Authors: Keren Hughes
“What happened?”
His voice wasn’t accusatory, he was far too nice for that.
“I saw Drake,” I blurted out before I could think twice about lying.
“Wow…umm…in Kaffeinate?”
“Yeah, he was sat with Amelia, the woman I nearly spilled my coffee over.”
“You think they’re together?”
He stepped in front of me and made eye contact with me. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t have an answer to his question.
“Maybe, I don’t really know. She talked about having a daughter.”
Why did I bring that up?
“You think she’s Drake’s?”
“I don’t know. He already has a daughter, but her mother’s name is Rachel, not Amelia. So unless he has another one…” I trailed off.
James put a hand on my arm and I flinched at the touch.
“Amelia had her hand on his arm and was laughing at something he was saying. It seems he didn’t have as hard a time getting over me as I have him. You should know, James, I’m not over him. I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be, but if anything, today has reinforced the fact in my mind that I’m nowhere near over him.”
“That’s okay,” he said softly as he put his hand back by his side.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying sorry. You love your husband. You took vows to be together forever, not just for a little while. It’s too soon to be thinking about getting over him, it’s only been six months.”
How did he know that? I hadn’t told him that. I hadn’t said much about my situation at all. We’d been texting and he knew I had a son and that my husband had left, but I was certain I hadn’t told him how long ago that was.
“Yeah,” I said so quietly I wasn’t sure I hadn’t just thought it.
“You’d better get back to work,” James said with a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Yeah,” I repeated as I turned on my heel and left his booth.
I was run off my feet for the rest of my shift and was exhausted by the time it came to closing. Thankfully, I wasn’t in charge of locking the place up on a Monday, so I grabbed my stuff and drove home. I collected Ayden on the way and he slept all the way back to the house.
Twenty-Eight
Drake
I have met up with Amelia several times since leaving rehab and setting my flat up. She and Andi even helped me out with some old furniture of theirs that they had been keeping in the garage, just until I could buy new stuff. Rehab had been expensive and had drained my savings seriously low. I’d received some money after my dad died, so that had helped. I hadn’t wanted to spend his money that way, but a chat with Zeke had made me realise my dad would be proud I was using that money to make a difference in my life.
Kaffeinate was a regular spot for Amelia and I to meet as Andi could take Cerys to the park across from the canal and Amelia could meet up with them afterwards.
I have been out of rehab for a few weeks now and it’s been weighing on me that Jack has been keeping my secret from everyone. I’ve returned to work, only telling people that I’d been on a temporary transfer to another office. They bought my story and only my boss knows the truth.
It’s about time I take the bull by the horns and tell the people that care about me exactly what happened. Well, the Morgana-free version, anyway. The only person I can discuss that with is Anna and I’m not sure she’s going to be in any mood to listen to me, but I have to try. My family will have to wait because it’s my wife to whom I owe the biggest explanation and I intend to see her first. Amelia has helped me a lot. She’s listened as I’ve talked, she’s offered advice. I haven’t told her about Morgana, but that’s because the only people who know are Anna and Zeke. I had to tell Zeke as part of my therapy, else I wouldn’t have gotten to the root cause of my problems. But I didn’t have to tell Amelia unless I wanted to. And I don’t. Not yet, at least.
I’m dressed and ready to go, but I’m sat here procrastinating. I’m sure there’ll be some shouting, it’s possible she’ll throw something at my head and I wouldn’t blame her. Even though I left her in such a way, I am oddly at peace. I had to learn to accept my fate. I had to play the hand I was given, and though I did wrong by not offering Anna any reason for my going, I’m hoping she’ll come to understand my reasons.
I call a taxi and make the short drive to my old house. The driver parks at the kerb and I looked up at the building that held so many memories for me. I pay the fare and have to take several deep breaths before I even reach for the door handle and then I close the door quietly so that I don’t spook Anna. I nearly called before I came, but I decided not to because she can put the phone down at any time or refuse to answer in the first place. This way, she can see the sincerity in my eyes as I pour my heart out. What she does then is completely up to her. I don’t expect her to jump into my arms and tell me everything will be okay. But I know that one day, things will be okay. Whether Anna forgives me, whether we get back together or not, things will be okay. One way or another.
