Authors: Keren Hughes
“And that, folks, was a song for…”
He stopped talking as he saw me in front of the booth.
“Anna,” he whispered my name as his eyes made contact with mine.
Twenty-Four
Drake
I don’t know how many times I picked up my phone, only to put it back down again. I nearly threw it across the room, but that would have been pointless. Instead I picked up my Kindle and started to read
A Game of Thrones
for the umpteenth time. I got through the entire book without any more urges. I drew some more and tried my hardest not to draw anything related to my Cariad or Ayden. I drew a couple of possible new tattoo designs. I hadn’t got any before I met Anna, but she’d been with me when I had my first and I’d been bitten by the bug. I have several now, but not where they can be seen at work. God almighty, work. It’s been a while since I thought about going back. What would I do now? I’d gotten special dispensation to return whenever I was fit, but how much longer will that be? I don’t have the answers, as much as I wish I do.
Zeke says it’s not mandatory for me to be here, but he thinks I should stay as long as I feel the need. I don’t feel the urge to drink as strongly as I did before coming here, or as much as I did in the early days of my rehab. But I can’t say that I won’t feel the urges when I get out of here. Then again I can’t stay in here forever. I can’t rely on having Zeke on the phone twenty-four-seven, even my sponsor Amelia can’t be there
all
the time. So what do I do in those ‘in between’ moments? I guess I’ll figure all that out when I get out of here.
I’m well on my way to obtaining my next sobriety chip. I have been marking the days off on a calendar that Zeke got for me. The calendar also serves as a reminder how long I’ve been away from my family, though. He also got me a rosary of my own after I picked his up in his office and asked him about it. I cling to it in times of contemplation. I’ve never been the praying kind, never really known whether I believe there is a God or there isn’t. I’ve never given much thought to it to be honest. But the rosary is a physical comfort where I have nothing else.
I’m so engrossed in the second
Game of Thrones
book that I almost don’t hear my phone ring. I scramble around to find it and when I see the name on the screen, I hit the decline button. I’ve been dodging calls from my family and friends ever since I got my phone back. When I get out of here, I want to tell them everything, but it’s not a conversation to be had over the phone.
There’s a knock at my door and I stand to open it. I step aside and Zeke walks in with a woman behind him.
“Hey, Drake, how’s it going?” Zeke asks as he shakes my hand.
“Oh you know, just sitting with my Kindle, avoiding taking phone calls from my brother.”
“Ah, that’s only going to get harder, you know,” he says as he takes a seat in the armchair, his usual spot when he visits me in my room.
“I know.”
I scrub a hand over my face, the day-old stubble scratching at my palm.
“Well, let’s not dwell on that. I wanted you to meet Amelia.”
I look in the direction of the blonde-haired woman who followed Zeke into my room. I offer her a tight smile.
“Hi, Drake, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” She extends her hand for me to shake and I weakly shake it. I can tell just by looking at this woman and the one sentence out of her mouth that she’s going to be too bubbly and happy for me.
“Hello, Amelia. Nice to meet you too.”
This woman is meant to be my sponsor upon my getting out of here, but I might ask Zeke if he can find someone else. She just has an air of ditzy blonde about her. She looks like a Barbie doll, all pert ass and generous cleavage, and she’s dressed in ripped jean shorts, a pink top, and flip-flops. She doesn’t seem the most serious of people. I know, never judge a book by its cover and all that, but I just can’t cope with a ditzy blonde with an effervescent personality.
“I just thought you two should get acquainted,” Zeke says as he stands.
“Okay,” I reply as I look over at him and then back to Amelia.
Zeke’s told me she’s a nice girl and she’ll be a good fit as my sponsor, but I’ve never met her until now. I’m beginning to wonder why he thought she’d be a good fit. I don’t remember giving him the impression I like bubbly blondes.
“What say we go and get a drink from the canteen and have a chat?” Amelia asks as she looks between the two of us.
“That sounds like a good idea, I’ll leave you both to it,” Zeke says as he moves to leave the room.
“Cool. Thanks, Zeke. See you later.”
Just the way this woman speaks gets on my nerves. However, being stuck with her for now, I’ll have to give her a chance.
I stand and make my way to the canteen, Amelia in tow. She tries to make small talk but I reward her efforts with silence. I’m not the silent, brooding type, I just don’t want to talk. The thing is, I’ve been able to talk to Zeke ever since I arrived and I even speak in group sessions now, but I don’t know this woman from Eve and I have squat to say to her.
We grab a cold drink and head towards the patio door that leads into the beautiful gardens here. I don’t want to take this woman back to my room. I don’t like the idea of being alone in a room with any woman except my Cariad.
“It’s gorgeous here, right?” Amelia asks, heading towards a bench in the sunshine.
“Yeah, it is. I like it out here when the typical British weather allows me to take a walk outside.”
