Authors: Keren Hughes
I impressed Red with my knowledge of cocktails and she hired me on the spot. She was flexible about my hours, knowing that I had a day job and a son to look after. I was grateful for the extra money it would provide but I still wasn’t overly keen on wearing the uniform. It turned out she had one in my size in the back office. It had belonged to the girl they’d let go but it would do until she could get me a brand new one.
Trying my uniform on when I got home proved just how right I’d been. It was shorter than something I’d normally wear and it clung to my curves like a second skin. It was a good job I didn’t have too many lumps and bumps for it to highlight. Getting my figure back after having Ayden seemed to be my saving grace. I looked in the mirror to see that the black and hot pink actually complimented my current purple hair colour. I wasn’t sure what shoes to wear, but something flat would be best if I was going to be on my feet all night. Heels would surely be the death of me.
I had my first shift the following night and as it was a week night, the bar closed earlier than at weekends. I also found out that James only played on a Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. As Monday was my first shift, he wouldn’t be there to make me nervous.
Nicky and Jade were pleased for me when I texted them and told them the news. They said they’d pop in after work for a cheeky cocktail to show their support.
Happiness radiated through me. I was picking myself up, slowly but steadily. Just over six months ago, my life had fallen apart. It felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. But I was proving that I was stronger than I thought. I’d got my family and friends around me, a new job to help financially, and most of all, I’d got my beautiful little boy to go home to every day.
Twenty-Six
Drake
I don’t know what I was thinking, calling Anna like that. I haven’t tried again since. I’ve wanted to, by God have I wanted to, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to talk to me considering she didn’t answer. I don’t blame her for not answering. I don’t even know what I was going to say exactly. All I know was I wanted to hear her voice. I still want to, but instead I resort to listening to the last voicemail she left me months ago. I’ve kept it on my phone because it’s the only way I get to hear her sweet voice anymore.
I’m sat looking through photos of my family, waiting for Jack to come and pick me up. He’s the only one that knows where I am. I don’t want to worry my mom—she has enough on her plate. I’ll think of some reason I haven’t been around until I’m ready to admit the truth. Jack doesn’t know everything. I only called him an hour ago and gave him the address to come and fetch me. When he heard where he was coming, he didn’t ask why I couldn’t drive myself. I could have got a cab, and perhaps I should have done, rather than burdening my brother with keeping this secret for me. However, I’m a selfish bastard and I just wanted to see my brother. We used to be so close until I drifted away. I tried to distance myself so I didn’t drag everybody down with me.
Hearing a car pull up, I look up and see Jack’s car outside the glass double doors. I’m suddenly nervous. I don’t know what to say. He obviously knows I’ve been in rehab, but he doesn’t know the reasons. Nobody does except me. I can’t tell him the truth about Morgana…I can’t burden him with yet another secret to keep. I’ll come clean with my family about her in time, but not right now.
“Hey!”
Jack’s voice comes from the open doorway and I just sit and look at him. My heart feels like it’s going to break free from my chest and run away. My hands are suddenly clammy and my throat feels constricted. I really should have got a cab.
“Drake?”
My name comes out more of a question. I look down at my hands, at my suitcase, anywhere except in his direction. I feel my AA chip in my pocket and the rosary beads that Zeke gave me. Taking a deep breath, I stand.
“There you are, Drake. I came by your room looking for you,” Zeke said as he emerged from another doorway.
“Yeah, I’m here, Doc.”
He walks towards my brother instead of me.
“You must be Jack,” Zeke says as he extends a hand, which my brother takes in his.
“I am. I’m sorry I don’t know your name. Seems I don’t know much lately.”
The tone of Jack’s voice made me feel even guiltier.
“I’m Zeke Michaels. This is my rehab centre. I’m a doctor here and I’ve been taking care of your brother.”
“Well, thank you for that, Zeke.”
Jack’s tone is earnest. He doesn’t know why I’d needed looking after, but he is clearly grateful to the man that had been there in my hour of need.
“No thanks necessary. He’s a good guy, this brother of yours.”