Six months ago, I would have used my key to open the door in front of me, but I have no right to do that now, so I raise my hand to knock. To be honest, I’m petrified. I hear sounds through the door and as I listen more closely, the sounds are Anna and Ayden singing along to
The Princess and The Frog
, one of their favourite Disney films. I listen a moment longer before re-arranging the box in my arms that contains Ayden’s birthday present—it’s his birthday a week from now—then knock.
Footsteps can be heard on the other side of the door and suddenly my heart is lodged in my throat, while my palms began to get clammy. I hope like hell she doesn’t just slam the door in my face, but I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I’ve been an asshole and it would be much deserved.
The beautiful face that has haunted my dreams suddenly appears in front of me. The smile she wore as she opened the door instantly drops, a look of sadness replacing it like a knife to my heart.
Anna closes the door but not fully. I hear her say something to Ayden and then the sound of his footsteps going upstairs. She opens the door and stands to one side, then gestures for me to enter. It feels weird, but at least she isn’t slamming the door in my face. I am in for a surprise as I take in the sight of her. She dyed her hair purple with pink tips. She’d always been a wild child, which was one of the things I loved most about her. She’s her own person and didn’t care what others thought of her. Just looking at her makes my cock twitch, not the right time or place for that to happen, but there was no stopping it.
Walking into the lounge, I notice Ayden’s toys on the floor and step carefully round them.
“Sorry. We weren’t expecting company,” she says in the faintest voice. “Take a seat.”
I sit down on the armchair, wanting to give her a bit of distance from me. She tidies Ayden’s toys quickly and puts them in his toy box before taking a seat on the couch. She looks like she wanted to say something, but remained quiet.
“So…” My throat is suddenly deprived of oxygen. I took a few breaths before continuing. “I owe you an explanation.”
“Would you like a coffee?” she asks as she all but jumps from the couch and moved towards the door.
“Sure, that would be nice. Thanks.”
I sit quietly in the lounge on my own. I can hear Ayden playing upstairs and it brings a smile to my face. I could just picture him playing and laughing the way he used to. A bittersweet thought if ever there was one. I’m not his dad now and I don’t deserve to see his smile or hear his laughter.
The door opening makes me jump. Anna comes in carrying two mugs of coffee. She looks sad and I would give anything to erase the look in her eyes.
Handing me the mug, Anna sits down on the couch, but only perched on the edge, like she might jump up at any moment.
“Thanks. Look, I know I don’t deserve the chance, but might you be open to listening to me?”
She nods her head so minutely I might have missed it had I not been focusing on her every move.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry that I did, because that was never my intention.” I take a gulp of my coffee, scalding my tongue slightly.
“You did.”
Those two words break my heart, even though I don’t think it could break any more than it already has.
I tell her about rehab and the fact that in the beginning I wasn’t allowed access to my phone, then as time wore on I became more anxious about calling. I explain how it wasn’t a conversation that I wanted to have over the phone, because that felt too impersonal. I speak about Amelia and how she was my sponsor, about Zeke and our therapy sessions. I let my heart bleed out in my words. I don’t tell her why I’d needed rehab in the first place though, that needs a bit more strength than I currently possess.
She remains quiet as I speak. I wish I knew what was going through her mind.
Standing up and stretching my legs just for something to do, I walk to the fireplace and see the photos of us there. It is then that I notice her engagement and wedding rings beside one of the photos. My heart feels like it is being squeezed in a vise. I don’t know why I thought she might still wear them, but it hurts like hell to see that she has taken them off.
If this is the last time I ever see my Anna, my precious Cariad, then I need to tell her everything. I’m just working up the courage when she speaks.
“I’m sorry, Drake, but I have to get ready for my shift.”
Her voice is quiet, probably so Ayden doesn’t overhear her say my name.
“Your shift?” I ask, confused as to where she would work on a Friday night.
“Yeah, I work at a place in town. I’m dropping Ayden with Meghan in an hour.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know why I presumed she wouldn’t have a life besides staying home on a Friday night like she used to with me and Ayden.
“Could we maybe talk again another time? There’s more to it than I got chance to tell you.”