“Zeke tells me you like to draw and you come out here for inspiration.”
I don’t know what it is about that sentence that gets on my nerves most. I don’t mind Zeke knowing about my sketching, but I don’t like a total stranger knowing my business.
“Sometimes,” is all I say in response.
“Hey, Drake, I know we don’t know each other very well, but that’s the point of us talking. We’re supposed to get to know each other a little. I get the feeling you don’t want to talk to me. That’s fine, but you’re going to need to learn to trust me if I’m going to be your sponsor.”
I hear the seriousness in her tone for the first time since we met. I know what she says is true, but I’m not ready to open up to her—not yet.
“Sorry. I’m not the silent brooding type. I just have a hard time opening up to people.”
We sit in silence, enjoying the sunshine a few more minutes before she speaks again.
“I know a little about you from Zeke, so you don’t need to confess your sins to me.”
“Sins?” I interrupt.
“Sorry, it’s just a turn of phrase. I know you haven’t done anything wrong. I just meant that you don’t have to sit here and pour your heart out.”
“Oh.”
A resigned sigh emanates from my chest. I guess it’s better to just get it all out there, even though she says I don’t need to. If she’s going to be my sponsor, she needs to know everything in order to help me when I’m out of here, which should be any day now. I can’t hide behind half-truths if I want to move on.
“I’m sorry. Talking about emotions doesn’t come easily to me.”
“And that’s okay,” she says, offering a small smile. “I won’t make you talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. I just want you to know that you can come to me. I’m here to talk, or to listen…whatever you need.”
“It’s just…strangers…emotions…” I struggle to form my thoughts into whole sentences.
“Okay, how about I tell you a little of my story and then maybe you’ll feel more at ease…in time.”
We sit for a couple of hours enjoying the sunshine as Amelia tells me her story. It turns out that she was abused as a kid and turned to drink to numb it all out. She’d tried to get dry several times by going cold turkey, but it never really worked. It wasn’t until she met Andi that she found a real reason to get dry and stay that way. So she signed herself into rehab and worked hard with Zeke to get to the root cause of her drinking, finally being able to freely talk about the abuse she suffered. Andi had been her rock and they’d got married a year ago. Amelia showed me a few photos on her phone of her wife. She had caramel coloured skin, long brown hair, and brown eyes. I could see the love between the two of them in the photos of their wedding. Amelia had been lucky to have found her soul mate. This only made me miss mine even more, but I tried not to let it show as we talked about my reason for being here.
My initial impression of this ditzy blonde Barbie doll had been completely disproven. In fact, she seemed very clever and articulate. Yes, she still had that effervescent personality, but that made her more endearing, not less. Funny how a preconception of a person can be totally wrong. All it took was opening up to her and listening to her talk about her own struggles. She’s been dry for five years now and she and Andi have just adopted a daughter, Cerys.
Walking back to my room alone, I realised how lucky I am. I am a recovering alcoholic, but I’m truly lucky I never let it get as bad as Amelia did. My arrest was the wake-up call I needed to get my life in order and now is the time to do that. I don’t know if I’ll ever get Anna and Ayden back. I don’t really deserve them. I want to be worthy of them and their love, but I’m sure I’ve destroyed my Cariad’s trust in me. I want to get that trust back and I am going to do anything in my power to do so.
Twenty-Five
Annalise
I didn’t swap numbers with James on my night out with Jade and Nicky. I didn’t kiss him…even if a tiny part of me wanted to. Instead, I realised the only reason I wanted to kiss him was to feel desired again. It had been months since I had felt desired, months since the touch of a man had set me alight. But the only touch I craved was still that of my husband. If I closed my eyes and concentrated hard enough, I could still feel his hands on me…
Drake was taking me out for Valentine’s Day and I made sure to dress to impress. I was wearing new underwear bought especially for the occasion…the dress I was wearing was tight fitting, clinging to my curves in all the right ways. I had left my hair down, just the way he liked it, and I wore his favourite perfume. He got home from work a little later than I did, so I had dropped Ayden off with Lynne and Dennis and gone home to get ready. I heard footsteps on the stairs and the butterflies in my tummy began to flutter.
“Anna, are you up here?” Drake called.
I heard the top step creak slightly under his weight so I stood and smoothed the invisible wrinkles from my dress.
The bedroom door opened and the sight of my husband took my breath away. He was dressed in a black, tailored suit with a crisp white shirt and skinny black tie. The fluttering in my stomach became almost overwhelming.
“Cariad,” he whispered as he took in my appearance.
Five steps and he was in front of me. He took my hand and stood arm’s distance away to look at me from head to toe.
“Stunning,” he muttered before claiming my lips with his.