“Thanks, Doc,” I say as I walk slowly towards my younger brother.
“Drake—you have my number—use it. Anytime you need me, you have my personal mobile number on the card I gave you, just give me a call. You also have your sponsor.”
“I know, Doc. Thank you. For everything, I mean. You’ve been…” My throat becomes dry and I try hard to swallow past a lump of raw emotion.
“It’s okay, Drake. It’s what I’m here for. I’m just glad you’ve finally made contact with someone outside these walls. I’m happy to see you’re heading home, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope I never see you here again.”
I knew exactly what he’s implying. He doesn’t want me to fall off the wagon.
“Don’t worry, Doc, you won’t!” I exclaim as I pull him into a one arm hug.
He slaps me on the back and smiles at me. “Go home, Drake.”
“I will. Thanks for all you have done for me. I’m more grateful than you can imagine. You helped me find my way when I thought I was lost. I’ll never forget that.”
I mean every damn word. Zeke has been my rock. What he has done for me can never be repaid, but he’s told me frequently that seeing me dry was repayment enough.
“I’ll speak to you soon. I want you to let me know how you’re getting on.”
“You know it, Zeke. I’ll call you when I’m settled. I don’t exactly know where I’m staying yet.”
“Get yourself settled and into some kind of routine, then we’ll talk.”
“Thanks for taking care of my brother, Zeke,” Jack chimes in.
They shake hands, then Zeke pulls me in for a man hug before letting me go. In the space of six months, I have made a friend that I know I can always count on.
We say our goodbyes and go outside. I look back and see Zeke wave. I return the gesture before loading my suitcase into Jack’s car.
Awkward silence fills the air as we drive away from rehab and back towards real life. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. I know it’s all my fault. Jack must have tons of questions and I owe him answers, but I’m not sure where to start.
“Ask me anything and I’ll answer.”
“I don’t know where to begin, Drake. I mean…rehab. I’m struggling to wrap my mind around it.”
At least he’s being honest instead of brooding and being difficult about things.
“Me too, little bro…I…well…”
I’m never normally stuck for words but I’m not sure how much to tell him. Obviously Morgana is a non-starter. But I guess I should share the rest. So I take a few deep breaths and launch into a short version of my story.
***
Jack hugs me as he leaves me at a cheap hotel for the night. I don’t know where I’ll stay on a more permanent basis, but I’ll figure it out. Jack understands why I went to rehab and he’s promised not to tell anyone I’m back on home turf, or that he’s been in contact with me. It’s going to be hard for him to keep it from everyone, but I explained how Anna is the first person I need to tell. Even if she won’t listen to me, won’t take me back—because let’s face it, I don’t deserve her to—I just need to come clean with her first. I didn’t mean to make my brother complicit in this, to make him keep secrets from his wife, his mom, and sister. But he said he’s glad I reached out to him instead of coming back alone and dealing with everything on my own. I already felt like Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, before I left. I don’t need to feel like that now too and Jack has helped me see that I can open up and talk, something I’m not used to doing.
I’m sitting on the hotel bed, scrolling through photos of my Cariad. The most beautiful woman in the whole world, who was mine and mine alone. Now all she’ll be able to see is the man who left her. I didn’t give her a reason, I was a selfish prick. Fuck, I owe her the world and I would give anything to be back by her side. Can that ever happen? It’s doubtful. Highly doubtful. I’ve been gone for six months without so much as a text to her. Perhaps she’s even moved on by now. I wouldn’t blame her if she has. I realised something in rehab though. I
thought
I wanted the alcohol. I
thought
I needed a crutch, something to get me through the shit that came my way. But actually, as it turns out, I want Anna more.
***
It’s been a couple of weeks since I left rehab. I’ve managed to find a place to stay. I had to dip into my dwindling savings account to come up with the deposit for a two bedroom flat, but I did it and I bought a few bits of furniture, just the basics. I found a two bedroom place in the vain hope that Anna might let Ayden come to stay once we’ve started to sort things out. I probably don’t even deserve her to hear me out—she’ll probably just slam the door in my face—but I have to try.