My voice is hopeful but the rest of me wasn’t.
“Yeah. I can ask your mom to have Ayden for a little bit tomorrow so we can talk alone. Meghan is having him tomorrow night again, while I work my shift.”
I don’t know what to say. I hadn’t expected her to agree so readily.
“What time suits you?”
“Do you still have the same number? I can text you when the coast is clear,” she answers.
“Yeah, I do. That would be great. Do you still have the same number?”
“Yes.” Her answer is simple but it is all I need to know.
“Okay, I’ll go and let you get ready.”
I don’t really want to leave, but I have no choice.
Anna walks me to the door. I feel her presence close behind me. So near and yet so far. Her perfume lingers in the air, it smells good, familiar.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say as I turn to look at her.
“Bye, Drake,” she says as I open the door and set foot outside.
I love you, Annalise Elizabeth Anderson
, I think as I walk away from the love of my life for a second time. I can only hope this time it isn’t forever.
Twenty-Nine
Annalise
Drake’s face was not what I expected to see when I opened the door. I looked at him and saw a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there so much after his dad died. The small smile that was present was heart-warming and heart-breaking at the same time. What on Earth possessed him to come? I couldn’t tell, but I couldn’t shut the door in his face. That strong, handsome face, the one that haunted my dreams. The lips that used to kiss me, amongst other things. My heart rate spiked and I couldn’t calm down. I’d let him in the house after telling Ayden to go to his room for a while. Then I’d made a cup of coffee just for something to do.
I walked back into the lounge and saw Drake sat there, looking around the room, fidgeting and looking uncomfortable. I looked at his profile, the same strong features that I had fallen in love with, but his hair was longer and slightly curly. It suited him. For a moment, I wondered what it would be like to run my fingers through it. I moved from the doorway to sit with him. It took all I had not to reach out and touch him.
His story was heart-breaking. I didn’t want to turn him away but I really had to get ready for work. When I walked him to the door, I wanted to hug him goodbye. The thing that stopped me was my pride. I watched him walk back to his car and I had to shut the door so he didn’t see my tears when he looked back at me. I took a steadying breath then went to get ready for work. I dropped Ayden with Meghan, but didn’t mention Drake. If she’d seen him or heard from him, she’d tell me, and as she didn’t mention him herself, I believed he hadn’t told her he was back. I didn’t want to upset her, so I just didn’t bring it up.
My shift at Lust dragged by. We had been really busy but that didn’t stop it from feeling like it was going on forever. All I wanted was to go home, go to bed, wake up, and see Drake again. I hadn’t thought that was how I’d feel if he resurfaced. I thought I’d feel angry, but the anger had dissipated when he told me about his sponsor, Amelia. All wasn’t as it had seemed that day. It seemed she was married to a woman called Andi and they had a daughter. Why he’d told me that bit I wasn’t quite sure, but I was glad he had. I officially had nothing to worry about where she was concerned. Why it mattered now I didn’t know, but even though we weren’t together, that didn’t mean I wanted to see him with someone else. My rushing out of Kaffeinate had proved that, as had my feelings over the days between then and him turning up.
I hadn’t spoken to Drake much…he’d talked and I’d listened…so I was hoping to get a chance to talk to him when I saw him the following day because there were some things I needed to get off my chest. At least he hadn’t mentioned seeing me in the café, but then he’d seemed shocked by my change of hair colour when I’d opened the door, so it was probably safe to assume he hadn’t seen me.
When I picked Ayden up from Meghan’s after my shift, she quietly told me he’d mentioned Drake, which was unusual as he hadn’t spoken about him for a while. I wondered whether he’d looked out of the window and seen him, or overheard us talking. I didn’t want to bring it up with him until I had spoken to Drake the next day. Maybe I’d be able to tell him his dad was going to be part of his life. Even if he didn’t want me anymore, I was hoping he’d want to know Ayden.
