More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (12 page)

CUSTOMER:
Do bookshops have talking books for hire?

BOOKSELLER:
Well, we have audiobooks that you can buy.

CUSTOMER:
No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t want a CD. I want a person. Someone who has learnt a book off by heart and will come to my house to read it out to me.

BOOKSELLER:
… You mean like in
Fahrenheit 451
?

CUSTOMER:
I don’t know what that is. I just want someone to come to my house and recite a book to me.

BOOKSELLER:
We don’t offer services like that, I’m afraid.

CUSTOMER:
Well, if you ever do, please let me know.

CUSTOMER:
I had such a crush on Captain Hook when I was younger. Do you think this means I have unresolved issues?

(Phone rings)

BOOKSELLER:
Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

CUSTOMER:
Hi, am I speaking to a bookseller?

BOOKSELLER:
You are indeed.

CUSTOMER:
Great. Listen, I need you to help me with this crossword …

LITTLE BOY:
Do you have any superpowers?

BOOKSELLER:
Sadly, I don’t think I do. Do you?

LITTLE BOY
(whispers)
: Yes. I can fly. But only when no one else is watching.

CUSTOMER:
Am I your ten thousandth customer?

BOOKSELLER:
… I don’t think so.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. Damn. I thought that, if I was, you might give me a prize. Hmmm. I’ll come back later.

CUSTOMER:
Where’s your Amazon section?

BOOKSELLER:
… Are you looking for a book about the Amazon river?

CUSTOMER
(exasperated)
: No. Not the river. Amazon. You know? Online. Where’s your section of books from there?

CUSTOMER:
Where are your books on war?

BOOKSELLER:
They’ll be in with history. Our history section is split up into British History, European History, American History and World History. Which war are you looking for, specifically?

CUSTOMER:
I want a history of the ongoing war between werewolves and vampires.

BOOKSELLER:
…

CUSTOMER:
Where would I find that?

CUSTOMER:
I want to get my girlfriend a book for her birthday but I don’t know if she already has it.

BOOKSELLER:
OK.

CUSTOMER:
Could you find out for me?

BOOKSELLER:
… How?

CUSTOMER:
Well, maybe you could call her and say that you’re doing a survey or something?

BOOKSELLER:
…

CUSTOMER:
You know, just lie and gain her trust and find out everything you can.

(It’s the end of the day, the lights are off in the bookshop, the closed sign is up. The bookseller is by the door, about to lock up, when a lady hurries into the shop)

BOOKSELLER:
Hi, I’m sorry but we’re closed.

LADY:
What? I’m on the phone
(points to her phone)
.

BOOKSELLER:
OK, but I’m afraid we’re closed.

LADY
(into the phone)
: One sec, Mary.
(She turns to the bookseller, annoyed)
That’s OK; I don’t want any books, I just want to talk on the phone; it’s too loud outside.

BOOKSELLER:
I’m sorry but I really have to leave now; you’ll have to speak on the phone somewhere else.

LADY
(curtly)
: You can just wait a minute while I finish my call.
(Into the phone)
Sorry about that, Mary … Yes, just some stupid girl who doesn’t want me to talk to you … Anyway, yes, as I was saying, I think we should probably get the blue sofa; it’ll match the wallpaper nicely …