The warmth of his lips on mine, the taste of his tongue as it danced with my own, the smell of his cologne had me weak at the knees. Drake’s arms wrapped around my waist and I reached up to drape mine around his neck. I played with the hair at the nape of his neck and felt him move to push my hair to one side.
“Mmm…you taste good,” he mumbled against my skin as he traced feather light kisses against my neck.
Warmth pooled in my abdomen and I knew if we didn’t stop what we were doing, we’d never make the reservation at the restaurant.
“Baby, we’re going to be late.”
I moaned as he kissed the hollow of my throat. My pulse raced as his hands roamed my body. His touch set me on fire every single time.
“We could just cancel,” Drake said as he began to undo the zipper at the back of my dress.
I wanted to succumb to my desire so badly, but it was a rare night out without Ayden and I wanted to make the most of it. I stepped slightly back and looked at my gorgeous husband.
“Please, Drake, we can pick this up when we get home. Let’s make the most of Ayden having a sleepover with your parents.”
He mumbled something about me being no fun and I flashed him a smile. I straightened my outfit and redid the zipper he had partially undone. Drake not-so-discreetly rearranged the hard-on he was sporting. I laughed and he growled at me playfully. I loved it when he was like this. He was sexy and had a serious effect on my libido. He knew what he did to me and he knew I would more than make up for it later.
Pulling myself from my thoughts, I looked at the clock on the wall and saw it was time to fetch Ayden from school.
Ayden chattered away about his day at school. Apparently he’d started learning Spanish and they’d been given cornets in his music class. Boy, would that be fun if he ever brought that home. We made our way home and went about our usual routine of homework, tea, bath, and bed. I read him a bedtime story and went downstairs to catch up on some television. I had back to back episodes of
Pretty Little Liars
to catch up on.
The sound of my phone ringing pulled my attention from the conversation onscreen. I paused it and picked up my phone before dropping it like it had burned me. What on Earth possessed him to think I wanted to talk to him? It had been months without any contact. Not a text, not a phone call. Nor an email or anything. Why would he call me out of the blue? What was there to say?
I left the phone to ring off and gulped back the wine I had on the coffee table beside me.
***
Nicky and Jade convinced me to go out with them again a couple of nights after the phone call. I hadn’t told them he’d called and I didn’t know whether I should or not. He’d only tried to call once and hadn’t left me a voicemail, nor sent any texts, so whatever he’d wanted to talk about couldn’t have been that important.
I was dressed and ready, waiting for the girls to arrive. We were having a couple of drinks at mine before going out. I’d asked Meghan to babysit and she was only too happy to look after her nephew. She was taking him to see Jack so they could have a play date.
“Let’s get this party started,” Nicky said as I opened the front door to find the two girls on my doorstep.
Nic held a bottle of wine in her hand and Jade had a bottle of cider. I had my cocktail shaker out ready to kick the night off.
“And hello to you too,” I replied as I kissed her on the cheek in greeting.
“Somebody is getting their groove on,” Nic said as she eyed the cocktail shaker and several bottles of alcohol on the kitchen island.
“Well, what’s a good night out without a few drinks first?”
I winked at her and moved to make myself the first drink of the evening.
After a couple of cocktails, I was ready to hit the club and more so, the dance floor. It was ’80s night at Lust and let’s just say that ’80s music is my jam. I love to dance to the cheesy songs.
As we entered Lust, “Since You’ve Been Gone” by Rainbow was playing. Jade rolled her eyes and I nudged her in the ribs with a playful smirk on my face. She preferred modern music and hadn’t really wanted to come to an ’80s night, but with friends like Nic and me, she knew she had no choice.
When “I’m in the Mood for Dancing” came over the speakers, I dragged the girls to the dance floor. Nic was in her element and Jade begrudgingly let loose and danced with us like we were three drunken maniacs. We kept dancing as the DJ played more classics. After a few more songs, the balls of my feet began to ache, so the three of us found a booth and I took my shoes off and rubbed at the aching tenderness. Jade went and bought a round of drinks. While she was gone, Nicky kept looking around as if she was expecting company.
“Hey, what’s up? You expecting someone else to join us?”
“Actually, I was looking to be sure that the DJ was James. And guess what? It is. You have got to talk to him tonight…exchange numbers. You know you want to.”
She was right, but she was oh so wrong too. I did want James’ number in a way. He was cute and funny, he had good taste in music, even if he called Bon Jovi ‘cock-rock.’ But the phone call had really done a number on my heart, even though I had refused to answer. I was still pining after the one thing I couldn’t have. But how else was I to get over him if I was refusing all possibility of dating anyone else?
“(I Just) Died in Your Arms” began to play and Nicky decided to drag me and my bare feet to the dance floor. She pulled on my arm until we were right in front of the DJ booth, though I refused to look in that direction.
We danced for another couple of songs before making our way back to our drinks.