***
As I heard the car on the driveway, I felt a nervous ball of energy knot in my stomach. I got up to open the door and waved goodbye to Jack as he drove away. It must be killing Drake to have to rely on other people for help when he’s normally the person that people turn to. But he’d been disqualified from driving so he had no choice other than to get a taxi or ask others for lifts everywhere. It would make seeing Ayden harder, as he couldn’t just come and pick him up—if he wanted to see him at all—but then I could drop Ayden off with him. I didn’t know where Drake was staying but he couldn’t have been staying with family. He’d told me the previous day that only Jack knew he was home and that he knew the truth of the matter, but was sworn to secrecy. Drake had wanted to tell me first and then he’d go to his family. I couldn’t see them turning him away if he needed somewhere to stay—they may not be the most outwardly tactile family, but they’d never turn their back on one of their own—but if he hadn’t told the family the truth, then he couldn’t be staying with them. What it mattered, I didn’t really know. I guess it’s just that I didn’t want to see him homeless.
“Hi, can I get you a coffee?” I asked as I stood aside and let him in.
“That would be great, thanks.”
He seemed outwardly cheerful enough, but I could tell he was feeling a little awkward. That’s what happens when you spend so long with someone…you get to know their tells.
“Take a seat in the lounge, I’ll bring the coffee through,” I said as I made my way to the kitchen.
I put the coffee machine on and waited for it to warm up. I was glad Drake had turned up as he promised—part of me believed that he might go back on his word—but I didn’t know how to act around him. I felt as awkward as he obviously did.
Taking the drinks back through to the lounge, I saw him pacing in front of the fireplace. He seemed nervous and I couldn’t blame him. It couldn’t be easy coming back here and having to explain it all to me…but until he explained, until he got it all off his chest, he wasn’t going to be able to just let go. He wasn’t going to be able to get on with his life, to move forward, until he let go of all the demons in his past.
“You look good,” Drake said as I handed him a mug.
“Thanks.”
“Sorry, it’s just—you look different and it suits you.”
He looked contrite as he spoke softly. He knew he had no right to be saying things like that, but I couldn’t help but feel a pang in my heart at the small compliment.
“Thanks. You know how I am…never one to stay with one look for too long. I just decided it was time for a change.”
Moments passed where nothing was said. It was an almost uncomfortable silence and it felt weird. I’d always been comfortable around Drake. It was one of the things that first attracted me to him. When we’d been just friends, when I was dating Oliver, Drake and I had always had an easy friendship. Words didn’t need to be spoken, we knew how the other was feeling with just a look. But sitting there without speaking was driving me crazy. I fidgeted uncomfortably in my seat, wondering what was going on inside his head.
“Rachel contacted me,” Drake said, breaking the silence.
I was surprised. Rachel had said she never wanted Drake to be a part of Morgana’s life. What she was doing contacting him now was anybody’s guess.
“Wow. What did she say?”
“Not much, she just asked if we could talk. I didn’t reply.”
“What? Why not?”
Drake had never been one to shirk his responsibilities. He only stayed out of their lives because Rachel had wanted it that way.
“I got arrested.”
“I’m confused. You never responded because you got arrested?”
I wasn’t sure how the two things were connected. He’d been arrested for drink-driving, I knew that much. But what had Rachel got to do with it?
“Her contact was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. It was the night I was arrested that she reached out. She sent me a message via Facebook, asking if we could talk about Morgana. Instead of answering, I went to a bar, consumed one too many glasses of whiskey, and subsequently got arrested…after which, I signed myself into rehab. Six months later, here I am, and I still have no clue what she wanted.”
“Oh.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wondered what Rachel had wanted and why she had contacted him when she was the one who cut him out of their lives.
“I’m not playing ‘pass the blame’…I’m merely saying that it was that night everything turned to shit. I realise I should have told you before now. I should have come to you the second I got that message. I know you would have known what to do. If I’d done that, then I wouldn’t have been in that bar, I wouldn’t have been arrested, and I wouldn’t have had to spend six agonising months away from my family. I have no words to express how sorry I am, Cariad.”
I gasped. I hadn’t heard that nickname in six months. He’d always called me Cariad because my family has roots in Wales and that is a Welsh term of endearment.
“Sorry, Anna. It just slipped out.”
I looked at him and tried to swallow past the lump in my throat to speak. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes and it took all the strength I had to stop them from falling.
