to adopt Ayden. Don’t you think she deserves to at least know why you left? It can’t be easy for her and it will be even harder on Ayden. He misses his dad.”
“Don’t even go there, Zeke. Don’t you think I want to see Ayden? But I’m not good enough for him. He needs a man who can be a role model. Anna deserves a better man than me and Ayden deserves a better father.”
“But they deserve to know why it is you left. Even if you can’t get back together, that woman needs some closure. You owe her that much.”
I look at Zeke and then my gaze wanders to the window. I can’t look him in the eye. I know he’s just telling the truth, but I can’t call Anna and ask her to visit me here. I can’t burden her with that. She should just move on and find love with someone who isn’t so emotionally stunted.
“Drake, look at me,” Zeke pleads softly.
I look at him and see his eyes imploring me to do the decent thing.
“I just can’t, Zeke. I can’t burden her further. She doesn’t need that in her life.”
“But don’t you think she deserves to make up her own mind on that?”
I know Anna is one of the strongest women I have ever met, but she doesn’t need the weight of this on top of her. It’s already broken me. I’d rather shoulder the burden alone than break the woman I adore.