People can call me less of a man, they can call me pussy-whipped…in fact they can say whatever they like. But I am trying to get my priorities in the right order. Getting dry was the first thing I needed to do and I’m hoping that if I can just get Anna to listen to me, she’ll understand that. My wife means the world to me and I love my son to the stars and beyond. Shit hasn’t been easy and I may not deserve a second chance as Anna’s husband or as Ayden’s father, but I have to at least try.
I’ve been in contact with Amelia since I left rehab. She even helped me find the flat where I’m living. Her advice has been invaluable, which I didn’t expect to say when I first met her. It goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover, because although she comes across as a ditzy blonde at first, she has a heart of gold once you scratch the surface. She’s told me I need to man up and call Anna or knock on the door. I haven’t tried to call her since that one night before I left rehab. I don’t know what I was thinking even trying at that point. I wasn’t ready to talk, I just wanted to hear her voice.
Since I moved into my flat, I’ve put up all the pictures I had of Anna and Ayden. I’ve even printed and framed some of the photos from my phone. I need to see their gorgeous faces and I need the photos as a reminder of what I’ve lost but would move heaven and Earth to get back. Why I didn’t just give her an explanation when I was going, I don’t know. I don’t remember much from that night. I do remember telling her we needed to talk. I had plucked up the courage to tell her. But then she said that
“We need to talk”
is code for
“I’m leaving you.”
She said all women know that. In this instance, it wasn’t true…I really did need to just talk to her about stuff. But when she said that, it blew my courage right out the window and like the coward I was, I left and didn’t look back. I wanted so much to get Jack to turn the car around, but I knew I had to keep going. I had to get dry and then I could sort all the other stuff later.
I’m meeting Amelia soon for a coffee and a chat. She knows I’m still sticking to my promise and not drinking. I think she just wants to see if she can help in any other way. She told me it’s good to share your problems with a friend. My family have never been one to talk about emotions, but one thing that therapy with Zeke taught me was that I had to dig deep within myself and find those emotions, then I had to break down those walls around my heart and actually let people in. That meant talking about feelings, which I always thought was a bit girly—not to be sexist or anything—I just thought that women had an easier time of those kind of talks. Anna certainly didn’t have an emotional block like I did. She wore her heart on her sleeve and always talked about anything that was bothering her. But now, maybe it’s time to start doing the one thing I’ve fought all my life not to do.
***
Amelia is already at the coffee shop when I arrive a few minutes late and slightly out of breath.
“Can I get a flat white with a sweetener and a Latte Macchiato with hazelnut syrup please?” I ask the barista.
I wave at Amelia and then pay the barista before moving down the line to collect our drinks. Once I have the cups in hand, I walk over to the corner table Amelia is sat at, careful not to spill any coffee on the way.
“Morning, Drake.” Amelia greeted me with her typical toothy grin. It was infectious and I couldn’t help but return it.
“Good morning, Amelia. You look good. How are Andi and Cerys?”
“They’re great. Andi has taken Cerys on a play date to the park while I’m here. I’m meeting up with them later.”
“Kids are great, aren’t they?”
Boy, did I miss Ayden. Amelia and her wife Andi had adopted Cerys and she was such a beautiful little thing. She was two years old and had two wonderful moms. They were so lucky to have that little girl in their lives and it made me realise how much my heart ached for my boy. Ayden had been abandoned by his biological dad and now I had done the same thing.
“She’s amazing. I can’t believe we managed to adopt her so quickly…it was a whirlwind. We wouldn’t be without her now. She makes our lives complete.”
The smile on Amelia’s face says it all.
“Make the most of every day. Make as many memories as you can. They grow up so fast.”
My voice was wistful and Amelia’s face fell as she picked up on that.
“I’m sorry, Drake. We should talk about you, not me.”
I didn’t know where to start really. She knew my situation, she knew I wanted to do something about it. But today was about trying to decide how exactly I should go about it all.