“It’s okay.” My voice betrayed me by cracking a little. I took a deep breath and steadied my emotions.
“Have you decided what to do?”
“Do?”
Now it was Drake’s turn to look confused.
“About Rachel. Have you decided whether to contact her or not?”
“Oh. No, I haven’t thought any more of it, to be honest. I’ve been back on my Facebook account and I’ve not received any other messages from her since that night.”
“That doesn’t mean she doesn’t still want to talk. It could just mean she’s waiting for you to make the next move.”
“Maybe. I’ll think about it. I’ve had other, more important, things on my mind lately.”
“More important? Morgana is your daughter, Drake. She’s important too.”
“But she’s never felt like mine. I’ve never even seen a picture of her. I didn’t mean she isn’t important, it’s just that I’ve had to get my priorities straight and at the top of that list is you and Ayden.”
“Okay, but promise me you’ll consider getting in touch with Rachel.”
“I’ll think about it, Anna, but not right now.”
I looked up at him and saw something indescribable in his eyes. Hurt shone brightly in them, but something more too.
Before I had a chance to say anything else, Drake pulled me up from my seat and placed his lips against mine. It started as a soft kiss, waiting for my permission to be more. So many emotions flashed through my mind in that split second, but I opened my mouth to him, letting him explore my mouth with his tongue. Our tongues danced together, his lips were soft and full and his touch was desperate. I felt his hands on my hips, then one slipped to the small of my back while the other made its way into the back of my hair. I moaned audibly as he gently sucked on my lip piercing before pulling gently on my hair to expose my neck to him.
Winding my arms around his neck, I played with the soft hair there, whilst he traced feather light kisses from my ear to my collarbone. A moan escaped my lips that was both desperate and hungry. I hadn’t been touched in the same way for six long months. The kiss I’d shared with James didn’t set me on fire the way Drake did. Kissing his way back to my lips, Drake breathed heavily and I could feel his heartbeat pounding against my chest as he held me to him.
Our lips locked once more and this time, Drake’s hands made their way to my blouse. He undid the top button, then hesitated momentarily before undoing the rest. He made light work of taking it off and discarding it. Lowering me to the chair behind me, Drake kissed his way from my lips to the top of my bra. The last six months all but evaporated with the heat of his touch on my body. I didn’t think it would be so easy to forget, but in that moment, it was. His hands roamed my abdomen and I had to squeeze my legs shut to try and stop the feeling that was building between them. He gently pulled down one cup of my bra and immediately captured my nipple between his teeth. The sensation was almost too much to bear after so long without his touch. My breathing hitched as he bit me gently before licking and kissing his way to my other breast. He unclasped my bra from behind and the material fell away, leaving me exposed to the air and the deft movements of Drake’s tongue and hands. He trailed kisses from the valley between my breasts, down to my abdomen, and stopped just short of the waistline of my jeans. Looking up at me, unasked questions shone in his eyes. Was it okay to take this further? Did I want this as much as he did? There was no doubt about it—I wanted this. No, I
needed
it. I undid the button of my jeans in answer.
Drake didn’t hesitate to pull my jeans down my legs and discard them. I lay there in nothing but my panties, but I didn’t feel cold or exposed, instead I felt alive. Living without him day to day was just existing, but being with him again brought me back to life. He kissed his way up my thigh, and just when I thought he would go further, he didn’t. He chose to kiss his way up my other thigh instead. It was only then that he placed a chaste kiss against my core through the light material in his way. I squirmed in the chair, wanting him to take his time, but wanting him to hurry up and make me come. I didn’t think I could take much more of the feeling that was already building to a crescendo without more than his light touch.
Without any warning, Drake tore my panties. Hearing them rip heightened my excitement and my breathing became shallower. The light touch of his tongue on my skin elicited moans from my throat at the same time Drake growled possessively. I was his and he was staking a claim on what he wanted. Before I could say or do anything, Drake’s hands were on my thighs, spreading them further apart, making access easier. I scooted to the edge of the seat to help him get closer to me more quickly. It felt like a lifetime—when in reality it was probably only seconds—before he touched me again. This time, he placed kisses closer to my core before sucking my clit into his mouth. My back arched and I gripped his hair in both hands.