More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (13 page)

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a Christmas book about that, like, really famous baby?

CUSTOMER:
Do you have any books signed by authors who are likely to die very soon? I’d like to make an investment.

CUSTOMER
(to her daughter)
: What kind of book would you like, sweetie?

LITTLE GIRL:
I’d like a book with cats and cows and dogs and geese and horses and antelopes AND centipedes, because they’re ALL my friends.

CUSTOMER:
This book looks good. How can I watch it?

BOOKSELLER:
Excuse me?

CUSTOMER:
Where’s the film? Is it tucked inside the cover or something?

CUSTOMER
(holding up a £25 book)
: Can I make you an offer of £1 for this book?

BOOKSELLER:
… You can, but I won’t accept it.

CUSTOMER:
This book’s in Russian; you’re not going to sell it.

BOOKSELLER:
We have some Russian customers and collectors, and that book is rare.

CUSTOMER:
But I don’t speak Russian – so I’m not going to pay £25 for it!

BOOKSELLER:
… If you don’t speak Russian, then why do you want it?

CUSTOMER:
I don’t know … It sort of looks nice.

CUSTOMER:
My son’s getting married next week. Do you have a book to help me make sure it doesn’t rain on his big day? Some incantations or something?

(Drunken man bursts through the door, and stumbles inside)

DRUNKEN MAN
(looking around in amazement)
: Dude. Your bookshop is, like, totally moving.

BOOKSELLER:
…

DRUNKEN MAN
: … Like, sideways. And in circles!

LITTLE GIRL:
Hello. I’ve asked for lots of books for Christmas.

BOOKSELLER:
That’s great! Books are wonderful presents.

LITTLE GIRL:
Yes. I’ve written them all down in a list for Santa.

MOTHER:
That’s right. Remember, when you’ve finished writing that list, give it to me and I’ll make sure Santa gets it.

LITTLE GIRL:
It’s OK; I’ve already posted it.

MOTHER:
… What?

LITTLE GIRL:
I posted it on the way home from school.

MOTHER:
… In the postbox?

LITTLE GIRL:
Yeah! I didn’t know all of his address, but I’m sure he’ll find it. I’m excited!

MOTHER:
…

LITTLE BOY:
Look! Peter Rabbit!

FATHER:
Rabbits belong in pies, son. Not in books.

CUSTOMER
(whilst paying for a book
): I have always wanted to marry a bookseller.

(Pause)

CUSTOMER:
Do you fantasise about marrying one of your customers?

BOOKSELLER:
…