“Ladies and gents, I don’t normally play much by this next band, but I must play a song for a woman here tonight so she knows I think of her often,” James said over the microphone.
“You Give Love a Bad Name”
blasted out of the speakers and I couldn’t help the goofy grin that plastered itself across my face.
Slippery When Wet
was probably my favourite album of theirs and he couldn’t have picked a better track.
“Hey, Anna, they’re looking for a mixologist here, did you know?” Jade shouted over the music.
“They are?”
That would be a perfect part-time job for me. I had done a course in mixology for fun and could make any cocktail you could name. I was still working at the office, but without Drake’s income, I needed to make more money somehow. I wondered if Meghan and Lynne would mind a spot of baby-sitting of an evening.
“Yeah, I saw a flyer pinned behind the bar. It would be the perfect way to see James on a regular basis.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way, but that could be a perk of the job. I would have to speak to the manager.
“Regular music will now resume…Bon Jovi free, ladies and gents.” James’ voice boomed over the microphone as the song came to an end and “Let’s Dance” began to play in its place.
“Come on, let’s dance,” Jade said.
Nicky and I needed no encouragement, so we followed her to the dance floor.
After a couple more songs, I was ready to rest my feet. I still hadn’t put my heels back on. I headed back to our booth and grabbed my drink. Jade came back to the booth and sat down, but Nicky was nowhere to be seen. I couldn’t see her head through the crowd, but presumed she was still dancing.
“I’ll go and get us another round. I might see about that job while I’m up there,” I said to Jade as I put my heels back on.
I walked to the bar and sat on an empty barstool to wait for service. The bar was busy and they looked understaffed.
“Sorry for the wait, what can I get you?” the barmaid asked as she came my way.
“A bottle of Bulmers and a bottle of rosé, please.”
“Sure thing, honey,” she replied as she turned to retrieve the drinks.
“You look understaffed, if you don’t mind me saying so,” I said as I handed her the money.
“Yeah, one of our girls called in sick. Perfect timing when we’re so packed. Nothing I can do though. We had to let another girl go last week, so we have no back-up to cover the shift.”
“I see you’re looking for a mixologist,” I said as I pointed to the sign.
“Yeah, we could do with someone part-time, just a few shifts a week.”
“I have experience in that area. I took a course in mixology…I just thought it might be a bit of fun, but I could actually use the extra money.”
“Really?” the girl asked as she wiped the bar down.
“Yeah. I know how to make pretty much any cocktail you can name.”
“Could you come in tomorrow during the day for a trial?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Great. I’m Meredith, by the way, but my friends all call me Red because of the hair.”
She gestured to her radiant red hair and I couldn’t help but smile. Red seemed like a nice girl. It would be good to work with someone who wasn’t too serious. Most of the girls I worked with looked like they didn’t know how to spell fun, let alone let their hair down and not take themselves too seriously.
“Well, Red, what time do you want me?”
“Whatever suits you, honey. I’m here all day for a stock take.”
“Can we say about 10:30? I have to get a sitter for my son.”
“Sure thing. What’s your name?”
“Oh, sorry. I’m Annalise,” I said as I stuck out my hand to shake hers.
“I’ll see you then. Come to the back entrance, that’s closest to the stockroom so I’ll hear the buzzer.”
“Cool. Thanks. I’ll look forward to it.”
I hopped off the barstool and made my way back to our booth. James had put a New Order track on and I smiled at his choice. I didn’t really like them as Joy Division for some reason, but “Blue Monday” was a great choice of song.
“I’ve got to come in tomorrow morning for a trial,” I said to Jade as I placed our drinks on the table.
“That’s great.”
“Yeah, it would be great to make some extra money.”
“What are you two talking about?” Nicky asked as she approached the table.
“I’ve got a trial here tomorrow for a part-time job.”
“Awesome. Now you can see if you and James have something or not.”
She had a wicked glint in her eye. Something told me she wouldn’t let it go until I’d been on at least one date with the guy. But if I dated him and it went wrong, that could jeopardise my job at Lust. If I got the job, that was.
“Whatever,” I replied as I poured us both a glass of wine and took a deep gulp of mine.
“He’s hot, you kissed him once, so you must be attracted to him. How could you not be? With that ink and those biceps, girl, if I wasn’t married, I’d take him for a spin.”
“I’m going to dance. Either of you care to join me?”
I couldn’t stand around talking about James. He was hot and we had kissed. Nicky had that right. But I didn’t know how to feel. So I took my shoes off and made my way to the dance floor, not caring if the girls were joining me.
James’ choice of song was possibly a coincidence, but I didn’t believe that for a moment. “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” was playing and I saw him look around the dance floor until he spotted me. He broke out into a wicked—dare I say, shit-eating—grin. He waved and put down his headphones. I saw him leave the booth and walk my way.